It’s me again. Start here to get caught up :
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-being-unreasonable-468312.htm
So My MIL did not move in with us last summer but she did spend the holidays with us and that went ok. Everything was fine until last month. After a series of events, she ended up hospitalized and has been hospitalized for nearly a month. I convinced my husband to put her in rehab after she’s discharged from the hospital but Now he is talking about her moving in with us again. I can’t believe we are back here again but I’m sure you all aren’t surprised this came up again. Now even her brothers are telling him she needs to move in with us. Its so frustrating. My husband already travels too much and I have my hands full with the children. This is not going to work. I told my husband this is not a good idea. He says im being unreasonable. My biggest concern is, What if rehab doesn’t help her? What if she remains total care? I’m not breaking my back trying to roll her over or lift her up.
Tell your husband you are sorry but there is NO way you can take this on. Just no. Even with full-time helpers, having her in your home will be a lot of stress and work and if he's not around to manage it all, then it's not going to happen.
Best of luck.
Just like with last summer's vacation, put your foot down.
Tell him if it's so "doable" you'll leave for 2 weeks and leave him with his two person assist mom and the kids. Tell him use his vacation days to do this.
ETA, no, leaving the kids would be a terrible idea, but I'd be curious what his reaction would be to HIM doing all this work that he thinks is so easy.
It is HIS mother, after all. Why on earth does he think his wife should be doing the caregiving?
Either you and his children are the priority, or his mother is, it is just that simple.
This will not work and you know it.
Once she is moved in it is too late, she is on a downward spiral, it will only get worse.
You are doing awesome but use the word NO. It is much stronger and direct than telling him it's not a good idea. Practice in the mirror if you have to. Stay strong and keep saying no.
And please remember that when she was there over christmas it did not go very well because MIL tried to get you to wait on her and acted helpless.
I guess you blocked out all the crap she pulled over Christmas. You might have to reread what you posted about it again to refresh your memory of the nightmare of that visit.
And tell husband to tell his brothers they can always move mom into their house if they want to.
Sorry you are still having to deal with your husband's crap regarding his mother.
It is time to flat out say NO. This will not work for you and not for your kids. The sons can push all they want. It's THEIR mother. If they cannot abide by placing Dear ol' Mama in memory care, then it's time she lived with them.
It would be terrible to give an ultimatum, but it may come to that. I'd hope to all things holy he'd pick you and his kids.
You might give it a quick read, relates to your situation
I didn't read the back story but for me that would be the long and short of it. And I would be telling hubby that the day she walks in would be the day I walked out and that I would send child support for the kids. A few months of THAT and he would likely change his mind. Or NOT.
But the fact that women are treated like slaves chained by their kids in these matters wouldn't be the way I would play it. Just say it sweetly:
"Hon, there is only room for one woman in this household. That is either me or your Mom. If it is your Mom I hope she is real good at child care, because I will be too busy getting my own place and working a few low paying jobs. I love you and I would NEVER take your children from you. Let me know when we should sit the kids down and telling them we are separating is the bad news but the good news is that Grandma is moving in and they don't have to pack up."
And just to let you know, the day you let her in the door is the day you are DONE.
If Mom is in Rehab have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If she needsvit place her in the NH hopefully attached. Tell her sorry, I cannot physically care for you. She can't go into an AL because she is a 2 person assist,
You can come at this from the perspective of unity.
“Honey, you and I can be on the same side here. We ARE on the same side. We *both* want what is best for your mom. That’s why we don’t want to respond to all of this out of unreliable emotion/drama like the rest of the fam, including your uncles. Your uncles don’t want guilt so they are grabbing on to the next drowning people (us) to save themselves. They are acting like small children. In this situation, sucky though it is, we are the grown ups.
First of all, tangential family members don’t get a say in our lives. They can say whatever they want… you and I can just ignore it. This isn’t about your mom’s needs. They are playing on your emotions to get you to do what *they* want.
so…
Let’s take the emotion out and look at this logically. Mom needs x, y and z. While guilt may trick us into thinking we need to provide that in our home, the reality is, that isn’t possible because your mother (and her brothers) are not the only people whose lives and needs and happiness need to be considered.
Making the right and smart decision involves looking at your mom’s needs (not merely her wants) as well as the needs of our marriage and our children (both of which come before the needs of ANYONE else).
The needs of someone like your mom are so great that they require more than you or I can provide. Can it be done? Sure. At the expense of our relationship with each other, our children, the peace of our home, our work and our friends, not to mention the toll on our health. I think it is pretty clear that is not an option.
It strikes me that the issue here is guilt (insert language from AlvaDeer, etc.) You have to hear me when I tell you that you are still a good son. Sacrificing our lives on the altar of your mom’s age and infirmity will not make you a better son. It will not make your uncles think you are great. It will just ruin all of the good things you have in your life. In her right mind, NO mother would really want that.
