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My parents are both still alive but live 1500 miles away. I do visit as often as I can and the caregivers/ nurses for my mom are constantly in contact if anything happens. (She was moved to the Assisted wing of the complex they were living in (Independent apt). Dad took care of her for many years. He is in independent living still in the same complex and does share meals with mom occasionally. She has dementia that has progressed past the angry disagreeable stage into a more gentle quiet place. Being around her is difficult as she is in her own world and while sometimes talkative is usually just quiet. Dad is still active with golf and cards and his also aging club buddies, most of who have passed on. He plays with all the original bones in his body 9 holes of golf every day if weather allows. His mind seems sharper then my own sometimes! His Mac D is progressing slowly thanks to regular injections and he has found it difficult to drive so is weening himself onto uber and taxis. He is well off thankfully and expenses are not a problem although he does complain about it to me. He couldn't see mom's pills and was definitely caregiver burnout and she was "wandering" off the property so we had to move her for her own safety. She seems fine- we moved her almost 1/1/2 yrs ago. She is 92 and walker trots all over the place although she hasn't figured out where their old apt (and Dad) are within the complex (Which is a good thing). So his sadness is not some big clinical depression because he misses her, but the realization that his "life" is shrinking to those things he can still do. With the Mac D we have gotten him the big reader screens, books on tape, headphones for his TV ( he also has to wear hearing aids) and set the computer screen larger so he can follow the curser, and read his emails. As an independent businessman all his life he recently sold out of everything (2017) he had built in his life so as not to leave a mess for his children, which took away alot of his daily tasks. He went down from 18 holes 2-3 times a week to 9 holes 4 times a week this year so he does love to golf! Just needs a ball spotter to tell him his ball is in the middle of the fairway! He used to go south for winters but since my mom's illness has not been able to do this. Flying alone is also more difficult for him. Does anyone have any uplifting ideas for his birthday I could do or give him?

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How about taking pictures from as way back as possible in his life, up to the present, and converting them on to a DVD disc. They can be added to his favorite music or a special song maybe his wedding song.
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Milesaway, I know gift ideas become more and more challenging when our parents get older.

Well, my Dad loved wine, we would drink only 4 oz a day, and he preferred the less expensive brands under $10 a bottle. So that made it easy for me, I would shop just price and find bottles of wine that Dad never tried. Thus, this made it so easy in Dad's later years buying him wine... he would say "I'll drink to that" :)

My Dad also had Mac D in one eye but it still made it tiring to read with the better eye. Dad did enjoy getting "Popular Mechanic, and "Popular Science" magazines. Not a subscription, just one of each picked up at the grocery store, that way Dad didn't feel like he had to rush to read the magazine.
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This would not be easy, but I'll bet it would be cherished:

Make him a book with a chapter for each decade that you knew him (or since he was born, if you have good sources). Put in your memories of him in that decade. First time he took you to the circus, fishing, a trip to a national park, making pizza with him ... whatever good things you remember. Perhaps a summary of big events that decade -- vaccine for polio, man to moon, etc. If possible, illustrate with pictures from that decade.
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I had a lap blanket made for my Mother in Law with Photographs on it from a recent event with family. She LOVES it. Sometimes it's on her lap or draped over the foot of the bed and sometimes she asks for it to be hung on the wall near her bed so she can see it.
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I'm in the same boat... answering to get notified of other answers.

So far, Yak Tracks - we live in MN and Dad still prefers to walk outside whenever possible in spite of the weather. About 3 miles a day.

Thank you to all the people who belong to this discussion group. While much of it is very depressing, I have gotten more ideas and assistance from this group than ALL of the doctors and 'specialists' for both of my aging parents. Mom has moderate dimentia... Dad is a little forgetful, but a burned out caregiver. Moving them to assisted living, that has MC apartments in the complex for when the day comes.

Y
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I’m like YS above, wanting to hear ideas. MilesAway, your dad is far more functional at his age than my dad is a bit younger. My dad has lost his wife, but deals with the same age related depression. It’s so hard on him not to be able to to do the things he used to enjoy. And gift buying is a definite challenge
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Is there something your dad always wanted to do but never did? First, this discussion can open some great communication and remembrances. This may take some time for him to recall some things, which is fine as there's lots of talking and thinking.

For example: he always wanted to try skydiving. If he's up for actually doing it, then search out those "tandem" skydiving where one person is strapped onto a professeional. Or, if he's not up for doing it, then surprise him with a Virtual Reality phone/software of a skydive might help get understand how it might feel. (I can only guess if this would work with his eye issues, but it might) You can make a production of the event with trimming of a parachute, an old pilot's helmet, whatever is fun.

