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I'm not sure if i can live with this guilt. Someone talk to me please?

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Of course we have lost our temper! We love them but they can be maddening.

What you want to do, rather than wallow in guilt, is to figure out just why you lost it. Did they make a comment that hit a sore spot? Were you already feeling bad? You have to try to find a way to react better, but it's not easy.

It is very hard to apologize, but you can do it. With luck, they might even forget what happened.

If you come close to physical action, just leave the house for a few minutes. You really don't want that on your conscioence.
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ande - sorry that your mum has passed and that you are left with some regrets. I think most of us have some regrets when a person passes. I call them the if only's and what if's. If only I had or had not done this or that...

You wrote that you heard your mum call your name. Whatever you did or didn't do I think she loves you and knows that you love her. None of us is perfect.

Please don't beat yourself up. Regrets are very much part of grieving the loss of a loved one. When you are ready you may want to find a grief group. I think most communities have them and they can be very helpful.

Hope things work out for you now. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Ande you are definately not alone. We all are only human and have ups and downs, especially in stressful situations like being a caregiver. Your mother knew you loved her. I believe that she was letting you know she was ok by you hearing her call your name. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and eventually you will forgive yourself for being human. Grief is a process so if you feel comfortable sharing you might check into a grief group.
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everybody loses it sometimes in the face of such insanity. i told my mom once that i was a contractor with a broken truck, up to my elbows in head bolts and broken manifold studs and if i ever heard about her buick recall again id cram the car in a dumpster and burn it. idda actually done it'show pissed i was.
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Wow, I have lost it and yelled at my Mom before,and felt terrible about it... But what do you do???? You are human, thrust into a horrible situation, and react.
The words hurt me a lot more than her, she had forgotten it 2 mins later.
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Your guilt may be a way of delaying grief. How were you mean, was it a constant, one time or many? Was there a reason, or you just weren't a perfect person? Forgive yourself, if you can't, seek help from a therapist. We all lose it. Just this morning I made my Dad feel like a fool. I have a migraine but it is no excuse. My words were mean and unkind. Do I feel guilty, no. I feel like an idiot, but I will forgive myself, strive to do better, and bend over backwards to give Dad a good day.

I am sorry you lost your Mom. You were there for her. That is what matters. Depression is genetic. Could this be depression?
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Andebrum, confession is good for the soul. Tell us the details of one time when you were mean. When you keep it inside, you can't tell how big it is. We will help you see it as a bit of human weakness, not an act of evil.
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You lost your temper.....so what? that is a good thing.....you just blew off some steam. care giving is torture.....we all deserve to explode.....the torture builds up and up........it's a wonder we don't all lose our minds with the crap we have to endure.....so again, losing your temper is just a normal common reaction.
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Did your mother ever yell at you? Nothing to be guilty of here. I am sure she forgave you if she even registered that you were aggravated. No one has the patience of a saint. Remember the happy times and forget the rest. You did a good job and it is never easy
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I am caregiver to a drama queen - may sound harsh but it is true, so there are lost tempers on both sides. I have found that I have to be assertive in my family, and it's sad that I have to blow my top to get the point across but sometimes I have to. I am trying to learn to count to ten like my grandma did - but it's hard when you are the one who is held accountable for everything that happens
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Liked your answer LivingSouth. You said it in a nutshell - it's hard when you are the one who is held accountable for everything that happens.

I resemble that comment. :)
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LivingSouth, My mother, an Alabama girl BTW, learned to throw fake tantrums to bring my father to his senses. He actually liked it, and would calm right down.

