Anyone an ONLY child or only one caregiver for elderly parent that requires 24/7 care? How did you do it?

Not sure where you live or Mom's financial status but I would try calling your state (or towns) Office on Aging. They may be able to help you find some resources for home care. They may also be able to explain any options you might have for institutional care should that ever become necessary. I feel for you - I am an only child and took care of my Mom for 3 years after her stroke. Worked full time although luckily it was in the medical field.

My husband is an only child. When his mother needed 24/7 care, that was provided in a nursing home. Private pay until the assets were used up, then Medicaid.

Only child caregivers seem to have this picture of the Waltons in their heads when it comes to caregiving ~ I think that even in larger families the burden of care almost always falls to one individual. It's not necessarily because sibs aren't caring or there are dysfunctional dynamics, it's just that caregiving often means a 24/7 live in arrangement, even when caregiving hasn't reached that intensity it is usually just more practical that one person be in charge of healthcare and financial oversight. If a sib is available to provide some assistance a few hours of respite here and there is just a drop in the bucket when measured against the continuing daily long term need.

Southern, you are a wonderful caregiver to your mom. I am an only child that cared for my mom for many years, the last 2 she was bedridden in my home with multiple health problems. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband during this time was hospitalized with heart problems. I also had a spontaneous retinal detachment that required surgery. My mom finally found peace four years ago. After a yearlong break my husband's only sibling, his sister who was living with his mom, died and left my husband and I to care for his mom, 89. We are now in round 2 of caring and not knowing what each day will bring. The worse my mom got, the less I heard from her or my "friends". Relatives live in Europe. I got through it by compartmentalizing, taking things one day and sometimes one hour at a time. When my mom went on hospice we had a wonderful nurse and 2 caregivers who came in a couple of times a week. This made things so much better and I felt less alone for the last 7 months of her life. I am still angry at the "runners" who have now run again. You really learn who your friends are and are not at this time. Take it a day at a time, know you are doing your best under the circumstances and doing all you can. Don't forget to take little moments for yourself, even a good cup of coffee or tea. The little things add up. I would also put a little vase of flowers on my mom's food tray each day, and put family photos on her dresser to cheer her up. I wish you and your mom all the best!

Have you thought of assisted living? It is very honorable to take care of your mother but it sounds like you’re overwhelmed. And you have to consider your health and mental health.
I am disabled and knew i couldn’t take care of my mom so she went into assisted living. Even then I was running to the home all the time because she was in and out of the hospital.
I now care for my Autistic sister after my mom passed and she lives with my husband and I. Every day is a challenge.

if you want to chat, I’m here. Good luck

Ask yourself what you would want from your children when you are in that situation. I’m sure you would rather they visit you in a facility where you are cared for. To be very honest, if you carry on looking after your loved one 24/7 then you will be a train wreck.
Also maybe even consider it a blessing that you may make decisions as a sole child. Having siblings can be helpful but also can complicate decisions.

I had to move out of state and in with my mother to provide care for her due to her inability to make a decision where she would live into old age. Hard? Yeah. But she left me no other option. And I was the one-woman show.

I did it for 5 1/2 years. Hubby and I are both only children, my Mom lived with us, but we also had to look out for his Mom who was living independently but her health was going downhill. We lost my MIL in 2018 and my Mom in 2019. Honestly? working part-time in our business outside the home and working from home the rest of the time and basically being a full-time caregiver to my Mom who had Lewy Body Dementia? and now that my Mom has passed? I have no idea how I did it, and I feel now that I have PTSD, it was that traumatic. Many times I said I don't know how much more I can handle this, but somehow managed to do it. If I had to do it all again would I do it? yeah I would. My Mom was an awesome Mom and she deserved going out of this world knowing she was loved and surrounded by that love instead of being surrounded by strangers. I'm not judging anyone who made the decision to put their loved one in a nursing home or skilled facility, everyone is different and have to make choices that are best for them.

I am an only child as well. I do understand what you were going through. My mother is 85 and I am 56 and left my job through medical disability due to a bad back and five neck surgeries. I’m pretty sure that was one of the happiest days in my mother’s life.My mother expects me to be your best friend, I cannot leave the house without her. If I go to Walmart she wants to go and just sit in the car while I go in and shop for groceries. She can’t walk she’s in a wheelchair and she expects me to take her out to eat at least once a week. So I have to wag the wheelchair lift it up out of the vehicle by myself push her in and out and then load it back up. Oh I forgot to mention that I have a partially torn rotator cuff in one arm and the other one is not far behind. If I want to go out of town or on vacation she wants to know when we are leaving. She moved in with me in 1995 because she decided all of a sudden she was scared to live by herself at age 60. I get so angry because she is so demanding. My oldest son is working in Mexico for the next few months and she expects me to take her. I told her I can’t take you anymore physically I can’t do it. So she decided she’s going to call my ex-husband to find out if he’s going to visit. I have no life, no friends anymore and if I do go on vacation I have to take her because I will never hear the end of it. She expects to be catered to 24 seven and I’m at the point I just can’t do it anymore. I feel so guilty because I am so angry. Whatever I cook for dinner she doesn’t want that. She was in rehab for six weeks last year, but called me every day to either bring her something or come get her clothes that she needed to be washed. I thought I would get a break but it truly wasn’t any better. I know she would be better off in assisted-living But truly I don’t know if I can deal with the guilt that she would put on me. I’m sorry if I sound hateful I just really needed to vent.

I am also “an only child” taking care of my Mom with dementia for almost two years. Initially, I considered myself lucky because I was retired and had my husband and young adult daughter available to help. However, shortly after mom moved here my husband died and daughter moved out. Also, mom’s dementia worsened and made her very combative, incontinent (with urine and feces), and immobile.
I wish I could say that I have all the answers, but I don’t! With that said, here are some things I have learned:
- Get control: Because my mom was so stubborn and no longer able to make decisions, I had to go the extremely expensive route of getting guardianship. However, I’ve known many folks who did well with just a durable power of attorney. Without doing this I would have not had the ability to make necessary financial and legal moves for my mom.
- Get support from every source possible: I have discovered that The Alzheimer’s Association, my local Agency on Agency, and support groups had invaluable information. Also, even though they might not always be able (or willing) to provide hands on help, family and friends are essential for reminding us that there is life outside the dementia prison!
- Admit when her care is above your pay grade. If your loved one is blessed to live long enough with this disease, it is likely that it will be too much for any one person to handle. Explore the options now for when that happens. I’ve had to use respite care, aides, sitters, hospitals, rehab, and currently memory care and hospice. It is possible that I will need to use a nursing home before mom finishes her journey.
- Learn about government programs. I’ve had to learn more about Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, and the VA’s Aide and Attendance program than I ever wanted.
Good luck!

Yes, I am an only child and was the caregiver for both parents. Sadly, my dad passed away and after 57 years of marriage my mom withdrew and her health declined dramatically. I continued to work a full time+ job (balance that with incontinence and falling). I began to have heart issues and then turned to my mom's physician who somewhat took over. He had Medicare Home Health come out 3x/week for showers. While there, they would change her bed, clean her bathroom, check / fill meds, That's all good but aids quit often and there are good and not-so-good. Like you, there was the angst of *IF* someone would show up at the appointed day/time. I had guilt anxiety that I wasn't doing enough. SO...I get it! I understand your concern, stress, and work overload. Mom's physician realized **I** needed the break so he suggested we admit mom to a rehab facility, which is part of our nursing home. I recharged and guess what...mom enjoyed it so she was admitted as a full-time resident. She is no longer a prisoner of our house and has constant interaction with nurses, aids, and people of her own age. She is under constant supervision and they have better equipment for her care. This is about you, not me. I wanted you to see we are here to support you and let you know you are not alone. Many of us have thought we were doing the best for our parents (and tried) but it isn't always the best for all concerned. We have damaged marriages and relationships, our own health..mental and physical. My suggestion is to begin with your mom's physician or a geriatrician, then discuss your options with Department of Health and Human Services; they too are a great resource. If you have a local college, sometimes their nursing students would like to earn extra money and can help you during off-hours; you can work through the Dean of Nursing for names or suggestions. Good Luck and Chin Up!

Sorry you aren’t getting the help you need. That’s an awfully heavy load. I’m a widow and I cared for my dad for his last 9 months of life and he needed 24/7 care as well. Both my sons helped when they could but it was a big job. I wasn’t trying to hold down a job of make a husband happy so I could give it my full attention. Do you belong to a church? Often times you can get help and support from them. My dad also qualified for a certain amount of hours of care for free through a local state agency so that helped me have some respite. I also had an iCloud camera in my dads room so I could keep an eye on him if I was outside or if he was under the care of someone else I could check and see that he was safe. The camera helped me also make sure he didn’t try and get up at night on his own. I got some great diapers online called Serenity TTN (Through The Night) which were very absorbent so there was no need to change diapers at night. I put plenty of washable pads and a chux under him too. I also saw a counselor during this time (which the same agency that paid for his care covered the cost of for me) and that helped me sort out the various struggles I was going through. Hope you are able to get more help and support!

The simple answer is You can't do it all. Hard part finding help. Call Area on Aging office; in CA In Home Supportive Services (since she is your Mom she is not your legal/financial responsibility - so they will pay someone - even you - to take care of her at least some of the time.) Respite care is another option. Churches often have volunteers to help, but you need someone regular. Her Dr should be able to refer you to help with mechanical aides (Hoyer lift - raised toilet seats - lift chairs, etc. etc.) as well as furnish lists of local caregiving companies.) If she is in an HMO contact them and tell them you cannot do - and list what you need done).

Hi love, I am the sole caretaker for my dad but do not have the do diapers. I also do not work outside the home.
Does she have Medicaid, or does she receive VA pension? There are services available if they have either, unfortunately Medicare (unless u have a supplement that does pay) much of anything for seniors in this condition😥
It is difficult and doing it alone is definitely overwhelming.
Explore your local senior services agency for more help in daytime and then maybe hire someone for night duty. All u can do is the best you can.
The emotional toll is seriously draining. You may need to consider placement in a facility, before you say absolutely not, ask yourself, if she were in her right mind would she want u to live like this?????
Sometimes we have to place our loved ones. I want to keep my dad in his own home as long as possible but the the may come that I do not have a choice if 24 hour caretakers are not affordable! Hugs and prayers for ur strength

I have nothing specific to add here, but just chiming in that you have too much on your plate - do take the advice of the good folks here and get help for your mom/you...! You're doing the work that professionals do in shifts, with all the emotional attachment of mom caring to boot.

My concern is for your physical and mental health. In my case I didn't do/don't do nearly as much as you but being the solo 'on call' daughter took a tool in a sneaky way. First it was flare-ups of my usual physical bugaboos ( old injury, that kind of thing ) which has not helped, but then I started getting really bizarro physical symptoms which culminated in getting tested for vulvar cancer. No cancer thank god, but that was the wake up call! And I did good self care too - it was pure stress that did it! I've had to step back and am still trying to get my footing while being responsible for mom.

People here will support you while you take steps to take better care of yourself! You're worth it. Many blessings...

Does your mom have Medicare? She might qualify to be in an assisted living facility that offers 24/7 care. Sounds like you need help. I know the last thing we want is to place our love ones in a facility but I don’t know how you can keep going with that schedule. I just lost my sister who was my mom’s main caretaker (she wanted to be the one to do everything for our mom). She was so depressed and cried about mom all the time. She went to sleep and never woke up. We think it was alcohol dug related. Now it’s all on me. I’m trying really hard to take care of mom but also don’t want to end up like my sister. Take care of yourself too.

I see lots of responses I don't have time to read before work...but please, call your local office on aging if you have not already or your local area agency on aging for resources. I don't know how you are carrying such a load...and you also might want to connect with hospice. My mom is so far continent and semi functional but needs supervision. Her sundowning is not so much a safety factor concern, but it is very much disrupting my sleep. And that's enough to be a challenge for me which is nothing compared to what so many go through.

I'm right there with you as an only child and only caregiver. Well, my husband helped out when he could, which helped a lot, but still, the majority of her care fell to me: bathing, driving her around to keep her calm, walking with her, also, to keep her calm, feeding her, etc. When it became hard for her to get up out of a chair, we ordered an electric cushion for her, to ease her up from a chair. You should have seen the looks that my husband got, when he was trying to describe the dimensions to the postal worker who was looking for it. Hubby said, "I'm not exactly sure how big it is; it's an electric chair for my mother-in-law!" I even wrote about this funny anecdote in a book I wrote about our travails:"My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (Humor can go a long way; trust me.) On another note, you might get in touch with your local Aging Care services. Many counties and cities have them. Sometimes they have volunteers to come to sit with people. Best of luck.

I honestly don't think that one person can manage the load you described. I take care of my mom 24/7, but I quit my job and I don't have kids. God bless you for trying to do all of this.

Our loved ones don’t want for us to have to give up our lives for theirs... if you’re sacrificing time, sleep, money, whatever it may be.... it’s TOO MUCH. There are Elderly Waivers and Respite Dollars available to help alleviate some of this and your local Aging Resources Center can help determine what you might qualify for.

As only one human, you cannot be available to help another 24/7/365 because eventually YOUR own health will be at risk. I realized this on a day when I couldn’t get anyone to come over and be with my loved one in order for my own self to go to the doctor... I was so entrenched in caring for another that I couldn’t care for myself — and how is that helpful?? It isn’t - if I died or was too sick to move, I couldn’t help them anyway. And what good is that?!?

For everyone involved - yourself, your loved one, anyone who loves you... consider Assisted Living. There’s a team of folk to care for your person 24/7/365. They work in SHIFTS and are able to go home and rest in between said shifts in order to best serve your loved ones needs. There are other residents around for the social aspect. Laundry, cleaning and cooking are done for them. Someone checks in on your person and their health regularly. There is a plan of care established the moment you sign paperwork to ensure Optimal Care. Obviously choosing the best place and figuring out the financials is the biggest challenge, but it was the Best decision I ever made.

Oh I hear you. I am an only child and felt that this was a situation that was too much for one person. Lessons learned after 6 years of having ADL help for mom so I could work. My mom just passed away and I now realize how burnt out I was. It sounds like your mom needs more care and you should get info on getting her on Medicaid and to a nursing home. I did not like the choices of nursing homes in my area and my mom did sleep at night. There comes a point where Mom needs more care . You can check with local hospice and pallative care alternatives. Talk to her primary care Dr and get information. I should have arranged for respite care but I did not know it existed.
I understand that you are on high alert because you are the one responsible for the care.
I had to take breaks. On weekends I would make her breakfast and head to the farmers mkt and come home and make lunch for her . When she slept in the afternoon, I would hang with a friend or take a walk. I did use paper plates and streamlined my cooking and got take out. I did get some help with cleaning the house once a month.
SO you have my permission to get a break and get hospice/pallative care ASAP with the help of Primary Care Dr. I am glad that I took care of my mom but know it is time to get more help. You are doing the best you can but it is a changing picture. You are in my thoughts and prayers

As you can tell, I am an “only.” I took care of my mother for a year, but she didn’t need nearly as much care as your mother does. My mother chose to move into an AL facility where she has some independence which is very important for her. She didn’t want me to sacrifice my life to being her caregiver. Rule #1: take care of yourself (which you are not doing) At this rate you will crash either mentally or physically. You need to make changes now before it’s too late. You’ll figure it out.

