Is there anyone else dreading spending Christmas with a sibling or siblings?

Sally, you don't have to tolerate your sister's criticism. If you're not comfortable confronting her, send her an e-mail and explain that her criticism is affecting you and until she reassesses her attitude, you feel it would be better if she doesn't come for Christmas.

Or if you allow her to come and she starts in, tell her"

(a) This is a holiday season and you would prefer that she restrain herself so that what family still gets together can enjoy themselves.

(b) If she feels you're such a poor caregiver, why doesn't SHE take over your mother's care?

To have to have a friend to protect you suggests to me that this sister has been overbearing and intimidating you for a long time. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you've tolerated it, and why she does it?

But find a way to explain to your mother first that you're going to stand up to your sister so she isn't upset by the confrontation, which should as much as possible be done so that your mother isn't present at the time.

Or make a joke of it. Set out a jar and tell her that every time she criticizes you she needs to insert a dollar bill in the jar.

I'm a big advocate of "put up or shut up."

I'm the only kid left in my family. Brother and sister died 3 and 6 years ago. I'm dealing with parents issues from far away. I hated holidays with my family. My sibs lives were 20 year long, slow motion train wrecks. It was horrible to go home and have to deal with the latest nutso crap. My wife and I would stay in a motel, spend the obligatory time with my family then get the hell out.

I'm sure you and I are not alone. I bet this thread will get busy fast.

I'm dreading it. I wish we could just have a quiet Christmas but instead my inlaws want to schlep to three Christmas parties.

Windy - I like the suggestion of emailing your sister and telling her in advance that you will NOT engage her criticisms at Christmas and if she can't be civil then she should find somewhere else to go.

I hate all the stress that Christmas brings out in adults. I wish we could stop pretending that our families are like a Currier & Ives Christmas card.

My traditions are almost gone. I can't remember the last time I went to Midnight Mass.

No prayer was said before the meal. No thanks given for those who gathered. The "it's all about the children" has been taken too far. Last year we stood around watching all the kids open up a ridiculous number of presents. It was as if the point of the gathering was to watch the kids tear into presents like a lion into a gazelle. Ugh. I wish it were over already.

While my relationship with my two brothers is dysfunctional at best - we are honest enough to admit we would rather not spend the holiday together. Christmas cards sent by mail is as good as it gets for us!

I've not enjoyed Christmas since I was a child. Mainly it meant traveling long miles to get home to be with parents who didn't really seem to want us there. My father was as warm as a lobster. My mother put on a fake act for a couple of hours. She made way too much food. 3-4 hours after arriving, it was like getting pushed out the door to go to our hotels. Dad kept checking his blood pressure and Mom set and talked about superficial things and how tired she was. Soon everyone was gone.

There didn't seem to be much point in this, especially when it meant traveling halfway across the country. My brother quit doing it. My mother, however, would chew the guilt in if I didn't come. I hated that, because really the only reason to come was so she could feel like she'd done Christmas. Whoever showed up would eat, then she would give us each a check so we could buy ourselves something, and soon we would leave.

I love the reason for the season, but I dislike the phony stuff that goes on. The family is like a group of polite strangers doing something that they feel like they ought to do... or face the wrath and hurt feelings of Mom. (And that is how I really feel. Making cookies and candies for others makes it a lot better, which is what I'm doing now.)

I was going to say 'yes I am dreading it - so I'm not going.' But now I realise that your sister is coming to your house, presumably in principle to spend the holiday with your mother, and therefore you don't have the same option of just saying 'thanks but no thanks.'

I'm so, so sorry for you, and I completely sympathise. Laying down ground rules in advance is a very good idea, I agree, but if your family dynamics are anything like mine even doing that would set the cat among the pigeons, no matter how diplomatically you put it. Although I know, rationally, that my sister never intended to stress me out she invariably did so; and all I can do, again, is sympathise with how wearying and miserable it is to fend off the constant stream of flat contradictions, audible holding of breath, pointless second-guessing and only-trying-to-help suggestions - usually ones that are an astonishing insult to one's intelligence... Ah. I'm not going to be cheering you up much, here, am I?!