We can’t make her happy. We can’t take away her age/illness. That isn’t realistic.
but…
Let’s work together to get her in a place of proper care. You and I can go visit her and pamper her there. We can shower her with love there. Then we can come home and share our grief that aging is hard. And, then we can laugh with and hug each other and our kids and thank God we all have each other.
and everyone else who wants to create drama or make us feel bad for making a solid decision out of a bunch of bad choices can go suck eggs.”
Hopefully, that gives you a starting point. Sometimes, changing language makes all the difference.
You have to stay even and calm during these discussions, but *always* hold firm.
No one moves into a marital home unless the decision is unanimous by BOTH people. Period. To do it any other way is just wrong. This isn’t one of those things where the desires of the person wanting the move in are equal to the person who doesn’t. All in or it’s a no go.
I hope this helps and wish you the best. I understand that it isn’t always practical to give a marriage the heave ho because someone is being a big ole buttock, so I hope this is good for thought.
I truly hope the OP can read this out, word for word & that the husband starts to hear it.
Even if it takes 50, 100 or more times. He needs to look at WHY he believes he must pacify his Uncles & their guilt
Another sideways thought...in the past, could there have been a relative or friend that went to AL with awful experience?
I understand the willingness of your husband to go along with his Mom's siblings, however, I don't understand why the siblings have such an influence on him. If you found a good AL for her, she would probably be well taken care for the rest of her life. If you started research into Medicaid, then you might be able to find a decent place to put her and work towards placing her.
For all you went through, I think there is something else that is going on that is making your husband go on the offensive by saying that you are being unreasonable. If you can find it, then you can attack those assumptions directly.
About rehab, the goal is not to restore the person back to the way they were before the injury. There comes a point at which rehab doesn't think it can do anymore for a person so they discharge the person and Medicare no longer pays. So, it is possible that rehab is going to release your MIL and she will require even more care than she did previously.
If there's potential inheritance at stake then the people concerning themselves with preserving it should be the ones assuming the caregiving responsibilities.
A woman with four school-age children cannot take that on.
The Uncles. Men. Their aim: find a woman to be Mother's servant. Why? Because they have a p3n15 & you don't? Sorry but that just makes me so mad 😡
To your husband;
No.
I said no..
I mean no.
If you want to live with your Mother - go. But that decision will have giant consequences.
You will be moving out.
You will need to rent your own house/apartment.
We will need to sort out our finances to live separately.
This will add so much stress to our marriage it may end it.
My answer would be a firm no with a strong suggestion to attend a marriage councillor with me. Not to change his mind, but for him to HEAR you - coz he is not.
You've put your foot down before (and have had brief trials of her living with you), and you will do it again.
Was there any attempt to figure out MIL's finances, eligibility for Medicaid, and what's available in the area for NHs? (Sounds like she's going to be beyond AL.)
This has already been established.
So whether or not rehab is beneficial to her really is beside the point.
She is not moving into your house under any circumstances.
If your husband wants to get stupid and move her in anyway, that's when you find a divorce lawyer. I hope you've been putting away money for a rainy day because that day might be coming soon.
And when it rains, it pours.
MIL is will not be living with you. If that means you no longer live with your husband, trust me you'll be doing yourself and your kids a favor.
You (the wife) come before the MIL. That is the proper order of things. Do not let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
"Thanks for the compliment; that's what I am trying for!!"
Don't argue. Don't fight. Just lay down the law, and leave when it is not carried out.
Good luck.
Sadly, FedUp may not be able to change her husband's mind (yet) about *unreasonable*. It is not nice or great to be thought of as unreasonable but the alternative - to be *reasonable* and give in seem much much worse.
In the future, I hope FedUp's husband can look back with unfogged vision to see things with more clarity. It does happen that folk do.
(One old workmate did. She would not back down about moving her Mother in - so he took a job several hours away & moved out. She later followed him & seemed to get it).
Sorry for being sarcastic. I was reminded of how I was as a teenager if I felt that I was being unfairly criticized by my parents.
LOL 😆 I ended up fulfilling a few prophecies of my parents, just to show them that I didn’t appreciate what they said.
Defrost, cook, and serve everything you have in your freezer and start to replace those items with TV dinners. Point out to him that since there will be no other way that he'll be able to manage you're helping him out.
Do you have any relatives that can take you and your kids in?
Buy new underwear, a couple of new clothing items and luggage. Tell him that you absolutely understand and will not get in the way of HIS plans.
Get a lawyer for advice and hopefully not action.
I have a friend who has two autistic sons. One is severely autistic and lives in a group home. He is 52 years old. Her younger autistic son has always and still lives with her. He is 45. My friend, their mom is 82. She divorced her husband 40 years ago. She has live a good, gentle life these many years.
