Is there anything I can do to help my job understand that I need a flexible schedule?

Good question Jacobsonbob..I assumed since he was caring for them that he had to step in because perhaps no one else would. Unfortunately, one must consider family dynamics. It is unbelievable how fast siblings can disappear in times such as this. I have two older brothers and a younger sister. My sister and I have moved my parents three times - each time without the help from the brothers. This includes selling their home, moving them into assisted living (twice) and then from assisted living to nursing. I am envious of the families that are able to do everything together - sadly our issues didn't come up until all the work did. It's ok. We have no regrets and will continue to do as we have been doing. Heaven knows I have a few feathers to earn back on my angel wings after my teenage years :)

Family dynamics play a huge piece in the caregiving puzzle. There can only be one point of contact and that point of contact keeps the others informed. Unfortunately others always have a better way to do something - I don't do a thing, however, without asking my dad first. As long as he is able to make the decisions he certainly will. My mother, on the other hand, has dementia and can make no decisions.

Our society has not caught up with the fact that people are living to be a lot older and families are smaller and spread out more geographically so burden often falls on one or two people. I hope we will move toward laws that are more understanding of family caregivers.

At your grandparents' age, their needs are going to increase. It might be worthwhile to look at assisted living, adult day care, or other options where they can get supervision by more other people and maybe your responsibilities are managing their care and affairs rather than hands-on work. That is still a full-time job, but it's important that you get enough sleep, keep your job, etc.

Are you losing days from work because of trips to the ER/crises, or because of routine doctors' appointments, exhaustion, etc.? Company loyalty is a good thing. You've worked for the same place a long time; hopefully your employer will work with you. My guess is that if you are able to do specialized work, they'd rather keep you at less hours than lose you altogether.

I'm going to ask a question that's the "elephant in the room" although BarbBrooklyn alluded to it: Is there a generation in between (aka parents) that could be a part of the solution? Are there any siblings or other relatives that could provide some kind of help, whether "hands on" or financial?

It sounds as though you need to re-evaluate a lot of stuff in your life.

1. How do you end up being the one caring for your grandparents?
2. Do they have financial resources they can use to pay for caregivers, sitters, transportation?
3. Are they paying room and board?
4. Will using their financial resources for their care ease any of your work issues?
5. What do you mean when you say that your job doesn't understand? Are they threatening to let you go, or are they just grumpy?
6. I think what you are talking about is FMLA (family medical leave act). It only applies in certain situations and to companies of a certain size. You need to do some research, or perhaps someone on here knows more about the details.

After all the years you have worked with no vacations or days off, by all means see what you can do to now get some of that time back. You, as a caregiver, need to take care of YOU as well so that you can care for your grandparents.

I would highly suggest either looking into some daytime companions to assist them with their daily activities so a) you can sleep and b) so they can not be dependent on you. There are many agencies out there. Check with your local Center on Aging and see what resources they might be able to offer.

Sure, others may have to work a little more because you are not there, but their time will come. Nothing prepares us for all of this. Take it HR and see what options might be available to you. They certainly can't fire you for taking the time you have available but please do look into other resources to help you. Good luck my friend! I feel your pain!

Don't talk about your predicament at work. If you already have, switch gears and zip it.

Since FMLA does not extend to care of grandparents, use your paid time off for necessary elder care. And I mean necessary. (Can you take PTO in hourly increments and/or half days?) And outsource whatever care you can. Basically, what everyone here has already said.

Don't become "that guy" at work. You will be secretly resented, openly resented, or both. It's not fair. But it's reality.

Do not position yourself as the person who gets cut when profits are down and/or they're looking to trim the fat. Or the person who gets poor performance evaluations due to unreliability (real or perceived), attendance issues and such.

In this dog-eat-dog world, your NEED for a reliable income and health insurance and steady contributions to Social Security & 401K will outlive your grandparent's "need" for intervention. (Next up: Your parents will start going down the tubes. But that's a whole different thread.)

I don't mean to sound cold. But it's crucial to be tight-lipped at work, and resourceful outside of work. Just because you are your elders' first choice for this-and-that doesn't mean you are the only choice. What starts out as flattery....or possibly playing to your sense of duty.....can become a trap that creates irreversible damage to your financial, mental and physical health.

Don't let your kind heart distract you from taking care of yourself first. Good luck to you. And keep coming back here for support. This gang is full of ideas you might not have thought of.... 🙂

Thank you all for answering and understanding and just making stuff clear that i was already thinking of and researching. Just that my grandparents are the ones who raised me and i am a cancer so i do hold everything in and put on a "strong" face where i can do everything myself. I don't like to ask for help and expect certain people to step up. I do keep logs of accidents/sickness/proud moments that happen in our household. i let everyone in family know whats going on good and bad. I realized my manager that i've know for 11 years will throw me under the bus and not fight or help me. He's made it clear so now i work my 8hrs take a lunch and if production isn't running i completed my daily duties not going above and beyond for those type of people. i just wanted to make sure i waSN'T THINKING CRAZY.

Black hole you make some good points. Taking care of one's life is priority despite being a caregiver. It is not worth risking everything, believe me.
I operate my own business and caregive at the same time. Last year, I took my first vacation in 15 years! It made me realize how important it is to take care of YOU! As people age things worsen. Get some help and share the load. Seniors centre, local agencies may be able to suggest some options. In the meantime, look after yourself.

How big a company do you work for? Do you belong to a union?

Those you love are more important than the Capitalist wage overseer. Your employers have gotten used to abusing your time and talents. A good mechanic should be able to find a job more suited to his or her needs as they change. Your employers are not entitled to your loyalty. That shoukd go to the people you love.