I confess I have not read all of the many questions & answers in this forum about dementia, so I may have missed something. My dad (age 94) has vascular dementia with short-term memory problems. He is in a MC facility where most of the other residents are far along in their conditions & many are non-verbal. He has been there since March, but before that was in the AL part & did well. He absolutely hates where he is & I get frequent calls from him about "I'm going crazy", "I don't know what to do", "I hate to bother you but you're all I've got", "I'm here all by myself", "It's very lonely" etc etc. I know he wants to live with me & my husband but after reading answers from the folks on this site, I've decided that I can't do that. He was kind of hard to live with before all this started - no hobbies, can't see or hear well to participate in any activities, & has to have staff help him with his phone, among other things. He calls me & whines & whines with the same desperate statements over & over. And with Covid, we can't visit in person, so I see him twice a week thru the window. He is on an antidepressant & an anti-anxiety med.
I exercise & do a little volunteer work & am on mood meds myself. I was handling this pretty well, but lately the guilt is tremendous. I don't sleep well & I have this on my mind constantly. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I'm about ready to tell him off! (NOT!) My brother lives 3 hours away & is as involved as one can be given the distance & Covid.
I would like to know if anyone knows if there are facilities that have levels of MC - with residents that can still converse & interact with others. The places I know of around here seem to put all MC residents together & treat them all the same. I plan on researching other local facilities. Would a care home be better for him?

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You can check into board and care homes. That was my choice for many reasons. One being they are more affordable and more home like. Not to mention a better staff ratio.

Be sure and check though, because I have seen those homes where everyone is non-verbal as well.

It does take some time to find the right fit and it is difficult because everyone in these places has progressive illnesses, so what is today will not be tomorrow.
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The reason for someone to be in Memory Care is usually because of wandering and "elopement" (trying to escape). If your dad doesn't have those issues, would he be better off in a regular assisted living facility?
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If he was doing well in AL why or what prompted the move to MC?
Did he need more care or supervision than AL could give him? If so is it possible to hire additional caregiver to help him with the things that he needs? Or to keep him in MC is it possible to have a paid caregiver go visit him twice a week and interact with him, possibly take him for a walk on the grounds.
If there are smaller independent care homes in your area that might be a solution IF they have a good ratio and will stimulate him. But it goes back to why the transition from AL to MC.
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As far as I am aware..with COVID the restrictions on visiting and leaving rooms are adhered too. This pandemic has caused in my opinion horrible conditions for our Elders in "most" care homes. My mom is active and social with dementia. short term memory loss. She was living by herself in a senior facility.(active living community) Since COVID I have been living with here because she is getting worse. Care givers do not work because she accuses them of stealing and most the time will not remember them..and shut the door in their face. Let me tell you..This is NOT an easy situation. my case the BEST solution for her. My mom talks to herself constantly, she repeats questions about every 15 minutes. She will not eat unless i cook for her. The fight with taking her medication has been tricky to say the least..I just told her the doctor want "us" to write down the times she is taking her medications because he is evaluating her.(lie) Its working so far..dont know how long it will last but..she even wrote down her evening meds for the first time yesterday! :-)My mom is complainer..aches , pains on and on and on..her attention span is 2. She gets something in her head that upsets her..and i have figured out that..her brain just needs to process it until the next time it comes up...There is so much more dysfunction and paranoia that happens I could write a book at this point..but you get the gist. is this effecting me? Changing my life in the middle of a world crisis to take care of a woman that is no longer my mother. Well.... My patience are challenged every day..I have learned to walk every morning wether i like it or not..fresh air and prayer works. I do not like living in my moms sick illusions. I check in with my own sanity every day. This process has made me stronger in this season of life. I am more aware now..that i have a choice. My mom does not. I have chosen to help this woman because she is human. The last of her life I care about. I care she gets to walk outside and smell fresh air, hear the birds and pick flowers. Change the hummingbird feeder and worry about her little plants in the window. All the challenges, illusions and sickness are making me a stronger person. I thank God for that.
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nature73 Aug 2020
I re-read your response today & it reassured me. After submitting my question in July, I have become more convinced dad needs to be in MC. The visits I've had since then have shown me he needs supervision, especially at night. Problem is that he KNOWS something has gone wrong in his head & it scares & frustrates him. Plus being around other residents who are worse off doesn't help. I may look for another facility, but something tells me it would be the same situation.
I don't know of any MC facility that is much different but maybe you can talk to the activities department and ask them if they can help your Dad to engage more socially. The activities staff at my Moms facility are really good with that.
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My Mom also has dementia, and is considered high functioning. When she first went in to Memory Care she didn’t like and complained about the other residents who are much lower functioning. After several weeks of complaining to various staff members the director said she could go over to the AL side for activities and meals. Wow what a difference,she was much happier. Of course now with COVID 19 she is back on the memory care side, but hopefully she will be be able to go back to AL soon. May be you could talk to the director and try to arrange something like that. After COVID-19 of course.
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