Hubby and I have been married for over 50 years and in that time I know it was his job that was his priority, never me or my issues with family responsibilities, neither his side nor mine. I have been able through therapy to deal with this up until now! I have to love and take care of a man who I really have little compassion for, let alone love. He lies, is sneaky, calls me b*tch, and shows very little gratitude for what both me and my son are trying to do for him. He never ever got involved with family issues or raising my son. It was all left to me to do everything while he stood on the sidelines. And now I am so resentful I find myself just not wanting to deal with him at all, escaping to my bedroom. I have even thought of taking my dog and running away.
My house which I used to be so proud of now has gates, locks, hiding places for my stuff which he cannot keep his hands off, losing kitchen utensils and having to replace them, ingratitude, and physical assaults on my son. I sometimes just want to throttle him because he has no concern whatsoever for anything or anybody. Given his lack of interest in anything but his job in the past has made me selfish, angry, resentful, and very capable of being without him. He has messed up our daily lives so much that knowing perhaps he cannot help matters, which I do not totally believe anymore, does not even matter anymore.
He has become someone I no longer want to deal with. Am I ashamed? Not really, I am human. I am very prone to chronic depression and am on antidepressants for the rest of my life. I have had to increase my intake of Xanax over the last month and my health is suffering because my conscience has been bothering me and I fear God will punish me although I believe he already is. He wants to do NOTHING but feed his face with anything in sight or he wants to lay down. He is totally capable of doing somethings to help himself but refuses to do so. He puts on a sad face and keeps answering I don’t know to just about every question we ask him and both me and my son no longer believe him. We have secretly observed him and have seen what he is capable of and we were shocked, surprised, and really, really angry! Believe me when I say he enjoys getting away with things but never ever admits to anything even when the evidence is still in his hands. We have become his fools!
SAFETY.
His safety, If he would not have been safe with me caring for him I would have to place him.
If I was not safe keeping him at home I would have to place him.
Safety is not just physical but mental/emotional safety as well.
If your husband is abusing you or your son in any way in my opinion that can not or should not continue. (It sounds like you put up with this for 50 years and I would guess there were many times in those 50 years you thought about running away...and many women did)
If your child were married to someone that treated them the way your husband treats you and your son what would you suggest that they do?
If there is any way that you can place him in Memory Care I would do it. Memory Care has staff that is trained to do what they do.
I suggest that you talk to an Attorney that specializes in Elder Care. They can guide you on the best possible route to take that will help both of you.
Have you talked to his doctor about medications for your husband that might help with his anxiety, agitation that might help both of you.
By the way the Serenity Prayer helped me quite often.
If your problem is money, call and make an appointment with your County Social Service Office and speak to someone in your Medicaid Dept. You may be able to become the Community spouse. Your income and assets will be looked at. I use my GFs parents as an example.
Dad needed nursing care. They had 60k in the bank, SS and pensions. The 60k was split 50/50. Not sure how SS was split and pensions but the Mother never seemed to have any money problems. She stayed in the house and got the car. Dads half of the 30k had to be spent down and then Medicaid took over.
Medicaid basically pays for a Nursing home. Which would be your best choice. Because...all your husbands needs will be met. Unlike an AL where you still have to supply personal items. Take him to appts. With Longterm care, they get 3 meals a day, Depends if needed toiletries. You can use the facilities doctor. Medicaid pays for vision and Dental and those Drs come to the facility. Podiatrist will come too. Laundry is done. Medicaid provides transportation if he needs to be sent out to a doctor. Out of the SS used to offset his care, he will get a personal needs allowance. In my state its $50 a month. This is for personal things that are not supplied. Once you place him, you never have to see him again.
If he ever strikes you or your son, call the police and tell them he cannot return because you are afraid of your safety. He should be evaluated and from there you can place him. Another scenario is he is hospitalized and sent to rehab. While there, have him evaluated for LTC. Hopefully, the rehab has a nursing home section and it will be an easy transfer. In both these instances refuse to take him home.
Once you can place him, a burden will be lifted off your shoulders. You may find you don't need depression meds anymore or less of them. You need to do this for you. It may help to seek a lawyers help. One who knows Medicaid.
I'd try to understand the reality of dementia and how it robs the person of their free will to act in normal ways. I'd explore medication for your DH if he is suffering from anxiety or having mood issues. Often the person with dementia is not capable of showing appreciation. They lie and don't even know it. They may seem manipulative, but, it's not intentional. Depending on the degree of progression, you really do have to doubt anything a PWD tells you. Because, they may totally believe what they say, but, it's due to a false memory or a delusion. It's a difficult adjustment to accept the person is no longer the person they were before dementia.
But, the biggest thing you state is there are physical assaults against your son. I have no idea how old he is, but, it's not acceptable. I'd contact an attorney or APS to get advice on how to get protection immediately. You can also call the Alzheimers Association helpline at 1-800-272-3900 for assistance. In the meantime, remove all weapons and sharp objects from the home. People with dementia act in ways that are not consistent with who they were before. I'd devise a safety plan immediately, even if you think you won't need it. Even though the courts are closed in some places, there are always ways to get protection from violence.