My sibling and I have already decided not to have a public funeral for our father when he eventually passes. He basically has no friends still living. His remaining siblings no longer visit or call him because they are mad at him for one reason or another. And the list of reasons why not to have a funeral goes on and on. My sibling and I just can't see the point in having a public funeral for our father when we don't think many people would attend. And those who might show up, we don't want to be forced to put a smile on our faces when they say "your dad was a wonderful guy" blah, blah, blah. In all honesty, my sibling and I are angry with our father for treating us the way he has over the years and especially the past few years after his mild stroke. I feel like dad's siblings might be mad at us for not having a funeral (if they are still living when dad passes) but I don't really care if they are mad. Does anyone else feel this way?
I can’t see spending $1600 here for me to say goodbye with a pastor
If family wants all the bells and whistles they need to ante up.
hugs to you.
V.
During the summer, a Mass in honor of LO and her 4 wonderful sisters.
As Dad's closest relatives you choose, without guilt.
You can have a 'celebrate his life' gathering later, at a restaurant, inviting who you want. It's all up to you. There is no obligation. Maybe his siblings want to host a memorial.
I no longer attend funerals at all. That is my decision, and never had any regrets.
Our decision is two-fold. Like you, much of FIL's circle of friends are already gone - he has outlived the vast majority of them. And the ones that he has not outlived he has systematically alienated in some form or fashion over the years. (Please note that FIL is a raging abusive narcissist) He has a friend or two here or there - but I don't know if they are really friends or just feel sorry for him - to be fair. They don't visit him now that he is homebound. They will answer the phone if he calls but that is pretty much the extent. He will make overtures of "let's get together for dinner, my treat" and they will change the subject. He has one sibling left, many states away, who did not travel to our state for their other sibling's funeral (they were able to "attend" virtually). They are in less than great health themselves and would not be able to travel. He stopped attending church many years ago due to some perceived slight or another.
So the circle that would attend would be very small to begin with.
And second, like you - the few remaining barnacles....I'm sorry...I mean people that would attend besides immediate family - have never seen through the carefully created image he has cultivated for himself and think the sun rises and sets in him. They never suffered the abuse that my DH and his sister did. Or continue to deal with even now. So they would be very much the "your dad was a wonderful guy, you were so lucky to have him" and like you, we are not sure we want to deal with it.
My DH and his sister were also - quite interestingly enough - raised by their parents to absolutely DETEST funerals. Their mom hated them. And their dad quite literally made every one he ever attended all about him as far back as they can remember. They both have a huge amount of anxiety when they have to attend any funeral. In fact, it has been almost comical that people thought BIL and I were each other's spouses at several funerals in years past because DH and SIL would stay in the back and BIL and I would go through the receiving line and share our regrets with the family - that is how bad their anxiety is - they had horrible experiences with funerals as children. They have managed to soldier their way through family funerals but it quite honestly takes a lot out of them. Their mom's was very hard on them.
So when we were talking about FIL's planning - and COVID was such a big deal at the time - we just decided we didn't really need to do anything if we didn't expressly want to. We could do a private family burial, say a prayer and call it done. And now that COVID restrictions have lifted, we still agree that is what we want to do. Period.
It took a little bit of time to get beyond the "propriety" of it all. We are from the South and were raised in church, so that combination kind of implies that a funeral is required. But after a while, we just decided there are so few people that would really care that are left that it was worth the risk when the time comes. And funerals are for the living. And we are the ones that have invested the most time and energy into him. So that's how it will be!
it’s just me ,
my mom is being laid to rest in another state with her husband. In that state, all that remains is 2 sisters and a BIL. My mom is on the brink of Medicaid. There is not money for a funeral.
its conflicting for sure, and maybe I will change my mind. But I can’t justify $1600 for a 15 minute prayer service for myself, my husband and 2 adult children..
I won’t fly out of state to lay her to rest … hotel , car rental, air fare .
I have a friend telling me it’s all just wrong not to have a service…
(analog age),a friends father died unexpectedly. They were understandably overwrought with grief. His funeral costs were over 16,000.00.
So every month there was a horrible reminder in the mail in the form of a bill. It was years before the balance was paid. I am sure your friend means well but don't let anyone tell you how to spend your money or what you can afford.
I had a family only viewing so my mom could say goodbye to my dad died simply because he was in an SNF for rehab when he died and she wasn't able to visit him. My mom died at home (her choice) on a Sunday and my son found 'cremations-r-us' and for an extra $100 (since it was Sunday) we got a pickup that night.
If your dad's siblings want a funeral, they can make the arrangements and pay for it. A funeral given out of obligation is like getting flowers on Valentine's day from a husband who despises you, yet knows flowers are expected. It's NOT the thought that counts here. You and your sib do what works best for you and the heck with everyone else.
If you feel bad for Dad's siblings, have a nice get together some time after things settle. Let them know you will do so. Who knows, they may say "Don't BOTHER" and then you won't have to bother.