I took care of my dad who had Alzheimer’s. When he fell, I couldn’t get him back up on my own, I would have to call for help, when he fell out of bed, he broke his femurs. I had shingles in my shoulder, my strength was not enough to be able to change him and clean him up, not to mention his cries from pain and hanging onto the bed rail with all he had because it hurt to move. I totally lost it when he cried out “ don’t hurt me”! After I quit crying I called the hospice nurse and they arranged to put him in respite care for me, this went to in hospice care. We knew he was going to die but I suffered from guilt because I wasn’t able to handle him being home. Don’t do this to yourself, please make arrangements for her to be in care somewhere else. Then you can enjoy her as your mom. I know it sounds heartbreaking but it really needs to be done. By the way, I’ve told my kids if I end up having Alzheimer’s they and I are going to look for a nursing home, I will not put care for me on them, it’s too hard on everybody.

I am an only child I was working but my husband is able to support us without me working. But working helped my sanity.
My Mother has been living with us 30 years now, only the past 3 she has LBD, only able to feed herself. It was a progression at first I would make her a lunch and go to work, but would find her on the floor when I got home, and her lunch was not eaten, finally I had to quit my job to stay home. Now I am her 24/7/365 caregiver. I feel like a prisoner most of the time. I get time off when she goes into respite that is such a relief. I know I sound horrible but I know she is in good hands. I did find an adult daycare nearby but haven’t tried it out yet. Maybe when the weather gets better. But I really have no use for them unless I have an appointment or errands to do. I have scheduled my life to do these when my husband is home. But golf season is coming I believe she will be in daycare at least once a week. My husband isn’t going to stay home for her. oh yes I don’t receive any payment from her, anyway she isn’t of mind to discuss anything. She doesn’t even know who I am, just a nice girl she stays. Well
my day starts: get her out of bed, diaper dress, feed, put her in her chair, listen to her crazy stories, listen to her outbursts of noises, crying to go home cause she hates it here, bring her to the bathroom, she cannot go by herself I must basically carry her there put her on the toilet hold her up while I wipe clean and pull up her depends. Oh she does help by holding the walker. Then bring her back to her chair. Give her her meals, do the tv remote for her cause she says she doesn’t know how, she says that for everything, that’s not new I heard that my whole life. But I do catch her at times changing the channel or shutting it off, but it wasn’t her, it is one of her Imaginary people who live with us.
people become empty nesters, well I never did my daughters moved out on their own, then it started all over again being a caretaker for my mother.
such is life!

There comes a time when you need to insist she move on to a nursing home. This is your life and not you obligation to do this. Your obligation is to your husband, children and and to yourself.

I am an only child also. I had to place my mom in a nursing home but I visit her often. Have you considered placing your mom in a nursing home?

Put her in a home. Your children, your husband, and YOU come before Mom.

I don’t do it. My mom went into a nursing home in July, and while that’s been a hassle in some other ways (oh, can I even begin to tell you about her many, many complaints???), there was just no way for her to stay at home anymore.

i recently had some health issues of my own that reminded me I can’t do everything. I have to work—I gotta pay my bills and save for my own retirement—I’m not married and have no kids. I’ve been running over to the nursing home several times a week to try to make her happy (impossible!).

As the nurse told me when I was in my room after emergency surgery (let’s just say I ignored the many warning signs my body was giving me)—“you can’t pour from an empty cup.”

if you’re getting up in the middle of the night to toilet and change your mom, it’s probably time for a nursing home.

it doesn’t make you a bad person to get help.

Yes, give yourself permission to place her in a facility that has the expertise to care for her. I know how painful it is to do that. I made the decision in July to place Mom in an AL facility. She gives me the guilt trip every time i see her. However, it was the right thing to do for everyone. Good luck!

I am also an only child who had to care for my mother with Alzheimer’s. The last time she was hospitalized, a doctor mentioned that she qualified for hospice in a hospice facility nearby. She was transferred there and died a week later. Is there a possibility that you have a similar situation?
My heart goes out to you - I know how difficult and agonizing your situation is. Ask to have her evaluated and search for facilities near your residence. As much as you care for her, it is difficult to watch your mother in her decline - unfortunately, with advanced dementia, you lost her long ago. It was a relief for me to know that my mother was finally at peace, as I knew she would never want to continue living in her tormented situation. Take care - keep us posted.