This has easily been the case in my family for years. You’ll find many on the site in the same situation for a myriad of reasons. For me, I’ve found, and it took a good while, that I had to accept that nothing I was going to say or do was going to change anyone else, I could only choose not to be bitter and resentful as it made me a much worse person and didn’t affect those others a bit. It’s perfectly fine to ask for more help, and you should, but should it prove that you aren’t going to get it from family you’ll have to look at other options like professional help. Try to do proactive things to make your situation better, just being angry over the lack of help improves nothing and wears you out. I’ve done way too much of that, now looking at it from a new angle and doing better
I have felt that way many times over the years. Last year I decided to just send a text to my siblings that I was leaving for 2 weeks to go on vacation with my husband that that mom was on their watch. LOL They stepped up. If you do it all, they will let you do it all.
I know there are more women than men who are caregivers so I'm in the minority here, but I can relate too.
I have sister who lives out of state and keeps saying she wishes she could help. So one year I took her up on here offer and my mother stayed with her for December. I figury Christmas time would be a safe time. Boy was I wrong, I was reminded that what's meant to happen will happen and I can only try to do my best.
My mother has not lived with my sister since and prob never will. The "I wish I could help" from my sister are just holllow words to help her feel better but I know the truth.
I have never been married so no kids, its just me and my mom and I've learned a ton about caregiving.
To be honest, yeah I feel like I'm being taken advantage of from my sister, but I know I can provide better care.
The problem is finding time for yourself and taking care of your health. I'm struggling with this a lot and feel more overwhelmed than ever before and my health is going down. I want to throw in the towel and just keep driving away but like most people, but I don't because I care and I'm sure you too.
The only advice I have is to consider yourself lucky if family helps, don't forget to take some time for yourself (and I know that's hard at time). And remember, all we can do is try to do our best.
If there is money in your parents' estate, SPEND IT on caregivers or AL. DO NOT burn yourself out only to have money left behind for your brothers to inherit, especially when they did nothing to help care for her and your caregiving ensured there was money saved for THEM! I know of 2 ladies who did ALL the caregiving of their parents. The parents had 2 big farms, lots of land, 2 houses. After the father, then the mother passed, the will left both farms and houses to the non-helping brothers and left $10,000 to each of the sisters! They could have sold ONE of those farms and paid for caregivers, respite care or AL. So, spend your parents' money on their care (if there is any).
Thanks, I just feel like my life is on hold, and noone even thinks twice about it. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but im giving up my freedom and noone helps.
Roger, watch that you don't get too close to burnout.... especially if your mom's health worsens and things become too much for you. IF you ever have to put her in AL or a NH or better yet, a group home, DO it without guilt and visit her. It can give you two a whole new relationship when you are not the actual caregiver, but a beloved son and guest come to visit her.
I suppose they think as long as you are willing to do it, why should they help? On the other hand, you sound like someone who will just not let your LO go without care because your siblings are too lazy or self centered to help.
Could you have a family conference saying you are happy to do a certain amount of caregiving, but also need every one else to chip in a certain amount? I myself do not have my own family and my brothers do, so they seem fine to let me do it all. I laid down the law with them. I said I do have more time and flexibility than they do, and as such, am happy to do a lions share of the work. But I cannot do it all and I need them to chip in a certain amount. One brother seemed to take that to heart and has done what he can and the other brother seems not to give a rip, so the effort has helped somewhat.
Thank you Karsten, it sounds like my situation. Im the one with no kids at home and not married, also the daughter. It seems daughters are expected to nurture. I plan to take tpyr advice and demand (nicely) help.
Same here, no kids, not married and no one else stepped up to take care of Grandma. So I did.
And now I’m living with her doing full time caregiving and family is far away and unavailable.
My advice is to keep part of your life your own. I work, have a boyfriend and try and have ‘me’ time.
My life has changed dramatically but I’m trying to not dwell on what I’ve lost but what I’ve gained. A close relationship with my grandma that no one else has.
But I still worry I won’t be able to go on vacation for awhile!
I hear you. I, too, felt the same way with my own siblings. I think being the oldest and a people pleaser just made it easy for my siblings to dump everything on me. I know its not easy.
Since my father's passing, I realized how angry and resentful I was about my role and how little they did. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wished I had done things differently. I should have managed my expectations better and sought out more help or looked at different options.
I allowed myself to become burned out, angry, depressed and worst of all indifferent. I feel like I let my dad down in the last year of his life.
Snizzer, please know we are with you. And we hear you. Thinking of you.
I have sister who lives out of state and keeps saying she wishes she could help. So one year I took her up on here offer and my mother stayed with her for December. I figury Christmas time would be a safe time. Boy was I wrong, I was reminded that what's meant to happen will happen and I can only try to do my best.
My mother has not lived with my sister since and prob never will. The "I wish I could help" from my sister are just holllow words to help her feel better but I know the truth.
I have never been married so no kids, its just me and my mom and I've learned a ton about caregiving.
To be honest, yeah I feel like I'm being taken advantage of from my sister, but I know I can provide better care.
The problem is finding time for yourself and taking care of your health. I'm struggling with this a lot and feel more overwhelmed than ever before and my health is going down. I want to throw in the towel and just keep driving away but like most people, but I don't because I care and I'm sure you too.
The only advice I have is to consider yourself lucky if family helps, don't forget to take some time for yourself (and I know that's hard at time). And remember, all we can do is try to do our best.
Could you have a family conference saying you are happy to do a certain amount of caregiving, but also need every one else to chip in a certain amount? I myself do not have my own family and my brothers do, so they seem fine to let me do it all. I laid down the law with them. I said I do have more time and flexibility than they do, and as such, am happy to do a lions share of the work. But I cannot do it all and I need them to chip in a certain amount. One brother seemed to take that to heart and has done what he can and the other brother seems not to give a rip, so the effort has helped somewhat.
And now I’m living with her doing full time caregiving and family is far away and unavailable.
My advice is to keep part of your life your own. I work, have a boyfriend and try and have ‘me’ time.
My life has changed dramatically but I’m trying to not dwell on what I’ve lost but what I’ve gained. A close relationship with my grandma that no one else has.
But I still worry I won’t be able to go on vacation for awhile!
I hear you. I, too, felt the same way with my own siblings. I think being the oldest and a people pleaser just made it easy for my siblings to dump everything on me. I know its not easy.
Since my father's passing, I realized how angry and resentful I was about my role and how little they did. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wished I had done things differently. I should have managed my expectations better and sought out more help or looked at different options.
I allowed myself to become burned out, angry, depressed and worst of all indifferent. I feel like I let my dad down in the last year of his life.
Snizzer, please know we are with you. And we hear you. Thinking of you.
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