Your husband is his parents' POA. He (and you?) plan to move closer to parents in the next year to help his parents "age in place".
Parents currently reject the idea of hired help, Assisted Living. They are critical of their child (BIL) when he helps and also don't want SIL tossing outdated food.
Nephew (possibly a bit disabled/emotionally immature/disturbed/autistic) gets on your nerves.
Advice? Ignore nephew. Do not engage with him when/if he stirs the pot. Hard to do, but really the only logical path.
Do not move in with parents, nor move them in with you.
As long as they are competent, they get to make their own bad choices. Your husband can decide how much and what kind of "help" he can/will offer. Keep in mind that their bad choices don't mean you all "have" to do anything.
If FIL makes a mess and MIL complains, the response needs to be "who can we hire next time to make sure that doesn't happen", not "I'll be by right over to sort that out.".
Why would you visit them at all? We never have to be with family members we don’t like. Set up a Zoom visit. Tell them you’ve decided to stay home because there’s way too much sickness out there. (True.) Make plans to be with other people during the holidays.
If you’re doing this visit to please your spouse, rethink it. A spouse who really cares about you wouldn’t subject you to people that awful.
I am assuming because your profile says your Mom has passed, these are your husband's parents? Can I assume too that this is an overseas trip so the need for 3 weeks, to make spending the money worthwhile?
I have found the older I have gotten the more I like staying in a hotel and just visiting. Is that possible. Do all these people live together? Then I definitely will stay in hotel.
Unless you or someone close to you has ADHD it can be hard to realise the effects this can have. How it can change an expexted tradjectory of study, work & adult life. A person has their struggles - then on top must deal with other's judemental attitudes they are badly behaved, lazy or immature.
I am so very lucky my own siblings & inlaws have accepted my children. Not always understood & never given free passes to behave badly, but accepted their differences.
I too have been so very lucky to have met accepting people & for modern technology, as spellcheck corrects all my dyslexic spelling errors!
Honestly, if you really dislike visiting these peiple so much. Don't go.
Struggling with getting along with difficult people is a normal human situation. Seeking advice for that & sharing tips with others can be very helpful.
However listing reams of other people's faults is not helpful on it's own.
In fact, putting others down to build ourself up is always something to be aware of - to catch ourselves at & avoid.
The posts & comments here have a flavour of anger all through. Maybe look & ask yourself - are you angry? Angry at your in-laws? If so, why?
Pjdela, Thank you for your responses below to OUR responses. More information helps. In your responses you basically tell us that currently BIL and SIL are helping your husband's family, and that they already have problems, among them a problematic son. And you tell us things are becoming all too much for them.
You then tell us that you and hubby are considering moving because you "want to move anyway" near to them, and are considering "helping them" but that you have issues with a whole lot of problems there, and with the 28 year old son who lives with BIL and SIL.
So given what you added, my advice is the same. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Stay out of it. And if you are planning a move, make it in the other direction. I fail to see just what would be helped by your moving into this problem when you already know that longeivity is to live to 100 for these folks. You already know you disagree with BIL and SIL in general, even as to how they handle their son (again, that's just their business). Can you imagine you will agree on how they handle the parents?
If this is truly how you want to spend your retirement, by jumping into this frying pan, I would do it with realistic expectations. And realistically I think that you would be adding only more problems to what is already fairly chaotic sounding. Just my guess.
As I always tell folks here, we are all grownups. We have now to make our own choices for what is best for our own families and ourselves. I can only wish you the very best of luck no matter what you try. To me, everything about this situation just SHOUTS "stay away". That's just me. I can only advise you as I feel. I hope it goes well for you if you assume any part of this burden.
I think Hothouse gave an appropriate response earlier in the thread when she said that she would ‘become sick’ in order not to visit their home.
Honestly, your in laws sound dreadful. My MIL was a wonderful woman. Her mother was a witch! She was so awful that everyone stopped visiting her.
Sadly, my husband’s grandmother died completely alone. She drove everyone away except her caregivers.
I think the only reason the caregivers didn’t leave was because my mother in law used her mother’s money to pay the caregivers a lot more money than the going rate.