I'm here to tell you, your MIL's brothers are real pieces of p**p.
Anyone (which includes your husband) who volunteers someone else's services with or without the heartache and burdens you already have has p**p for brains and heart.
And, honey babe, you're nuts if you don't keep your response to his conversation on this topic to a two word explicative. Let me give you a hint, the second word is "**** you". End of conversation.
No she's not.
My husband's family (and my own) tried to pull this when I wasn't working. People in the family needed elder and child care. Payment was even offered. No thank-you.
I flatly refused. So did my husband. I tell you there was A LOT of sh*t talked about both of us for a long time. I didn't care and I still don't.
No adult has to explain why they are not available to provide child, elder, and pet care services to others.
No married woman or man for that matter has to justify themselves to others for why they don't work.
If the husband or wife doesn't have a problem with it, no one else should.
The time I didn't work for a while was the happiest time of my life with my husband and son. I took care of them and no one else.
You have multiple MEN assuming....that because you are already home anyway....that MIL coming to live with you isn't going to be a big deal. I mean....what's one more person to take care of right? My head is spinning right now. When your MIL visited for the holidays - did your husband take over her care while she was there entirely? Did he take time off of work to help you out while she was there? I'm assuming it was somewhat of an extended visit.
This man needs to be educated and fast. And her brothers - just ignore them. People that don't live in your home don't get any vote period.
Your husband, all due respect to you- I'm going to have to agree with Barb here - he's an idiot. He has no freaking clue what it is that he is asking of you. Literally none. Does he have any idea of what you ALREADY do all day? Has he EVER even stayed home just one day with the kids while YOU left the house? Been responsible for everything all on his own?
I just can't with this. She is 300 pounds. She has been in rehab. Can I just tell you my 300 pounds FIL just returned from rehab. He had been out of rehab - not even technically home- just out of the door of rehab 106 hours before he was being rolled into an ambulance to go back to the hospital for another fall. Yes, we counted. And he is the ONLY person in his home(SIL/BIL live with him) and he takes every last ounce of their energy - quite literally - their children are grown).
Fedup, I don't have any good advice - except the next time your husband is home for a couple of days I'd get up, wake him up and tell him you are leaving for a couple of days -and he is 100% responsible for everything at home. That you will see him in a couple of days. If he thinks what you are doing is so easy and that adding his mother to the mix should be no problem, that you want him to understand what you really do. And leave. And go to a friend's house or a hotel and don't go back home for a couple of days.
Hon, he has no idea of how hard your job is already. And make no mistake stay at home mom is a job. You just don't get paid in money. And your job in particular is harder than most. I almost never say this- really I don't because it's never my go to. But if he brings her into your home against your express objections, after you have told him you cannot take care of her....that would be it for me.
Because that means he doesn't respect your partnership. He doesn't respect you as an equal party in your home or marriage. He doesn't hear your voice. He is making a decision both in a panic but also without considering his family or the chaos and problems it will cause.
Even with full time health aides - her presence in the home will STILL cause issues. Because she will still be crying out for YOU. She will still be causing disruption in your home. She will still be causing disorder and messing with your routines.
I don't know about your children who have autism, but my youngest is on the spectrum, albeit she is considered very mild, but her routine is key. If there is disruption or interruption to her normal routine or there is a lot of change, that is really when we see a lot of the symptoms that led us to get her assessed. If routine, calm environment, familiarity, are important to them, her moving in will potentially be a huge trigger for them. Does she watch tv 24/7 or is she really loud at all hours of the day or night? Does your husband even know the answers to these questions? How are HER behaviors going to impact not just you or him or your other children but ESPECIALLY your children on the spectrum who quite literally cannot change their reactions and can be very much triggered by her behaviors?
This would be a deal breaker for me. He isn't listening. You are NOT being unreasonable. HE IS!!!!
You cannot take her in. The care she needs is beyond what you can provide.
If her siblings want to run their mouths to you and your husband about how she should not be living in a nursing home, here's what you do.
Go to the store and pick up a box of blank invitation cards. Fill in each one with the following:
You (name of person) have run your mouth about how (MIL's name) is being cared for. Therefore, you are formally invited to take her into your home.
With my blessing I invite you to assume full responsibility for all of her needs in your own good home.
I will at any time of your choosing, have (MIL's name) discharged from the care facility she's currently residing in and have her transported bag and baggage to your home on any day of your choosing.
Please R.S.V.P. by either shutting the hell up, or by taking her in.
Now write out the envelopes, put stamps on them, and drop into a mailbox.
As for your MIL having a problem with people wandering into her room. That's understandable. Have a talk with the facility she's in and if they do nothing about it, move her to a facility where memory care residents are kept separate from medical residents.
I agree with your MIL about the nasty nursing home food too. Personally I would starve to death before I'd eat anything.
