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My husband will probably die from pancreatic cancer within a year. He's already survived for more than 3.5 years which is quite long for this cancer. Now it's recurred and his chances aren't so good. It's true we never know, but this time feels very different. My gut tells me he won't beat it this time.


He takes his anger out on me which makes me angry at him. This may make it easier for me to let him go, but it's wrong for him to be verbally abusive and I resent it. I deserve to be treated better than this. I don't want to abandon him in these last stages of sickness because I've decided to stick to my marriage vows long before now.


I guess I'll have to walk out of the room or wherever I am more often and leave him wherever he is when he gets abusive. It's just harder when he's not well. I'll need to carry taxi money just in case as I have for years. What a story he'll tell if I have to leave him somewhere public!


Sometimes I feel like I'm falling and there's nothing below to catch me. A very frightening feeling. That's the feeling of the unknown...for me the unknown is having my spouse of 42 years die. Coping with the changes, with life after the changes. There will be some good freedoms and some bad times of missing the good things. I'll lean heavily on the Lord and others. It's a very good thing I already have an excellent counselor. I'm going to need her. I'm going to need a lot of people in so many ways. How about you?

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You may want to get a full understanding of pancreatic cancer, if you don't already. Sometimes I find that more I oration allows me to distant myself from the anger.
Now that your husband has reached the abusive stage, you need a short term and long term game plan for yourself. You need to squirrel away as much money for yourself as possible. If you don't have a separate checking account, then go to your bank and get one. If you get social security, then call up the SSA and divert your check into your new account. Add money to your account at every chance possible, even if it is $5 or $10. Also avoid any big expenditures if possible. Buy only what you truly need.
Does your husband have a current will? If so, find out it's provisions. Make sure your house is left to you along with funds to maintain it
Your taxi money is a wonderful strategy. But do you have safe place to go for an extended period if things became really bad with your husband? If not try to find one. Knowing you can escape to a safe place will help you cope.
You might to consult an attorney about a PoA or Power of Attorney in case your husband becomes unable to make decisions for himself. A POA is a powerful legal tool that allows the holder to pay bills and make other decisions. Most attorneys will give you a free hour long session.
Good luck and keep us posted. You definitely need someone who listens.
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I'm thankful for these post. My husband has Parkinson Dementia and has started to be verbal abusive. Thankfully we went to the doctor the other day and she prescribed Quetiapine. It makes him sleepy which I don't like, but at least he is not insulting. It's hard not to take it personally. I too just walk in the other room and have a good cry. It's awful when you are trying to do your best and then to be the object of their abusive thoughts. Yes I know it is the disease, but it is hard to separate that from the person. Thankfully I also have the Lord to talk to and I have a church family. God Bless You.
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A book that might help: Elder Rage: Take My Father, Please, by Jacqueline Marcell. I got it from my library. It has helped me deal with my mother's rages and helped me help my dad to deal with them. Mostly, I no longer feel like I'm the only one dealing with this issue.
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I can relate to your problem..My wife's stroke in 2005 left her unable to grasp certain things and she is sometimes very impatient...I have learned to blame it on her condition, not on her attitude. I just say, "Well, I did not know that bothered you..You know what a dummy I am...Please be patient while I try to understand again." ..She does not have cancer now, although once did. She cannot speak and her brain is highly damaged due to the stroke. I used to get mad in return, and no longer do...Frustrated, yes. Unlike your situation, she never becomes abusive. She is, however, very often frustrated because I cannot grasp what she means with her gestures and she lacks the capacity to understand the I cannot do so....

My God bless you in this very trying time of your life.

Bob
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Please try to remember that his anger is not about you. It's about him. Repeat this to yourself as often as necessary. And I think your plan to leave the room when he becomes abusive is a good one. Even walking away when in a public place would not be out of line. Know what you can do and what you can't, and let the rest go by. You have a lot to work with. Take care of yourself as you care for him.
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Just be with the dying person. He/she is much more upset than you are. The patient is losing life. (I know how angry with myself I get when I lose my car keys.)
Hard to ignore hurtful,even abusive talk. At this time, however, it is his/her anger that is being focused on you. Try to step back and let it be.This is only a stage in the dying process. Hopefully,you can forgive the patient; and forgive yourself for being upset,angry etc. We all tend to take things so personally and hurt ourselves. We humans are a funny bunch, aren't we? !!!
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My husband has dementia and we have been married for 41 years. I am his sole caregiver and he is a lot of work. He has also become very combative with me. He pushes means says very hurtful things. I know it is the disease but it is still hurtful. I also have decided to uphold my vows to take care of him. I do bring him to adult daycare but can only afford twice a month. I do a lot of praying and wish the Lord would take him. This is no way for anyone to live and I feel very alone.
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My husband also had a rare sarcoma in his pancreas, but Mayo surgeons cut most of it with the spleen, so he's over that. However, pancreatic cancer does not have a great success rate. The emotional outbursts can be reduced with medication and if he is taking medication for the cancer, these could also be causing the side effects. Talk to his doctor. Tell your husband what you have told us. Be honest and tell him how his behavior is affecting you. He might be trying to get you so angry at him, you will not miss him when he is gone. It reminds me of my husband who would start a fight on the way to the airport before he had to go on a trip (he was a pilot), so he would not miss me so much and he could then write me letters telling me how much he loved me. Once I figured out what he was doing, those arguments stopped. So talk with him. He also is scared of dying and just reassure him you will stick by him until the end.
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God. Is this what I will have to face? A hostile 200 + pound man? I have worked and slaved all my life for this man. If he's dying alone in his man cave upstairs (no friends. no relatives. no support system) I will have to call in caregivers because I am 65, in poor health, and cannot do it all myself. I will put him in a hospice or nursing home tout de suite. He would CERTAINLY do the same for me. I have been unconscious on the floor from illness, and he just stepped over me, "thought you were sleeping, what's for DINNER?'....Dinner. Go to Downton Abbey for 'Dinner."
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My Mom was told they will take their anger on a loved one. I know that they are facing death and it has to be scary. Me, I, I grew up with a man who did nothing but hollar and as the oldest I got the brunt and made to feel it was always my fault when something happened to the other kids. So, I can understand the anger but don't think we have to continually take it. Now I haven't had to take care of a terminal person but...can u talk to him. Explain that u love him but...you asre not going to take his abuse. That you r there for him. You would like whatever time you have to be a good memory not a bad one. Tell him the next time he is abusive you will walk out no matter what you are doing for him at the time. If its in public, u will leave him. Not that thingswill be perfect but you have put it out there.
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