My husband says he's tired of my father accusing him of stealing. Anyone have a loved one with dementia fixated on one person in the family?

Maybe ask your husband to imagine your father with a 'wheel chair' symbol on your father's forehead (like we see in parking spaces for the physically challenged/handicapped), and just as we would not demand, or get angry, at someone who cannot leave his/her wheel chair and walk, we should realize that he (your father) has a different handicap, -his brain is not wired right anymore, and that hubby cannot take this personally, and really, though it is VERY hard, since no one wants to be constantly accused of something, especially when they are doing good by them, he has to work hard to rise above it. I don't know about you, but for me, my spirituality and relationship with G-d helps me and gives me more strength and support, to rise above things that I normally would not do. I keep reminding myself that 'all of this' is a gift, to help myself grow into a better person, as well. It may not be an answer for you, I am just sharing in hopes that IF you connect to this, it might help you and your husband get through this very difficult reality that has taken hold of your home. I wish you both much strength in whatever you choose to do to handle this. I hope others here will also answer, as maybe I can learn something more here too.

I was/am the one in your husbands situation. It is not easy and the anger builds. I am sure your husband displays some kind of irritation, either verbal or non verbal and from my experiences those cues make it 100 times worse. I am at the point I will not even attempt to hide my disgust, too much has happened.

My advice would be to choose between a relationship with your husband and having your father live with you. Facilities are not the end all.

Not too unusual, and always sad for all concerned but of course SADDEST OF ALL for the Target!

My grandmother Dearly loved my father (her son in law) and in her early dementia, turned on him overnight.

The estrangement didn’t last too long, maybe a few months, but everyone in the family suffered.

EVERYONE involved in this kind of situation MUST understand that the accuser is the most tragic victim of all, and my father would walk out when my grandmother would begin her attacks. And then one day, she’d forgotten her accusations and Grandma was peaceful with my dad again.

There are many adult children on this forum who ARE the object of their parents' daily ire and accusations -- and mostly they don't handle it any better. You won't be able to change your father's focus. That's only the beginning of understanding the loss of control (by everyone) when it comes to dementia. You don't control it.

I 100% agree with Stacy0122 that your marriage (ie husband) have priority over caring for your father in your home. You're at only the beginning of how bad it can get every hour of every day. Your DH did not sign up for this when he married you. And no one can ever know what they are signing up for when they agree to move an elder LO into their home. They usually have a naive, romanticized idea of how iti will go, not having done much research on how dementia/ALZ radically changes their LO and you cannot train, teach, beg, incentivize them to be any different. Even if you are from a cultural background where caring for your LO in your home is an "expectation", I implore you to put your marriage first. Care facilities are much nicer and better run than in the past. Medicaid can pay for LTC or MC. Transitioning your father to a facility does not mean you don't love him. It definitely means you love and respect your husband and marriage. I'm sorry if this feels like pressure...it is a perspective and please read the many many posts on this forum from people who lost so much because they would not transition their parent when it became too much. I wish you much wisdom and clarity and peace in your heart as you ponder this.

Martz, there is no WHY in Vascular Dementia.

It sounds like your dad has accused your DH before of stealing. This would wear me out very fast, especially as you say you are not that healthy (meaning that DH is providing for both you and Dad in some way).

Have you mentioned this pattern of accusation to dad's doctor? Sometimes meds can help with the paranoia. Has he been checked for a UTI? Does it do any good to show him the "Where's my Payment?" site at IRS.gov where he can see that his payment isn't available yet?

((((((Hugs)))))).

I'm with Stacy. It may be time for a nice facility with lots of distractions.

I like the phone call idea. No matter how many times you tell yourself "its the desease" the constant accusations will get to you. We have not received our stimulus yet, but we don't do our taxes direct deposit. Maybe Husband should not engage Dad. Just keep walking like he didn't hear him.

I have read ur profile and agree, it maybe time to place Dad.

Martz, why does your husband have to change his behavior and pretend he is on the phone. He is walking into his home after he works all day.

I tell the person in my house, your Mom is your problem not mine. It is your responsibility to distract her so I can have peace. I hear the person is tired or doesnt feel well which is also not my problem. I hear, it is the disease, nope, mommy was a trip before. The latest, she told me today that she will die from Covid in a facility. My response was that's a chance I am more than willing to take.

Your husband is not the bad guy here and I really hope you listen because it really sucks being this angry and bitter all the time, never knowing when you will snap. I deal with it daily and wish it on no one.

Try ear plugs. Easy Peezy.