Get her a DoorDash card. Set up an account she can use to get take-out food delivered. Make sure she has plenty of menus for restaurants that deliver. They will deliver to a nursing home. Make a folder of them for her.
Put a small dorm-style fridge in her room and stock it up with healthy snacks and drinks.
Get the whole family together and make out a schedule that everyone can agree on of who cooks and delivers meals on what days to your MIL.
There's no reason why she should have to eat gross food.
I think if this gets done it will reduce her constant complaining and will take some of the heat off of you and your husband.
He NEVER saw the 'negative' of this situation. To him, I was a total failure as a DIL. I also refused to bring his father to our place to care for him. I DID drive out to his place 2-3 times a DAY for 5 months to care for him. Did I get ANY positive thank-you's out of DH? No, not one.
His mom is now in In Home Hospice and he and his sibs are doing shifts of 24 hrs on, then 2 days off. It's been 3 weeks and DH is supremely depressed. I was mean enough to say "THIS is exactly why I shut down the 'caring in place' for our parents talk waaay before it became necessary.
She will not improve physically to where she can move herself without assistance. It’s not safe for you to be her sole caregiver.
Your situation would be disastrous if you allowed her to move in. In all honesty, you probably don’t to want her to move in even if your husband didn’t travel.
My mom lived with us and it is life changing for everyone.
I am sorry that your husband isn’t receptive to how you feel about this matter. As frustrating as it is, repeat the same answer when the topic comes up.
You can suggest marriage counseling. Would he listen to an objective assessment of this situation from a therapist experienced in marriage and family situations?
There is no ‘maybe it will or maybe it won’t’ affect it. It ‘definitely will’ affect everything in your life.
There are times where I wish everyone considering drastic changes in their lives could look into a crystal ball or step into a time machine and see exactly what will happen if they follow through with their ideas, hoping that they can pull it off successfully.
No one can pull it off successfully. Even in the best of circumstances, problems will arise. Am I being a Negative Nancy? Nope! Just being completely honest and realistic. I happen to despise toxic positivity Pollyanna types of people. I find them extremely laughable and utterly ridiculous!
How am I so sure about all of this? I was the blind idiot who thought that our family could live together peacefully and harmoniously after my mom moved in with us. Boy, was I wrong! Sometimes I laughed. Sometimes I cry. The song, Tears of a Clown comes to mind.
Maybe it does work out in 1 percent of the cases if the family has full time help. Who wants to spend that kind of money on care at home instead of opting for an entire staff at a facility and continuing to retain everyone’s privacy?
Ask your husband if he would ever consider burdening his children by moving in? Let him think about that for awhile. I will never expect my children to give up their home and life for my care if needed.
Most of us don’t live in mansions where our elderly parents live in a separate wing of our home. Too much togetherness will start to work on everyone’s nerves!
You need to make your point STRONGLY to the UNCLES, Direct, face to face! You see each (or both) of them, say that you will NOT do this. If they continue to pressure DH, and he gives in to them, it will break up your marriage. That will mean that they still have to find a good place for MIL, because YOU won’t be doing it. And it will cause a lot of heartache to DH, his children, and to you. And probably for them too, because they will be forced to face reality and do the work of getting her relocated. They will also be responsible for all the visits after she moves.
If you need to, Shout, Scream and use naughty words. You can’t rely on your husband to stand up to his uncles, so you need to do it yourself. Don’t worry that it won’t go down well for family relations – her moving in will go even worse!
Have courage and good luck!
The house is an exe my pt asset for Medicaid
Have you visited a divorce attorney to see what options are open to you? I am NOT advocating divorce. But you will stand on firmer ground if you are able to say with certainty "if you move her in, THIS is exactly how much this is going to cost you.". It may give him second thoughts
The thing is. The one person who needs to understand that living in your guest room is not an option is your MIL. It would be a difficult conversation and you would have to be blunt, but have you had any opportunity to tell her this directly?
I'd add, talk directly to the Rehab discharge planner too. Tell them your home is not the discharge option.
MIL needs appropriate care after rehab. If that can't be in your home, ensure this is communicated clearly so other suitable arrangements can be found.
And then he's going to travel as usual, leaving you being the sole caregiving slave.
No. And you two have been arguing, and he won't back off his stance that MIL must come to your house?
Great suggestions here already -- visit a divorce attorney, just to see your options.
Make sure to tell the discharge planner that your H is often out of town for work, and that you are not able to take care of MIL. Tell them about your 4 children, 2 of them being autistic. Be adamant, and realize that the NH doesn't care. Also realize that they will promise looking into help -- they won't do it. Once MIL is out of there, they wash their hands of any responsibility towards her. You have the power now to stop this ridiculous move to your house. Use it.
PLEASE keep us updated. We will be your cheerleaders every step of the way, no matter what it takes to keep MIL in the NH and OUT of your house.