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Today my father accused my husband of stealing his stimulus check because it’s not in his bank account (yet). Of course my husband does not have access to his account. For some reason he always blames my husband and not me. Does anyone know why? Is there anything that can be done? Perhaps it’s just random. I feel bad. I would rather he blame me since he’s my father so I can deal with it.

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There are many adult children on this forum who ARE the object of their parents' daily ire and accusations -- and mostly they don't handle it any better. You won't be able to change your father's focus. That's only the beginning of understanding the loss of control (by everyone) when it comes to dementia. You don't control it.

I 100% agree with Stacy0122 that your marriage (ie husband) have priority over caring for your father in your home. You're at only the beginning of how bad it can get every hour of every day. Your DH did not sign up for this when he married you. And no one can ever know what they are signing up for when they agree to move an elder LO into their home. They usually have a naive, romanticized idea of how iti will go, not having done much research on how dementia/ALZ radically changes their LO and you cannot train, teach, beg, incentivize them to be any different. Even if you are from a cultural background where caring for your LO in your home is an "expectation", I implore you to put your marriage first. Care facilities are much nicer and better run than in the past. Medicaid can pay for LTC or MC. Transitioning your father to a facility does not mean you don't love him. It definitely means you love and respect your husband and marriage. I'm sorry if this feels like pressure...it is a perspective and please read the many many posts on this forum from people who lost so much because they would not transition their parent when it became too much. I wish you much wisdom and clarity and peace in your heart as you ponder this.
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Frances73 Apr 1, 2021
Be careful, Medicaid will not cover Memory Care unless it is part of a nursing home. Many Assisted Living facilities include a MC wing. Since Medicare will not pay form AL that includes such MC units. I had a hard time finding a MC for Mom, all in my area were in AL homes.
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I was/am the one in your husbands situation. It is not easy and the anger builds. I am sure your husband displays some kind of irritation, either verbal or non verbal and from my experiences those cues make it 100 times worse. I am at the point I will not even attempt to hide my disgust, too much has happened.

My advice would be to choose between a relationship with your husband and having your father live with you. Facilities are not the end all.
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Martz, there is no WHY in Vascular Dementia.

It sounds like your dad has accused your DH before of stealing. This would wear me out very fast, especially as you say you are not that healthy (meaning that DH is providing for both you and Dad in some way).

Have you mentioned this pattern of accusation to dad's doctor? Sometimes meds can help with the paranoia. Has he been checked for a UTI? Does it do any good to show him the "Where's my Payment?" site at IRS.gov where he can see that his payment isn't available yet?

((((((Hugs)))))).

I'm with Stacy. It may be time for a nice facility with lots of distractions.
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Martz06 Mar 21, 2021
Yes thank you. I agreed it’s time for a facility. I’m trying to work with his doctor, In the meantime I was wondering if anything can be done. My father lives in our guest home next door but it doesn’t help when he’s sitting outside and my husband has to pass by when he comes home from work. In those brief few minutes there are lots of accusations. Perhaps my husband can pretend he’s on a phone call
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I like the phone call idea. No matter how many times you tell yourself "its the desease" the constant accusations will get to you. We have not received our stimulus yet, but we don't do our taxes direct deposit. Maybe Husband should not engage Dad. Just keep walking like he didn't hear him.

I have read ur profile and agree, it maybe time to place Dad.
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Martz, why does your husband have to change his behavior and pretend he is on the phone. He is walking into his home after he works all day.

I tell the person in my house, your Mom is your problem not mine. It is your responsibility to distract her so I can have peace. I hear the person is tired or doesnt feel well which is also not my problem. I hear, it is the disease, nope, mommy was a trip before. The latest, she told me today that she will die from Covid in a facility. My response was that's a chance I am more than willing to take.