This is so terribly common. My husband now is convinced his brother-in-law hates him. Insists he heard him tell his sister to get off the phone because it was running up the bill. So my DH often asks what time the rates go down. Only old timers would even know what he’s talking about! Young people have NEVER paid for long distance and certainly not by the minute. It is possible that my DH heard his BIL tell his sister to hang up, but that’s because my poor husband’s delusions and sundowning make him crazy as a loon in the evening. His solution for the anxiety this causes him is to call everyone - again, and again, and again - to beg them to come get him. He’s convinced his golf buddies left him at this hotel, or he’s at a hospital because he had an operation but he can’t find where they cut him, or his son threw him on the floor and tied him up and left him there (never mind that he’s calling and therefore NOT tied up), or his other son beat a guy up in the bar last night and now this guy is outside his door to take revenge on him. It’s heartbreaking and, even if you can talk him down, he’ll forget your conversation and be right back at it in 10 min or less. We’re trying antidepressants but haven’t hit a home run yet. He gets wound up by his delusions and goes on and on and on about them. And despite decades of a good relationship, he’s now convinced both his BILs hate him. The constant negative talking, especially when he started trying to get me to leave in the middle of the night because he didn’t know me, are why he’s now in a residential home. I, too, ended up screaming at him most nights and that wasn’t fair. Not his fault.

Every night my mom would accuse me of taking money from her wallet. The money was missing because every night she hid it in the room then forgot where she hid it. So all day long she would talk to herself saying “I can’t believe my daughter steals from me if she needed the money she should just ask I would have given it to her” Then at night we would search her usual hiding spots till money was found and the next day the same thing until I finally couldn’t take it and I told her she is to have no money so she doesn’t have to worry about anyone taking it and if she needs anything I told her I would buy it for her. At times it got so bad my kids would help search the room too and when money was found tell my mom to apologize to me for accusing me of stealing. ...Looking back My mother was 100 percent correct she saw me with her wallet in my hand and the money but that is all she remembers...she didn’t remember I was putting the money back in her wallet every night after we found it. Why your husband is the target maybe he sees him opening the mail or maybe he has helped him in the past with his finances., maybe just the act of carrying the mail into the house triggers your Dad. I have two suggestions ... deposit money in his acct do he can see a stimulus deposit or make him not have access to see the account so he won’t know if he got the money or not. This is called a LOOP. So break the loop if redirection doesn’t work. Hopefully he will not pick up another loop and if so maybe you will be the target.. be careful what you wish for lol .. my mother would stare at me all day with disgust even tho she ate all the meals I prepared for her. If it wasn’t for my kids making me laugh during this time I could really see this taking a mental toll on my health. My advice is this.. you can not change your dad you have no control over that and it’s frustrating so now you know how your dad feels. What you do have control over is how you react to it.. laugh, cry, get mad it’s up to you. I did say one time to my mother that I am trying very hard to have her stay with us and if she is unhappy here we can look for a place that can make her happy. I am doing my best if it’s not good enough for you I will help you find a place where you will be happy. I said it in a loving and caring voice but I meant it. Took me a while to have boundaries but my life is much better. Good Luck

I don’t know why it is, but I think it’s common. When I was a child, my grandmother had dementia and stayed with us for 2 weeks. She walked up and down the driveway every day collecting gravel in her purse and when my mom emptied it, she would accuse me of stealing. She always accused me for whatever reason (I was only 8). In hindsight, I know now it was dementia but at the time I just thought she was nuts, and mean.

Hopefully, your husband can let it roll of his back and not take it to heart.

I'm so sorry for your husband having to take the abuse dished out by your father, but unfortunately the disease is insidious; who knows why he focused on your husband. When your husband comes home is there any way you can distract your father so you husband can have a peaceful return home?

Maybe moving your father to a facility would alleviate the tension for all involved. Who knows it could snap your father out of his abuse of your husband - of course he may focus on someone else. Shortly after my parents gave me the DPOAs to act for them, dad and I were sitting in the waiting room of his doctor's office. There in the waiting room he decided to tell me that he was worried turning control over to me because "money does funny things to people". Talk about angry - I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't need nor want his money. After we got home, I told mom if dad continued to behave that way I would refuse to act as his POA and when the time came we'd take him to court and have a conservator appointed. After that episode there were no more problems - though as dad progressed in his disease he continued to be fixated on money in one form or another.

Good luck with your father and you and especially your husband.

