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I, personally do not feel that having dementia/Alzheimer is an type of life for anyone. I am not selfish and would rather have them healthy and enjoy their late years then be suffering in this state. They don't know who they are, where they are, who you are and don't know what they are doing. I don't know why people say this.

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I cringe because they have no idea what it's like to have a parent with dementia. They think they are still the same as they were years ago. But you know that they aren't. I have friends that have lost both parents and I say at least they have good memories of them. The memories I am going to have is the way my mother treats me now.
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When people hear my mother is 98 they inevitably say some variation of "how wonderful, I hope she makes it to 100". Uhm, really?
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I agree w you. It’s a lot of suffering for the patient & caregiver. My mother asks me to give her a pill to kill her or a gun. I say it’s not up to us...
only G-d. She asks where is it legal to do it & she would want to go there. She always asks what’s wrong w her....
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 Folks that have been through the parent/caregiver/this is gonna gone on forever, drill know better than to make these comments.  These are the folks you exchange whines and rants and commiserate with with. Like this forum. I mean where else can you rant and rave about parents who just keep hanging on, years beyond any quality of life.

Ah, but the young folks whose parents are still skydiving and such. They make those stupid comments. I know they mean well but.....

Its my hope, as I'm fading away in some facility or other, that I'll see the kid whose parents were skydiving and now are pushing 100 in memory care. The kid, now 65, that has spent 10 years in elder care hell.  And with my last gasp of cognition I can say, MY...YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO STILL HAVE YOUR PARENTS!

 I'm overdue for a rant. You don't even want to know what my folks have put me through lately.  Thanks Dawnone for starting this.
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When people make those comments, just smile and say, "That's nice. Would you like to take care of my father/mother for a day, while I take some time for myself that I haven't had in X number of months?" I'm serious. Say it with a smile, and as sweetly as possible. It puts people on their heels.
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I'm glad for all your responses. Sometimes I feels so bad because she's more of a burden on me and at same time I feel bad for her with her disease.
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I roll my eyes and say "Oh, if you only knew!"
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I say she'll be 95 years old in January and they smile and say, "Oh great!" Then I say she's in the last stage of Alzheimer's and they frown with a downturned mouth :( and they say, "Oh, sorry." Yeah, me too. This ain't livin', it's h*ll for both of us.

What were we doing in 1900 to only live to 47 years old? By 1998 people were living to 77 years old. (source-u.demog.berkeley.edu/~andrew/1918/figure2.html)
Other sites say that many childhood diseases have been eliminated so we live to adulthood. We have cured many fatal diseases, so more adults are healthy, living longer. Advances in medicines have suppressed many diseases like high blood pressure. But to what end? To live so long that we wind up with a broken brain? How do we go backwards?
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Only a person who hasn't had to live with it, would even think such a thing! Yes the body may be alive, but the person is gone. Remembering the person they were, and having to deal with the hollow shell, sometimes for years is tough! Went through this with my grandfather, grandmother, a great aunt who lived with mom, and now mom is showing the early symptoms. I can only hope something else develops before having to deal with years of this again. - People often fear the big 'C', but I can tell you first hand, cancer isn't near as cruel. Right now I'm doing in home hospice with hubby who has cancer, at least it will be much faster, and while often confused, it isn't near as bad as Alzheimer's.
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I'm sorry Robin, life isn't fair most times. You've had more than your fair share of heartache with all your family members. I hope your husband is in no pain and has a peaceful passing. God bless you all.
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My real loving caring mother already gone & evil demon occupying her body abusing me & injuring me every day. Yesterday she was choking me & threatens to kill me. She threw mouthwash in my eyes, punched me in head, breasts & says she hopes I go blind & get breast cancer. My real mother already gone
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CaregiverL - I'm so sorry you are going through this abuse, and at the hands of someone you love and who loved you too. That is terribly sad. I hope you can at least find a way to remove yourself from the abuse, and surround yourself with people who affirm you and show you the care you deserve.
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Dear dawnone,

I know its hard. I generally think people mean well, but really us caregivers don't want to hear it. After my father passed, I know people were trying be supportive or helpful but I just hated everything I heard. The worst one was "go take a vacation and you'll feel better." I tried not talk to that person anymore.

