Mom is living alone. I go daily to clean her house and make sure she gets dinner. I am basically the maid, cook, laundry girl, driver, social planner, everything. She does not reimburse me one penny. Typically I pay for opera tickets, ballet, etc. I just had her trust redone as it included someone we do not really know and have no connection to, which was a remnant of my step-dad's will from 11 years ago when he passed and everything went to mom. I let go her caretaker/cleaning lady due to concerns about missing items, not doing what is asked, staying late, etc. I have a new person who basically stays there 4 days a week for 5 hours a day socializing with mom and making sure she gets lunch and her vitamins (she is not on meds, she is very healthy for a 90 year old). She sleeps like a rock so far and wakes up doing fairly well. She has lost procedural memory and will ask how to do some things and gets along well. I am with her Fri tru Sunday most of the day and afternoon and evenings M-Th. I want to keep her at home and have help but not sure if will be acceptable in the future when she declines. Has anyone done this? Thank you.
Do I recommend it? No. My ex's decision to become his parents' full-time caregiver 150 miles from our family home contributed to the demise of our marriage, and it caused him a lot of stress. All his hair fell out the last year his parents were alive.
I wish you peace and strength for you and your mother.
I kept my Husband at home. Not sure if I could physically do now what I did then though.
And my house is one that was built handicap accessible. So I had a great advantage. (and an advantage for me as I plan to remain here until they tie a tag on my toe and haul me out feet first)
I had to learn to use a Sit to Stand, then a Hoyer Lift,.
I had to learn to change a brief while he was in bed and not soil the sheets below him. Also had to learn to change the sheets while he was in bed.
Had to learn to change a brief while he was sleeping
I had to learn what to look for, listen for while he was eating and drinking.
I had to learn what he wanted since he was non verbal.
And this is the tip of the iceberg.
Now I have to ask you why are you spending YOUR money on things like opera tickets and ballet tickets for your 90 year old mother.
You should be getting paid for your caregiving.
You should be getting reimbursed for the things you pay for.
Are you POA? or her Guardian?
If neither how did you get her trust redone?
Your mother should probably have someone there with her 24/7 not just a few hours 4 days a week.
Take all this as you wish as I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be living alone. There are far to many things that can happen in the hours that no one is there.
What if the "guy from the electric company" knocks at the door telling her he needs to inspect the breaker box? would she let him in?
What about a young lady who says her car broke down and could I please use your phone to call for a tow? would she let her in?
What happens if mom decides to go get the mail at 3am...and does not return because she lost her way? how long would it be before someone would discover she is missing?
My dad would get up in the middle of the night and sneakily grab what he thought were his car keys. He’d head for the garage so he could drive to “work.” Someone always intervened before he got out of the driveway. I shudder to think what could have happened if he’d managed to leave the house.
Please find a good memory care facility for your mom! She deserves professional care, and you deserve to be relieved of the horrendous burden of caring for a 90-year-old dementia patient who will only get worse, never better.
If she becomes incapacitated to the point she is unsafe to be alone, you will need to make a change. Move in with her, hire someone to move in with her, or find a comfortable care home for her to spend her remaining time.
Her needs could progress to require more physically demanding help, such as with bathing, toileting, diaper changes, and mobility. Then you will need to determine whether you are able to meet her needs safely.
Best case scenario, she could simply pass away peacefully before ever requiring more assistance. That is unlikely if she is still very healthy and active but suffering from a debilitating disease such as Alzheimer's/Dementia. The disease will slowly take it's toll, and take away her independence.
This woman was still mobile and the Alzheimer’s wasn’t too bad when she died. Apparently she was never at risk of leaving the stove on, running the bath until the tub overflowed, wandering out of the house alone, etc.
I don’t know how often the is type of scenario is possible.
My dad had frontotemporal dementia and there is NO WAY he could have lived on his own once it took hold. He did lots of crazy and dangerous things, lost all sense of safety, and acted odd with other people.
Two and a half years ago, they started paying a caregiver from care.com three times a week to help with their hygiene.
My brother, who lives around the corner, took over the handling of their finances and home repairs, etc.
My brother and I made their home “elderly friendly.”
As both parents declined, they paid for more caregiver shifts.
More decline, more caregiver shifts,
Soon they were paying for 24 hours of caregivers, seven days a week.
I was handling their doctor visits and medications and doctor communication (I live in a different state). I paid for supplies and items I thought would enhance their lives as they aged. Their caregivers were taking them to the doctors.
As of May 1, they’ve been on hospice care.
In short, my parents were able to do it because their savings were put towards paying for round the clock caregivers, my brother managed their finances and home, and I managed their medical and comfort needs before Hospice came on board.
P.S.: I have left out a lot of details— the hard work, the emotions, the agitation, the hallucinations, the falls, the hospital visits, the crying, the sleepless nights, even more falls, figuring out which medications work and don’t work, UTIs, yelling, dealing with doctors who don’t know anything about dementia, hiring and firing caregivers, witnessing two human beings deteriorate, etc., etc.
Yes, people attempt to keep an elder in their home (or are guilted into doing it) but it comes at a great cost to that adult child.