Communicate in a language that they understand.
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Windytown, I always felt more like a manager than anything else when growing up. And Jinx, she will not throw a tantrum around my father because she was always afraid he would walk out - in fact she once 'blessed me out' because he did not take her out to eat! ( It was 'all my fault' you see)
Hugs to you both!
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We are human! Yes we lose our temper... nothing to feel bad about. I'm a private caregiver so I lose my temper when I get home. But it's normal..
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Mom has passed so all you can do at this time is honor her memory, by telling the others in your life that you love them. Some people and some families scream at each other, yet they know they love each other. You cared for her, so she knew you loved her.
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I was really very harsh to mom one evening. My sister was present. She agreed that that was the only way to reach mom. She was talking my private life of years ago to others. And while she is not talking to me, and telling that I am not her daughter. I could have got a stroke, so angry I yelled at her. She got so scared, she never said anything about me again.
This disease is satanic: causing a used-to-be-loving mother to act with hatred toward her child.
Sometimes before you know it you blow up or out. I have no regrets for that one time. I do regret that sometimes I argue with her when she is adamant about silly things that are not true. So what, nobody will suffer from it. She is always hiding her stuff. Then she is looking all over her room for them, and blames the "people who are in the other bedroom"???????. Only she and I live in the house. Please forgive yourself Andebrum. Yes, tell your incidence privately to someone here or however will give you solace. Accept my hugs.
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I understand. I can't do it anymore. My mother will not walk, will not even get her own bowl of ice cream, cannot figure how to turn on the tv. I feel like a servant and I just broke. I am on the verge of a breakdown from the depression. I made her get her own dinner for the first time in 2 years. She doesn't give a hoot about my or my husbands lives - just hers. I really am at my wits end and I have no place to go. Don't feel bad about losing your temper - it's still a sign that you have fight left in you.
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I've been thinking that I am a terrible person. My 94 year old Mom is really getting to me lately. I've moved with her to take care of her and it's maddening to say the least. She's anxious about everything. If I leave something on the dining room table, she gets so upset, it's unbelievable. All she ever does is talk about ending everything. She just wishes she were gone already. I'm under so much stress, that I lash out sometimes, and am really nasty to her. I've always had a good relationship with her until these last few years. I am really loosing it lately. I don't have my own life anymore. I'm trying to hang in there, as everyone tells me ( they have no idea what it's like). I guess I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one. I know that I will feel guilty when she is gone, but I hope it doesn't consume me.
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Losing one's temper is not a fatal condition. Your temper can always be found again, and used in a more beneficial manner tempered with saintly patience to express what is often 'justified anger'.
Or, just let it out in smaller, less toxic increments, because none of us are saints.
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Any caregiver has lost their temper. If they say they haven't, they're lying. Momcare, I don't know how you do it. My mom is 96 and going strong. Today at pickleball, I was talking with a friend and one of the other players has a mom who is 103. If my mom lives that long, I don't know if I can take it (or survive it) - and she doesn't even live with me!

Since your mom does live with you (or vice versa), you need to think about alternatives if you do get to the stage where you can't take it any more. If you get to that point, you're not a bad person...you tried. And that's all any of us can do.
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Thanks guys for your support. I guess we are all a very special breed. The sun is out today and things are ok for now. Don't know what the hours ahead will bring, but as I say sometimes, " All these crazy feelings I am having, make me know I'm alive!" I will continue to come on this website to help me feel better!
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I'm new here and I haven't read all the answers yet buut I lose my temper with mom pretty much every day. and it's getting worse and worse, as mom goes more and more downhill. She does not have Alzheimer's or dementia (so far thank god) and I feel bad for those who have to deal with that. But I can't take it when she leans on everything as she walks (from someone who used to walk everywhere to save bus tickets) and her sleep pattern is completely messed up, and I have to call her 4 and 5 times to eat breakfast and I am terrified that one day I will find her dead. I can't handle the twice-daily ritual of pill sorting -- it's like a drug addiction. I thought I was raised better than that. And when she goes to the doctor she tells the "Oh i'm fine there's nothing wrong with me, more pills pleae." Yesterday I sat in her clinic surrounded by screaming kids for THREE HOURS after being assured that she never waits longer than 5 minutes. I nearly murdered a couple of those brats.

