My husband says he's tired of my father accusing him of stealing. Anyone have a loved one with dementia fixated on one person in the family?

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My husband says he's tired of my father accusing him of stealing. Anyone have a loved one with dementia fixated on one person in the family?

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Today my father accused my husband of stealing his stimulus check because it’s not in his bank account (yet). Of course my husband does not have access to his account. For some reason he always blames my husband and not me. Does anyone know why? Is there anything that can be done? Perhaps it’s just random. I feel bad. I would rather he blame me since he’s my father so I can deal with it.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Relationships

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There are many adult children on this forum who ARE the object of their parents' daily ire and accusations -- and mostly they don't handle it any better. You won't be able to change your father's focus. That's only the beginning of understanding the loss of control (by everyone) when it comes to dementia. You don't control it. I 100% agree with Stacy0122 that your marriage (ie husband) have priority over caring for your father in your home. You're at only the beginning of how bad it can get every hour of every day. Your DH did not sign up for this when he married you. And no one can ever know what they are signing up for when they agree to move an elder LO into their home. They usually have a naive, romanticized idea of how iti will go, not having done much research on how dementia/ALZ radically changes their LO and you cannot train, teach, beg, incentivize them to be any different. Even if you are from a cultural background where caring for your LO in your home is an "expectation", I implore you to put your marriage first. Care facilities are much nicer and better run than in the past. Medicaid can pay for LTC or MC. Transitioning your father to a facility does not mean you don't love him. It definitely means you love and respect your husband and marriage. I'm sorry if this feels like pressure...it is a perspective and please read the many many posts on this forum from people who lost so much because they would not transition their parent when it became too much. I wish you much wisdom and clarity and peace in your heart as you ponder this.

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Be careful, Medicaid will not cover Memory Care unless it is part of a nursing home. Many Assisted Living facilities include a MC wing. Since Medicare will not pay form AL that includes such MC units. I had a hard time finding a MC for Mom, all in my area were in AL homes.

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Martz, there is no WHY in Vascular Dementia.

It sounds like your dad has accused your DH before of stealing. This would wear me out very fast, especially as you say you are not that healthy (meaning that DH is providing for both you and Dad in some way).

Have you mentioned this pattern of accusation to dad's doctor? Sometimes meds can help with the paranoia. Has he been checked for a UTI? Does it do any good to show him the "Where's my Payment?" site at IRS.gov where he can see that his payment isn't available yet?

((((((Hugs)))))).

I'm with Stacy. It may be time for a nice facility with lots of distractions.

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Yes thank you. I agreed it’s time for a facility. I’m trying to work with his doctor, In the meantime I was wondering if anything can be done. My father lives in our guest home next door but it doesn’t help when he’s sitting outside and my husband has to pass by when he comes home from work. In those brief few minutes there are lots of accusations. Perhaps my husband can pretend he’s on a phone call

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I like the phone call idea. No matter how many times you tell yourself "its the desease" the constant accusations will get to you. We have not received our stimulus yet, but we don't do our taxes direct deposit. Maybe Husband should not engage Dad. Just keep walking like he didn't hear him.

I have read ur profile and agree, it maybe time to place Dad.

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I feel very badly for your poor husband. Although I believe in family sticking together, if there’s abuse involved ( here mental abuse of your husband that is very damaging and stressful to him emotionally to be the target of false accusations) and in a case like this the need for your husband to have a safe living environment comes first, ones spouse should be the first priority and then rest of family after that. The how I don’t know but you and your husband shouldn’t be living with him anymore bc of the effect on your husband.
I want to set this out here that for some reason so many people attribute everything a senior ( with some level of dementia) does to dementia and that simply isn’t true. Sure some things are but they’re still an individual with their own innate personality they had years before that they retain. For example if a person had a tendency to blame others and never take responsibility for what they do then that same trait will usually remain with them at least to a large degree - dementia or no dementia. It seems more deliberate in a sense bc he only picks on your husband but you can’t allow it to go on. Dementia or no dementia you need to set a firm boundary - that if he accuses or says anything negative about your spouse, then there’s an immediate consequence such as he will be restricted to his room or a separate living room etc - and you and your spouse don’t interact with him for let’s say 4 hours. Everytime he picks on your spouse, you enforce the boundary by not speaking and or eating with him for a number of hours- this is an example of a consequence you could think of others. If after a trial run he’s still slinging insults at your hubby then you need to put the priority to your spouse and make arrangements for him to live with another family member

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It happens. It isn't fair to your husband. Your father has anxiety about your husband. The anxiety turns into accusations because things don't make sense to your dad. Dad may also have a touch of Sundowner's Syndrome, a condition where a person gets more confused and anxious in the evenings. More light in rooms and making sure the person gets enough sleep at night tends to help. I also suggest talking to dad's doctor about anti-anxiety medication. Try to create an evening routine for dad so there is consistency in his life.

In addition, try to carve out time every day for just you and your husband - without dad. Your husband needs to feel valued by you or he may come to resent dad taking all your time.

