Oh, Jaybird, I could write a book 1000 pages long and every page would have you crying or shaking your head in disbelief. And I know I am not unusual in this.
MY DH has had multiple medical issues--HepC that caused Primary Liver Cancer, and liver transplant, major massive septic infection afterwards, a stroke while he was treating his HCV with chemo, heart procedure, relapse of the HCV, depression, major motorcycle accident, uncontrolled diabetes, then one year ago, to the day almost, 2 complete heart attacks and 2 stent procedures which once again, saved his life. 12 years and counting.
Through almost all of this, also, major depression which turned outwards into anger at--well,, guess who? Yep, me. The ONLY person who stood by his side and put up with his illnesses and such.
I honestly did the best I could. Everyday? No, nobody can, but on the whole, I turned my life into caregiving for him. He has been able to work through all this and as he LOVES his work, we've been OK. But for 12+ years, he comes home from work on Friday afternoon, eat dinner and be in bed by 7 and I won't see him again until Monday midday when he'd be up and heading back to work. No life together, I'd drag him to family events, etc and he'd put on the sad sack face and complain to the kids (we have 5) that I wasn't taking good care of him. I became his nurse, we are like patient and nurse, really, we aren't a 'married' couple and there is no intimacy in our lives whatsoever.
Somebody kindly asked him one day how he was and he told them some tale about how we was able to take care of himself fabulously well... "make my own breakfast, the wife likes to sleep in". I could have killed him. He had gotten up ONCE and fried some eggs and of course left the kitchen a mess, b/c that's not his JOB.
Am I hitting a nerve here?
I can go on and on and I won't. But you're not alone.
Someone who is not thinking clearly or who has poor self examination techniques will almost always turn any uncomfortable emotion outward into anger. That's my DH to a T. Anger is a secondary emotion. He's not really angry, he's unhappy, scared, lonely, sad..you name it. But anger is such a manly emotion.
Does that help me? A little. My kids don't know why we have stayed together--truly, it is WORK to stay married to this guy.
He's not bad. He's not mean. He's not cheap. He loves me as best he knows how. It's really, very sad.
6 weeks ago I was dxed with Lymphoma, stage 2. Terrifying news. He went with me to some of the drs appts as I was poked, prodded, biopsied and tested every which way-- and until my oncologist looked him straight in the eye and said "Mr. E, your wife doesn't have a lasting infection or 'stress' related issues. She has CANCER." He'd poo-pooed all the dxes until that moment.
I gave him the option to leave while I did chemo and I would have arranged for some kind of care post chemo if he couldn't step up. Not angry, just being self-preserving.
He's stepping up. It's about all he can do, it's definitely out of his wheelhouse, but when I tell you that he actually stayed with me this last Monday during my first round of chemo and didn't just drop me off...well, that was huge.
This is the first time I have HAD to rely on him. And although I can tell it's VERY hard for him, he is doing it.
I am not really very sick--meaning, I am sick, yes, I feel yucky every second of the day, but I don't tell him. I just said I would do what I could (I am taking early retirement) and he'd have to pick up the slack. It's just the 2 of us and a small home.
My advice to you is to be straightforward and do not put up with crap. I did for so many years, fearing if I didn't do 'all the things' I'd failed. Yes, divorce has been discussed.
Sound too close to home? You're going to get a lot of advice. Mine works for me. I have become much more self-preserving and that's OK. I have a small support newtwork--and I am learning to tell him what I NEED. We'll see how it goes.
So sorry you are going thru this. Praying all works out. The doctor should have said she has cancer that the stress u put on her may have contributed to it.
My Aunt was in an accident and sustained a bad head injury. Was a while before she was able to talk. She always took her anger out on her sister, my Mom. The doctor said they always do that to the ones they love. I guess cause they think that the LO won't leave.
It is depression which so often manifests as anger, and it is almost always the nearest and dearest it is visited upon, because they are "there" and they won't be disappearing because you manifest what you feel. Makes it so hard. I had this a lot in the beginning with my brother, and once just said to myself in my own head that perhaps it was somewhat of a gift, because it was at times easier to be angry with him than to realize we were both grieving something we felt would change our lives completely, for good, and until the "end".