I feel very badly for your poor husband. Although I believe in family sticking together, if there’s abuse involved ( here mental abuse of your husband that is very damaging and stressful to him emotionally to be the target of false accusations) and in a case like this the need for your husband to have a safe living environment comes first, ones spouse should be the first priority and then rest of family after that. The how I don’t know but you and your husband shouldn’t be living with him anymore bc of the effect on your husband.
I want to set this out here that for some reason so many people attribute everything a senior ( with some level of dementia) does to dementia and that simply isn’t true. Sure some things are but they’re still an individual with their own innate personality they had years before that they retain. For example if a person had a tendency to blame others and never take responsibility for what they do then that same trait will usually remain with them at least to a large degree - dementia or no dementia. It seems more deliberate in a sense bc he only picks on your husband but you can’t allow it to go on. Dementia or no dementia you need to set a firm boundary - that if he accuses or says anything negative about your spouse, then there’s an immediate consequence such as he will be restricted to his room or a separate living room etc - and you and your spouse don’t interact with him for let’s say 4 hours. Everytime he picks on your spouse, you enforce the boundary by not speaking and or eating with him for a number of hours- this is an example of a consequence you could think of others. If after a trial run he’s still slinging insults at your hubby then you need to put the priority to your spouse and make arrangements for him to live with another family member

It happens. It isn't fair to your husband. Your father has anxiety about your husband. The anxiety turns into accusations because things don't make sense to your dad. Dad may also have a touch of Sundowner's Syndrome, a condition where a person gets more confused and anxious in the evenings. More light in rooms and making sure the person gets enough sleep at night tends to help. I also suggest talking to dad's doctor about anti-anxiety medication. Try to create an evening routine for dad so there is consistency in his life.

In addition, try to carve out time every day for just you and your husband - without dad. Your husband needs to feel valued by you or he may come to resent dad taking all your time.

My Grandma lives with us and she has two unruly little dogs. They often poop in the house- she always blames it on my 6 year old niece, my SIL’s daughter. Of all the challenges and difficulties that come along with caregiving my grandma THIS is the one thing that drives me nuts!! It makes me so frustrated. My daughter thinks it’s funny but I can barely keep my temper when she says it. I practice yogic breathing and move along through my day.

he probably has dementia (earlier stages of it); it is not uncommon because their thoughts are starting to scramble so they latch on to a fixation of some kind. Your husband sounds like he is very patient. Another reason could be a mental illness which a doctor will have to evaluate him and treat.

If this is dementia, it is only going to get worse. Unless you are willing to spend 24/7 care with him, feed him, bathe him, even manage his bowels and change his diapers it is time to start doing estate planning and get him Medicaid-ready for nursing home placement and get POA. You also need to discuss a living will. If he forgets how to eat and drink, does he want a feeding tube. Full code? DNR? and pre-plan a funeral or cremation.

He’s having delusions. My wife thinks that I’m stealing home decorations from her. It’s not responsible thinking it’s delusion. Our hearts don’t know that and it hurts really bad but the accuser isn’t having a rational thought in that particular insurance it’s delusion.

Dementia destroys so much of the mind’s reasoning and recall. My father went downhill quickly with physical ailments and dementia. He was reliving misconstrued past events. He said that as a child he overheard women speak of taking quinine to try and cause a miscarriage. That story then turned into both of grandmothers must have tried it and the quinine then became permanent in the system and passed down to daughters, and then granddaughters. The quinine then makes women “overly sexual”. That lead to even more outrageous stories. My poor mother had her own illness (rare viral encephalitis) just prior to his decline. It was hard on her when visiting him because of her own limitations that affected her short term memory and brain functioning. (She could no longer live alone and lived with me in GA. My husband was a saint during all this.) My father passed away after being in the nursing home for a little over a year. He was a successful and admired man that would have been horrified had he known what his brain was doing to him and those he loved. My mother improved to the point of trying assisted living. But, we now see her decline to where memory care will be needed. She thinks the staff is controlling her phone (it’s a cell phone), no one knows what happened to her neighbor resident (he had to be moved to the nursing home), they control her cable tv (she just can’t remember the channels and stations), etc. We all feel deeply for your situation and wish we could offer instant remedies. The best thing is possible is to seek a good facility.

We went through this with my widowed maternal grandfather. He lived in rural PA, but spent a winter with my parents and me in metro NJ. He started taking a dislike to my father, and sometimes accused him of stealing from him and from others. It became so bad that my father, who commuted to NYC and got home fairly late, would eat by himself to avoid having to be in the same room with his FIL. My grandfather would say negative things about my father (starting with "I don't know about that guy..") One day my mother "let him have it" by telling her father that my father "is a good husband and father, and I won't have you talking about him that way!" Both my grandfather and father were veterans (in WW I and WW II, respectively), but one day my grandfather claimed my father had just '"rented" his uniform for show! Finally, when my grandfather decided he wanted to go back to PA in the spring, partly because "there were too many crooks in NJ" (which may be true, but what he read in the newspapers, etc. didn't have anything to do with him), and my father told me to make sure my grandfather saw me put his bag with his cash into the car. Because my father had bought a new car, my GF accused him of using his money to pay for it, so we had to show him his bank balance to convince him otherwise, that his money was all still there.

