Anyone experienced an elderly parent talking about them to other people?

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Anyone experienced an elderly parent talking about them to other people?

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I think my father is speaking negatively about me to other people. He is in the NH right now for physical therapy. I believe he has told others that I put him there and that he had no help when he was home which is a complete lie. Recently I saw one of his close friends and her attitude was different with me and this is not the first time. I think he has done this with his family as well. He has people feeling sorry for him. This is hurtful to me that he would do this but it is so obvious. I know I should not worry about what others think but why would a parent do this? Actually, this has been occurring since I was a child. Whenever we had company over, when I was little, he enjoyed talking about me to others in a negative way.

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I already posted about momma doing this but my brother does the same thing. Momma and him are tight. He will go over to mommas assisted living and talk in her ear all about me. I am trustee and poa for her. He will tell her it is your money momma. It is not Beth's money. For instance we were going to have christmas dinner as a family this year - have not been together in five years because of drama and I said that we were going to pay for immediate family. With the price of assisted living going up we cannot afford to pay for everybodys dinner. What my bro and his wife do is that they invite all of their friends and family members and except momma to pay. So what momma does is she believes everything that comes out of bros mouth and then the next time momma and I talk she lashes out at me and repeats everything bro said back to me. Causes momma and I to have words. Bro has said all kinds of things to momma in the past. He told momma that I put her away in assisted living. I have taken her independence away from her. I have taken her money away from her and so on and so on. I am wondering if he has some mental problems or is he and his wife just that greedy?

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Reply to akababy7

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Wow. Yes on many occasions. But mostly mine is more like...
I got up took her to church. We then went to family lunch 8 people plus her. After stopped at the store then home. She went in and took a nap. I did some cleaning and started dinner. I over heard her tell her sister. "I haven't seen anyone all day. I think I'm alone here." At that point I made a point to go in the living room with her speaking very loudly. Dinner is almost ready. I've brought your drink and medicine for you. Did you have a good nap. Just so they knew she was not alone. She likes to tell people we are not there. She is never left alone. Someone may not be sitting next to her but always someone there. But this is normal behavior for her. I have called her on it a few times. I feel she is using it to get attention.

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Reply to ChrisVA

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All the time, for my entire life. I feel for you.
Up until now I just distanced myself from my Mom & Grandma who were the ones doing it. Then I let myself get sucked back in recently. I try to keep in mind it shows more about their character than mine. I also try to keep the quote by Bernard Beruch in mind, " Those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". It's hard to not take it personally and not feel hurt by it though.
Wish I had some sage words of wisdom to help but unfortunately I don't. All I can say is the perpetrators can't live forever even though it sure can feel like they will, and it's up to us to not become like them.

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Reply to Gypsynurse

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I'm late to this post, but just wanted to add some encouragement. My mother does the same thing. If I over hear the conversation, I confront her right away and usually end up reminding her of all the things I do for her and tell her she should be ashamed. However, it does no good. Just makes me feel better calling her out. This is obviously a common problem. The best thing that happened to me was my husband over hearing a conversation and he let her have it. He is quiet and rarely says much but obviously holds a lot in. She thinks the world of him and it really caught her off guard that he would do such a thing. I loved it! Please do not take it personally. You are obviously a great daughter! Put your mental health first and hopefully you can develop a coping strategy that works for you. I know it's hard. It would be so nice if everyone was blessed with pleasant, positive parents, but that's not the case. Just do the best you can.

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Reply to FlowerGirl23

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I am in a very similar situation with my mother. It’s nothing new, has been going on for many years. I just am around her more due to having to arrange their care and help with errands. So it hurts more because I can’t distance myself as I normally would. Your husband is my hero. Thanks for the encouragement.

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I read your comment and it hit home for me. I have a 80 year old mother who does not have dementia and does not live with me. She has been nasty my entire life, it was about my looks, how friends of mine were prettier then me, what people thought about me. Now I am 60 and its is still coming, she goes behind my back and tells anyone who will listen bad things about my brother and I, they have withdrawn from us. She recently told my brother she does not love us. What is sad is I am so harden inside, its like I don't care. Just needed to vent.

Lisa

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Reply to Lisalou12

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Completely agree with Barb. If he then chooses to invent things you said, he's more likely to expose his own lies to others.