Well. Having your friend with you sounds like a great idea - be sure to delegate to her the task of keeping your sister's attention engaged throughout. Tell her not to try to intervene directly, but to divert your sister and keep her entertained (and thereby out of your face).

The key difference for me is that I always did find my siblings a bit of an ordeal, so at least I don't feel I've lost anything I valued. I'm sorry you have the additional sadness. All I can say is that perhaps, as time goes on and circumstances shift once more, you will all find each other again.

Keep one special foodie treat by to reward yourself once it's all over! And finally, a precious thought from my own dear sister, which should tell you what kind of vibe she tends to give off, and I quote: "nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be."

I wonder how many people/families, whether caregiving is involved or not, have reached the point of going through the motions of Christmas get-togethers "just because" but really would rather be doing something else.

I always hated the pressure to decorate, spend, buy, and do all the things that have become tradition, again "just because" it happened that way.

I really feel people should just spend any holiday the way they want...kicking back, shoes off, chilling out, doing nothing if they wanted to. Is it really as enjoyable when people feel they "have to do it" just b/c it's a tradition?

Of course, there's the intense marketing and the probably millions of dollars made from people who do adhere to the well developed social traditions. Retailers benefit perhaps more than some people.

We like our families but hated the stress - so made some changes 5 years ago. 1) We have an extended family Christmas on a day other than the 24th or 25th. Then my husband, son and I can do our traditions - mass on Christmas eve and Christmas day (my 7 year old loves both), tree and music, enjoying the magic of Christmas. Every year we get criticized for it - but it makes us happy - the selfish young people we are 2) for the extended family Christmas which also involves driving 4 hours each way - we bring pot luck so no one has to do all of the cooking 3) only kids get gifts and it is a gift exchange - so they get 2 - 1 from another child and 1 from Grandma/Grandpa - really eliminated the gift feeding frenzy 4) we do some fun games so that we are not all sitting around in a post dinner stupor waiting to go home

Bottom line - if it isn't working for YOU - make your own traditions. Who says extended family Christmases have to be on the 24th or 25th? All of our elders grumble but remember what it was like when they had to be schlepping kids around on the holiday - some whine about being alone, some volunteer with those truly alone

it was only after I turned 42 that I started setting boundaries and doing what works for my little family OVER sacrificing for our elders.

I am already in a foul mood for Christmas anyway and reading that a sibling, who does nothing, would have the nerve to criticize makes me spit tacks... Wonder what would happen if you agreed with everything that she says and then said, ' well, I guess Mom will be coming to live with YOU then?"
Bet that would shut her up.
At least you have a friend to back you up. Maybe, at some point, your friend could say, 'wow, your mom looks REALLY TIRED - so I think we should wrap everything up. Don't you agree, (sister)? ' Then, usher her out of the door!

My dad passed away in February. My sister in Fla is a total b******. ALL she ever wanted is to take from my mom while my dad was in the hospital. My bro lives near us and he barely comes and sees my mother. Last week my mothers house had a plumbing problem. Sure he came to take a look. But did not even go in here family room to say hi to her. If it werent for my two adult sons and I, she would have no one. And she is a handful. He will come for xmas day for about a half hour. Seriously? Why even bother. He has not came for a holiday meal in about five years. If I stand up to him, like I need to he will come back verbally hurtful. He is financially set in life and I really believe that is all he cares about. I could never grieve with him, so I also went from my fathers death to right away taking care of my mom. A week before xmas and he could not even help me with my moms plumbing. I make up excuses to my mother about him or distract her from him hardly ever coming over. I have started to make somethings for xmas eve today. And my sons and I wish it could be just us and my mother. To him, I believe, its a quick "have to" visit.All of us caregivers need to focus on the ones we are closest to.

