Are memory care workers trained in budding, could be romantic, relationships?

My concern probably doesn’t apply in memory care, if both people are equal mentally. My dreadful father got respite in a mixed facility, and bragged to me about having sex with an elderly woman who didn’t remember it in the morning. He knew exactly what he was doing. Her family removed her (he said it wasn't fair), the facility threw him out.

You asked "But how much is mom (and her family) now paying for mom to have a sex life?" Oh, come on. Whoever is paying is paying for meals, room cleaning, babysitting, medicines, a safe place for her to be while her mind slowly dies. I hope when/if my day comes and I am in Memory Care I will be able to live as much life as I can.

As her brain dies, this romance she has will probably die too.

Why is her family paying? That is not a good idea.

Is the "Anything dumb together" sex? Maybe kissing? My answer is "so what"? Just because a person is old doesn't mean they don't need cuddling, etc. Probably can't have sex anyway for a lot of reasons. I know it is hard to think of your parents "doing the dirty", but physical love can and does extend into the 80's. (I know this for sure). Others will be able to help you understand better than I can.

Imho, that may be against the patient's rights to interfere with a "supposed" relationship.

This is a hard one. If it were my parent. I would not interfere with the relationship. Who else is going to be her/his companion when the rest of us are living their own lives and cannot be with him or her 24/7?
If for what ever reason they get agitated or violent with each other, then they would need to be separated. Otherwise let them have happiness in their final years.

Nursing homes and assisted livings have now taken to calling their normally locked dementia units "memory care". It sounds nice, but really the people working on that floor are the same employees working in every other part of the facility. They don't have special training. They don't get special pay. They're not going to interfere in the patient's life. They do the same in memory care as they do in any other part of the nursing home. Meds, meals, hygiene, and that's about it. The social work staff is who plans activities and entertainments.

In many cases facilities has adopted the latest philosophy of "patients rights" which means as long as there is no abuse, residents can form relationships as long as both sets of families are alright with it and any intimate actions are done in private. You can probably find the extent of the philosophy in your admissions contract. I would talk to the administrator of the facility and find our what they think about the situation as ask if the gentleman's family has any feelings about it. I wouldn't be concerned about them doing anything dumb at their ages unless you are referencing this man's possible suicidal feelings or , and this could be dangerous -- his ability to talk your Mom into one of his escape plans!!!!

As to whether MC staff are "trained" in this, I believe it varies from facility to facility, just like most things. As long as no harm is being done and neither family objects, then there would be no need to intervene. But in your case it sounds like this is not good for your mother. I would suggest a discussion with staff, requesting they intervene, and if there are no results, then moving that discussion up to admin. If worse comes to worst, you may even want to research other possible facilities for your mother. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else right now. My thoughts are with you.

Sounds like MC needs to keep a closer eye on him.

My dad met someone at a nursing home. They both had dementia. They held hands and googled at each other all day. Kissing in a quiet room. So not like my dad...never showed emotion or touch. But he looked forward to seeing her everyday! And she brought him so much happiness. They did have their moments of jealousy thinking other residents were trying to steal each other. The drama!!! High school love all over again. But without her...he was so lonely. Glad he was able to find happiness before he passed.

More about my mother (age 82) and her boyfriend (age 80) in locked memory care.

Boyfriend has "escaped" the building twice. He waited by the front door and followed out the door behind a delivery person. (This lobby area can't easily be seen from the rest of the group living room. The doorbell dings when someone goes out, but I suppose aides just thought it was the delivery person.) My mother knew he was planning it, but intentionally did not tell anyone. That's right, sweet innocent mom watched him walk out and did not tell anyone and did not answer their questions, even though she knew he was a fall risk and shouldn't walk unassisted! The first time, he intended to go back to his old house several states away, then come back and get her. He was found on the private road a short time later. The second time, he was angry and frustrated, and mom believed he was actually suicidal. He walked out without his walker, without a sweater, without his phone and wallet--he told mom he wouldn't need those things anymore. Again, mom told no one, even though she was worried about him. He was found again a short time later, so no harm done.

No harm except...mom is now seen as a resident with "difficult behaviors," just like boyfriend.

No harm except...mom has the added stress of trying to emotionally support a depressed, angry, elderly man with dementia--24 HOURS PER DAY!

They both have dementia, What is the "dumb" thing they might do together?

Drive off and live on the beach together? Have sex all day in their rooms?? Are you worried your Mom will get pregnant?

Sexual or intimate activities can run the gamant of holding hands and being nice to each other to rockin the bed and screaming with pleasure!!

I suggest you be happy she has companionship and has a man that is interested in her. If they both still have sexual urges and they both want to have that activity in some manner god bless them. You are going to be that age one day. You want your children intefereing with your enjoyment?
We are all living soooo much longer and the intimacy part of our lives has the potential to be extended as well. Have you ever looked up the mental, physical and emotional benefits for Seniors to remain sexually active? The physical, mental and emotional benefits are well documented.

Factor in the dementia. This week my mother told us they were served green meatballs for breakfast and it was served by soldiers. (It was Brussels sprouts for lunch served by aids wearing uniforms.) Her mind creates solutions to the things she can’t describe anymore. She has also watched her dead sister acting in a movie being filmed down the hall, saw my dead brother outside her window, and seen lizards in her room.

I would talk to the staff to get the facts. Your mother might just be fantasizing a romance. And if it’s true how nice she has someone to care about.

