Any thoughts about how seniors deal with losing an adult child?

I am so sorry for you all. There is no time limit for grief. The Holidays are so hard for people who have suffered a loss at any time, and your grief is fresh. You are a wonderful friend to care so much about his family. I’m sure he’s watching down on you and smiling.

holidays shmolidays ,
the fn pain never goes away .

My brother died in 2012 at the age of 53. We all still mourns. Mom always says, "Things would be so much different if Bobby were still alive," and it's true. All I can tell you is that it gets better but never all the way.

Losing a child is the world turned upside down.

It shouldn't happen.

You can develop coping mechanisms, but I dont believe to ever "move on" as you do from the loss of a parent or a spouse.

Thank you for your input and kind words. This experience has taught me a lot. I now reflect on life more so than ever. I keep asking myself, if this great person was taken away so early, then what is going on? It just seems so unreal. This man was the kindest, sweetest, funniest, devoted person, I think I've ever known. He got me. We didn't even have to speak......so, with him gone....my only solace is that I'll see him again one day!

My brother died in 2013. He’s always on my mind. I can’t imagine the pain that my mom felt when he died, her first born child.

I don’t think it ever gets easier. You just learn to live with it.

Im so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. And with the holidays upon us, it just makes it difficult to deal with. Take time to grieve and maybe soon yall can begin the healing process. Its so different and difficult for each of us. Just know there are those who will think of you daily in prayer and meditation.....healing blessings coming your way...Liz

I lost my daughter at 33 years old almost 8 years ago. Your friends mother will never get over losing her son. The grieving never ends, we just learn how to carry it with us. You are a blessing to her. She needs someone to talk and share with and someone who will talk about her boy. Many people seem to dissapear as they don't know what to say/do, when all that they need to do is be there.

My nephew died at age 21 years old in 2003. My brother and sister n law were both 50 when it happened. They never got over it. I see the pain they are in. I really can’t imagine what they are going through. They both were so very close to him and their only son.

You should never feel guilty about grief.
Someone aptly wrote....
Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.

I've decided to have a moment of tribute to my friend when I go with mutual friends to FL in Jan. It'll be the first time at the ocean since he died. He loved the ocean. I'm not sure what it will entail, but, probably some music, a poem and moment of silence. I can share with it his mother and I think she will like it. Another mutual friend just planted a tree in a local park in his honor. I shared that with some photos with his mother and she was so touched. I'm going to see if we can place a plaque there in his memory.

I am a parent that has lost an adult child.
One of the phrases I cringe whenever I hear it from others and that has been echoed here several times is, "I can't imagine what you are going through." Please imagine or don't, but stop saying it. Simply, saying, "I am sorry," is a thoughtful and kind response. Another one is, "Is there anything I can do for you?" A hug is helpful too.

As I get older (67), I miss not being a grandmother or having grandchildren of his to see the generations in my family grow. Seth was my only child. I encourage people having children to have at least two. My older sister passed away, and I see how fortunate my mother (89) is to have me take care of her and all the myriad of extensive responsibilities it entails. It is critical to have an advocate as we age and I represent that for her well being. I am also acutely aware that I have no one as both husband and son passed away.

One of the books I read on grief shared how it is not something you get over like a cold or the flu. Our children will always be a part of us--the most we can hope for is to find a way to integrate the loss into our lives. I teach college math and by helping other students that were my son's age when he passed, helps me give back to them in their quest for success.

My parents and I lost our firstborn infant sons. When people choose not to deal with their grief, it manifests itself in many ways. My parents had a tumultuous marriage and my childhood was marred by trauma. Since my mother suffers from depression, we went to family therapy when my son passed away. I was worried she was going to relapse. She stopped going after a few months but it was helpful.

The best gift you can give to any bereaved parent is to speak their child’s name and ask about their child. I think what you’re doing is wonderful. The pain never goes away but softens over time. It’s been over 40 years for my parents and three years for me. Hugs and blessings to you both.

You don't get over grief for a loved one who has did, but you learn how to carry it.

bpearl has a very good attitude about this. I lost a daughter about 40 years ago to suicide at the age of 20. She had two small children, age 3 & 8 months. She had postpartum depression after the birth of both babies. Little was known about it then nor where there few treatments to really help. She just never recovered. I think of her often and having two grandchildren to help raise has keep her memory in front of us. I encourage everyone to speak of their loved ones who have passed and keep their memories alive in that way.
My son lost his companion of 14 years this summer. She was 56 and had two special needs children from a former marriage that he had helped raise, so now he is doing his best to be sure they get the best care and are able to accomplish all the hopes she had for them. They are moving along and I try to help as much as possible, but it is hard.
Just recently a couple my age lost their son, and I have been sending them cards and reminders that they are not alone. I know that often after the funeral and all the visiting right at that time, people are often left alone. Just be there and if you need help, ask those who have said at the time "let me know if you need anything". They often don't know what can help so ask if you need companionship or any other thing.