Stay home and let your husband deal with his dysfunctional family. Best wishes to you.
My grandson has ADHD and does not act like this spoiled brat. Don't use ADHD as an excuse for this nephews rudeness. Has nothing to do with being able to hold down a job. My grandson just turned 30. He has worked since he graduated from High School in warehousing. He lives on his own, has a car and pays his bills. There is medication for ADAD. There are classes in how to deal with certain aspects. One problem is the ability to concentrate, this is where the meds come in. My nephew has been medicated for it. Impulse is a problem, but no one I know who suffers from it is rude. Your husbands nephew is spoiled.
The tip, I would not have given this waiter a good tip either. When FIL asked for help, because of his hearing, I would have taken the check and figured the tip out for him. (15% is actually a decent tip. I may have given him less)
The SIL is not responsible to look in on her husbands Aunt. Seems she has enough on her plate. Your BIL should do it for his parents.
DH is POA and he needs to understand what this entails. He is not "in charge" until his parents are incompetent. He can help when asked. But its a tool not a control. You are going to need to discuss how to handle the nephew. Again ADHD is not an excuse when ur an adult. You may just need to learn how to ignore him. Look up "gray rock" method it may be something you can use. Seems he doesn't know how to show respect. You just walk away. You do not argue with people like this.
Caring for husbands parents will take a chunk out of your life. Never move in together. If they have money, hire the aides, the lawn guy. Take advantage of resources out there. Being POA does not mean you do the hands on caring. BIL can help too. If in-laws need hands on care, that means an AL, MC or LTC. Not you doing it all. Have this all worked out before ur move. Your marriage comes first.
Lots of time the families will tell people there is one problem when the real problem is something they don't want to talk about. A woman with decades of experience told our Family to Family class "never say schizophrenia, say bipolar".
This probably isn’t helpful, but anecdotally I want to share that a bunch of friends and I did our own informal poll, and agreed across the board on the 3 night/ 4 day family visit limit. As in, all of us could go as far as 3 nights and 4 days with family, and that would go well enough, but by the 4th night we’d feel crazy!! Didn’t matter if the family dynamics were all right, either. We’d all hit the wall.
So three weeks - definitely no! Save your sanity.
I also have a blazing case of ADHD ( it’s the family hereditary ‘gift’ lol ) and can attest there’s absolutely zero excuse to use that to justify being a jerk, or to foist adhd problems onto other people to solve. And nowadays there’s so much more information and tools available for adhd. Everyone has SOMETHING, it’s up to us individuals to make a best effort dealing with the hand we’ve been dealt. I’d recommend avoiding that nephew entirely.
Thankyou. ADHD is being used as an excuse. It can hinder without meds. My grandson became impulsive and was hard to concentrate but we never used it as an excuse. He went on meds and he saw a difference.
Spend 3 weeks staying home and relaxing, go to some movies, catch up on things.
Life is too short for such torture.
I am a blunt type of person, get right to the point. I would be honest and say, "I cannot take all the drama" or whatever the reason may be.
Possibly do a week but that would be about it.
Good Luck!
Your husband is his parents' POA. He (and you?) plan to move closer to parents in the next year to help his parents "age in place".
Parents currently reject the idea of hired help, Assisted Living. They are critical of their child (BIL) when he helps and also don't want SIL tossing outdated food.
Nephew (possibly a bit disabled/emotionally immature/disturbed/autistic) gets on your nerves.
Advice? Ignore nephew. Do not engage with him when/if he stirs the pot. Hard to do, but really the only logical path.
Do not move in with parents, nor move them in with you.
As long as they are competent, they get to make their own bad choices. Your husband can decide how much and what kind of "help" he can/will offer. Keep in mind that their bad choices don't mean you all "have" to do anything.
If FIL makes a mess and MIL complains, the response needs to be "who can we hire next time to make sure that doesn't happen", not "I'll be by right over to sort that out.".
Read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud.
If you’re doing this visit to please your spouse, rethink it. A spouse who really cares about you wouldn’t subject you to people that awful.
I have found the older I have gotten the more I like staying in a hotel and just visiting. Is that possible. Do all these people live together? Then I definitely will stay in hotel.
Unless you or someone close to you has ADHD it can be hard to realise the effects this can have. How it can change an expexted tradjectory of study, work & adult life. A person has their struggles - then on top must deal with other's judemental attitudes they are badly behaved, lazy or immature.
I am so very lucky my own siblings & inlaws have accepted my children. Not always understood & never given free passes to behave badly, but accepted their differences.
I too have been so very lucky to have met accepting people & for modern technology, as spellcheck corrects all my dyslexic spelling errors!
Honestly, if you really dislike visiting these peiple so much. Don't go.
Struggling with getting along with difficult people is a normal human situation. Seeking advice for that & sharing tips with others can be very helpful.
However listing reams of other people's faults is not helpful on it's own.
In fact, putting others down to build ourself up is always something to be aware of - to catch ourselves at & avoid.
The posts & comments here have a flavour of anger all through. Maybe look & ask yourself - are you angry? Angry at your in-laws? If so, why?
Thank you for your responses below to OUR responses. More information helps.
In your responses you basically tell us that currently BIL and SIL are helping your husband's family, and that they already have problems, among them a problematic son. And you tell us things are becoming all too much for them.
You then tell us that you and hubby are considering moving because you "want to move anyway" near to them, and are considering "helping them" but that you have issues with a whole lot of problems there, and with the 28 year old son who lives with BIL and SIL.
So given what you added, my advice is the same. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Stay out of it. And if you are planning a move, make it in the other direction.
I fail to see just what would be helped by your moving into this problem when you already know that longeivity is to live to 100 for these folks. You already know you disagree with BIL and SIL in general, even as to how they handle their son (again, that's just their business). Can you imagine you will agree on how they handle the parents?
If this is truly how you want to spend your retirement, by jumping into this frying pan, I would do it with realistic expectations.
And realistically I think that you would be adding only more problems to what is already fairly chaotic sounding. Just my guess.
As I always tell folks here, we are all grownups. We have now to make our own choices for what is best for our own families and ourselves. I can only wish you the very best of luck no matter what you try. To me, everything about this situation just SHOUTS "stay away". That's just me. I can only advise you as I feel. I hope it goes well for you if you assume any part of this burden.
Honestly, your in laws sound dreadful. My MIL was a wonderful woman. Her mother was a witch! She was so awful that everyone stopped visiting her.
Sadly, my husband’s grandmother died completely alone. She drove everyone away except her caregivers.
I think the only reason the caregivers didn’t leave was because my mother in law used her mother’s money to pay the caregivers a lot more money than the going rate.
Stay home and let your husband deal with his dysfunctional family. Best wishes to you.
The tip, I would not have given this waiter a good tip either. When FIL asked for help, because of his hearing, I would have taken the check and figured the tip out for him. (15% is actually a decent tip. I may have given him less)
The SIL is not responsible to look in on her husbands Aunt. Seems she has enough on her plate. Your BIL should do it for his parents.
DH is POA and he needs to understand what this entails. He is not "in charge" until his parents are incompetent. He can help when asked. But its a tool not a control. You are going to need to discuss how to handle the nephew. Again ADHD is not an excuse when ur an adult. You may just need to learn how to ignore him. Look up "gray rock" method it may be something you can use. Seems he doesn't know how to show respect. You just walk away. You do not argue with people like this.
Caring for husbands parents will take a chunk out of your life. Never move in together. If they have money, hire the aides, the lawn guy. Take advantage of resources out there. Being POA does not mean you do the hands on caring. BIL can help too. If in-laws need hands on care, that means an AL, MC or LTC. Not you doing it all. Have this all worked out before ur move. Your marriage comes first.
So three weeks - definitely no! Save your sanity.
I also have a blazing case of ADHD ( it’s the family hereditary ‘gift’ lol ) and can attest there’s absolutely zero excuse to use that to justify being a jerk, or to foist adhd problems onto other people to solve. And nowadays there’s so much more information and tools available for adhd. Everyone has SOMETHING, it’s up to us individuals to make a best effort dealing with the hand we’ve been dealt. I’d recommend avoiding that nephew entirely.
Wishing you well…