I don't spend Christmas with my sister because she thinks I am the rude one. She could be writing all this. But if she were to examine what is really going on, she would know that I am a nice person.

My bro doesnt even care to know whats going on. And I believe he is glad he doesnt have to deal with it. My fathers last three birthdays at home(nov 15) my bro would just wait for his 30 minute thanksgiving visit to bring my father a card. I ALWAYS made dad a cake. Thats what he wanted. Even if it came out lopsided. My brothers "family" includes hus wife and his bank account. Could you imagine not even bringing your parents a gift? My brother has the things he has because of my dad.My dad got him into Chryslers as an electician 20 years ago

Sally, Do you typically say a prayer or blessing before you sit down at your holiday table? If so, now is your time to humbly ask (outloud for all to hear) for a day of pleasant togetherness and a day of positive fellowship?

Then as the meal and day progresses.....if you get a verbal put down, you can ask your sister why she cannot honor your meal and your home with pleasantness and positivity.

Why oh why cannot these people see how they steal our joy? Enjoy your good friend. She is probably more of a sister to you anyhow!!

Me, I am so bummed out that after cooking meals and holiday dinners for other family members for decades, there has not been a reciprocal invite in at least 15 years. This year I just invited my own 2 kids and 2 "orphaned" bachelors who I am sure will appreciate a home cooked meal! I am trying to be as relaxed and casual as I can get away with!!! Merry Christmas to you all!

I have had my sibling (brother) around exactly 7 times for Christmas in the past 40 years, so I am used to him being gone. He lives overseas.

I am thankful he was here with us to help when my dad died 5 years ago just days before Christmas. I love him for that. And he stayed for months to help us clean up and sell mom's house at the expense of his own family.

So yes, I have a lot to be thankful for with memories, some horrible with dad dying, but just being together with mom.

I will most likely never see my brother again unless by some miracle we'll jet to Germany. He has a debilitating spine disease which is pretty much fatal. My mom certainly couldn't go there in her condition and I can't leave her. So it is bittersweet this Christmas.

Despite all the bickering and drama over the years, we still love each other. That I know is true.

I'll be hanging out with the in-laws Christmas Eve (20 plus) and making small talk. In my mind I'll be wishing it was 50 years ago and I was at my Grandma and Grandpa's house, eating the best ham ever and ripping open a package with the best Flatsy Doll or Barbie ever! And then getting my jammies on at home waiting for Santa.

I do feel blessed and I am thankful for that I have to tell you. I love Christmas, no apologizes. It's not just the 'stuff'. It never has been. Well, a little bit, I was a kid. Christmas is about Christ for me. The gift of everlasting life is what it's all about. Merry Christmas!

Every family's got um. My older brother (by 4 years) Decided 32 years ago to not have any contact with any of us. My mother didn't get a Mother's Day card, Christmas card, phone call or contact for 14 years. He saw my son at 3 months and didn't see him again until he was a Sophmore. Long story, but he has always lived for himself. The world is always out to get him. His two daughters have nothing to do with him and he has 3 grandchildren he doesn't know. Needless to say, I have no feelings for him. There isn't a relationship there anymore. Honestly, I don't like him.
Of course, our mother has welcomed him back because he's her son, and she can't understand why I don't try harder to be closer to him! He's had more than one heart attack and very invasive cancer surgery twice. I guess I'm the bad guy. I love his wife. (his 3rd). I know when mom is gone, I won't try to have holidays with him. We have a younger brother (by 9 years) who is my best friend. He feels the same way. I know this doesn't make you feel better to know there are a lot of sibs out there in your shoes. But we feel your pain. Do your best to have a merry Christmas.

