Is anyone else caring for their dying spouse?

Hi ArleneHutcheon,
Very good advice. I've done this before, but I tend to get snagged by wanting to finish what I'm doing or he hits a hot button issue and I respond back...and you see that I don't always do what you recommend.

Often I don't want to leave because I'm the one being punished by losing doing what I'm doing and he wins by "sending me away" out of the room. He's devious that way. So I've left the room and I was doing something there that I now have lost the privilege of doing. And he stays and gets to do what he wants without me there to defer to. If I'm in the middle of a project it's often hard to leave it and just go...I'm the one being punished. That's often the case.

I do get your point. I have become much stronger with this problem. I've had to distance myself so that his insults don't hurt as much because he's very cagey about trying to snag guilt and manipulate me. I think he could do it in his sleep because it's so ingrained. I can't let him control me. Thank you for your advice.

Coloresue, as one of my teachers said, "Reasons are only reasons." A reason is not a cause of a behavior. It sounds as if you have taken some steps to ensure your safety. I hope you have a lock on your bedroom door. Verbal abuse can escalate.

Hi Colorsue, thanks for your message. Remember you are not abandoning him, but the behaviour he exhibits. To a certain extent, it is not his fault. You are the closest person to him. As we say where I work, 'water off a ducks back', for our own sanity. Arlene Hutcheon

Yes, dragonbait, I have a locked door. I understand. You are wise in your advice.

Hi ArleneH.,
Yes, you are right, I just have to keep working at it.

My nephew, Jack Andraka who is a child prodigy, invented the test to detect for pancreatic cancer when he was 15. His product takes time to market. I'm sorry...three of my relatives deceased from pan can.

Llamalover, thank you.

Coloresue: You're welcome! He's pushing pharmaceutical companies to hurry along the patent process. Google "Just Jack" or "Jack Andraka.com.

Llamalover, thank you again. As you may know, brothers and sons of someone with pancreatic cancer have a 3x greater chance of getting the cancer than someone with no such relatives with the cancer. My husband has 2 brothers and 3 sons. So thank you very much and I hope this test is around soon.

Coloresue: Yes, I am totally aware of the genetic factors associated with pancreatic cancer. For myself, I am on the atypical five year protocol for a colonoscopy as I had one aunt who deceased from pancreatic and one who deceased from colon cancer. That said, I am not as at risk than if it were my parents who had those diseases. Nonetheless, I am proactive about my health. Through no fault of his own, my nephew can only push the big pharmaceuticals so much and his simple test is about 10 yrs from being marketed. I still urge you to research his story-Jack Andraka.

Llamalover, I guess you know that when a person gets pancreatic cancer at or over the age of 50 as my husband did, there is rarely a genetic connection per modern medicine at this time. My husband's testing was done anyway without us being told this in advance, or we would have cancelled it. He was found to have no genetic markers for pancreatic cancer. No surprise there.

The only definitive test for pan. cancer would be a CAT scan with radioactive dye and no Dr. would want to order this based on an unlikely chance that someone might have the cancer. No insurance company would foot the bill, either. Your nephew's test will be a welcome addition to the tools in the medical world's arsenal.

Llamalover, the story about the work your nephew has done is fantastic! How fortunate we all are to have this test coming! I'm sure you're very proud of him, and rightly so. A good ending for all of us.

Coloresue: In regard to genetics, I was simply talking about family risk factors and not genetic testing markers. Currently, once a person is diagnosed with pan can, it has already metastasized.

Coloresue: Indeed I am proud of my nephew. He has many balls into his juggling act of medical science. The perfect college for brilliant students like him is indeed Stanford. He is involved in STEM, ISEF and TED to name a few. Catch him on the internet.

Jack Andraka's test is ONLY test to detect for pan can.

I can so relate. I cared for my spouse who had Parkenson's and 3 different dementia for about 15 years. Back then this forum didn't exist it sure would 've helped. I think caring for a dying spouse is one of the hardest walks ever. It ripped my heart out and for me as he disappeared mentally and physically before me it was greiving anew every single day. 42 years that is really rough. Keep seeing your therapist. Reach out and see if there are any Life Coaches for Caregivers in your area who were former caregivers themselves because unless you've walked it you don't get it. I suspect it is his fear and his worry. It could be aggravated by the meds. But you are right!!! You are the one being left behind. It hurts. He needs to understand how you are feeling. My hubby was extremely abusive. Because of this website I have come to undetstand that my hubby's illnesses were behavioral variant. He literally was not who he was and the executive functions of mood and behavior and inhibitions were wiped out. To say his behavior was animalistic might be an understatement but it wasn't him. It was his illness. It was still wrong. He just didn't know and could not understand. Don't argue with him. When he starts have a plan, and tell him if he can understand that you love him. You are going thru this with him. And if he is abusive let him know you have something to do and do it without hesitation or reservation. If he is able to comprehend. Have a couple of hours to do something for you. Have lunch with friends. Go to church. That held me when I couldn't hold on. Research for support groups locally or online. That is very helpful. Taking care of a dying spouse is so very very hard. If you can afford it get someone to come in and help. The choice of people I had to select from sucked totally. Ask around your church or friends of your hubby or the kids to come spend sometime with him. But don't get your hopes up nobody would help me. The world changed. Reach out to other caregivers in your area and build a network of like we did with our kids for a Mommie's Morning Out. I found myself in love with the memory of who we were. Over a year now and I am still in love with the memory. God Bless You Dear One and your hubby. Give me a shout back if you like. If you have tried all if these things with no resolve please get back in touch with me. In my prayers...

UPDATE on my nephew, Jack Andraka. He is currently in his sophomore university at Stanford University. He has many ideas. His latest one in Nano robots, which can go into a person's body to detect for cancers. Nano robots are nothing that just came out today, 4/7/17.
However, he can and has invented many super things, but the stumbling block is the EXORBITANT clinical trials needed before his genius ideas can be marketed.