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I've been visiting with the mother of one of my best friends who died this past spring due to cancer. I'm still in shock or disbelief I guess. I know how much it hurts me. I can only imagine what his mother is going through. Her grief is palpable. We share our feelings about him, the unfairness, the loss.....and are planning to visit his grave soon. I thought this would get easier, but, I'm still hurting and so is she......I'm not sure she's going to get through this.

holidays shmolidays ,
the fn pain never goes away .
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Reply to captain
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I lost my daughter at 33 years old almost 8 years ago. Your friends mother will never get over losing her son. The grieving never ends, we just learn how to carry it with us. You are a blessing to her. She needs someone to talk and share with and someone who will talk about her boy. Many people seem to dissapear as they don't know what to say/do, when all that they need to do is be there.
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Reply to sandy1955
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You should never feel guilty about grief.
Someone aptly wrote....
Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.
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Reply to Lovingmycalling
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Thank you for your input and kind words. This experience has taught me a lot. I now reflect on life more so than ever. I keep asking myself, if this great person was taken away so early, then what is going on? It just seems so unreal. This man was the kindest, sweetest, funniest, devoted person, I think I've ever known. He got me. We didn't even have to speak......so, with him gone....my only solace is that I'll see him again one day!
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Losing a child is the world turned upside down.

It shouldn't happen.

You can develop coping mechanisms, but I dont believe to ever "move on" as you do from the loss of a parent or a spouse.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 20, 2019
I so agree... my sister lost her 36 yr old son last year....i cannot imagine losing a child. Ive lost my dad, husband, grandparents and all aunts and uncles, even cousins from my generation. But a child, i dont think theres any “getting over” that.
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I've decided to have a moment of tribute to my friend when I go with mutual friends to FL in Jan. It'll be the first time at the ocean since he died. He loved the ocean. I'm not sure what it will entail, but, probably some music, a poem and moment of silence. I can share with it his mother and I think she will like it. Another mutual friend just planted a tree in a local park in his honor. I shared that with some photos with his mother and she was so touched. I'm going to see if we can place a plaque there in his memory.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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I am a parent that has lost an adult child.
One of the phrases I cringe whenever I hear it from others and that has been echoed here several times is, "I can't imagine what you are going through." Please imagine or don't, but stop saying it. Simply, saying, "I am sorry," is a thoughtful and kind response. Another one is, "Is there anything I can do for you?" A hug is helpful too.

As I get older (67), I miss not being a grandmother or having grandchildren of his to see the generations in my family grow. Seth was my only child. I encourage people having children to have at least two. My older sister passed away, and I see how fortunate my mother (89) is to have me take care of her and all the myriad of extensive responsibilities it entails. It is critical to have an advocate as we age and I represent that for her well being. I am also acutely aware that I have no one as both husband and son passed away.

One of the books I read on grief shared how it is not something you get over like a cold or the flu. Our children will always be a part of us--the most we can hope for is to find a way to integrate the loss into our lives. I teach college math and by helping other students that were my son's age when he passed, helps me give back to them in their quest for success.
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Reply to bpearl
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My parents and I lost our firstborn infant sons. When people choose not to deal with their grief, it manifests itself in many ways. My parents had a tumultuous marriage and my childhood was marred by trauma. Since my mother suffers from depression, we went to family therapy when my son passed away. I was worried she was going to relapse. She stopped going after a few months but it was helpful.

The best gift you can give to any bereaved parent is to speak their child’s name and ask about their child. I think what you’re doing is wonderful. The pain never goes away but softens over time. It’s been over 40 years for my parents and three years for me. Hugs and blessings to you both.
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Reply to Anita991
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RedVanAnnie Nov 23, 2019
Talking about the person who has died and sharing memories is wonderful therapy. Good of you to offer that reminder.
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My brother died in 2012 at the age of 53. We all still mourns. Mom always says, "Things would be so much different if Bobby were still alive," and it's true. All I can tell you is that it gets better but never all the way.
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Reply to NewandTrying
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I am so sorry for you all. There is no time limit for grief. The Holidays are so hard for people who have suffered a loss at any time, and your grief is fresh. You are a wonderful friend to care so much about his family. I’m sure he’s watching down on you and smiling.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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