Thank you to everyone for all of your support!! Countrymouse, you hit the nail on the head....my sister is coming over for Christmas to see my mother and there is not much I can do about that. Believe me, if it were not for my mom, my holidays would be spent in an entirely different way and with different people. The thing that drives me crazy is that I am doing absolutely everything from cleaning to caregiving for my mom, driving her to at least 2 doctors appointments a week, handling all her financial matters, her dogs, her home....while said sister doesn't do a thing! Then when she comes for these holidays she expects me to wait on her and have an elegant spread. It is just beyond nerve. It's like we are living in two different realities here!
Thank you everyone for letting me vent !! Im sure I will live through it and now that I have been able to "let it all out" here, I feel better and ready to forge on! I wish everyone a Happy and Merry Everything!!! xoxo

Sally, what she expects is probably based on past behavior. If you wait on her, she's grown to expect it. You're the only one who can change this. How many times, and when's the last time you told her you aren't going to do this? That's the only way to stop it.

Wow--a lot of us are feeling not very "merry" this year. Or haven't for years. This year is the last year I am pulling out all the stops for my family/extended family. It's gotten so crazy. I also hate seeing the "littles" rip into gift after gift like crazed animals and then throwing everything on the floor. They are getting ONE practical gift and one "fun" (but small) gift from me. And their stockings, but that stuff is mostly candy.
When my son admitted to me that he and his wife NEVER got their kids anything for Christmas because by the time all the grandparents, step-grandparents and cousin gifts rolled in, they felt they could get away with saying it was all from Santa. He and his wife are millionaires, and no, they don't OWE me anything, but last year, a few weeks after Christmas, my hubby asked "Hey, did we get something from B&B and didn't acknowledge it? No, they just didn't do anything. So, it's not just sibling stuff, it's family stuff and honestly? I haven't liked Christmas since 1980. SO much work, so many obligatory parties with people I don't want to see. Our family is in disarray this year, the family party is on Saturday, I am hosting it so I HAVE to go. Yuck. I've had 2 major surgeries this year, not one sib so much as called me. I don't feel well, I don't want to go to or do ANYTHING, but obligation calls. Next year, I'm giving "obligation" a fake phone number!

Sally77, you sure need to make some changes to your visiting schedule. I agree with the commenter who didn't make Christmas the time for family get-togethers. I have a large family and when we get together, if all are there, it's about 50+ counting sig. others and kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids. I told them a long time ago that Christmas was mainly for the kids; they looked forward to Santa coming in a sleigh, etc. the whole works. All of the families (I have 5 children and they all have children with families of their own) would stay in their own homes so they can have "Santa" on Christmas morning and do the traditions of their own families. Either later in the day or within a week, we usually got together to visit. We consider Dec.15 thru Jan15 the Christmas month and anything can be done during that time; visiting giving more presents, etc. Being retired, sometimes I ran short in the money and I had to wait until my social security check came the next month before I could buy something again. Some of my kids live far away and can't afford to come home every year because the spouse also has family that expects them to show up at THEIR house so we mail presents after Christmas as well as before Christmas. I usually expect my family to get together once a year and hope it is around Thanksgiving instead. That's our family get-together time. Christmas is about their own family time and making their own traditions for their children. Besides, I want to enjoy having them around and not being so tired from cooking, cleaning, etc. IT seems the older I get, the less people I want around at holidays! I can't take the noise anymore and just enjoy the quiet time. So, write all the family and set some rules and tell them you think it will be better for them as a family is they stay home with their own families and their traditions. Get together some other time of the year. get half together at one time and get the other half some other time. It sounds like the brother resents having to make an appearance at that time so to make it better for him and for everyone else, tell him not to bother this year. Maybe everyone would be happier if he didn't show up what do you think? Kimber166 has the right idea-start your own plans and traditions. If someone ever gives me the opinion that they don't think they can make it, I want them to stay where they are if that is what makes them the happiest. It would make me really sad if I knew someone was dreading the fact that they "had" to come see me. Come back on this thread and let us know what rules you have set in place for your family members.