My MIL was first in AL then had to go into LTC in a very excellent but affordable faith-based facility that was close to our home. She was there for 7 years. The staff treated her so well, and they had activities and events all the time, they took her in her wheelchair to meals so she had social exposure. What is the point of keeping your poor Mom cloistered in her home alone?
My Mom is now getting agency aids 7 days a week for a 8 hrs a day and it is very pricey because they are a highly rated agency and so far we've had great aids. But financially she won't be able to keep this up for long and I have no intention of being her hands-on caregiver.
I had an Aunt, with advanced dementia but still semi-mobile, who was living in her own home with her older sister and they were being cared for by 2 local nieces who were doing a great job. One lived next door to them, the other lived locally and only wanted to get paid $15, which nowadays is not realistic. The demented Aunt also slept like a rock until one night she didn't -- and got out of her bed and fell and broke her hip, went to rehab where she continued to attempt to get out bed. I was in the process of finding placement for her when she passed away in her sleep at the rehab facility (age 100).
Please search hard for reputable facilities so that you know what the options are if you ever change your mind. Nextdoor.com is a great intranet forum to ask your actual neighbors in your community for recommendations. They will be honest and current.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as your figure out the best care for your Mom that doesn't come at a cost to you.
This is what my dad wanted to do, and he did. He had no idea how hard it was for me. And I had caregivers to help. Also a housekeeper once a week. Finally it was over.
So let's walk into his home, a beautiful South Florida villa. He'd been sick for almost 8 months. His hospital bed is on the sun porch. He loved to look out at the greenery and sky. The carpets are stained because he had accidents, bladder and bowel. Sometimes his bowels would just empty when we stood him up. We took precautions, the three and more caregivers and I. But it still happened. And food and drinks were spilled. He fell and bumped into things, leaving marks on the walls and furniture. His walker is in the corner. And the oxygen tanks. And the Hoyer lift. A stand to wheel his catheter bag when he walked outside. His suspenders tossed over the back of a chair. He needed them because his pants wouldn't stay up when he lost so much weight.
His medical supplies mingle with the food in the fridge. There are plastic bags of medical things and also morphine. Pills here and there, especially in the kitchen. Many bottles, many dispensers. All sorts of aids in the bathroom for toileting and showering. All kinds of bandages and boxes from catheters and other supplies. We had to make room for all the equipment throughout the house, so furniture and other items are piled in the dining room. We can't eat there. He can't either.
The whole house smells like a sickroom. Bodily fluids, disinfectant spray to cover the odor. Antiseptics. Rubbing alcohol. Ointments. Paperwork from his hospitalizations. Folders pertaining to chemo, appointments. Large message boards for caregivers, for appointment reminders. Little papers with phone messages. Always dirty dishes to be washed, large bags of adult diapers to be disposed of (the garbage can, which was built into the ground, wasn't large enough for all that we needed between trash pickups). Always laundry to be done.
Dad crying that he wanted to die. Hospice doctors, nurses, a minister and PTs in and out. Never quiet in the house until nighttime. Difficult to leave the house to buy food, and I'd cook it only to have visitors stop by and eat it. Dad begging doctor to give him a shot to end it. Doctor saying no.
Dad thought he was in a hospital for the last couple months of his life. All that work to help him die at home, and he didn't even know where he was.
People like to believe that dying at home preserves their loved one's dignity. It does not. This is what dying at home looks like, and I'm not doing that to my family.
If the plan is for your mother to be at home, there needs to be two live-in caregivers. If there's a large enough house, both of them can live there. You design what the work and hours are going to look like. This means who does what housework on what days, how they will get the meals cooked for your mother and themselves, who does the grocery shopping, etc... Then it will be alternating weekends off. This way you will be supervising and overseeing the caregiving operation instead of driving yourself into the ground trying to do everything and go broke paying for it.
Or you can hire two caregivers. One Monday-Friday and the other who does weekends. This way no one can make your mother's home their legal residence. As with the first suggestion, you design what the careplan will look like.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years. I am now in the business of it. Almost all the positions I ever had along with providing elder-sitting services and companionship, included cooking, errand running, and housekeeping. This is what homecare does. From what you're saying here, your mother needs more than just a paid companion to spend time with her or take her out.
One more thing. When you fired the cleaning lady, did you have proof that she stole anything or are you going on the word of a 90-year old with dementia? Do you not know that it is the responsibility of the client (or their family/represntatives) to secure all valuables and make sure they are not accessible to the hired help and the person with dementia. I get calls every day that grandma's diamond ring is missing, or cash is missing, or some other thing. I tell them all that is it their responsibility to secure valuables and the agency is not responsible.
This cleaning lady that you fired could have been staying late because your 90-year old mother with Alzheimer's who lives alone, asked her to. I can't tell you how many times some elderly client tried to push cash, jewelry, and other valuables off on me over the years. I always refused and reported it to whatever agency I worked for, and if I was in a private-pay case. reported to the family. This was easy for me because I was married and really didn't have to worry about money. When some cleaning lady or homecare worker can't make ends meet or is facing eviction, and some rich old person is all but putting the cash and jewelry in their pockets, how can they turn it down? This is why we say the client and family is responsible for securing all money and valuables so they are not accessible.