Are there ANY easy-going elderly parents out there?

Yes my Mama is like your cousins mom.

my mom was a great mom i miss her very much easy going loving mom

I'd be interested to know if your cousin felt the same way about caring for her mom. It's very hard to parent your parent.

That being said, I know two women and one man who are cooperating with their children and seem to be easy to help. The other elderly people in our family could be accurately described as "a handful" and a "cross to bear". Helping them is like pushing a rope.

My guess would be 85% are hard to help.

Yes I have come across easy going older adults. Aging does not equate with difficult personalities; difficult personalities develop from birth. I would say that pain as well as cognitive changes may affect their personalities and outlook on life as well as their interaction with others. I would say that if y o u are struggling in your interactions with your parents, that you take a break and refresh yourself. Comparing your situation to your cousin's serves mou purpose in my opinion other than breeding resentment. Try to focus on the positive rather than focusing on the negative.

I hear and feel your pain. My parents live nearby, in their early 90's, have caregiver 6 days a week (thank god) but for my dad it's never enough. I am there to visit 3-4x a week, my son who is home from college goes there every afternoon to walk their dog (they have a fenced in yard for her too) and my husband sees
them every weekend and my other 2 sons visit weekly as well. It's never enough! Has lists of tasks and chores he wants us to accomplish, and god forbid anyone is late or not abiding to the timeline he commands. He becomes nasty and insulting. It's awful. Honestly I don't like him (love him as my dad). Ungrateful as well, very few thank yous no acknowledgement of anyone's outside obligations outside of him.

Yes, my mother is easy going and she worries about asking for too much and over burdening me.

My mom is 93 with few medical problems and I am 67. After a messy divorce, I've lived with her in her home for more than 10 years and I don't ask or expect much help from my sibs, though i do keep my sister informed. Not so much my step brother. We all live in the same area.

My mom would like to see me get a break though I don't know what i would do with it, and she also would like to be able to pay me. I feel I am living pretty comfortably on my ssa and her paying the Bill's. I do worry that I have not contributed to my own retirement fund but who knew how long this would last.

She is so worried about me tiring of her that she often asks other people to do things for her that are really my responsibility. That, or she sometimes goes without in order to "not bother me" which can be problematic in itself.

My biggest worry for her is that she doesn't move around enough and becomes so weak at times that she's afraid of falling and WON'T get up. I often order physical therapy but it appears that I need to resolve myself to the fact that this is the way she wants it. If she becomes completely bedridden I don't think I can care for her any more but I will deal with that when the time comes.

She can't hear at all without her hearing aide and her memory is steadily going. Recently she's started getting angry about not remembering things that causes a conflict for us but I don't let her become abusive as I will walk away.

I love her very much and I don't know what I'll do when she is gone. It's true I don't have a life of my own but she gives me a purpose. I have grown children as well, so I have a support system of my own.

We do very well together though it's still hard watching her decline, at the same time I'm getting more feeble, as well.

I feel fortunate we've had this time together. My motto is "No regrets!."

Charlotte

I don’t know if 65 is elderly, but my mama is an absolute peach! Still working and independent. My stepdad is 70, and while a sort of hardass Italian New Yorker, is a pretty good guy. A little gruff at times, but his heart is good. My husband’s great aunt and uncle were fabulous people into their 80s and 90s and were more like grandparents to us. We try to model our marriage after theirs. So funny and kind, even to the end.

My dad, well even though I was his caregiver for a time, I don’t speak to now. Got to see why he and my mom divorced so many years ago. He’s mentally abusive and ungrateful. My stepmom was much the same. I had heard that my grandmothers were a bit difficult in the ending years, but it was very different to their lifelong personalities thanks to dementia. My prim and proper, God-fearing, church-going-3-times-a-week, admonish her grown children for saying “hell”, grandmother suddenly started swearing like a sailor. We giggled because it was so not her. My dad on the other hand, has always been the way he is and does not have cognitive impairment. So he has no excuse.