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Reply to Chriscat83

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FB, telling you what his "friend supposedly said--that is gaslighting, a subtle form of abuse.

I'd say very little to him. He'll turn it against you

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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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Not only did my mother do that, but she badmouthed us TO our faces when she stopped recognizing us. Yeah, not fun.

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Reply to NightHeron

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Faithful, glad to read that this forum is helpful. You are not alone!! You say your father asks "what is wrong with you?". That is a typical abusive trait, transferring their poor behaviour onto you, making it your problem not theirs (they will never face up to their own abusive treatment of others). You also mention that your father's friend has asked the same question. Now, is that just what your father has told you (in which case it could be a lie) or did you hear it directly from the friend? If you spoke directly with the friend, maybe they've noticed that after years of being a victim of your father's abuse, you are now no longer going to put up with it - and well done you!!

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Reply to Chriscat83

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@Chriscat83.. He says his friend asked him that. She has not said anything to me. I have definitely had enough.

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FB, I think you are experiencing a "paradigm shift".

You've accepted the negative view your father had of you your whole life. You seem to have assumed that you were doing something wrong, or that you weren't good enough in some way. As you say, he hurt your soul.

Now, in middle age, you come to realize that his negative behavior towards you is in HIS head, not a fault of your behavior. That's a lot to take in.

Keep working at repairing the damage through therapy. And no, it's not dementia, but it IS mental illness.

It seems to me that someone who doesn't value their child's soul doesn't value themselves very much. The need to crush their child seems to arise from a deeply placed self-hatred.

Very sad

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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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@BarbBrooklyn,
Yes, I have realized that none of this is my fault I hate that it took me so long to realize this and you are right.. I kept trying to prove I was good enough. I finally realized that his negative behavior was not my fault and that I’m not responsible for anything he does. I no longer have the energy to try to prove anything and I should not have to. Life is too short to spend it trying to please everyone but yourself.

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Thanks to everyone for all of the responses! I woke up this morning feeling really down and reading all of the responses has really helped me. I appreciate this forum so much because it proves that we are not alone. It helps hearing from others who are experiencing the same issues. I think I could deal with his behavior better if it was due to dementia but as I stated, this has been happening since I was little. I'm praying for all of you who are having to deal with situations like this because no one deserves to be mistreated.

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Reply to faithfulbeauty

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Faithful, I’ve had this with my mother all my life. Didn’t realise it was happening until about 20 years ago when I was in my thirties though, but when I did, it explained many behaviours towards me from others since my childhood. I got the strange looks, the hostility from people I’d never met before, the lack of friendliness. I can see now that my mother had been briefing against me to anyone she met. Of course this realisation is devastating and you struggle with wondering why, thinking something is wrong with you for a parent to speak about you in this way, to so many people. But in reality the problem lies with the person spreading lies, not with you. It doesn’t change the hurt you feel nor the sense of injustice, but as my husband has told me many many times, just because this person says such terrible things about you, it doesn’t mean they are true. The only consolation is that sometimes people see through my mother’s lies and see the real me through my actions and behaviours. When this happens they are really shocked and tend to either avoid my mother or tell her what a caring daughter she has. I completely understand why you would worry about what others think, but it might help to consider that your father isn’t necessarily presenting himself in a good way to others when he is so unpleasant about you. The best way to deal with him is to be emotionally detached from his behaviour, taking care of what needs to be done for him without letting him upset you. It’s difficult to do, but it is possible, and it’s the way I deal with my mother now to limit the hurt she can cause.

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Reply to Chriscat83

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@Chiscat83.. You are right. It is hurtful because I have done everything I can for him since my mother passed away 21 years ago. I'm so tired. I think he knows that I have had enough because he keeps asking what is wrong with me and he said he said one of his friends ( that I believe he talks about me to) asked him the same thing. It would not do any good to even explain the damage he has caused to my soul and spirit all these years.

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faithfulbeauty: Hugs and love sent.

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Reply to Llamalover47

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Thanks!

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People that have known him before his NH, will already know this about his behavior. As for his new "friends," always be kind to him and them. Don't act as if you are aware of his "bad habit" or give legitimacy to his claims.

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Reply to Taarna

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P.S. A Geriatric Case Manager would be good to have on his case also. And make sure POA Medical and Legal ( all angles) are properly documented... A Licensed SW can help sometimes. And, you may benefit from conferring with an Elder Law Attorney. Be sure that the
" friends" have no wiggle room to get involved in any way.