I skipped my family's Xmas Eve get-together this year. I don't feel like celebrating at all and especially with these people, who I no longer consider my family. That said, I'm making dinner today for my mother and a mutual friend so my mother has some Xmas Day dinner and company. My siblings have fallen out of my life as I've had to take the lion's share of responsibility for Mom. I resent them and I don't want to pretend otherwise. I didn't get them any gifts, either. Tough.

I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do, Carla. I have been so tired for days now trying to get the house cleaned for Christmas Day dinner which my daughter is cooking and bringing over this afternoon and now I'm sick as a dog. I've been fighting a cold for about 10 days and after many antibiotics, it seemed like I was finally kicking it when I stayed on my feet too long yesterday and now it's come back full force. All I want to do is go back to bed and stay there. I may cancel this dinner too. Midkid58, I feel the same as you. This will be the last time I go to this much trouble for Christmas because it's just too much work for me any more. Try to have a good Christmas with what you have and who you have over to visit and get past the bad feelings. Merry Christmas to all on this thread and I hope you have a blessed day.

So the capper is this: While I was at my mother's house today cooking a big elaborate Christmas dinner for her, she had the nerve to snipe at me for not attending the family Christmas Eve gathering last night, because I wasn't there to help the sister who was hosting it with the preparations, and it was a LOT of work. Never mind that there were other guests there who could have helped out, like my other sister and my niece. Never mind that my sister knew all along that I wouldn't be there and could have planned for a simpler or smaller arrangement if she didn't feel up to the hosting task. Never mind that I knocked myself out cooking today for my mother, for which I did not receive a word of thanks. So next year, I won't be doing this either!

It seems to me that if we are the ones who manage all the year to cook, clean, schedule appointments, etc. I would like to know why other family members can't take US ( and the ones we care for) out to eat for a change?

That's a good question, LivingSouth. But I think part of the answer stems from the way people naturally tend to overestimate their own contributions to an effort and underestimate other people's contributions. There's a discussion of this in the book "Blind Spots" that I found illuminating.

Nobody really knows how much I'm doing for my mother, because they're not doing it. So they tend to underestimate it, and view the occasional visit or phone call they do as a real contribution and even a sacrifice. I noted this Christmas that nobody knew what to get for my mother and one sister even called to ask me what I was getting her. If they actually spent any time around her they'd know what she needs and what things would make her life easier. In the past few years I've bought my mother a Keurig, an electric corkscrew, a set of Bluetooth headphones for her TV, and a foot scrubber that sticks to the bottom of the tub with suction cups so you can wash your feet without bending over or standing on one leg.

This Christmas I bought her a Clapper. They gave her gift certificates to restaurants and nail salons, which she can't use unless somebody takes her (and they don't offer). They're just out of touch with her day to day reality, And mine.

I was dreading it--but it worked out OK. We're finally all on the same page, which if we had not had this party, we would never have gotten in one room at the same time to talk. All on board about Mother...all going to keep in touch and the "off board" sibs will make an effort to call or see Mother once a week. I'm exempt for a while :)

The dread of the "talk" was worse than the actual "talk". Mother has played her last hand of manipulation and coercion.

We actually enjoy each other w/o Mother's coloring our thinking about each other, There's hope for better relationships after all this, I think.

Looks like your sister puts you down for four reasons:

1. to cover up the fact she does jack for Mom
2. to score brownie points with her
3. because she enjoys making you feel like s___ in front of others (just as she did when you were kids); and
4. because she thinks you're a yellow tail.

If every time you bump into each other she's going to make you feel less than, then there shouldn't be a place for her in your life and your home.

Pick up the phone and tell her you're not having her BS this Holiday Season. A written note will be interpreted as you not having the guts to speak to her directly.

I told my siblings that I was thinking about making out a list to show them exactly what I have to do every day. I said ' this is in case you would have to step in and do it.' I think they would find it very illuminating and I have no doubt that they would never do all these things themselves - they would just put them in a nursing home.

I was bit tense that how this Christmas will go with my siblings. All of my family members are different from one another. But I must say that this Christmas was really enjoyable for us.