Dear UmbrellaGirl,

Your post made me laugh. We are all on this site because we have difficult parents, if they were easy then we wouldn't have anything to whinge about and we wouldn't be here.
As to how many are difficult versus good, well, how many in the general population? Because what I think we are seeing in old age is an extension or a crystallizing of the personality they've already got.
It's taken me a long time to accept that my father will not get better with age. He is a narcissist. He always was. Now it is obvious as his health deteriorates and all his charm has dried up, that he doesn't give a toss about anyone but himself.
I've had a rough couple of months with him, we had a huge fight, he threatened to attack me when I had his drivers license revoked, I had to leave the house (I lived with him and my Mum) during the Covid lockdown and without a job I had to find new lodgings because he refused to let me back in the house.
This is after coming back from another country last year to help with his care as he is poorly, taking him to every doctors appointment, being by his side as his interpreter before surgeries.
He told me I was the worse thing that had ever happened to him and he wished I hadn't been born.
That's his way of saying thank you.
And on the other side of all that drama, I can say, I did the right thing by him, I helped him because he needed it. I might be very reluctant to help him again, but I'll decide at the time.
I had to have his license revoked as he is blind in one eye and has very limited vision in the other, so I was being rational where he couldn't be.
Now that I have had help from lots of people and have found a place to live, I can honestly say I am glad to be away from him. I can breathe easy. I talk and email my Mum every few days, and she is well, she is a lovely person, who does her best to ignore him (she's been doing this for longer that 30 years).
My Dad is a bitter, angry old man. He did that to himself.
What I have learnt from this situation is to change beliefs that do not serve me, to be kind and easy with people, to forgive and forget where I can, and to love people, to share and care for people. Because I figure this is the way to ageing gracefully, with a heart full of love and kindness. I won't turn into a bitter crusty old person.
My Dad has shown me there are all types of hell, and the worst is to have a bitter, angry heart.

You posted an interesting question that really started me thinking. Of course each person is on so different in personally, from the time they are born, such as geans they carry. Then the love and care they were given as children. Struggles through life. Anyone that was born in the 1920s, 1930s, and 1940s experienced a much different life then younger folks can imagine. Depression and war. Many born then, grew up with very strict, stern parents which affected their lives and attitudes and so it was passed on. Many men went off to war, leaving wives/mother's to have to be very strong women and that carried throughout their lives. Another word for strong can be demanding, let alone the personality their were born with.

Over the years, did I often wish my mother was different, you bet! After I married and was out of the home, I could see all of the above and my Dad's doing anything to keep her happy all those years added to the way she acted. My sweet wonderful dear Daddy died suddenly at the age of 66. Mom lived on her own after that. Was a real handful many times. In her 90s I became her caregiver (she had Alzheimers)in her condo and then had to relocate her to the memory care home.

I could write a book about what that was all like and all I learned. So often I got to thinking, that it put us in reverse rolls. But I really do not believe I ever gave her that much trouble. But I am who I am because of the strict upbringing, able to handle challenges, etc. Through it all, I always knew I was loved. And I loved my Mom and Dad. There are many kids that wish their parents where or would be different.

I had a Great Aunt that lived to 103 and she was a sweetheart. Never a problem. Great personality. We always wanted to be with her from the time we were little. She was a very happy, caring person that never said an unkind word about anyone. I think of her so often and hope I can carry on the rest of my life as she did. However she was blessed not to have Alzheimers, but was in a nursing home the last 3 years of her life.

As Alzheimers over takes one's life, there can be so many changes in how they act, which might be a complete turn around from their real self. Or it could be an amplification of it.

God, I hope and pray I will be kind, not a handful to my family as I age. Right now I am caregiver to my husband with Alzheimers.

There are. My mom is off the charts difficult, while everyone thinks their parent is the most difficult, my mom is difficult.

My dad on the other hand was diagnosed with ALZ four years ago and two years ago at age 93 went into a sudden decline which led him to care facilities. The nurses and other professionals were somewhat baffled as they said usually people with ALZ can be ornery, difficult, all that stuff My dad was so easy going, nice and pleasant to be with etc, some of them questioned whether his diagnosis of ALZ was correct.

I am guessing it makes sense as only someone as easy going as my dad could have put up with someone as difficult as my mom.