I am an only child. Never married, always lived here with Mom (and with Nana when she was alive). Closest family lives in another province, hundreds of miles away, and we don't hear from them from one year to the enxt. the majority of my acquaintances (I have very few people I can truly call my friends) are extremely unsympathetic and encourage me to move out on my own. Never mind that I haven't had a full time job since 2012 and no job at all since June 2015. (One career counsellor refused to help me till I move out of the house.) Older people (e.g. people from our former church) tell me, "it's so nice you live with your mother and take care of her. those ones who move out and have their own life, they don't love their mother like you do."

Mom plans to live till 90! So I have another 10 years to endure this. I can't put mom in a home -- then she will have the pleasure of strangers yelling at her in French and being stuk in diapers. I am nnot only at the end of my rope but I have already tied it around my neck and looking to kick the chair.
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Wow. rwarren69 that last line sounds like something I scream out in my garage quite often. I wish there was something I could say that would make it all better, but there isn't. We just have to hang on for dear life and hope that we won't feel too guilty when it's all over. I often wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, as they say; would our Mom's feel the same way if they were younger and taking care of us as parents? I think we all feel the same way and we are almost in a club. We are the stressed out children that are taking a bold step to be there for our parent(s). Let's hope that someone will be there for us when we are in that situation. Hang on, God Bless
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warren welcome to the site. This is a community of very caring people who really do care about each other and are genuinely concerned if someone does not post for a while. Everyone will understand the feelings of desperation that you have and offer different suggestions to help you get through the hard times ahead.
You are one of the younger contributors so potentially have many good years ahead.
attorney in
From the way you describe your mother's behavior she does have some degree of dementia going on and it may be helpful to have her evaluated. Do you have things like Health Care Proxy and Power of Attorney in place for both health and financial.
These need to be done ASAP before she looses her competence to sign An eldercare attorney will advise.
Everyone looses their temper from time to time to some degree or another. Try and just take it in stride and move on. You know the triggers so try and anticipate things that may set you up.
As far as the pill circus is concerned can you persuade Mum to hand them over then you can set up a weekly pill box and the bottles are stored somewhere she can't get at them.
Moving out is probably not an easy option for you because Mum is going to need an increasing amount of care and there appears to be no one else and you are reluctant to have her spend her final time speaking French.
Don't know if this has been helpful or not but please keep wring and sharing and lots of people will have ideas.
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If you did not lose your temper once in a while, or even often, I would wonder about your mental health!! Of course, we all have lost our tempers. Please, no guilt. We are very limited,fragile human beings; so easily hurt, especially by parents. We look for their approval constantly. When it is not possible for the patient to be 'approving' anymore, we have to move on. This parent is now a patient.Distance yourself emotionally. Try to see the whole picture...not just all the 'bad'.Please forgive yourself for being human.:)
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I always say if you are going to beat yourself up, use a feather not a hammer..
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Hi folks, I am very sorry that my first post on your forum was such an explosion of negativity and selfishmess (sic). I didn't find an "introduce yourself" section so I added a bit to the About Me on my public profile, and elaborate more about mom here. And I will touch on what the responders so far have said.

Yes the shoe has been on the other foot. My grandmother was born with one kidney, which was not discovered till she was 85 and she died of kidney failure. (I was 17 when Nana died.) Mom has two kidneys -- but they are shutting down too. She is diabetic (type 2), high blood pressure (not as high as Nana's was), cataracts forming(so did Nana), has excess blood platelets, and takes a variety of prescription pills: before meals, after meals, at specific times of the day. She has a glucose meter but the readings have no bearing on her dosage. She sorts out her own pills, peering at the bottles over and over. Those pill organizer things don't help -- they go in empty pill bottles based o n the time of day. And if I am left to do it, I want to flush them all away. Several times a month, there are more pills to fetch from the drugstore, which have to be meticulously counted to be sure we get all the pills expected.

Perhaps I was sheltered from some of what Mom went through with Nana, because I was in school most of the day. But Nana went from someone who went out regularly to Eastern Star meetings, shopping, visiting friends, etc. to wetting the floor and chairs, in and out of the hospital, sitting in her bedroom staring out the window, sleeping in front of the overly loud TV for hours.