My GF was always a "hard customer" who didn't say much except to criticize. My GM was an extremely pleasant person who had to put up with him. Although there was almost an 11 year difference in age, my GF outlived my GF by almost six years, living to almost 89 as opposed to her 72. My father said that if this had worked out the other way, my GM could have moved in with us and everyone would have been happy--and from seeing how we all interacted over the years, I believe it, but of course I realize that if she were to have developed dementia, then the situation would have changed.

Yes, my mom picks on my niece too and it is very common. My uncle did it to his wife also.

What we do is redirect : say that another person took it, someone that she trusts and say that they will bring it back or i say that I needed the object and will bring it back or "I think I put it somewhere and forgot to tell you"

Your life will become real creative at directing blame elsewhere.

Depending on the situation - always pick people he trusts.

This is dementia. Your husband SHOULD NOT take this to heart.Dont try to make sense of this brain disease. It will not happen.

Yes, my mother (not diagnosed with anything) scapegoats me (the one that helps her). If that's your husband he might want to look at narcissistic parent stuff online to get tips on how to deal with it and better still explanations of why it's not him, it's his father. Even if the cause is dementia and not narcissistic personality disorder, the advice on how not to blame yourself might be helpful.

(On a side note maybe not so helpful except to let your husband know he's not alone - my mother yesterday accused me (who had to move to a different state to avoid killing myself from her emotional and physical abuse) of reading her emails. She didn't even give me one of the emails that she uses with the children she loved. Also, they set up both emails, so if anyone knows the passwords it would be them, not me. I'd never look at her email anyway as when I was with her and helped her once with an email, I saw that she'd been writing my sister and sister in law telling them that I - the person who'd given up their life to help her downsize for two years - was stealing from her, manipulating her, had mental problems (other than the major ones caused by her! I don't) etc etc etc). Sorry this last part is a rant as I was very hurt with her last email that also had her mocking a major health issue I have, telling me she wishes I was dead. Wishing you and your husband strength and peace.

Dementia is caused by the weakening of the frontal lobe, so one begins acting out of the ancient part of the brain (early years in life). I would try hypnosis which can do great things to relieve these symptoms and promote more positive ways of dealing and feeling about their lives. Ron, former psychotherapist, used it a lot, works.

Oh bless you. YES. One of my family members is fixated on one of her children. There is not, nor ever has been, any reason. It’s just something the family adjusted to the delusion. Made another family member financial “ officer” and keep reminding her that another person helps with bill- keeping etc
Bless you as this is a terrible feeling. Be sure the remainder of your family knows your husband is innocent snd this is a delusion. Prayers for you.

Imho, an individual with a broken brain will become fixated on one particular thing. There is no reasoning with this person. Prayers sent.

I am sad for you and your family.

Hopefully, your father has a geriatric care specialist who can assess and guide you on his current physical, cognitive and psychiatric state; offer medications (if appropriate): and help you know the prognosis for what is to come.
There are medications which can slow the dementia progression, and there may be medications for the emotional changes happening.

Beyond that, I see only two possible options for you:
1. Reduce the time your husband and father spend together. This may include specific to times of day (such as evenin hours), your father's physical or emotional state at the moment (tired, sick, agitated), or when specific triggers happen (a topic about mmoney comes up, for example). You can no longer expect your father to feel and act the same way every day across the day, so you need to accommodate to be vigilant of his mood set by his disease.

2. Try to create activities that may help build trust between your father and husband so that they might bond better. Ideally, these activities should be things your father greatly enjoys and avoid the triggers that set him on your husband. Take pictures of the activity and place them where your father can see them and remember them often. Talk about these good times and enhance the positive feelings toward your husband. Essentially, actively try to reshape the feelings (and Possibly the memories) your dad has for him. Reshaping might not work, but it is worth an honest effort.

Personally, I do both things very actively with my mom and she has normal aging cognitive changes. And, dont forget to work with his physician to plan for what is still to come with this brutal disease.

Yes dear.. my mom! She does the same towards my husband but early on I told him to learn that she is sick and this is part of this sickness and just accept it and don't take it seriously. One thing I know that works is distractraction either by music or a small snack. My mom gets hungry a lot and that's the time she is the most unstable and starting the accusations and has bizarre behavior! As soon as I give her a snack(usually a protein and a piece of fruit or tea with couple of healthy cookies)she becomes okay and forgets the accusations. Also TV programs that he likes is another thing you could try. The more you respond by arguing or trying to reason with them, the worse they get. Just deter!
sense of humor also helps.
Good luck🙂

im dealing with that now im my mother's caregiver i get blamed for everything even things that aren't true it's so draining dealing with this with know help from family it's hard on me a lot of times i just want to walk away feeling stuck all the times.