My mother is Jekyll and Hyde
my MIL was the sweetest most dignified loving woman I ever knew.
my paternal aunt was an extremely loving person even in old age. I’ve heard (the book, the 36 hr day) this occurs when the difficult one has not came to resolution has not sorted out their life an came to terms prior to extreme old age. I’m so sad to see my mother acting so horribly, I wish it could’ve been different but this is the sad reality and I feel for you.

I think the majority Of people who post here are seeking help. The squeaky wheel, you know. People like your cousin dont’t seek help or advice.

The epitome of my late mother was that she was "sweet." Everyone and anyone who knew her would say that that was the perfect description of her. However, herein lay the problem - she lived alone in her own home 7 states away from mine and all the way across country from my one sibling - a male. She had many health issues, but bottom line is that although she was the sweetest lady in the world, she waited far too long to make any decision about what she would do into old age. Even then she did nothing, leaving me to leave my home and family and move in with her 7 states away. Oftentimes what seems like a perfect parent may not be at all. While there may be the 2% anomaly, that is rare indeed and not without fault.

When I was growing up, my mother was very organized, had high expectations, worked at home, and had her good days and bad days. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 3 (cyclothymia), and looking at my behaviors, and what I remember of hers, she likely suffered from something very similar. She was a pastor's wife (already a lot of pressure), and kept things organized, while Daddy made sure things went smoothly as possible for her. He was so in love with her - probably to the point of enabling her.
He was so much fun, but got in a car accident that resulted in brain injury and a slow (2 years) spiral down to death. The only time he ever was anything other than kind and in good spirits was the last night I saw him. He was hallucinating and was talking like a child of about 3 years old. He didn't like the hospital gown and wanted his own pajamas on. When I went to calm him down, he slapped at me like a little boy. In his right mind, he would have been mortified to have seen himself do that.
Once he passed, my mother was confused as to what to do, since her schedule was tied to his. Shortly after his passing, she got a UTI, and her cognition took a hit. She has had several other falls/injuries that have taken her to severe cognitive deficit. However - she is so different than when we lived at home. The staff adores her. Her go-to phrase, when she doesn't know what else to say is "Bless you." We see her for 5-10 minutes via Video Chat each week. She's happy with that.

Have your had your mom checked for Alzheimer's?

My 97 year old mother is very easy going and easy to please. Always has a sweet smile on her face. Appreciates everything I do for her. Caregiving is difficult and can be exhausting at times, but her easy going sweet nature make it so much easier to care for her. My mother is truly a rare breed . She had lots of friends when she was younger. Everyone that met her liked her. Doctors and nurses just love her. She has always been sweet and kind. I am blessed to have such a wonderful, sweet and caring mother. My friends were not so fortunate. They would come to our house and want to stay and live with us. Many times people, business and others would say to me I am so lucky to have such a great mother. I thank God every day for his blessings. My mother is my angel here on earth. I am so blessed to be brought up in a loving home. I take care of my mother because I love her more than words can say. I am happy I can give back to her a fraction of what she was to us kids. She was a great wife as well. Wish everyone had a mother like mine, but feel sad for the ones who had difficulty in their lives. Very sad, indeed.

If a parent has any type of mental illness, such as borderline personality disorder, the illness gets much WORSE as they age. My mother is almost 96 years old and lives alone in her house. Her mental illness is worse than ever!!!! Now her bad days outweigh her good days instead of the other way around.

Maybe one gets it at the beginning or the end. I have to say that my 89 year old mother in AL has become fairly easy going. She truly has been great during this whole Covid crisis. They have been on lockdown since mid March. I have arranged a few drop offs. The only annoying thing is trying to get her an absentee ballot. I understand her wish for the November election but she wants one for the primary and there really isn't such a major vote there but we are doing our best. Her own mother who only made it to 74 could often be difficult especially as she aged so I think she does not want to repeat that.

However it was not always easy growing up with her. She could be so clueless so when I was inclined to be a bit bad I could get away with alot. She slept alot at various stages when I was growing up and I knew that was not normal. She was a terrible housekeeper. I may sound dated with that expression but that was the reality. Couldn't clean,do laundry,cook,organize anything etc. Sometimes one might yearn for some of those qualities. She had me take dance but I wish she had me keep at it. It's my own fault for quitting but I felt I had so little guidance growing up.