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Reply to janicemeyer18

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If this has been going on since childhood, there may certainly be long term underlying emotional, psychological, mental health, attention seeking, low esteem for example that is a part of who he is. That said, as for now, as he is aging, these factors could feed into his behaviors now such as you describe; or he could also have some level of cognitive deficit such as dementia that also contributes to elders negatively speaking about family or even paid caregivers to family or vice versa. Have a mental health professional visit and assess your father and provide a diagnosis so that the objective diagnosis can be on the record; and the mental health professionals can also give you some feedback on best coping options. That all said, aging people often buddy up with " friends" to bad mouth and or scapegoat the ones that do the most and look be them most. Unfortunately the aging
" friends" often thrive on this and feed into the problem. Talk with the mental health professionals about this for guidance on coping with the " friends". Be sure father gets on going mental health care
And, for sure, be sure that you are getting emotional, spiritual support , grief support from an appropriate professional ( is, SW, Chaplain, Pastor, other counseling). Your self care is vital.

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Reply to janicemeyer18

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Did you ever hear the song, you always hurt the one you love. It's an old one. I go through the same thing with my husband that has dementia. I have finally learned to take these things with a grain of salt. Thanks to this forum, the people here care because they have all been through something or other. Has helped me so much. I thank them all kindly.

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Reply to Cheeky79

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Your father’s tale will not have been their first such stories about relatives, and if they are reasonably experienced, they will know how to direct his conversation in the appropriate direction.

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Reply to AnnReid

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Aw, faithful, I'm so sorry for you. Unfortunately, this scenario is all-too-common with caregivers. I happened to be the first of three sisters to be my mom's caretaker, and unfortunately, had recently moved in with her, temporarily, due to job loss and divorce. Completely uncharacteristically, my mom actually reached out to my two sisters to tell them that I was drinking too much and that she was completely stressed out that I was there. I wasn't and wasn't. She'd become completely dependent on me for shopping, dr. appointments (about 4-5 a week), paying her bills, and 'managing' her gardener and housekeepers, so she could stay in her home, which she deeply resented and made me the brunt of her frustration. When I left (which I couldn't do soon enough) after five years, I moved to another state and bought a nice home with an old high school friend. When that didn't work out, I called my mom and told her I was moving back 'home' (but not hers); I asked her to not tell my sisters, that I wanted to do that myself, individually and would do that the next morning. I quickly learned that she had immediately called each of them, causing chaos among the sibs. I've never been able to 'forgive' her for her betrayal--but at that point, my mom was no longer the person we all had grown up with.

Anyway, we're all here for you, and understand 100%. Love and support to you.

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Reply to Davenport

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This leads me to believe this is a lifetime problem.............it isn't age related, right? Reminds me of many stories shared about narcissistic family members who sought attention in the same way. Hope you will consider moving far away right after you meet with a family therapist...........................you deserve to be treated with respect.

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Reply to ConnieCaretaker

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@ConnieCaretaker.. Yes it is a lifelong problem. He mistreated my mom and I and he has also done the same since I have been an adult. I was just thinking about how much I wish I could move away. I'm working towards that.

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I think it is incredibly common. It probably happens much more often than elderly parents talking to others about all the help their caregiving family gives them. My father-in-law had some family members (only those who never visited, never took care of him, never even spoke to any of his doctors) convinced that he was perfectly fine and that we were "sponging" off of him. We left our retirement to care full time for him, when his doctor said he could no longer live alone, so that he could continue to live in the house and neighborhood he loved and was familiar with as long as possible. We didn't expect anything in return, but we never expected to be resented and bad-mouthed because we represented what he truly hated: being unable to care for himself. We cared for my father for the last 3 and a half years of his life (when we had newborn children) until his health was so bad that he was in a nursing home for the last few months of his life. Then 40 years later, we cared for my husband's father for the last 3 and a half years of his life until his health was so bad that he was in a nursing home for the last 8 days of his life. We believed that this is what you do for family. My husband now says if he had it to do over again, he would not have done it. I don't agree, but I understand the sentiment. I can't imagine too many things that hurt worse than sacrificing to care for your elderly parent and then have them bad-mouth you to others.
If it helps to know that you aren't alone, then please know you aren't.