Anyway, talking with him about something he always wanted to do can be uplifting, especially if you can help him realize it--or something really close.
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I have a couple of 'wacky' ideas. lol
Not sure if they will help, so I will just throw them out there. :)

Local church choir to sing happy birthday and may be a couple of his favourite tunes?
OR
Local veteran band (or if he was in a service contact them) again to play Happy Birthday and a Memorial presentation?
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He seems very active .. How does he get about ? Can you get him a gift card to uber or something ..So he can go to a restaurant or something? How about some music . Ive seen some pretty amazing things about music and the elderly ..I know it peps up my Mom. This might be out there a bit. But if he was in business all his life and is still sharp . There are places that give advice to new business owners. He might qualify for that and it would get him socializing. Not sure how well he can see. But my dad loved the old TV Roasts and Carol Burnett
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Maybe a short trip, it does not have to be extravagant, he will enjoy just being with you, and maybe other family can come. My dad loved trains, and had ALz. We did a short day train trip,, he loved it! The hearing would not be a problem there,, or a day trip to the shore ( we do drives through Assateague, etc, ) Maybe a state park for a special picnic?
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For my dad's 95th, we took the old home movies to a company that put them onto a DVD which we then watched. My dad doesn't really care about a gift anymore what he wants is family and experiences. A friend of mine's mom turned 100 and wanted to go up in a hot air ballon. Why not ask him if he has an experience he'd like to do. Can he travel to come see you? I know it's hard, but hopefully you have some ideas.
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Almost every post I read makes me want to recommend “Being Mortal:Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande.
Also (since you mentioned depression) I remembered the book “Marking Time” by Herbert Rappaport which had an interesting approach to checking our own mental health. Very simply, draw a line representing your life. Let’s say for your father the line would go from birth to 100 or 110. You place a vertical line across the perpendicular one that would represent 91. Starting with birth you list significant events. Perhaps the births and deaths of loved ones, education or career milestones. Anniversaries or favorite moments or tragedies. The events of his life that stand out to him.
Now the hard part for one of advanced age or really any of us that are in a mental decline, listing the things yet to come. These would be listed on the right side of that mark between 91 and 110. Kind of a “bucket” list.
Hard because sometimes we think all the important moments have passed us by. We do have to take stock of what would be a good thing considering our limitations. Some examples might be births of grand or great grands he’s looking forward to. Education or career goals for those he follows or for himself. Perhaps a class he would like to take. A party for his golf pals. Having a family reunion. Significant sights while he still has his vision. Visiting his parents graves or other significant locations.
A planned perfect day such as Atul mentions in his book. Perhaps a vacation with you even if it is just for a couple of days. A reminder to yourself to enable your father to go ahead live whatever it is that he is living for. If it’s golf perhaps there is a course he always wanted to play or simply visit.
It sounds like he has lived a good life with an understandable decline in mood from losing your mom slowly and divesting himself of his responsibilities and perhaps loss of purpose with the lessening of those responsibilities and not having her as a constant companion. My goodness that is a lot to adjust to.
So I’m suggesting you help your dad live a good life all the way to the end as Atul Gawande would recommend.
Your mindset will help him achieve that. Reading “Being Mortal” will help with that and that’s a great gift to give your father. To enable well being. Him deciding what good days look like in his final chapter.
What is a good day for him? Start there. A solid conversation on this and other important questions Atul raises in his book would be a fabulous gift for any parent to have with their child. I know reading this book and listening to interviews on line by Atul makes me more mindful of my elders goals and my own life goals for the future.
So yes, celebrate the date but also help him look forward to living his future.
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Write a letter telling him how much he means to you, things he did that taught you life lessons, how you admire the care he provided your mother, etc. Then record it and burn a DVD so he can play it on the computer or TV. Enclose it with a personal treat like Godiva chocolates or homemade cookies.
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Many older people feel they have no purpose any more and that nobody wants them. Tell him that you want to know more about your family history and give him the tools he needs to do that. Better yet, have a grandchild or great-grandchild ask. Get him a recording device he can speak into, or send him some kind of journal so that he can record the family history. One of the things I regret is that I did not find out more about the lives of my grandparents and their ancestors when I could have done so. You could even have one of his children or grandchildren interview him on a regular basis and ask him about his life and that of family members before him.
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A subscription to Golf magazine? A new putter or driver? Seems all avid golfers always want a new club, it will fix their game.😉
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The best gift would be you. What if you were to just spend the day with him golfing, cards, lunch and whatever else he enjoys. Just make him man of honor for the day. ?
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Some great ideas, everyone.

TNtechie, many years ago, I read "The Tribute" by Dennis Rainey (no, it has nothing to do with Hunger Games). That book, and "The Living Years", a popular tune at the time by Mike and the Mechanics, inspired me to write a letter to my parents thanking them for raising me and being great parents. Framed it and gave it to them for Christmas. It went over great then (over 20 years ago), but I'm not so sure I'd do something like that now that Dad's 90. He'd probably make a wise crack about getting started on his obituary already! If they are already depressed about aging, it might not go over so well.

Chocolate always works!
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Maybe spend the day with him at the golf course as his ball spotter for the day and bring his favorite lunch. That would be a fun memory and he would probably get a kick out of it :)
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Nobody wants to see the elephant in the room - but aging is about gradual loss of function. Surely, people must be intellectually aware of this but, for some reason, when it happens to them they cannot accept it. It's been my experience that men have a little more difficulty with this than women.

I'm not a big proponent of creating things like "memory books," because they are painful reminders of life's losses. I'd rather create daily activities for the person to look forward to that help them live each day to the fullest. It can be something as simple as arranging for an informal "afternoon tea" with a special dessert that the person enjoys.
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My dad had been in the military and when he moved near me, I took him to the Museum of Science & Industry in Chicago where they had an exhibit of a German sub that had been found and refurbished. And we saw a lot of the museum. He was in a wheelchair, so I was pooped by the end of the day. But he loved it. My dad had been very poor as a youth and we gave to the Boys and Girls Club where he went as a kid. That meant a lot to him. I also ordered books about the history of the town where he was born. He left it at 18 to go into the military but always had a soft spot for it. Is there anything special or meaningful about your dad's history that might be ripe for remembrance? Since your dad's a successful businessman, what about a small scholarship in his name at your nearest university's business school (or the school where he went)?
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Linkabit14, I guess it would depend on the Dad. About 20 years ago, when my Dad was already into his dementia journey and knew it and was depressed about it, I off-handily told him of an discussion I had with a college educated gentleman friend of mine who "thought he was so smart". With an electrical engineering degree, it had only taken my friend a month to figure out how to wire a three way switch in his garage. When my friend was very disappointed I didn't think this was a grand accomplishment, I told him he was just unfortunate that my father had set a standard few men would ever be able to meet. I informed my friend that during my childhood, I had been Daddy's gopher as he designed and re-keyed all the locks in a master system for 270+ buildings across 5 states (each building had its own master, each state had its own master and there was one master that opened everything), overhauled a car engine during a 5 day vacation, remodeled a 100+ year old house doing all the carpentry, plumbing, electrical, masonry and roofing work, and upgraded the well pump. That I was 14 years old before I realized that not every Daddy could fix anything that broke. Daddy had little formal education, but a house full of how to books that he studied often. When I expressed an interest in learning to knit, Daddy came home a couple of days later with knitting needles, yarn and a book on how to knit. He taught me that I could do anything if I was willing to work hard enough for it and learn from books (other people's experience).

Daddy did cry that day - only the third time ever in front of me. Apparently my determination to prove my independence in young adulthood had combined with my Dad's last defeat (when his dementia forced retirement) and conveyed to my father that I valued him less that some of my college professors or co-workers. His knowledge that I didn't even think they were in his league meant the world to him. I would spend the next decade or so telling him how I used what he taught me to accomplish my goals and he never grew tired of it; then his dementia ended all that.

I still believe the greatest gift you can give someone who has grown grandchildren and may be looking death in the eye is a testament that their life mattered, especially to the ones they loved the most.
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Techie, beautiful, moving, heartwarming tribute to your father. Thanks for sharing.
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Thanks to all for the great help on Dad's birthday gift! 97yroldmom- I have read Atuls book and it is wonderful reminder of "get living as we all will die soon " . I loved the idea of golfing and spotting for him and I have decided to write a letter letting him know how much he taught me over the years. Like Techie above, I spent many hours at my Dad's side "helping" with whatever project he was working on. He was a builder, a tinkerer, an entrepreneur, and hard worker. I think he will smile with some of the memories this brought to mind. I did try to ask if there was anything he wanted to "do" or place he wanted to go that I could take him but he really is done with travel and is content to stay closer to home. Thank you for all your help!!
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TNtechie, it sounds like your dad and mine are cut from the same cloth...smart but little formal education, driven self-starter who became a jack of all trades because you fixed anything that broke around the house or your own car. My dad's "how-to" books were Sam's photofact packets that he used to repair radios and TVs. This was back in the day when you could repair electronics yourself. I started listening to one of the short wave sets he had rebuilt. The next weekend, he brought me a Morse code training record; I got my ham license the next month. Similarly for my interest in baseball, music, astronomy, (pick any scout merit badge--he was the scoutmaster of my troop).

You expressed it much better than I have, but that's the reason I wrote the tribute back then. Even though he may wise-crack about it, I'm going to keep reminding him how important his presence and guidance was to me.

You're buddy is a EE and can't figure out a three-way switch? I think I would go back to the college and ask from my money back! :-)
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