I truly will feel awful for her if the AL facility does not ease any restrictions in a month. My grandchildren will be here and she adores them. There have been no cases at all with some testing completed at her facility. Our state also does not have many cases.

Anyway back to the point of your post. Yes there can be elderly people who are not horrors. She is not demanding but I have had a life that has dealt with adversity. She has been a Christian Scientist for all my life and that has been frustrating for me as well as dealing with her. I was an only child. She had a late miscarriage when I was 6 and in letters I found her attitude a bit cavalier yet I would not have wanted another child exposed to what I found difficult.

My father remarried after they divorced. The divorce was basically amicable and I completely understood why it happened. They remained friends. My father passed away 10 years ago at 82 after complications from open heart surgery. He always seemed the healthier and more normal parent. I frequently wish I could talk to him and I do in spirit. Anyway just thought I'd answer your question with an experience that is not mired with negativity. I feel greatly for many here who are overwhelmed with seemingly thankless parents.

I’m a carer for both parents in their almost 90s. They live in an independent retirement home but really should be in assisted living. I’m quite busy with meals, cleaning, appts. Trying to get help with personal care for my mom but she refuses. One day I may find her on the floor after showering. She is stubborn! But usually sweet. My dad has always been generous but very controlling and demanding. I really have to set my boundaries. Even knowing what to cook for him is a pain. He doesn’t like a lot of foods but he pays me to cook for them so he thinks he can be demanding. No help from my siblings whatsoever. That I find difficult but have let that go.

My father-in-law was controlling bastard from the time I met him when I was 14 until he died when I was 67. His personality really seem to concentrate into a controlling awful person by the time he dies at 86. He once said to me that he didn't want to be remembered as a mean old coot. I told him too late for that! My mother-in-law was very wishy washy by the time she died at 83 she was a very sweet lady. My mother and my sister never really got along so by the time my mother died at 98 she and my sister couldn't be in the same room together. My sister kept telling me how mean my mother was but she tolerated everything my mother did or said. I set boundaries early in my teens with my mother and we got along fine. She was very sweet to me and her grandchildren my children. I sometimes think that personalities do become more concentrated as humans age. If you were nice you aged to a nice person but if you were a terror you become a nightmare to those around you as you age.

Usually the "sweet ones" don't have caregivers that need a support group. The "difficult ones" or "extra spice ones" create extra challenges. I figure my feisty personality came from theirs.

My parents both were pleasant, kind, gracious and generous to the end, despite long-term debilitating conditions - lung disease and dementia. Both kept a sense of humor. I miss them.

Plenty. But when things are going swimmingly, why find an aging care group to talk to, to keep from going crazy?

Both my grandmothers were adorable, loving, sweet and basically the perfect mothers, grandmothers, wives and friends. My grandfather were hard working, good men. No drama.

Knowing that the 'crazy' often skips a generation, then I feel a little relieved that maybe I will be OK. Also, dealing with VERY difficult mothers has taught me the cautionary tales of not planning, of being difficult and hard to deal with.

I KNOW I drive my kids 'nuts' to a degree, and that I can't change--but they are parents now and 'get it'.

Thursday I took my daughter's 3 kids for the day (10-6:30). She texted about 2:00 and said "Do I need to come get the kids? Are you ok?" I told her to have a good day. When the littlest one (age 7) began her nightly meltdown I texted daughter back and said "come NOW". When she showed up about 10 minutes later the kids were NOT happy to go home. The look on their faces of the arrival if a parent when then think they're going to work this day into a sleepover is priceless.

I am blessed to have 14 wonderful grands and pretty good relationships with my kids and Inlaws. It's a rollercoaster with my only DIL, but I am learning, slowly, to just give in to her wishes, always.

And yes, people think my mom is a little angel and they could not be further from the truth. My MIL is a demon straight from Hades and my DH would be the first to agree.

