Apparently, I’m still unreasonable. Any advice?

Funny how back in your old original post MIL said she never wanted to move in with you and now that's all she wants.

I can't believe how quickly her health failed and how
many issues she now has.

Stay strong and do not let MIL move in. Good luck.

Who does DH think will provide MIL's care?

- Him? No. He works. Also travels frequently.
- You? You said No.
- Home Care Agency Aides? Can MIL pay for this?

Is he stuck at 'We'll figure it out'?

Will he hire a hospital bed for the garage & have the kids as sitters when Aides are no-show or late?

This is an older woman who has many health needs. Put her needs as PRIORITY. Not his hero-helper-wish or reluctance to say no to bullying family members.

I'm sorry - I would look the Social Worker at the Nursing Home in the eye and say - "Here is the situation - she must be discharged to a nursing home. It is critical that I be perfectly blunt with you. You do not have the full picture. When she leaves here there is NO plan for her care. At this time, she is an UNSAFE DISCHARGE from your facility. My DH is assuming that she can come live with us, and let me be clear, I am NOT in agreement with that plan. I have a full plate of my own, taking care of OUR 4 children, 2 of whom have Autism. And I will NOT be assuming the responsibility of taking care of his mother. And he CANNOT assume the responsibility of hands on care because he travels 75% of the year. So she cannot be discharged to our home. So, once again, she is considered an unsafe discharge. There is only one option that is safe for her."

And if he pitches a fit, you look him in the eye and you say this "I have tried to discuss this with you in private. You have refused to discuss details or even listen to what I have had to say. So you left me no choice but to lay it all on the table here. I will not be held responsible for your mother's care. I HAVE other responsibilities, and those are my only priorities. I hate that you are unable to see your way clear to understand, but that is not my problem. Your mother is unable to do even the first thing to take care of herself now, and she cannot come to live in our home. Our children need my full attention. And you will not be there to provide her care. There will be no one else to provide it but me, and I cannot possibly give anyone else my time. You need to hear this loud and clear now. We don't have anymore time for you to pretend this is going to work. You cannot fix this for her any other way. You do not have an obligation to physically take care of her, and you are not the one that would be doing it anyway. You are voluntelling ME that I will add your mother to my responsibilities and I am TELLING you now that it will not happen. Let me be perfectly clear. If she comes to our home, the children and I will be leaving our home. And you will STILL have to figure out who will be taking care of your mother. I'm not your free caregiver plan because you don't want to make the hard decisions!"

And then you have to stick by it and not let him bully you into doing this. I'm afraid this is one of those unfortunate times when an ultimatum is called for and it's a hill to die on.

The answer is "The day she moves in I move out". And then DO IT. Start looking into seperation of finances and a new place to stay now. Say it gently and tell him that you may even help out if there is time in your new life. But you won't do that again. Period.

Update: So my mother in law was discharged from the nursing home and to our home Last week. Yes I gave in but i wanted my husband to see how bad it was going to be for us. He took off work for 2 weeks to “help” me with her. By the 3rd DAY of helping me roll her over to change her pressure wound, and using the lift machine, cooking meals, the house smelling bad, emptying her poop bag and catheter and helping me bathe her and dealing with our kids, he was over it. He started making phone calls to get her transferred out of here. I called her doctor 2 days ago and told him she was confused and had a fever and he told me to call the EMT’s to pick her up and transport her to the hospital. So now she’s hospitalized with a UTI. My husband immediately talked to some doctors and now she’s being transferred to a long term care hospital that specializes in severe pressure wounds on Friday. She meets the criteria. I knew once he had to help me with her care, he was going to get rid of her. He’s not a hands on person. Not even with our own children smh. Now I’m going to enjoy our last few weeks of summer vacation with my children, instead of being a nursing home. Yay!

For me this is an easy one.

I would tell all "She moves in and I move out. Same day. No fuss, no muss and no argument."

Ahmijoy, who used to post here so beautifully was great at teaching folk to just say "NO". One word, two letters and full stop.

Up to you. Your choice. You can be a human being with free will or a doormat for whomever tells you what happens next.

I wish you the very best. But as you said, to their minds YOU are the problem.
YOU are also the one not making your needs clear. So it IS in fact all up to you.

NO, is a complete sentence. NO. Just No. and then NO again if they didn’t catch it the first time.

FUW - So happy and relieved for you. This is enough reason to celebrate.

I hope your husband will never bring MIL back home again. She's too sick. At 300 lbs, yeah, you will literally break your back helping her. It's just beyond ridiculous to make you her FT nurse on top of taking care of young children.

What a great update, Fed. Glad you stood your ground.

EVERYONE:
If you are as bad as me you seldom remember to look for dates and to see if this is an updated post. It is. Fed up has good news for us; be sure to see her recent update to us.

Most recent update from you after MIL in care in nursing home for 100 days is as follows:
18 hours ago:


FedUpWife45
18 hours ago
After 100 days in the nursing home for rehab, she realized she didn’t want to live permanently in a nursing home anymore. I get it but living with us isn’t the answer either…" (end of update)

I wonder, Fedup, if you can update us now on just what is happening? The responses have updates going back as far as February; Margaret was unable to find you post in which you said that you accepted her back home and you and your hubby then agreed that was no doable, and she was in care, apparently after that for some 100 days.

I am confused as to where this all stands now. I wonder if you could start a new thread "Update from FedUp re MIL current circumstances.
Best out to you.

February 6th Question.

Unless the other family members are willing to take care of their mother themselves, they really need to shut their pie-holes.