Continue the stories of how your friend went through his life, his character that was his alone, the ways he has affected you, and the ways you remember him. He lasts within you and within his mother. Hold on to each other. I find that when I lose someone close it helps me to be with others who are also grieving that person's death. Even if we say nothing.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 4 years ago and it still feels fresh at times, holidays are worse. My dad died 25 years ago, and Christmas time has never been really good since. It feels like I fell off a ship and am treading water and watching the ship sail away with happy people in a conga line dancing away and not seeing me in the water. It doesn't help that there is so much fuss made about having "the perfect holiday"...which is really about someone else making money.
My MIL(89), lost her daughter,(55), a bit over 2 years ago to a drug overdose. She does ok when distracted by things, but when she is alone and begins to think a lot she gets episodes of illness, then recovers a day later. She will never get over the loss of her daughter, and harder to take that it was something that did not have to happen. It did get better after the first year.
Hopefully after this first year it may get better for you and your friend's mother, that you will be able to carry the grief and have happy memories of your friend.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 1st born to Ovarian Cancer in 2013, she was only 45 yrs. old. Losing your child is one of the most painful things I have dealt with and you feel so numb and empty inside, but as time passes, the pain lessens. Yes, you will miss them, yes, there's still that void in your life, yes, that empty chair during the holidays reminds you of your LO, but time does heal your broken heart. I still have moments, when someone mentions her name, that I tear up, but I'd rather have my moments than act as if she never lived. I try to always share memories of her, because she lived, she loved and she MATTERED to us. Take the time you need to grieve, grief has no deadline and we all grieve differently. May God comfort you and his mom and give you both a peaceful heart.

Having just gone through this with my family this May I will tell you it's hard. Then the woman had a tree fall on her house, lost dog due to cancer and broke toe that was already injured in 2004. Prayers going out to you. The lady is still grieving loss of husband at age 66 in 2011 - never got over it with all added things.

Everyone is different in dealing with grief. There really isn't a timeline. And there are different answers to what helps for everyone. Life is not fair, and I think I am perhaps lucky in never having seen it to be so at any moment in my life. It is full of loss and heartbreak as well as love and beauty. Feelings come in like weather fronts, more or less awful. I am glad you have one another's support. Try to see the joy of the life you lost, the wonder of the person, and try to celebrate that life, as well as mourning the loss of it. Recognize the beauty and gift and joy as well as the grief loss and tears. There is no "right" way through. We find our way through grief groping with blindness at times. In all truth, those I have lost I have never felt cut off from. They are still so alive in my heart and being, and in my daily life and choices. I am an atheist. I think often things are easier for us in that we have no one to be "angry with" over unanswered prayers. We recognize that death is as much a part of life as being born for the most part. A natural progression. It does hurt to lose people early, before their time, to be certain, and I often think of the grief of parents for small innocent children as likely the most devastating loss of all. Yet and all parents do get through, and some, who have lost children to senseless violence make of their grief a memorial, a giving, a life-work. It is different for us all. Just keep on keeping on. So very sorry for your loss.

I felt extremely bad for my mom when my brother died. My mother loved him very much. She did not express a ton of emotion outwardly after we buried him. She doesn't cry and carry on about a lot of things. I seldom saw my mom cry. It always shocked me to see her cry. She was the rock of the family. She was the calming force. She was sort of stoic. My grandmother was German. My grandfather was English. I don't think she witnessed much crying from them.

She always managed to get things done no matter what chaos was going on. Very rarely did my mom show tears. She has to be very upset to cry. I think that is would be devastating for my mom to totally lose it. She may see that as a failure or lack of control.

Sometimes we are numb from pain and don't cry because we are in shock. It will hit us later. Sort of like an after shock.

I think my mom chose to cry privately. My friend did that when her 8 year old son was diagnosed with cancer. She would go in the shower and cry. She did not cry in front of her other kids.

Most important is to continue to say their loved one’s name. It’s such a simple thing to do but many people don’t. It causes a parent so much pain as it appears their child has truly been forgotten. I lost my 33 yo son Brian 7 years ago. I was only 53 so many of my friends were still raising their kids. They totally stopped communicating with me. My family doesn’t even speak his name. But I was lucky that an artist did a painting of Brian from a photograph and it’s like bringing him to life. It comforts me in my darkest days when people let me down.

My heart goes out to all the parents that have posted on this thread about losing a child.

I believe that any time you have lost someone even though it hurts it helps to talk about them and say their name. After all, they live on in our hearts forever. Let’s cherish the happy memories.

From Spring to November really isn’t a lot of time to work through the loss of a child. Even if you believe in an after life & that they are no longer suffering, you still miss them.

Maybe even questioning if you played a part in their death such as....letting them eat too many hotdogs when younger (processed food)? What if it was some kind of chemicals in vaccines that you let them get? The xrays a woman has years before she’s even conceived (all unfertilized eggs are present at birth). All kinds of crazy thoughts that NO one who has gone through this would ever consider!

It takes a lot of time to work through the loss of a child. Most mothers would die for their child in an instant & we loved them before they were even born. When a child dies, we bury them quickly, but our dreams & hopes also have to be put at rest. And of course our love for them is still very much alive & real, and will be for the rest of our lives!

Do you know her sons’ favorite food, or movies he especially liked, magazines, etc.? Every once in a while take your friend something that her son really liked or watch a favorite movies together. My sister knows my son loved Charlie Brown and she’ll bring me little Peanuts Gang Happy Meal toys, candy tins, stuffed figures, a drinking glass. It means the world to me & she doesn’t have to make a speech or even mention why she’s giving it to me.