Follow
Share

My mom moved in with my wife and I a couple months back due to triple negative breast cancer and she is driving us insane. She is cynical, pessimistic and difficult to deal with. We have tried to be nice, firm, straightforward but noting works. My wife is fed up. This $hit is hard.

It will never work. She needs to move out, and it's probably up to you to make that happen. Rule #1: Her money pays for her care. You and wife do not pay for her care. You've done enough.

Follow me for more mean sick elder relatives relationship tips.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
True!
(0)
Report
Was she always this way or do you think her diagnosis/prognosis is causing her to act out or be depressed? How old is she? Does she have dementia? I think the answer to these questions will determine what you do.

Does she have enough money to live on her own and hire aids?

If not, you can connect her with social services for her county. Maybe she's a candidate for Medicaid.

Are you her PoA? If so, I hope it's durable. Does she have an Advance Healthcare Directive? She can create a very detailed one with her oncologist.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Geaton777
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
She’s always been cynical and difficult but it’s different when you’re at a distance, lol. She has several other health problems. Cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. Her state of mind is solid enough to know what she’s doing. I am her POA.
(1)
Report
Nice of you to try to give mom a place to live. Unfortunately it’s proven not to work. Your marriage and home life take priority here, or you’ll lose them. Time for an honest talk with mom on her next living options
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
You’re absolutely right. Thanks for your reply.
(1)
Report
Sit down with mom ...just you, not your wife.
Tell her point blank how her moving in is effecting you.
Tell her mom I want to make sure you are safe and have help when you need it so you and I will go look at some Assisted Living apartments. (don't call them a "facility" or a "home" the word apartment has a better feeling to it)
Maybe your mom really just wants to be back in "her" house. I get it. I would probably have a lot of mixed emotions having to move from MY home into someone else's home.


Does mom need help on a daily basis? If so Assisted living would be good
If she needs occasional help is it possible for her to return to her home and have a caregiver come in to help her when she needs it?
As her care needs increase she may either need full time help at home or she may need the constant care that she would get in a Skilled Nursing facility (again do not use the term "nursing home")
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
She needs some help but she’s actually doing pretty good. The last round of Chemo is August 27th and then radiation. After that she’s needing to go. Thanks for your reply.
(2)
Report
If mom is undergoing treatments, the only viable way to have her stay with you is for the treatment period only. Then she leaves. My son took his father, my ex, in when he had stage 4 colon cancer and was undergoing about a year of chemo. Once the treatments ended, he moved out and went back home. They all had the understanding in place all along. Because my ex can drive anyone insane when he's well, never mind when he's sick from chemo and has an audience! Even with an end in sight, my DIL nearly had a nervous breakdown waiting on him hand and foot. Plus he was paying them to stay there. It was way too intolerable.

So. Imo there needs to be an end in sight for your mom's stay with you. If she's not being treated, she may need to go to Skilled Nursing for 24/7 care and hospice until she passes, Idk the details. But you cannot have her ruin your marriage by staying in your home for the duration.

Best of luck finding another living arrangement for mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
Thanks, I’m going to tell her she has to go. In a more polite manner though, lol.
(2)
Report
Time to tell mom that you tried but it's just not working anymore and that she has to find somewhere else to go on her dime of course.
If money is an object then she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
Even though your mom has cancer your marriage and your wife MUST come first. Period, end of sentence.
Mom must go.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
For sure!!! Thanks
(1)
Report
She needs to move out. Does she have a home to move back to? Or did she sell her home to move in with you? You are actually in a good spot compared to the many people who post here whose spouse insists that the obnoxious parent-in-law stay, against the spouse's wishes. You may need to be the "bad guy" and take the blame somewhat. But both of you need to, and can, just do it.

You and your wife can help by laying the groundwork for whatever your MIL's needs might be. Gather brochures from assisted living if that's a possibility. And/or brochures from in-home caregiving agencies. Get information on senior transport services or set her up with the Uber and Lyft apps. Find out about how to sign up for Meals on Wheels if that would help. Whatever will help so that you can't validly be accused of abandoning her (although she may still claim that, but at least you can say that the accusations are false).
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MG8522
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
She doesn’t have a home anymore. She can afford her own place or assisted living so we’re going to have to talk about the best options. Thanks for your advice.
(1)
Report
Get her out.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to SnoopyLove
Report
Keepthepeace55 15 hours ago
That’s the plan. Thanks
(0)
Report
Does she have a care/case manager?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Beedevil66
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter