I'm 52 years old and suddenly find myself lost and useless. My mother, whom I helped/took care of most of my life passed suddenly in January this year. It's been extremely hard, I cry just thinking, talking about her...even right now 😭. Older brother and younger sister... I'm the middle child. We're all in kind of same boat, but mine feels heavier. Even going in public is rough. Try to find routines, figure out who I am..things I used to be interested in no longer give me joy. Had to move out of apartment we shared, and move in with sibling, which feels for whatever reason awkward. I went from taking care of/companion to/ friend of my mom, Dr appointments, conversations, planting, cooking, things like that to what feels like nothingness. I know she wouldn't want me to be this way, but it's really hard. No harmful thoughts or anything, just hard.
Eventually you will find your new "normal" and even joy again, but it does take time, so be kind to yourself in the interim.
You are very young and now have your whole life ahead of you to do what you want to do and not have to worry about caring for anyone but yourself.
So I would start with a good grief support group,(Grief Share offers free support groups all over the country)and then find a job that you enjoy and start living this one life the Good Lord has given you. Your mom would want that much for you.
I took care of my late husband for many years and after he died I found myself wandering around my house for quite some time wondering what it was I was supposed to do now. But slowly over time, I started rebuilding my life and it's now been 4 1/2 years since he died and I'm still figuring things out, but enjoying the journey while I do.
In time you will enjoy your journey as well, but for now grieve the mom you loved and know that she now wants you to live your best life.
Should these feelings continue I would consider grief counseling as often it is a matter of what you feel, but of how often you allow yourself to follow the same pathways and circuitous wanderings in your brain, what words you use, how much you allow yourself to think about things. Sometimes you can use cognitive therapy tricks to kind of limit you brain, change you thinking play mind games.
It can help to celebrate the life instead of mourn it. Scrapbook and remember fine times as you do. Write her letters (helped me enormously when I lost my bro) and collage a diary of them to her, things that made you think of her in good ways, memories, things you see she would have liked.
It comes down to GIVING THANKS, to understanding to accept what you can't change, of reaching out to help others or work with others. It won't be easy. It won't be fun. The smile will be plastered on. But it does sort of retrain you brain.
You already KNOW that this isn't what she wants for your life, that it does her no honor.
My best to you. Grieving is darned hard work. And it is as individual as your own thumb print. You have my sincerest condolences.
I’ve done one on one counseling and a virtual grief support group. While helpful, other’s situations are so different than mine (some had parents my age that died) so their grief journey is different than mine. I’m still saddened by my mom passing, but it has softened. I don’t cry as much as I used to. A picture collage my daughter made of various pictures of my mom smiling brings me comfort. I wish you peace and comfort.
Might try to find a caregivers grief support group...might help the alone feeling I'm having through this.
Find your gentle, or adventurous, or creative heart's desire.
As far as moving in with a sibling and as you say "which feels for whatever reason awkward"... For "whatever reason" is an indication that this great kindness, on their part, should perhaps be temporary. Start poking around with the idea of making goals for yourself. Get your mind working, at a comfortable pace, toward your own life and possibilities. Celebrate with your sibling the good fortune that y'all have one another. Get curious.
I know the depth of sad. When you have the omph get a mani/pedi. After a while research online group travel opportunities. There are super 55+ agencies that don't charge solo travel supplement fees. Join a support group. Some members go to lunch the meetings.
After a little over a year I'm lightly volunteering as helper at a caregiver support group. I knew I was going to volunteer for something but never, ever, with a group that had anything to do with dementia. Yet here I am. I'm going to my first meeting to act as advisor, regarding financial and legal considerations, to early on circle the wagons, and to, I hope, offer some humor like..."First of all get a gorilla size seat belt and hang on".
I wish I could make you laugh. Allow sympathetic people to surround you. Folks that are kindly upbeat are medicinal. Find them. Become that for your siblings. If you can, be the originator of the kind of support group that is needed. Go bowling, keep a kite in the trunk of your car, catch up on all the movies you may have missed during your caregiving. Let the sun blast into your room first thing in the morning and get cracking. Show gratitude to the one that gave you life by living . I wish you well.
Your mother has been wonderful and having you as her devoted daughter was more than sweet to her, she loved you here and still does very much. She is in Heaven (we all go there no matter what) and she is STILL, very very much with you. She knows you are very sad and lost. She also knows that in time, you will wake one day and feel a bit lifted from these feelings. Talk to her....she hears you. Be quiet inside, and you will hear her. I promise you will. :)
She's only left Earth....not gone. Her spirit is very much alive and will speak to yours.
I probably sound like a weirdo, but I promise you....she is still your mom, still with you and her spirit although you cannot visually see her, is right beside you. Heaven is very close....not a zillion miles from Earth. Your guardian angel is very much at your side and all you have to do is ask for understanding, to hear their gentle voice, and you will.
I'm sending you hugs and light. xoxoxox
Kat~
You need a Support Group maybe more than one.
A Grief Support or Bereavement Support Group.
And maybe a few hours (or more) with a therapist that can listen and be a sounding board for your thoughts. Talking helps, you can talk to a friend but a therapist will not judge, (or shouldn't) and a therapist should be neutral.
You need to "find yourself" again. Such an 80's thing to say but when you are a caregiver you focus on the other person. You need to find out who you are without that person.
Find something you want to do, or get back to what you did before. Find an organization you can Volunteer with. Let me tell you a few hours a week Volunteering can make a HUGE difference in your outlook on things.
Do you work or did you quit to care for mom? Get back to work. having to get up every morning and having to take a shower, get dressed and out of the house by 8 am gives you purpose.
Reconnecting with people.
Socializing with people
Getting active
All these help YOUR mental health.
Losing a loved one a parent, spouse, child, sibling is not easy for anyone. But it is part of life. I am not going to give you the ..."she is in a better place".."she is no longer in pain"...what I am going to say is
I understand.
It is hard.
It does get easier.
There are days when it will hit you like a ton of bricks.
I have posted this before but...this is a saying the facilitator of my Support Group gave me.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
And one more I have by my computer...
Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.
🙏🙏