I just wanted to add my support and say I hear you.
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I cringe when I hear those words about my grandma. So often I hear, "Well at least you have your grandma." or "My children are way worse than your grandma" or "Caring for your grandma is just like caring for my children" or "88 is amazing. It must be so nice to have your grandma still alive at 88" or even the worst one, "Wouldn't it be great if your grandma lived to be 102? She could be the oldest person in the world someday!". Honestly it's not. She's 88 and honestly isn't living really well. Caring for a dementia grandma is terrible. I do not wish it on anyone. I have to admit, when caring for her, I do not see her as my grandma. My grandma essentially died years ago when the disease took her over robbing her of everything my grandma was. She was a sweet, old lady who was always baking, who kept up a house amazingly well and was patient and kind. Now she's nasty, upset and angry all the time. She hits, bites, kicks and says hateful things. She bruises me and her caregiver daily staying angry a lot. She no longer enjoys my company but instead not hates it. She hates everyone and everything and is just tired of living in this world. Living with dementia is a long drawn out death :(

To be honest, I don't hear that comment as often as I used to. I lost my mother to cancer so people tend to focus on that instead of the fact I'm caring for an 88 year old grandma with dementia. They always ask how I got to be caring for my grandma and I mention my mom who cared for her for years and how she passed away leaving grandma behind and since I had the other POA, she kind of fell into my lap and everyone focuses on the fact I lost my mom. Not sure it's a blessing or not.
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i understand completely. The parent is gone. The parent has been gone for along time already.

After my Mom died, I was not in mourning. I was distressed by that. Then I realized, my Mom had been gone for years. I had already mourned her loss. I was just taking care of the body that was left behind.     then, with Alzheimer's too.....I can totally understand how that situation makes it impossible to view caregiving as anything more than tending a long absent parent.

I also got those comments. These comments come from ignorant people, forgive them. Many people just cannot control themselves and just have to blurt out whatever ill informed opinion pops into their head...
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Oh I remember people saying how great that I still had my parents back when my parents were in their mid-to-late 90's. Dad was great, but Mom had accelerated dementia due to a major fall. Most un-cargivers have zero clues what is going on. I know it took me totally by surprised.

I remember grumbling about driving my parents all over hill and dale, when a co-worker said "your parents drove you when you were a child".... to which I replied "my parents weren't in their late 60's when I was a child, big difference".

Yes, it is great to have an elder who can live into very late years if their mind is still sharp. My Dad was still joking at 95 even tho he had sundowners.

I have found from my Dad's family tree there were quite a few who lived to their mid-80's and into their early 100's, which really surprised me as I didn't think people lived that long when born in the mid to late 1800's. Most were farmers, so they kept busy for as long as they could, and were eating organic.
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I hear that phrase all the time. As far as I'm concerned, my "real" mother is gone, even though she's here physically. I always have to remember that the people that say this, have no idea what it's like. I know they mean well, but.....
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Yeah, it's a horrible time when your parent stops being your parent and you're dealing with something that has made them demented, crazed, and spewing hate that they'd never say if they had a decent frame of mind.

My own parent has it. Though I'd rather see her healthy, I do try to explain what it's like to lose your parent and find an alternative you despise in its place. How they are a shell of what they are, even if they look the same to everyone. I've had people tell me "she seems okay" and my reply usually is, "then watch for a bit longer, because despite your desire to normalize her life, eventually she'll forget what month she is in, what time it is, and whether she's eaten and she'll ask you. Then you can tell me if that seems okay to you."

It's hard for people to understand the mechanics of it, it's like dropping a pebble in a lake. It strikes the victim (your parent), then the family, then friends, and then everyone else. It's hard for those on the outer layer of that splash to realize the impact, so while they may not have the right thing to say, they are trying to make sense of it, especially if the comment is coming from a friend struggling with the changes they are seeing from the parent.

My "new parent" says stuff she'd never had said to me if she was in her right mind. I'm sorry she's really gotten to the point of being abusive, and I'm steeling myself for it as well. I'm sorry and I truly stand by my fellow caregivers.
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SLMily oh when people say, she looks so good and, "you see, she does remember me". No, she's 20 lbs underweight, plus I know her medical history, her face is so old and her eyes are empty. As for her remembering you, well you asked her, "do you remember me", and she says of course I do. But she hasn't told you who you are, what relation you are to her, and she doesn't even know who she is. You ask her generic questions. She replies with things like how is everyone and its been so long since I've seen you, and once she asked you for the 10th time in 5 minutes, they finally see something is wrong. Mine hasn't gotten angry too often but when she does, I think of how sad that she really has no clue what is going on. We, as caregivers go through so many changes and in cycles that we are so busy dealing with our family member that we don't even realize what we are going through. It's great to have a place to vent and read what others go through as well
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