Cancer is a scary word. It brings your mortality to the front line. No one wants to die and none of us really know whats beyond this reality. We hope a better place.
Tell him you can't change what is happening to him. You wish you could take it away BUT you will no longer take his abuse. That ur his wife, not his servant. That a please and thank you would be appreciated. That his illness effects u too because u love him. But the way he treats u is unacceptable. A little appreciation goes a long way.
MY DH has had multiple medical issues--HepC that caused Primary Liver Cancer, and liver transplant, major massive septic infection afterwards, a stroke while he was treating his HCV with chemo, heart procedure, relapse of the HCV, depression, major motorcycle accident, uncontrolled diabetes, then one year ago, to the day almost, 2 complete heart attacks and 2 stent procedures which once again, saved his life. 12 years and counting.
Through almost all of this, also, major depression which turned outwards into anger at--well,, guess who? Yep, me. The ONLY person who stood by his side and put up with his illnesses and such.
I honestly did the best I could. Everyday? No, nobody can, but on the whole, I turned my life into caregiving for him. He has been able to work through all this and as he LOVES his work, we've been OK. But for 12+ years, he comes home from work on Friday afternoon, eat dinner and be in bed by 7 and I won't see him again until Monday midday when he'd be up and heading back to work. No life together, I'd drag him to family events, etc and he'd put on the sad sack face and complain to the kids (we have 5) that I wasn't taking good care of him. I became his nurse, we are like patient and nurse, really, we aren't a 'married' couple and there is no intimacy in our lives whatsoever.
Somebody kindly asked him one day how he was and he told them some tale about how we was able to take care of himself fabulously well... "make my own breakfast, the wife likes to sleep in". I could have killed him. He had gotten up ONCE and fried some eggs and of course left the kitchen a mess, b/c that's not his JOB.
Am I hitting a nerve here?
I can go on and on and I won't. But you're not alone.
Someone who is not thinking clearly or who has poor self examination techniques will almost always turn any uncomfortable emotion outward into anger. That's my DH to a T. Anger is a secondary emotion. He's not really angry, he's unhappy, scared, lonely, sad..you name it. But anger is such a manly emotion.
Does that help me? A little. My kids don't know why we have stayed together--truly, it is WORK to stay married to this guy.
He's not bad. He's not mean. He's not cheap. He loves me as best he knows how. It's really, very sad.
6 weeks ago I was dxed with Lymphoma, stage 2. Terrifying news. He went with me to some of the drs appts as I was poked, prodded, biopsied and tested every which way-- and until my oncologist looked him straight in the eye and said "Mr. E, your wife doesn't have a lasting infection or 'stress' related issues. She has CANCER." He'd poo-pooed all the dxes until that moment.
I gave him the option to leave while I did chemo and I would have arranged for some kind of care post chemo if he couldn't step up. Not angry, just being self-preserving.
He's stepping up. It's about all he can do, it's definitely out of his wheelhouse, but when I tell you that he actually stayed with me this last Monday during my first round of chemo and didn't just drop me off...well, that was huge.
This is the first time I have HAD to rely on him. And although I can tell it's VERY hard for him, he is doing it.
I am not really very sick--meaning, I am sick, yes, I feel yucky every second of the day, but I don't tell him. I just said I would do what I could (I am taking early retirement) and he'd have to pick up the slack. It's just the 2 of us and a small home.
My advice to you is to be straightforward and do not put up with crap. I did for so many years, fearing if I didn't do 'all the things' I'd failed. Yes, divorce has been discussed.
Sound too close to home? You're going to get a lot of advice. Mine works for me. I have become much more self-preserving and that's OK. I have a small support newtwork--and I am learning to tell him what I NEED. We'll see how it goes.
You have
Tell him you can't change what is happening to him. You wish you could take it away BUT you will no longer take his abuse. That ur his wife, not his servant. That a please and thank you would be appreciated. That his illness effects u too because u love him. But the way he treats u is unacceptable. A little appreciation goes a long way.