Don't be ashamed...your feelings are normal...and so is having some dysfunction in the family...THAT'S more the norm, not your cousin's situation. All of our own situations and circumstance throughout our life shape our relationships. It sounds like your cousin's mother was probably a well-balance person to begin with, probably had loving parents of her own who nurtured her and set a good example, and so her ability to cope with loss, accept help with graciousness carry that on. The only thing the rest of us in the majority can do, which is clearly more easier said than done, is to accept the circumstances we're in, do the best we can and constantly remind ourselves we can't change it or others, but only how we handle it and respond. That's the hard part.

Sure there are some easy going people. I've been helping older people almost 29 years...I learned long ago to never be judgemental of children because that sweet little lady or couple may be just horrible and manipulative to their child who appears to be unhelpful. If I had to guess maybe it's 65% to 35%. But totally a guess.

Just know you're not alone, set some boundaries and take care...

Great question and discussion item. I too struggled with disappointment and envy with friends with loving and easy parents. I often wonder if there are so many of us who have fought this battle with "the greatest generation" because of their life experiences. They experienced living through the poverty of the great depression, working excruciatingly hard, surviving World War 2, and watching modern times change at an alarming rate. I wonder if the toughness they had also led to a lack of empathy and unrealistic expectations? You have to admit that most of them have a take no prisoners approach. Maybe the caretaker generation listened to too much Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura and we therefore expect to be appreciated and treated with some level of respect.

Stay strong caregivers! Give yourselves the gift of a little self care today!

Sadly this is why old age is called the "second childhood." Granted, there are exceptions, but I couldn't begin to offer percentages. A casual observation would support more difficult parents than easy-going parents.

Why are so many elderly difficult? I'd guess they're angry and resentful because they've lost one thing after another: the ability to make their own decisions (autonomy), which extends to where they live and with whom; deterioration of physical (and often mental) health, and the loss of car keys! It must be hard. I wouldn't like it. I sympathize with their losses but not with taking it out on friends and family trying to help.

For the sake of my children and grandchildren, I hope I remember that in another 10 or 20 years. But from what I've observed, the odds are against it. I've already apologized to my children in advance for likely "difficult" behavior and am making plans in advance to avoid future conflict.

i am going thru the same thing! My mom has always been great and just diagnosed with dementia and she is mean, ugly and has turned into a person I don’t even recognize anymore. I totally get you! I made a decision of putting her in a nursing home and it was heartbreaking! The kicker of all is that the employees of the nursing home tell me how sweet and loving she is, like WTF?!?!

I will be 87 so I have lived a long life and I have seen and heard so much. One of the most difficult things is for people to have to deal with people whose behavior and actions and needs have a negative impact on their own lives. This happens all too often and it increases greatly as children and parents become older - the clashes become worse. No one should feel guilty for being angry or resentful about this - if you did not feel that way, I would question what is wrong with you not to rebel. I can't say this any other way but I had a very hard life and it was far too late in my life when I finally woke up and said that I was no longer going to tolerate bad treatment and the resulting impact on me. Now I fight back to stop the bad behavior, etc. The problem is in most cases, you cannot fix it. That leaves two choices. You really "take the bull by the horns" and if need be, go to extremes to force them to stop. If that does not work, and most likely won't, then you have a choice to make. Are you going to keep them in your lives and allow them to destroy YOU or are you going to do the only other sensible thing and place them where they are NOT in your life, other than perhaps phone calls or visits. No one, ever, under any circumstances should let the elderly, or anyone for that matter, cause harm to them. Never.

I would guess that most elderly parents are more easy going. Children of those parents don’t need to come here for help. This of us with the difficult parents are here because we struggle. My mom is a aging narc. My dad was more easy going. He passed away four years ago.

My dad is usually easy going but he is also addicted to tobacco, so when he doesn't have his 'fix' he can get somewhat belligerent. The fact that he is easy going though, doesn't mean that he is not somewhat demanding. He doesn't get mad, but he just wants something DONE all the time. TV is on the wrong channel, he doesn't have his glasses...... On the flip side, the thing I have had to deal with is that he will refuse to accept reality and is an avoidant type person. He had very little emotional involvement with me growing up, so I am kind of looking after someone who didn't always look after me. My mom was the 'manager' who actually took charge and saw that the things needed to be done, got done. I miss not having her input about things we would usually agree about taking action on something - while he would just leave the house so as not to deal with it!