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Reply to TRinTexas

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I really feel your frustration. It helps a bit that we are not alone. My mum hates to feel dependent so she takes it out on me. I live with her and work for myself but she tells people I am unemployed and living off her (everyone who knows me knows this is not true as I work for myself and am I gave up my apartment to move home to live with her). It is affecting my work because she gets passive-aggressive when I need to meet clients, and I lost out on opportunities to progress my career because I am just not available. When I want to meet a client or friend she creates a drama (it's always an emergency). Yesterday I spent the whole day driving her around to appointments and Christmas shopping, then came home and dealt with her tax, banking and other things that demand a lot of my time. After a draining day and evening (for me) I found her in the living room with the lights off, telling me she had "A horrible day". I said I'm sorry you had a horrible day and agreed it was stressful but at least we got things done. She said I made her stressed by walking in front of her (I had to run ahead of her to the car with a heavy load of shopping instead of walking slowly beside her, because it was killing my back). She didn't like a jumper I ordered her because it was Size XL (she is in denial about her weight). She asked me to cook for her, then complained about the food (an omelette). Her cup of tea was too hot and there wasn't enough milk in it. She told me she has told other people how miserable her life is. She has made enemies all over the community because of her sharp tongue, but she tells me they are all her friends. I think what triggered her bad mood yesterday was seeing some of the neighbours greeting me because I am on friendly terms with them.

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Oh my daddy did the same. He did it in front of me! I would take him to doctor appointments and he would complain to the people in the waiting room of what a bad daughter I was. I was mean, terrible and lousy! I would just look at them and point my finger to my head and they would just listen to him and look at me and nod their head in understanding. If these people are giving you uglies then they are not understanding. Remember you are doing your best and remind these people that your dad has dementia. I love my daddy still even though he is gone I know it was the disease and not the true way he felt. My mama was the same, she was mean at the end but I know she loved me with all her heart! I miss them so much right now!

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Reply to Ohwow323

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I know how you feel. I miss my parents
very much. More so this time of the year.

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Hello, I was so pleased to see this situation and all the replies. It is exactly what I am going thru with my 94 year old mom. She spews negative sayings about and to me. I am the bad daughter, I made her move to AL after dad passed (4 yrs ago), I am POA and co-Trustee on the Trust (thank you dad, you were always wiser than she) yet I took her money (no I invest and manage it wisely for her so she can live comfortably in good homes), and is so negative and narcissistic to my sister and I. I have called her out on numerous occasions yet she lies and denies things. I have seen how other residents look at me so I know she has said all bad things about me to them.
Thanksgiving at my home was the tip of the iceberg, as within 10 minutes of her arrival she showed her true colors by telling my family and grandsons how I took her house away from her, placed her into a (high end) AL facility, and took her money. My husband told her that he’d put her butt back into the car and take her home if she didn’t stop talking about his wife like that! Lastly, when I took her to a medical appt, she spurted out that she would forever haunt me and hoped I’d end up like her.
She causes me angst and I have come to despise her. I do not pick up the phone on every call, nor do I go see her unless she has an appt. I have a very supportive spouse and sister but we are so tired of her behavior, narcissistic attitude, and the fact she has created a toxic environment in our lives, and in the care home she is at. Next step is a mental health evaluation for her and adjusting her meds as what she’s taking isn’t working. And if that doesn’t work, she will be asked to move from her current care home.
I will also be talking with my doctor for guidance, I need to take care of ME!
I wish you the best, please know that you are not alone in this journey. This blog has been forever helpful to me in realizing I’m not the only one going thru hell with my parent. Hugs

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Reply to Gabby2022

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I’m so sorry, Gabby2022… I so fully understand what you’re going through. Almost a mirror image going on in our lives, your choice of my go-to word “toxic” made me reply.
A year ago we moved cross country to be closer to my son’s family who had offered help. Sold two family homes and bought one that we could share - so we would be available to help parents. Partner is ret RN, and our being readily available seemed a kind solution to ease them through the twilight of their lives (86 & 88yo) in a kind and gentle manner.
Dad had been diagnosed w MCI about 5 years ago, he was a brilliant engineer with a gift for conversation and a lifetime of always putting others first. But as he declined we began to see that mom wasn’t helping him (denial of his condition). Our move made her condition surface, and after a long wait to be seen by a neurologist, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Not too sure where she is on the timeline of decline - but - she refuses to accept diagnosis.

this last week we finally made the decision to move them both to a memory unit - as he is req more care than we are able to provide and she is always overwhelmed, threatening suicide.
My heart aches, and it all just seems so cruel… but I’m not the first to face this and we will get through it.