Your husband is not the bad guy here and I really hope you listen because it really sucks being this angry and bitter all the time, never knowing when you will snap. I deal with it daily and wish it on no one.
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I feel very badly for your poor husband. Although I believe in family sticking together, if there’s abuse involved ( here mental abuse of your husband that is very damaging and stressful to him emotionally to be the target of false accusations) and in a case like this the need for your husband to have a safe living environment comes first, ones spouse should be the first priority and then rest of family after that. The how I don’t know but you and your husband shouldn’t be living with him anymore bc of the effect on your husband.
I want to set this out here that for some reason so many people attribute everything a senior ( with some level of dementia) does to dementia and that simply isn’t true. Sure some things are but they’re still an individual with their own innate personality they had years before that they retain. For example if a person had a tendency to blame others and never take responsibility for what they do then that same trait will usually remain with them at least to a large degree - dementia or no dementia. It seems more deliberate in a sense bc he only picks on your husband but you can’t allow it to go on. Dementia or no dementia you need to set a firm boundary - that if he accuses or says anything negative about your spouse, then there’s an immediate consequence such as he will be restricted to his room or a separate living room etc - and you and your spouse don’t interact with him for let’s say 4 hours. Everytime he picks on your spouse, you enforce the boundary by not speaking and or eating with him for a number of hours- this is an example of a consequence you could think of others. If after a trial run he’s still slinging insults at your hubby then you need to put the priority to your spouse and make arrangements for him to live with another family member
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NeesaLee Mar 30, 2021
Hi Sarah3
I too feel very sorry for this husband as he has no doubt endured much. I’m going to respectfully disagree with you and I hope you are not offended by it. However, I question this method you have posted of boundaries and consequences. I was a caregiver 24/7/365 for 6 years after diagnosis with Frontotemporal Dementia for my husband of 40 years. Your advice would be fine except that in dementia a patient eventually can’t remember even 15 seconds ago! My hubby would’ve had no idea why he was locked in his room. In my life, this would have been cruel to him because due to no fault of his own, he could not cognitively understand what was happening, much less why I wasn’t speaking to him for 5 min, much less 4 hours. Perhaps this worked for you on some level but it certainly would not have worked with the dementia I lived with for 6 years. I don’t have all the answers, but this one hit me really wrong..... just sayin
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It happens. It isn't fair to your husband. Your father has anxiety about your husband. The anxiety turns into accusations because things don't make sense to your dad. Dad may also have a touch of Sundowner's Syndrome, a condition where a person gets more confused and anxious in the evenings. More light in rooms and making sure the person gets enough sleep at night tends to help. I also suggest talking to dad's doctor about anti-anxiety medication. Try to create an evening routine for dad so there is consistency in his life.

In addition, try to carve out time every day for just you and your husband - without dad. Your husband needs to feel valued by you or he may come to resent dad taking all your time.
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I don’t know why it is, but I think it’s common. When I was a child, my grandmother had dementia and stayed with us for 2 weeks. She walked up and down the driveway every day collecting gravel in her purse and when my mom emptied it, she would accuse me of stealing. She always accused me for whatever reason (I was only 8). In hindsight, I know now it was dementia but at the time I just thought she was nuts, and mean.

Hopefully, your husband can let it roll of his back and not take it to heart.
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Sarah3 Mar 31, 2021
If it was for a weekend or maybe even a couple weeks perhaps he could try to let it roll off his back but I don’t feel it’s realistic ( or fair to the husband) to endure ongoing abuse is very damaging to his overall health not to mention possibly their marriage
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I'm so sorry for your husband having to take the abuse dished out by your father, but unfortunately the disease is insidious; who knows why he focused on your husband. When your husband comes home is there any way you can distract your father so you husband can have a peaceful return home?

Maybe moving your father to a facility would alleviate the tension for all involved. Who knows it could snap your father out of his abuse of your husband - of course he may focus on someone else. Shortly after my parents gave me the DPOAs to act for them, dad and I were sitting in the waiting room of his doctor's office. There in the waiting room he decided to tell me that he was worried turning control over to me because "money does funny things to people". Talk about angry - I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't need nor want his money. After we got home, I told mom if dad continued to behave that way I would refuse to act as his POA and when the time came we'd take him to court and have a conservator appointed. After that episode there were no more problems - though as dad progressed in his disease he continued to be fixated on money in one form or another.

Good luck with your father and you and especially your husband.
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he probably has dementia (earlier stages of it); it is not uncommon because their thoughts are starting to scramble so they latch on to a fixation of some kind. Your husband sounds like he is very patient. Another reason could be a mental illness which a doctor will have to evaluate him and treat.

If this is dementia, it is only going to get worse. Unless you are willing to spend 24/7 care with him, feed him, bathe him, even manage his bowels and change his diapers it is time to start doing estate planning and get him Medicaid-ready for nursing home placement and get POA. You also need to discuss a living will. If he forgets how to eat and drink, does he want a feeding tube. Full code? DNR? and pre-plan a funeral or cremation.
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