My mother is 74 and is slowly showing more and more cognitive decline. One the ways that this is showing up is in her finances and spending. About a year ago she went from working 40 hours a week to a job that is somewhat seasonal and or as needed. This was a choice that she made. She was already not the best at managing her money. And now it's a 1,000 x worse. She gets her social security check at the beginning of the month and roughly about 12 days after she gets it ... its GONE ! ( and nope not on bills, just on whatever ) So, then she spends the rest of the month asking ( mostly my daughter who is temporarily living with her ) for money for food, gas, etc ... I have offered on multiple occasions to help get things organized with her finances and she basically refuses ... she agrees to it but then keeps coming up w/ excuses about why its not a good time or that she is going to get a social worker to help her. It's fine if she does not want help ... but what's not fine is this vicious cycle of constantly running out of money and then wanting someone to pick up the pieces every single month. So, do you just put your foot down and demand to help or do you just start saying nope every time she ask for help ????
Until you all stand up to her and quit enabling her, this bad behavior will continue.
Remember NO is a full and complete sentence.
It is time to have the hard talk, the long sit down about seeing the doctor, about finances and etc.
Make it clear to your mother that you cannot force testing, nor can you force her to share information about her finances, but if she refuses help then you do not EVER wish to discuss money and finances with her again, and you certainly will not be contributing to giving her money, having no idea her real circumstances.
Then stick to that, and watch carefully for further signs of decline, and for any evidence of where her funds are disappearing to.
There is honestly very little she can do, and if she is working all her life and still working at 74, as well as receiving SS, and BROKE? There is a good deal more to worry about than you could ever guess at, I am thinking.
Make sure she isn’t being scammed. She may be trying to keep you from finding out unless you already know what the “just whatever” is, I just found out recently that a late uncle of mine was scammed twice to the tune of $280,000.
Some people don’t adjust to having less money and will keep spending as if they still have the same income as with a previous job.
Then there is gambling, as in lottery tickets, etc.
Fast forward MANY years (when I was already an adult) and my mom divorced my dad because he was a serial philanderer. They split the assets and went on their merry ways. Dad had always loved to play the stock market and gamble at casinos. He got early onset Parkinson's (and then Alzheimer's later in life) from car accident trauma, and his addictions became worse. In his early 70's towards the end of his life, my sister took care of him and told me there were times she didn't know if he would be able to make ends meet after he paid for AL because he continued to play the stock market and gamble even with severe cognitive decline. Most of his money was gone.
My mom has pretty much p!ssed away any cash money that she might have saved over the years, also. She does own her modest home free and clear, so all of her "wealth" is tied up in the house. She has an IRA with not very much money in it, plus gets SS every month. Like your mom, she ends up spending most of it on "whatever." She severely needs dental work, but does not want to pay to get it done. She's extremely vain and still I can't believe she's going around in public with a missing front tooth! But, when it comes to money, she absolutely will not use it to take care of herself. $4k for new window coverings? Sure, why not? Buying the Farmer's Dog specialty food for her 3 dogs? Of course! She does not buy herself anything nutritious to eat - it all comes from cans.
I was my mom's POA until a few months ago, and I tried ever which way to help her manage her finances over the years. She either wouldn't let me or come up with excuse after excuse. Then she got very angry with me recently over an event that did not happen the way she "remembers" it did. She went straight to an attorney, who shockingly deemed her competent enough to make critical decisions, and removed me as POA and wrote me out of her will.
This is a very LONG answer to your question, but I really think you should just start saying "nope" when she asks for help. Your daughter should also not be forking money over to Grandma, unless it can be seen as some sort of rent she owes from living in her house.
Good luck to you. I see a lot of your mom's behavior in mine. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING, I did helped the situation. It only made it worse.
Is there money going to gambling, smoking, un-needed compusive shopping? Or talk of a 'friend' or relative that needed loans? What about scam investments or multitides of charity donations?Streaming services or other subscriptions?
My LO had no money left for groceries one week. Had signed up to 6+ streaming services, had multiple small pay-by-installment purchases & other subscriptions all sucking the money out.
These things creep up & need a good cull often.
If you are willing to take on her financial mgmt, consider getting the paperwork ready to go and a script to talk to her the next time she hits a crisis -- i.e., if you want my help, here are the terms: you sign a durable financial POA, provide the passwords to your various accounts, and switch to receiving a cash allowance.
Change the passwords, set her up with view-only access, and set up bills on autopay as much as possible. Set up a budget that only provides minimal spending money for frills, slim down household spending with lower-cost grocery etc items and sources, look for budget drains (i.e., keeping money in near-zero return funds, overpaying for insurance coverage, out-of-pocket payment for paid-up life insurance premiums that could be covered without additional buy-in, unused subscription services, trash services with jacked-up prices in areas where you can shop around).
We reduced my in-laws annual expenses by more than $30k just by plugging holes, shopping around, and moving away from name-brand products at high-priced shops.
Once there's a true picture of income and expenses, if she's regularly in the red you can look for income-based assistance, food shelf resources, meals on wheels, etc., to help reduce expenses.
Otherwise there is little you can do with someone competent who has always made poor decision, getting worse.
And yes, you absolutely say no to any asking for money.
You will need every single penny you can save for your own aging, on top of a good job, and good luck plus a whole mess of coupon clipping. That's the truth.