I have on occasion told her that while she says hateful things, she forgets them quickly - but they echo in our minds… so no - the day after a verbal attack, we don’t feel we want to be your close friend. I have not learned that ability to provide unconditional love to her when I see how poorly she treats her husband of 67 years.

I have recently petitioned for guardianship, and hear her tell my father “look what she’s done to us.” I calmly tell her I didn’t do it TO you, I did it FOR you. I am accused of stealing all their money and I say I am the steward over their money and am here to make sure they have what they need and are safe. Caring for my parents has truly been the hardest job I could’ve ever imagined… and having one who verbally disparages me to everyone she can just makes it more difficult.

“no good deed goes unpunished”

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Sticks and stones and ...........etc.
.......................Jeez! Let it go!
This is silly..

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Reply to Pyrite

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Pyrite, it may be silly to you, but it is real to many of us. This blog helps others offer advice and vent their situation. Please understand and empathize those of us charting these waters. 💕

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Faithful, I would straight out tell your dad, I am going to be providing the exact amount of help you have been telling people I do, which is none. Good luck, love you, hope these people step up and give you what you need, because I am done.

You do NOT have to be his answer, you have choices and you matter too.

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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

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I'm sure my mother has talked about me; my cousin quit talking to me and there's no other reason that would happen other than my mother slandering me. My mother ALSO talked about my own HUSBAND - TO ME - complaining that he didn't do enough for her, or what he did wasn't right, blah blah blah.....nothing was ever good enough. The man worked like a dog trying to help her and all he got was abuse. He mowed her yard every Friday morning; she told me herself that he only mowed one time in 4 months. Nasty. I can't even tell you how disgusting this is. The entitlement is off the charts. She worked her own brother like a dog because she had no one else. He's been gone for a long time. You would think she would appreciate someone helping her - but oh hell no, not a chance. She can kiss my a**. Four months of it was all I could take. It's literalily unbelievable.

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Reply to FallingWaters

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My mother 97, with dementia, called friends out of the country and told them I took all of her money and bought a house in Florida. On Thanksgiving day she told the nurse at her assisted living that I was after her and had pushed her down. Those are only the things I know of. Yes, it hurts. I try to consider the dementia but it still hurts.
We can only do our best and try to ignore outsiders who don’t understand.
Keep up the good work.

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Reply to jbramwell

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I have been the primary person to care for my parent’s needs. They do require caregivers in the home to provide basic needs. I have handled everything else for the last five years. They are in their 90’s and both have dementia. It is only my mother who will talk negatively about me.
I have been told it is very common for people to speak badly about the primary person who handles their affairs. I think they resent not being able to take care of their business any more. Especially if one of their children takes over,
I always hope the people she talks to understand and don’t believe her. I believe actions speak louder than words. We can’t control what our loved ones say about us, so we need to prove them wrong. It is upsetting and hurtful but I don’t think there is much we can do about it. It’s part of the condition of being elderly. Basically, they have lost control of their lives and need to blame someone.
That’s us!

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Reply to klhsho

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Both of my parents did this to me from time to time. The other siblings got talked about at times too. My father got worse when he got older with this nonsense. It seemed like he was going to out live all of us indefinitely. LOL. When he passed, I was like good riddance. Later followed by grief and such. I think I was grieving the last thirty something years that were lost between us and the family. After my mother died, it seemed like all of us sibs went our separate ways.

I'm sorry to say, but there is not much you can do with the elderly and their perception of pure nonsense. I found out that trying to correct the behavior is a waste of time and only made me more upset especially when dealing with someone super old and up in years. Put up boundaries. Lessen visits when you need to.

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Reply to Scampie1

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My aunt would talk negatively to me and her neighbor about my cousin. I knew it would be a matter of time before it was my turn. Yes.

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Reply to Tiredniece23

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@Tiredniece.. I know that the mind changes with age but to paint a negative picture of someone who has tried to do nothing but help you is wrong.

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Anyone experienced an elderly parent talking about them to other people?

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