A new boyfriend is in my mother's life and he is trying to move in. I do not trust him. He has too much influence over her and is trying to take over her house.
LcVivian, I'm with you -- I'd be totally on guard in this situation, especially if your mom has any degree of dementia. Many others on this site will say that she should be allowed her freedom to have this relationship. I think that's naïve. So, has your mom been formally diagnosed with cognitive decline by a doctor? Is this man younger than her? Is he trying to put distance between her and you/your family? If so, red flags everywhere. Unfortunately, financial abuse of the elderly is extremely common (it happened in our family).
If I were in your shoes, here is what I'd do without delay: make sure she has assigned someone other than this stranger durable PoA, especially if she's not been diagnosed with any cognitive decline. Then I would try to help your mom protect her assets, no matter how little. Even the car and house is in danger, but mostly cash and debts that can be run up under someone else's name. Make an appointment with an elder law attorney, one who has experience with estate planning and financial abuse. This will be money well spent. An attorney can help create a trust that may be less vulnerable to access if this guy is a predator. I would create online access to her accounts so they could be monitored. Maybe consider alert services for her credit cards, and if she banks at a small bank, you (as financial PoA) could have a discussion about your concern with this guy preemptively. You can call the cc companies and lower her limits to a very low limit. I would sneak a peak at this guy's license and then do a background check on him.
Am I overreacting? Financial predators are so good at what they do, they will drain a senior before the family can even blink an eye. Then they disappear. Often they get the senior to assign them as PoA and what they do next will be very hard to pursue legally because they were voluntarily given financial (and sometimes durable) PoA. Please read the topic of Financial Abuse on this forum. Do not give your mom the passwords to any of her online accounts. This is the Pandora's Box that you don't want opened.
Next I would do what it takes to accompany her to a physical exam and discretely request the doctor perform a cognitive test. In your profile you say she has decline but you would need to have it in her records to be of use medically and legally. This is not just for your mom's medical sake and future care. It is a legal tool that can be wielded if you suspect this "boyfriend" of financial improprieties. It can be used to negate any other PoA that was created after her official dementia diagnosis. This is ofter a family's only defense.
One last thing: do not start bad-mouthing this guy to your mom in any way. That will convince her further to shut you out. You have to be extremely diplomatic and even employ some "therapeutic fibs" to get her to go the doctor or the attorney.
When I discovered both my in-laws had dementia bad enough so that they could no longer manage their money affairs, I took all their accounts online, removed all sensitive paperwork and put it in a locked fireproof filing case and kept the key. With my phone I discretely took pictures of their drivers licenses, Medicare cards, credit cards, social security cards, insurance cards, prescriptions...everything. I was worried about all the medical and social strangers coming and going who could easily poke around in their private information. It also helped me to manage their affairs when they could no longer remember things.
This may sound overwhelming, but I promise you it will be far more overwhelming if this guy is up to no good. Remember, get an appointment with a good attorney first. An ounce of prevention... I wish you success in helping your mom to protect herself!
My mom at age 75 or so, contacted her high school boyfriend they began dating, every couple of months they would take turns flying to each others cities to visit. Forward about two years he moved to be with her. Initially looked at apartments, but they were together all of the time. So, he moved in with her. Two years later they married, mom was 80, with Alzheimer's.
They had a prenup, not that it would matter to medicaid, thank goodness they were both well situated financially, though he paid for everything after he moved in.
I was happy for mom that she was able to reconnect with a very old friend. They spent the last ten years of their lives together and were very happy to have each other even though mom with dementia did not know who he was much of the time.
Give the relationship a chance, try not to be overly suspicious. But, yes keep an eye open.
The main concern would have been one having to pay medical expense for the other, if they married, to get qualified for medicaid. It never came to that.
I hope you have POA. It would help now. Do u live there? Do you help with bills, rent? Are you caring for her? I would say you have a right to keep this man out of Moms home. Maybe not legally, but I would stand my ground.
If I were in your shoes, here is what I'd do without delay: make sure she has assigned someone other than this stranger durable PoA, especially if she's not been diagnosed with any cognitive decline. Then I would try to help your mom protect her assets, no matter how little. Even the car and house is in danger, but mostly cash and debts that can be run up under someone else's name. Make an appointment with an elder law attorney, one who has experience with estate planning and financial abuse. This will be money well spent. An attorney can help create a trust that may be less vulnerable to access if this guy is a predator. I would create online access to her accounts so they could be monitored. Maybe consider alert services for her credit cards, and if she banks at a small bank, you (as financial PoA) could have a discussion about your concern with this guy preemptively. You can call the cc companies and lower her limits to a very low limit. I would sneak a peak at this guy's license and then do a background check on him.
Am I overreacting? Financial predators are so good at what they do, they will drain a senior before the family can even blink an eye. Then they disappear. Often they get the senior to assign them as PoA and what they do next will be very hard to pursue legally because they were voluntarily given financial (and sometimes durable) PoA. Please read the topic of Financial Abuse on this forum. Do not give your mom the passwords to any of her online accounts. This is the Pandora's Box that you don't want opened.
Next I would do what it takes to accompany her to a physical exam and discretely request the doctor perform a cognitive test. In your profile you say she has decline but you would need to have it in her records to be of use medically and legally. This is not just for your mom's medical sake and future care. It is a legal tool that can be wielded if you suspect this "boyfriend" of financial improprieties. It can be used to negate any other PoA that was created after her official dementia diagnosis. This is ofter a family's only defense.
One last thing: do not start bad-mouthing this guy to your mom in any way. That will convince her further to shut you out. You have to be extremely diplomatic and even employ some "therapeutic fibs" to get her to go the doctor or the attorney.
When I discovered both my in-laws had dementia bad enough so that they could no longer manage their money affairs, I took all their accounts online, removed all sensitive paperwork and put it in a locked fireproof filing case and kept the key. With my phone I discretely took pictures of their drivers licenses, Medicare cards, credit cards, social security cards, insurance cards, prescriptions...everything. I was worried about all the medical and social strangers coming and going who could easily poke around in their private information. It also helped me to manage their affairs when they could no longer remember things.
This may sound overwhelming, but I promise you it will be far more overwhelming if this guy is up to no good. Remember, get an appointment with a good attorney first. An ounce of prevention... I wish you success in helping your mom to protect herself!
They had a prenup, not that it would matter to medicaid, thank goodness they were both well situated financially, though he paid for everything after he moved in.
I was happy for mom that she was able to reconnect with a very old friend. They spent the last ten years of their lives together and were very happy to have each other even though mom with dementia did not know who he was much of the time.
Give the relationship a chance, try not to be overly suspicious. But, yes keep an eye open.
The main concern would have been one having to pay medical expense for the other, if they married, to get qualified for medicaid. It never came to that.