Apparently, I’m still unreasonable. Any advice?

Update: So my mother in law was discharged from the nursing home and to our home Last week. Yes I gave in but i wanted my husband to see how bad it was going to be for us. He took off work for 2 weeks to “help” me with her. By the 3rd DAY of helping me roll her over to change her pressure wound, and using the lift machine, cooking meals, the house smelling bad, emptying her poop bag and catheter and helping me bathe her and dealing with our kids, he was over it. He started making phone calls to get her transferred out of here. I called her doctor 2 days ago and told him she was confused and had a fever and he told me to call the EMT’s to pick her up and transport her to the hospital. So now she’s hospitalized with a UTI. My husband immediately talked to some doctors and now she’s being transferred to a long term care hospital that specializes in severe pressure wounds on Friday. She meets the criteria. I knew once he had to help me with her care, he was going to get rid of her. He’s not a hands on person. Not even with our own children smh. Now I’m going to enjoy our last few weeks of summer vacation with my children, instead of being a nursing home. Yay!

You are NOT unreasonable. You are realistic. You have your priorities on order. Spouse and children come first, no doubt about that. No, no, no. Do not let her move in with you. I'm sure she will be in serious need of rehab and a facility is the very best place for that. A rehab facility will work with her numerous times a day and they have experience getting reluctant patients to cooperate. After that, depending on her condition, your hubby and whoever will need to work with the facility to ensure she is next moved to the appropriate level of care - nursing home or assisted living (my mom's offer levels of extra care or a private aid to help).

Tell your husband you are sorry but there is NO way you can take this on. Just no. Even with full-time helpers, having her in your home will be a lot of stress and work and if he's not around to manage it all, then it's not going to happen.

Best of luck.

Your husband is a idiot.

Just like with last summer's vacation, put your foot down.

Tell him if it's so "doable" you'll leave for 2 weeks and leave him with his two person assist mom and the kids. Tell him use his vacation days to do this.

ETA, no, leaving the kids would be a terrible idea, but I'd be curious what his reaction would be to HIM doing all this work that he thinks is so easy.

It is HIS mother, after all. Why on earth does he think his wife should be doing the caregiving?

I'm sorry - I would look the Social Worker at the Nursing Home in the eye and say - "Here is the situation - she must be discharged to a nursing home. It is critical that I be perfectly blunt with you. You do not have the full picture. When she leaves here there is NO plan for her care. At this time, she is an UNSAFE DISCHARGE from your facility. My DH is assuming that she can come live with us, and let me be clear, I am NOT in agreement with that plan. I have a full plate of my own, taking care of OUR 4 children, 2 of whom have Autism. And I will NOT be assuming the responsibility of taking care of his mother. And he CANNOT assume the responsibility of hands on care because he travels 75% of the year. So she cannot be discharged to our home. So, once again, she is considered an unsafe discharge. There is only one option that is safe for her."

And if he pitches a fit, you look him in the eye and you say this "I have tried to discuss this with you in private. You have refused to discuss details or even listen to what I have had to say. So you left me no choice but to lay it all on the table here. I will not be held responsible for your mother's care. I HAVE other responsibilities, and those are my only priorities. I hate that you are unable to see your way clear to understand, but that is not my problem. Your mother is unable to do even the first thing to take care of herself now, and she cannot come to live in our home. Our children need my full attention. And you will not be there to provide her care. There will be no one else to provide it but me, and I cannot possibly give anyone else my time. You need to hear this loud and clear now. We don't have anymore time for you to pretend this is going to work. You cannot fix this for her any other way. You do not have an obligation to physically take care of her, and you are not the one that would be doing it anyway. You are voluntelling ME that I will add your mother to my responsibilities and I am TELLING you now that it will not happen. Let me be perfectly clear. If she comes to our home, the children and I will be leaving our home. And you will STILL have to figure out who will be taking care of your mother. I'm not your free caregiver plan because you don't want to make the hard decisions!"

And then you have to stick by it and not let him bully you into doing this. I'm afraid this is one of those unfortunate times when an ultimatum is called for and it's a hill to die on.

So much for MIL telling you from previous thread that she would never move into your house.

You are doing awesome but use the word NO. It is much stronger and direct than telling him it's not a good idea. Practice in the mirror if you have to. Stay strong and keep saying no.

And please remember that when she was there over christmas it did not go very well because MIL tried to get you to wait on her and acted helpless.

I guess you blocked out all the crap she pulled over Christmas. You might have to reread what you posted about it again to refresh your memory of the nightmare of that visit.

And tell husband to tell his brothers they can always move mom into their house if they want to.

Sorry you are still having to deal with your husband's crap regarding his mother.

"it’s his uncles, her brother’s who want her to move in over here"

The Uncles. Men. Their aim: find a woman to be Mother's servant. Why? Because they have a p3n15 & you don't? Sorry but that just makes me so mad 😡

To your husband;
No.
I said no..
I mean no.

If you want to live with your Mother - go. But that decision will have giant consequences.
You will be moving out.
You will need to rent your own house/apartment.
We will need to sort out our finances to live separately.
This will add so much stress to our marriage it may end it.

My answer would be a firm no with a strong suggestion to attend a marriage councillor with me. Not to change his mind, but for him to HEAR you - coz he is not.

Please follow the wise advice of everyone…..JUST SAY NO! Blue eyed girl said it best for me, as a former stay at home mom, that your plate is full and you are being wildly disrespected. Those men gave NO IDEA how full your plate is already, taking care of your family. Her brothers can walk their talk and handle the caregiving. Anyone but you. I turned blue reading what I did read and was unable to finish, because my anger at the men in your family was blowing my mind. Take care, and know you matter too.

Your MIL being 300 pounds really isn't the issue here. You have made it plain to your husband that his mother is not moving into your house and that you refuse to become her caregiver.
This has already been established.
So whether or not rehab is beneficial to her really is beside the point.
She is not moving into your house under any circumstances.
If your husband wants to get stupid and move her in anyway, that's when you find a divorce lawyer. I hope you've been putting away money for a rainy day because that day might be coming soon.
And when it rains, it pours.
MIL is will not be living with you. If that means you no longer live with your husband, trust me you'll be doing yourself and your kids a favor.
You (the wife) come before the MIL. That is the proper order of things. Do not let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

"...my mother in law is still struggling with pressure sores, a colostomy bag, catheter and she still isn’t mobile and we are very close to a discharge date. We had a meeting today at the nursing home and we were told, either she stays in the nursing home or she goes home with supports in place but my husband wants to set her up in our guest room and not in her own home." 

And then he's going to travel as usual, leaving you being the sole caregiving slave.

No. And you two have been arguing, and he won't back off his stance that MIL must come to your house?

Great suggestions here already -- visit a divorce attorney, just to see your options.

Make sure to tell the discharge planner that your H is often out of town for work, and that you are not able to take care of MIL. Tell them about your 4 children, 2 of them being autistic. Be adamant, and realize that the NH doesn't care. Also realize that they will promise looking into help -- they won't do it. Once MIL is out of there, they wash their hands of any responsibility towards her. You have the power now to stop this ridiculous move to your house. Use it.

PLEASE keep us updated. We will be your cheerleaders every step of the way, no matter what it takes to keep MIL in the NH and OUT of your house.

Time to stand up and say "No" it is a complete sentence, let her move in with one of the brothers or go into AL.

Either you and his children are the priority, or his mother is, it is just that simple.

This will not work and you know it.

Once she is moved in it is too late, she is on a downward spiral, it will only get worse.