Special friendships are very common in residential facilities. Some are "puppy love/crushes," some lead to later in life marriages, and a lot never progress beyond friendship. If your mom and the gentleman are single, they are free to care about each other. Are you worried they may indulge in intimacy outside the bonds of marriage? Most facilities will not intervene between consenting adults unless the families of their clients voice their concerns.

One of the VERY important things that many caregivers overlook when caring for anyone is TOUCH.
Not touch when you are changing a brief.
Not touch when you are dressing them
Not touch when you are bathing them
But REAL TOUCH.
Holding hands.
Massage
Looking into their eyes
Talking to them on a level even with them.
Relating to him or her in a personal way.
"We" ask how was your day, do you want chicken or fish for dinner (if that), time to take your medicine, time for bed, time to take a shower, time to get dressed.
Yes I will admit that conversation with someone with Dementia is a challenge. But it is little things like this that they miss just as much as we miss it in return.
So if mom or dad (or your spouse) finds someone in Memory Care that they can relate to, that they can hold hands with. That they can "spoon" with. If that makes their day better why stop it.
Now if one of the two is not understanding cues that indicate that the attention is not wanted then the staff should step in to redirect the more forward of the two.
Be glad that mom has found someone that can make her day better We could all use someone like that.

Marcy, at her age what kind of "dumb thing" could they do that would have any repercussions other than some possible embarrassment for you? My MIL had an admirerer in the MC she was in, we all joked about it ( even her hubs, who she mostly recognized) I think it;s very common . Be glad she has found a friend that makes her happy, they have so little to be happy about at her age!

What possible difference can it make to you that your mother is experiencing the thrill of a little titillation? She’s still a human being...as are you.

Sandra Day O'Connor, the Supreme Court Justice, had this happen with her husband. He fell in love with another woman in his nursing home, and Sandra had to watch their romance blossom as a stranger would. She handled it very graciously, from what I remember reading.

My mother has an imaginary husband. She has conjured up her first boyfriend from high school who has come back and married her even though they haven't seen each other since 1946. He's also been dead since 2009, but I'd never tell her that.

Even though this guy exists only in her imagination, I get to hear about their sex life -- although I shut that down pretty quickly when she goes there -- how wonderful he is, how his parents come to visit and are kind of obnoxious, and how happy she is. Early on it was very hard for me to accept, because my darling father and the love of her life for 66 years had died only weeks before the new dreamboat popped into her mind. However, as time has gone on, I'm grateful for her creative imagination, because Dan the Man has kept her company during the Covid lockdown when I cannot. She isn't depressed, it gives her something to talk about when every day is pretty much like any other, and she looks forward to her sweetie coming home from flying around the world every day (apparently he's a personal pilot for the Kennedy family). Her stories are priceless.

Real or imaginary, everyone wants someone to love.

This situation is really a double-edge sword, making mom happy and raising all kinds of new issues and risks. Definitely do NOT expect staff and aides to deal with it in a consistent way. They may not even have a written policy regarding relationships and physical intimacy. Or they may have a written policy, but the staff and aides who see you mother every day might not have read or had training in that aspect of the policy in a long time, if ever.

What you CAN expect--on a day-to-day level, staff and aides will do what's easiest for themselves, and you have limited control over that. It will be easy for staff and aides to assume that mom and her new friend are keeping each other occupied much of the time, leaving staff and aides free to deal with other residents, with the result that mom and her friend actually get less attention from professionals.

If one tends to be more agitated than the other, staff and aides are going to be unwilling to pull them apart for any reason during the day, because one is keeping the other calm. This means mom and boyfriend spend much of the day in their own world, refusing to join in activities, refusing to make the effort to communicate with other people. If boyfriend, for example, has a private-pay companion or aide who comes to the facility for his special needs, boyfriend gets agitated if private-pay person tries to separate him from mom for even an hour.

If boyfriend is more agitated and confused and sickly than mom, mom is spending much of her day worrying over boyfriend, tending to his emotional needs as much as she can, trying to keep him from becoming agitated and depressed. It can quickly and easily devolve into a situation where mom spends 24 hours per day with an agitated, depressed, suicidal, frustrated, angry man with dementia, and staff and aides are mostly OK with the situation because it reduces their work load a bit. Don't be surprised if mom becomes a full-time emotional support caregiver for a disabled man she's known for 2 months, while you're still paying for it!

I could write more, but for now, I'll just let you know this has been my experience with my mother in memory care at a nice, upscale, suburban memory care.

These relationships happen. In MC consent can't go much beyond holding hands. Companionship can be very important and if it makes your mom feel "giddy" that's a good thing. Once when I visited my wife in MC, she came down the hall holding hands with the new guy in town. Felt sort of shocked at first then I remembered where she was. Just keep everything in perspective.

When I toured facilities for my mom the head nurse told me that some residents form relationships but they never allow them to enter each other’s rooms. They are only together in the visible common areas.

Yes, this is common and I wouldn't interfer. My daughter had a couple who thought they were married. To the point if u tried to separate them they would fight you. Both had spouses who visited. My Mom thought the man who drove her to Daycare was her boyfriend and wanted mevto call him for her. I told her I had no idea what his phone number was. He was very nice to her. Came and helped me get her out of the door.

Speak to the admin at your facility. Generally at Memory Care the staff is large enough to keep an eye on goings on within the locked facility. I don't think otherwise there is a whole lot of interference. It is quite common for there to be romance and special friendships, and in fact for some elders to believe another is their husband or wife. I personally knew a friend of my Aunt who visited her husband daily in a Kansas City Memory Care where the gentleman believed another resident was his wife, and his actual wife was the "nice lady who visits me". It was a process, but the wife came to accept it, and to be thankful her husband was so content at his facility.