Anyone else feel obsessed with knowing how much time their loved one has left?

Before the plague hit, I worked as a receptionist in a Memory Care home. One Sunday, the Catholic Deacon came in to hand out communion to those residents who wanted it, and he & I got to talking. Both of our mothers reside in Memory Care, both with dementia, and both in their 90s. The Deacon told me something profound: he said he prays every single day for his mother to die. Because then, she will be with God and OUT of the constant misery she's in, suffering with falls, dementia, incontinence, and a wide variety of other uncomfortable ailments. When she does pass, he is planning to rejoice and have a celebration because her suffering will be over with.

It is WE who go to all lengths to keep our loved ones alive, even after they're suffering reaches unbearable levels. It is WE who grieve the thought of them leaving us and forget the truth that their lives afterward will be far better than they are now. If you are a believer in God, then take solace in the fact that your mother will stop suffering once she does transition, and that she will be whole once again. Of course, your grief will be justified as nobody wants to say goodbye to a loved one.

I do believe you ARE grieving now for the mother you've already lost to the ravages of late stage dementia, which is a horrible affliction to witness and to suffer from. I recommend you read any of the wonderful books by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross you can find here:

https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBD_enUS896US896&sxsrf=ALeKk00Bq9DHsyydw_98K2BGYiuFX5YTFQ%3A1596400632537&ei=-CMnX66qIInPtQbwu7TAAw&q=kubler+ross+books&oq=kubler+ross+&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQARgEMgcIABCxAxBDMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAOgQIIxAnOgUIABCxAzoICAAQsQMQgwE6BAgAEAo6CwguEMcBEKMCEJECOgoIABCxAxAKEJECOgsILhCxAxDHARCjAjoICC4QsQMQgwE6BQguELEDOgcILhBDEJMCOgcILhCxAxBDOgQILhBDOggILhDHARCvAToECAAQQzoCCC46CgguELEDEEMQkwJQqA1YuCpgwDxoAHAAeACAAdoBiAGIDpIBBjAuMTIuMZgBAKABAaoBB2d3cy13aXrAAQE&sclient=psy-ab

Pick one that interests you, as they're all good, informative and comforting.


Sending you a big hug & prayer for peace as you face this difficult phase in the journey of life.

Thank you to everyone for your answers. My mom has vascular dementia and I too am not ready for her to go. She has fallen 24 times in assisted living and I have been thinking about hospice. My mom is my best friend and not being able to see her every day just kills me. The thought of her leaving me scares me. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough. Maybe all the grieving I am doing now will ease things. She is such a strong woman. If I can be half as strong I’m sure I’ll be fine. My moms 84 birthday is coming in a week and we are only allowed 2 visitors for 45 minutes. My heart goes out to everyone on this site.

((((((((hugs)))))))))). This is such an incredibly painful part of our parents' journey.

Does your mom have an advanced directive? Is she on hospice?

Scorris, falling in line right behind you! Honestly, I have had these exact thoughts myself so many times and it's a comfort to know someone else does too. I often wonder how much time my grandmother has left, which is why every night at bedtime I tell her how much I love her and how wonderful she has been to me, how grateful I am for her, etc. I has been painful for me emotionally to watch my grandparents decline like this. Sometimes I too think that dying would be better than suffering like this.

Oh, I did. And had so many fears around it. 2 years ago I had not seen my bro for about 3 years. He was living in the middle of the desert sans airplanes. Moved back to civilization and I went to visit, we was then about 81, and I was shocked. He was so fragile and had lost weight, was so bad on his feet. When I came home I told my partner "I have spent years afraid my bro would die; now I am almost afraid he will NOT". Only about 3 months later he had a bad car accident and was diagnosed with a probable early Lewy's Dementia and a brain tumor on the medulla, either of which or both destroying his balance. So methodical and organized and independent was he that I dreaded everything to come. He put me in charge as POA and of his Trust. Moved to AL. And we visited about it all, about his diagnosis, the future, and etc. We were both worried he would have to go into that "good night" longer than he wanted. I was very afraid for him. He was afraid for himself; for what would happen if I died and he was alone--who would handle things. We had been Hansel and Greta through the forests of our lives ALL of our lives. When he died this last May of something unrelated my best friend was taken from me; one I had had since birth. But I will tell you the honest truth: Much as I miss him every day I am no longer afraid for him. And he no longer has to suffer or be afraid. I carry him with me, I write him in a journal and decorate it, I long to share all we shared. But I am no longer afraid for him. That, quite honestly, means the world to me. I am so sorry for the uncertainty and fear for you, and I know how that feels.

Scorris, I’m sorry for your situation and how you feel. However, please try to avoid making it worse for yourself. “Not being able to see her every day just kills me. The thought of her leaving me scares me. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough.” This is a long way over the top for something you cannot control and have to survive, and repeating it to yourself is not in anyone’s interests. Whether or not you are “ready for her to go” makes no difference at all.

Knowing that death is coming, but not knowing when, often turns life on its head. Taking time from work, leaving family behind somewhere else, and many other practical issues, are all very hard to handle, and the grief that goes along with it makes everything worse. Doing it well takes a lot of self control.

Please care for and about both your mother, yourself and others who depend on you. Lots of love in a difficult time, Margaret

Scorris, I think your anxiety about your mother has been made much worse by the COVID 19 crisis. We have all been thrust into an unprecedented situation. Even those with no such worries about elderly parents are finding themselves uncertain and anxious about what the future holds. As others have said, you are probably also feeling anticipatory grief, which can be a normal but upsetting response to seeing your mother at this stage in her life. Try to accept how you feel for now - it’s good that you’ve recognised this anxiety and have spoken out about it. When the anxiety kicks in, it can be useful to take yourself to a quite place in your home and do some mindfulness and breathing exercises, which you should be able to find online. I found these useful for the acute anxiety I felt when my father was dying, and again at the start of COVID 19 lockdown when I felt we were in a living nightmare. It helped me find some peace at some point each day, which is what you need right now in order to look after your own health.

Yes - I do as well. For so many reasons I just want my mother to have a peaceful passing. She has no quality of life, she’s in physical pain all the time, she has dementia that is worsening, she’s has hallucinations that scare her, she has lost the ability to do anything she loves or even get herself to the bathroom. She lives in an ALF and visitors are not allowed. I recently put her on hospice due to major decline. When they call and say “no change” I feel disappointed. And one of my biggest fears is that she will run out of money and need to be placed in a Medicaid facility - beds are few and far between. My therapist keeps telling me that my thoughts of wanting this to end soon are normal. My anxiety is going through the roof! Just know you are not alone in feeling this way.

It became clear with my dad that he would only be at peace by dying. Yet I knew I’d never reach a place of feeling ready for him to go, I’d already been through losing my mom and knew though it was for the best with her also, I didn’t feel ready to not have her here any longer. It’s an odd place to be, knowing your parent is miserable and not wanting that life for them, yet not feeling ready to say goodbye. A friend told me that we don’t grieve for the person we lose, we only grieve for ourselves, for what we’ve lost. That’s proven very true. I wish both you and your mother peace

I think that maybe you're more ready for your mom to pass then you think you are.

Have you thought about getting some therapy since you're feeling this so strongly?

This COVID situation is beyond your control so try your best to accept it and don't be too hard on yourself.

Grieving as your mom is in late stage dementia is perfectly normal. You're losing her bit by bit and it's a loss at all the stages.