And now I see the same things happening to my mom. A woman who was a single parent, working at home before either became mainstream. Someone who walked a lot (not like exercise, just as a means of getting places). Someone I could talk to and do things with, since my social life is less than ideal. Someone who thought a great deal of her little girl even though I seem to mess up everything I do.

the pill parade (including the unusually precise schedule) started when Mom was hospitalized 14 years ago. I had what appeared to be cold/flu and passed it on to mom. We finally went to the clinic, I got a handful of pills and a pat on the head, while Mom was kidnapped for 11 days because her heart rate was extremely high. When she was moved out of one area of the hospital to another, "It's none of your business where she is and what we;re doing to her." Apparently she was weeks away from a stroke. The medicine she was given triggered diabetes, and there were pills to counter side effects of the other pills. We were both harassed by her priest and members of the church, and I was also harassed by her ex-husband, while dealing with my own illness, the day to day of the household, and looking for a job, thinking I would not be bringing mom home. (Following that episode we both had wills drawn up, and power of attorney to each other at the banks.)

I made it through that. I made it through her two broken wrists 6 years ago, following a fall on ice because I encouraged her to go out. Both hands bandaged up like the Sponge Towel guy, no fingers, only one thumb, and no ability to close the hands. I had to feed her, dress her, wipe her bum, etc etc etc. I had a job then -- I still donèt think my boss believes me about mom, even with photo proof. When i went to a dinner group after a month of declining all social outings, mom sat and cried all night. I did successfully lobby to postpone a colonoscopy during this time.

I dealt with that ok. But now I donèt know how to deal with things anymore. She dreads the idea of going out -- any weather. To go down 4 inside stairs to the front door she claims is too painful. I found her a seniorès group in the English part of town, with stuff to do, and she wants *me* to go to the activities not her. She wonèt have anyone over to visit -- and frankly after many rude remarks from kids growing up about our less than stylish (and now rather messy) house, I donèt either.

I also have an extremely low opinion of the medical profession, based on what I have experienced for myself as well as for Mom and Nana. I don't want to go into my personal health on this post, but if I go to a doctor for myself I get brushed off and told "it's all in your head, go see a shrink." (That is verbatim from the long-term family doctor.) or I get poked and prodded and tested and retested for 6 months, only to be told "There is nothing wrong with you" even though the symptoms remain. I refuse to take any prescription written solely for the kickback to the doctor, heedless of the long-term side effects. My body, my temple. and if you are taking pills for years and years, with no discernible improvement in health, but insisting they are still necessary, sorry I call that a drug addiction. (Please I donèt want to get into a debate about Big Pharma.)

So this is what I have to live with. thank you for putting up with such a long post.
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Oh and one last thought before bedtime: when I see how Nana's health failed, and now Mom's, I think: This is what I have to look forward to. Plus there is a risk of cancer for me (my father and aunt, Mom's sister, both now passed on).
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My Mom passed in May of last year. I felt sometimes that I was not so much mean but impatient with her. But it was born of frustration because I cared so much about her and I was worried about her. I felt helpless because I couldn't change things to where she was able bodied and sound of mind and my helplessness showed itself in impatience.

I wish I could go back and change the times where I wasn't as nice as I could of been but I can't and to continue to beat myself up about it is pointless and self-defeating. I know if my Mom were alive today she would probably say "When were you ever impatient?" I think as caregivers and former caregivers we have to give
ourselves as much slack as we would someone else. Caregiving isn't easy and its only natural to lose it once in a while.
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My mother is still alive, I was her caregiver for many years and there were times she was very demanding and I was inpatient it happens we always said sorry after if we had a disagreement and I would cry feeling guilty and we would hug. even to this day now that she is in a home I still ask her for forgiveness she says its okay family's sometimes have disagreements. Forgive yourself let go, or it will eat you up inside! Your Mom wouldn't want that don't beat yourself up over it!
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