Anyone an ONLY child or only one caregiver for elderly parent that requires 24/7 care? How did you do it?

Hi love, I am the sole caretaker for my dad but do not have the do diapers. I also do not work outside the home.
Does she have Medicaid, or does she receive VA pension? There are services available if they have either, unfortunately Medicare (unless u have a supplement that does pay) much of anything for seniors in this condition😥
It is difficult and doing it alone is definitely overwhelming.
Explore your local senior services agency for more help in daytime and then maybe hire someone for night duty. All u can do is the best you can.
The emotional toll is seriously draining. You may need to consider placement in a facility, before you say absolutely not, ask yourself, if she were in her right mind would she want u to live like this?????
Sometimes we have to place our loved ones. I want to keep my dad in his own home as long as possible but the the may come that I do not have a choice if 24 hour caretakers are not affordable! Hugs and prayers for ur strength

The simple answer is You can't do it all. Hard part finding help. Call Area on Aging office; in CA In Home Supportive Services (since she is your Mom she is not your legal/financial responsibility - so they will pay someone - even you - to take care of her at least some of the time.) Respite care is another option. Churches often have volunteers to help, but you need someone regular. Her Dr should be able to refer you to help with mechanical aides (Hoyer lift - raised toilet seats - lift chairs, etc. etc.) as well as furnish lists of local caregiving companies.) If she is in an HMO contact them and tell them you cannot do - and list what you need done).

Sorry you aren’t getting the help you need. That’s an awfully heavy load. I’m a widow and I cared for my dad for his last 9 months of life and he needed 24/7 care as well. Both my sons helped when they could but it was a big job. I wasn’t trying to hold down a job of make a husband happy so I could give it my full attention. Do you belong to a church? Often times you can get help and support from them. My dad also qualified for a certain amount of hours of care for free through a local state agency so that helped me have some respite. I also had an iCloud camera in my dads room so I could keep an eye on him if I was outside or if he was under the care of someone else I could check and see that he was safe. The camera helped me also make sure he didn’t try and get up at night on his own. I got some great diapers online called Serenity TTN (Through The Night) which were very absorbent so there was no need to change diapers at night. I put plenty of washable pads and a chux under him too. I also saw a counselor during this time (which the same agency that paid for his care covered the cost of for me) and that helped me sort out the various struggles I was going through. Hope you are able to get more help and support!

Yes, I am an only child and was the caregiver for both parents. Sadly, my dad passed away and after 57 years of marriage my mom withdrew and her health declined dramatically. I continued to work a full time+ job (balance that with incontinence and falling). I began to have heart issues and then turned to my mom's physician who somewhat took over. He had Medicare Home Health come out 3x/week for showers. While there, they would change her bed, clean her bathroom, check / fill meds, That's all good but aids quit often and there are good and not-so-good. Like you, there was the angst of *IF* someone would show up at the appointed day/time. I had guilt anxiety that I wasn't doing enough. SO...I get it! I understand your concern, stress, and work overload. Mom's physician realized **I** needed the break so he suggested we admit mom to a rehab facility, which is part of our nursing home. I recharged and guess what...mom enjoyed it so she was admitted as a full-time resident. She is no longer a prisoner of our house and has constant interaction with nurses, aids, and people of her own age. She is under constant supervision and they have better equipment for her care. This is about you, not me. I wanted you to see we are here to support you and let you know you are not alone. Many of us have thought we were doing the best for our parents (and tried) but it isn't always the best for all concerned. We have damaged marriages and relationships, our own health..mental and physical. My suggestion is to begin with your mom's physician or a geriatrician, then discuss your options with Department of Health and Human Services; they too are a great resource. If you have a local college, sometimes their nursing students would like to earn extra money and can help you during off-hours; you can work through the Dean of Nursing for names or suggestions. Good Luck and Chin Up!

I am also “an only child” taking care of my Mom with dementia for almost two years. Initially, I considered myself lucky because I was retired and had my husband and young adult daughter available to help. However, shortly after mom moved here my husband died and daughter moved out. Also, mom’s dementia worsened and made her very combative, incontinent (with urine and feces), and immobile.
I wish I could say that I have all the answers, but I don’t! With that said, here are some things I have learned:
- Get control: Because my mom was so stubborn and no longer able to make decisions, I had to go the extremely expensive route of getting guardianship. However, I’ve known many folks who did well with just a durable power of attorney. Without doing this I would have not had the ability to make necessary financial and legal moves for my mom.
- Get support from every source possible: I have discovered that The Alzheimer’s Association, my local Agency on Agency, and support groups had invaluable information. Also, even though they might not always be able (or willing) to provide hands on help, family and friends are essential for reminding us that there is life outside the dementia prison!
- Admit when her care is above your pay grade. If your loved one is blessed to live long enough with this disease, it is likely that it will be too much for any one person to handle. Explore the options now for when that happens. I’ve had to use respite care, aides, sitters, hospitals, rehab, and currently memory care and hospice. It is possible that I will need to use a nursing home before mom finishes her journey.
- Learn about government programs. I’ve had to learn more about Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, and the VA’s Aide and Attendance program than I ever wanted.
Good luck!

I am an only child as well. I do understand what you were going through. My mother is 85 and I am 56 and left my job through medical disability due to a bad back and five neck surgeries. I’m pretty sure that was one of the happiest days in my mother’s life.My mother expects me to be your best friend, I cannot leave the house without her. If I go to Walmart she wants to go and just sit in the car while I go in and shop for groceries. She can’t walk she’s in a wheelchair and she expects me to take her out to eat at least once a week. So I have to wag the wheelchair lift it up out of the vehicle by myself push her in and out and then load it back up. Oh I forgot to mention that I have a partially torn rotator cuff in one arm and the other one is not far behind. If I want to go out of town or on vacation she wants to know when we are leaving. She moved in with me in 1995 because she decided all of a sudden she was scared to live by herself at age 60. I get so angry because she is so demanding. My oldest son is working in Mexico for the next few months and she expects me to take her. I told her I can’t take you anymore physically I can’t do it. So she decided she’s going to call my ex-husband to find out if he’s going to visit. I have no life, no friends anymore and if I do go on vacation I have to take her because I will never hear the end of it. She expects to be catered to 24 seven and I’m at the point I just can’t do it anymore. I feel so guilty because I am so angry. Whatever I cook for dinner she doesn’t want that. She was in rehab for six weeks last year, but called me every day to either bring her something or come get her clothes that she needed to be washed. I thought I would get a break but it truly wasn’t any better. I know she would be better off in assisted-living But truly I don’t know if I can deal with the guilt that she would put on me. I’m sorry if I sound hateful I just really needed to vent.

I did it for 5 1/2 years. Hubby and I are both only children, my Mom lived with us, but we also had to look out for his Mom who was living independently but her health was going downhill. We lost my MIL in 2018 and my Mom in 2019. Honestly? working part-time in our business outside the home and working from home the rest of the time and basically being a full-time caregiver to my Mom who had Lewy Body Dementia? and now that my Mom has passed? I have no idea how I did it, and I feel now that I have PTSD, it was that traumatic. Many times I said I don't know how much more I can handle this, but somehow managed to do it. If I had to do it all again would I do it? yeah I would. My Mom was an awesome Mom and she deserved going out of this world knowing she was loved and surrounded by that love instead of being surrounded by strangers. I'm not judging anyone who made the decision to put their loved one in a nursing home or skilled facility, everyone is different and have to make choices that are best for them.

I had to move out of state and in with my mother to provide care for her due to her inability to make a decision where she would live into old age. Hard? Yeah. But she left me no other option. And I was the one-woman show.

Ask yourself what you would want from your children when you are in that situation. I’m sure you would rather they visit you in a facility where you are cared for. To be very honest, if you carry on looking after your loved one 24/7 then you will be a train wreck.
Also maybe even consider it a blessing that you may make decisions as a sole child. Having siblings can be helpful but also can complicate decisions.

Have you thought of assisted living? It is very honorable to take care of your mother but it sounds like you’re overwhelmed. And you have to consider your health and mental health.
I am disabled and knew i couldn’t take care of my mom so she went into assisted living. Even then I was running to the home all the time because she was in and out of the hospital.
I now care for my Autistic sister after my mom passed and she lives with my husband and I. Every day is a challenge.

if you want to chat, I’m here. Good luck

Southern, you are a wonderful caregiver to your mom. I am an only child that cared for my mom for many years, the last 2 she was bedridden in my home with multiple health problems. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband during this time was hospitalized with heart problems. I also had a spontaneous retinal detachment that required surgery. My mom finally found peace four years ago. After a yearlong break my husband's only sibling, his sister who was living with his mom, died and left my husband and I to care for his mom, 89. We are now in round 2 of caring and not knowing what each day will bring. The worse my mom got, the less I heard from her or my "friends". Relatives live in Europe. I got through it by compartmentalizing, taking things one day and sometimes one hour at a time. When my mom went on hospice we had a wonderful nurse and 2 caregivers who came in a couple of times a week. This made things so much better and I felt less alone for the last 7 months of her life. I am still angry at the "runners" who have now run again. You really learn who your friends are and are not at this time. Take it a day at a time, know you are doing your best under the circumstances and doing all you can. Don't forget to take little moments for yourself, even a good cup of coffee or tea. The little things add up. I would also put a little vase of flowers on my mom's food tray each day, and put family photos on her dresser to cheer her up. I wish you and your mom all the best!

Only child caregivers seem to have this picture of the Waltons in their heads when it comes to caregiving ~ I think that even in larger families the burden of care almost always falls to one individual. It's not necessarily because sibs aren't caring or there are dysfunctional dynamics, it's just that caregiving often means a 24/7 live in arrangement, even when caregiving hasn't reached that intensity it is usually just more practical that one person be in charge of healthcare and financial oversight. If a sib is available to provide some assistance a few hours of respite here and there is just a drop in the bucket when measured against the continuing daily long term need.

My husband is an only child. When his mother needed 24/7 care, that was provided in a nursing home. Private pay until the assets were used up, then Medicaid.

Not sure where you live or Mom's financial status but I would try calling your state (or towns) Office on Aging. They may be able to help you find some resources for home care. They may also be able to explain any options you might have for institutional care should that ever become necessary. I feel for you - I am an only child and took care of my Mom for 3 years after her stroke. Worked full time although luckily it was in the medical field.