Our parents both have had poor health, and been diagnosed with dementia several years ago. I have a kinda good idea what my parents want, but they mostly share the personal stuff, with the youngest of four daughters. I’ll be honest, I just hope mom doesn’t want me to sing Elvis Presley’s “Into the Garden”, with my three younger sisters, on the church stage, cause I’ll have to decline. It never was my church, and I’ll attend, but not doing that. It would be difficult to be in the same place, as the third down hateful sister, too. This is very hard on families, dementia, poor health and trying to avoid sibling wars, even when well provoked, trying to stay calm, adult, is hard. I’ve learned to walk away, silently with the hateful sister, do my best to communicate with the caregiving sister, and rely on the sister, very close in age and family experience, to help keep me sane. When my parent’s time comes, I’ll thank God for taking them home, hopefully very close together, and thank my parents, for the best childhood ever imaginable, even the parts I didn’t like.
It sucks when parents only bother to tell one child all their business, the one that never moved out of the family home, is POA, and fully in charge of our parents. It’s complicated. But I accepted long ago it is their thing, don’t rock the boat. We do things very differently with our two kids, and their SO’s. We communicate with ALL of them. Our kids BOTH know our wishes and are equally included in our plans.
Do your best to give your parents the best good bye you can, for your own selves. Don’t worry about the people that did not show up, but remember…..sometimes people are not made to feel welcome. Sometimes there is more to that story of “nobody was there for me and mine”. Sometimes one person wants to be “everything” for their parents, and fighting against that is tough, especially if the parents just want the care, from that one person, too. I found it better to accept what my parents want, be peaceful. One day at a time. It’s hard. (My sister knows I’m here, when she needs to reach out for help….)Take care.
When Mum goes I will have a service at her Church, just as we did when my step dad died.
For Dad's 90th birthday my brother hosted a catered birthday lunch at a community hall. We had over 100 guests including students he taught 50 years before. Dad is 93 now and very frail. I am glad we were able to host that party prior to Covid restrictions.
Grandma1954, I have found over the years that there are people who make an impact on our lives, yet their family may never know what it was. Going to the funeral is a way of honouring the person they were.
When my great Aunty Jessie died, I had not seen her in decades. She had been moved by her family away from my community. When the memorial service was held for her, people were asked to share a story. I shared my story about baking birthday cakes for my grandmother (not her sister, other side of the family), every July. None of her kids, nor grandchildren knew that story.
Yes, she died after suffering from dementia and being bed ridden for years, but before that she was quite a wonderful woman who baked cakes with a little girl. She actually taught me to love baking.
If Dad has money put aside for his burial than go thru the coffin and stuff. You can do a graveside service and those who want to come can. You can offer a luncheon if you want or you and sister can go out just yourselves or not at all. If there is not that much money, then cremate him. Then do what you want. I would not tell anyone what you plan on doing before hand. When the time comes, just tell those that matter that Dad passed. I have seen very short obits where it just says so and so passed.
I personally can't justify spending thousands of dollars to have a funeral anymore, when I think of all that can be done to help others with that money.
And besides like it's already been said, a funeral is just for the living and not the dead, so you do what is best for you and your siblings and don't worry about what the rest of the family thinks or says.
that's on them not you. In my family the oldies are old and friends have passed away there aren't a lot of people to invite now so when the time comes there will even less people to invite. So after the funerals that my parents have already planned and payed for I am going to have a private family dinner at a restaurant
in the county that I live in. It has a spectacular view and is very "old school".
It will probably just be the hubs and me.
As his children, *YOU* get to decide what kind of funeral - if any!! - to have for dad. If his distant relatives have that much of a problem with you choosing to not have one for dad, well, I guess they'll just have to get over it, won't they? I mean, they always have the option of arranging one themselves, but I have discovered that the people who would give you the most grief (no pun intended) about not doing the "right" kind of funeral are the last ones who would be willing to spend one penny and/or one millisecond planning it themselves. No, they'd rather try and lay on a guilt trip where you arrange the funeral so they can come to the event and look "properly tragic".
Even *if* your dad had been the most happy-go-lucky, easygoing type of father, that still wouldn't oblige you to having a funeral if you and your brother didn't want one for him. And you know what else? You don't owe *anyone* an explanation of why you and your brother make the choices that you do in regard to any sort of service once dad passes. I think it's a highly personal decision, and for anyone to question it or criticize it is beyond tasteless.
(((hugs)))
Personally once I am in that box I do not particularly care what the family does.
I would much rather they and friends visit me while I can still enjoy their company. I would actually prefer that anything that would be spent on a funeral be used to pay someone to come in a deep clean the house so it can be sold then family and friends can have a party with what little bit might be left.
I will say I had no idea what my Husband would have wanted because he refused to talk about things like this. I mentioned once to his sister that I would probably have him cremated and she told me that he always said he wanted to be buried next to his mom. So that is what I did. When I went to the funeral home and planned the funeral I said, 1 day wake and burial since I did not think anyone would come. I was actually blown away by the number of people that showed up, a few even flew in from across the country for just a few hours.
The thing that got me was...all these people are here now where were they the past 5 to 10 years?
Bottom line do what you and your immediate family wants to do.
She has no friends here, and the family are all just pleading with God to take her already. This dementia is just soooo hard to watch. She hates her life, and we hate it for her.
If there is any money left in her estate, I will use my portion for us all to go out to dinner and celebrate that her suffering is over. Please, God, make that sooner, rather than later.
Regarding your uncle being upset... If he's so concerned then he can come visit his brother while he's still alive.