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This is so terribly common. My husband now is convinced his brother-in-law hates him. Insists he heard him tell his sister to get off the phone because it was running up the bill. So my DH often asks what time the rates go down. Only old timers would even know what he’s talking about! Young people have NEVER paid for long distance and certainly not by the minute. It is possible that my DH heard his BIL tell his sister to hang up, but that’s because my poor husband’s delusions and sundowning make him crazy as a loon in the evening. His solution for the anxiety this causes him is to call everyone - again, and again, and again - to beg them to come get him. He’s convinced his golf buddies left him at this hotel, or he’s at a hospital because he had an operation but he can’t find where they cut him, or his son threw him on the floor and tied him up and left him there (never mind that he’s calling and therefore NOT tied up), or his other son beat a guy up in the bar last night and now this guy is outside his door to take revenge on him. It’s heartbreaking and, even if you can talk him down, he’ll forget your conversation and be right back at it in 10 min or less. We’re trying antidepressants but haven’t hit a home run yet. He gets wound up by his delusions and goes on and on and on about them. And despite decades of a good relationship, he’s now convinced both his BILs hate him. The constant negative talking, especially when he started trying to get me to leave in the middle of the night because he didn’t know me, are why he’s now in a residential home. I, too, ended up screaming at him most nights and that wasn’t fair. Not his fault.

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I don’t know why it is, but I think it’s common. When I was a child, my grandmother had dementia and stayed with us for 2 weeks. She walked up and down the driveway every day collecting gravel in her purse and when my mom emptied it, she would accuse me of stealing. She always accused me for whatever reason (I was only 8). In hindsight, I know now it was dementia but at the time I just thought she was nuts, and mean.

Hopefully, your husband can let it roll of his back and not take it to heart.

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If it was for a weekend or maybe even a couple weeks perhaps he could try to let it roll off his back but I don’t feel it’s realistic ( or fair to the husband) to endure ongoing abuse is very damaging to his overall health not to mention possibly their marriage

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I'm so sorry for your husband having to take the abuse dished out by your father, but unfortunately the disease is insidious; who knows why he focused on your husband. When your husband comes home is there any way you can distract your father so you husband can have a peaceful return home?

Maybe moving your father to a facility would alleviate the tension for all involved. Who knows it could snap your father out of his abuse of your husband - of course he may focus on someone else. Shortly after my parents gave me the DPOAs to act for them, dad and I were sitting in the waiting room of his doctor's office. There in the waiting room he decided to tell me that he was worried turning control over to me because "money does funny things to people". Talk about angry - I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't need nor want his money. After we got home, I told mom if dad continued to behave that way I would refuse to act as his POA and when the time came we'd take him to court and have a conservator appointed. After that episode there were no more problems - though as dad progressed in his disease he continued to be fixated on money in one form or another.

Good luck with your father and you and especially your husband.

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he probably has dementia (earlier stages of it); it is not uncommon because their thoughts are starting to scramble so they latch on to a fixation of some kind. Your husband sounds like he is very patient. Another reason could be a mental illness which a doctor will have to evaluate him and treat.

If this is dementia, it is only going to get worse. Unless you are willing to spend 24/7 care with him, feed him, bathe him, even manage his bowels and change his diapers it is time to start doing estate planning and get him Medicaid-ready for nursing home placement and get POA. You also need to discuss a living will. If he forgets how to eat and drink, does he want a feeding tube. Full code? DNR? and pre-plan a funeral or cremation.

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Every night my mom would accuse me of taking money from her wallet. The money was missing because every night she hid it in the room then forgot where she hid it. So all day long she would talk to herself saying “I can’t believe my daughter steals from me if she needed the money she should just ask I would have given it to her” Then at night we would search her usual hiding spots till money was found and the next day the same thing until I finally couldn’t take it and I told her she is to have no money so she doesn’t have to worry about anyone taking it and if she needs anything I told her I would buy it for her. At times it got so bad my kids would help search the room too and when money was found tell my mom to apologize to me for accusing me of stealing. ...Looking back My mother was 100 percent correct she saw me with her wallet in my hand and the money but that is all she remembers...she didn’t remember I was putting the money back in her wallet every night after we found it. Why your husband is the target maybe he sees him opening the mail or maybe he has helped him in the past with his finances., maybe just the act of carrying the mail into the house triggers your Dad. I have two suggestions ... deposit money in his acct do he can see a stimulus deposit or make him not have access to see the account so he won’t know if he got the money or not. This is called a LOOP. So break the loop if redirection doesn’t work. Hopefully he will not pick up another loop and if so maybe you will be the target.. be careful what you wish for lol .. my mother would stare at me all day with disgust even tho she ate all the meals I prepared for her. If it wasn’t for my kids making me laugh during this time I could really see this taking a mental toll on my health. My advice is this.. you can not change your dad you have no control over that and it’s frustrating so now you know how your dad feels. What you do have control over is how you react to it.. laugh, cry, get mad it’s up to you. I did say one time to my mother that I am trying very hard to have her stay with us and if she is unhappy here we can look for a place that can make her happy. I am doing my best if it’s not good enough for you I will help you find a place where you will be happy. I said it in a loving and caring voice but I meant it. Took me a while to have boundaries but my life is much better. Good Luck

My husband says he's tired of my father accusing him of stealing. Anyone have a loved one with dementia fixated on one person in the family?

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