My spouse has arranged to bring his elderly father with dementia and medical conditions to live with us and has not told me about it yet. It has been arranged with the sibling who has POA. Do I have any recourse other than to leave the marriage?
I think the quickest and most effective way to stop this is to leave, but not necessarily to leave the marriage. Tell your husband, and leave for a week as soon as it happens. No arguments, just do it. Get the cost of the week away, in your purse now. A week of this, on your husband alone, will change everything. You don’t have to threaten that this is the end of the marriage, just that it’s essential that DH really understands how much work and disruption it will cause. If he hasn’t got it after a week, do another week.
I agree with the others who said it's time for you to take a vacation starting the day before your father in law arrives. A nice long vacation, several weeks of it will usually do the trick. That way your husband can "do it all" without you around to "cause problems". They can work out a schedule that works for both of them or they can quickly realize that it can't be done. Either way they can't blame it on you afterwards.
Are you able to arrange to spend some time living with a friend or at a hotel for about a week at the that his dad is due to arrive?
Your husband sounds like someone who likes to avoid conflict.
Has anyone talked to the discharge planning folks about getting him admitted to the facility as a long term care, Medicaid pending patient? It doesn't sound like your husband or his sibling are very savvy about these things.
My DH really thinks he's going to bring his mother here to live out her 'dotage'. Sees no reason why I should be so 'selfish and self centered' as to refuse her a home. (May I point out she had plenty of money for the most posh ALF in the state. I mean, the MOST. It's not a matter of 'she'd be on the streets at all. I do not understand it, to be honest. I think he's feeling super guilt. SMH. That's HIS problem.
Um, this has been discussed to death and I told him he can bring his mother here to live. I just won't be here at all.
Once in a while he'll bring this up. I point out that MY mother doesn't live here. And never will.
He cannot guilt you into making this happen. I did a TON of CG for his father, but it was BY MY CHOICE and I set tight boundaries.
He wouldn't last 1 day with his mother here. I bet it's the same for you.
Since the moving of your FIL into your home is a “Done Deal”, I suggest that you look at some articles about Caregiving on this website. Click on “Care Topics” on the Blue Ribbon at the top of the page. Go to the Section labeled: Caregiving, Caregiver Support, Family Caregiver, Dementia, Activities of Daily Living, Aging in Place, Area on Aging Agency, and others.
Print out some of the articles and give them to your husband as you tell him: “I found some articles about Caregiving that I think you might want to look at since you are going to be taking care of your Father."
Here are some articles that I suggest: (Copy and paste URL to your browser)
Elder Care Plan 101: Set Yourself Up for Success as a Caregiver
Also, look at these Assessment Tools. Print them out and give them to your husband so that HE can assess what his father is going to need while living with HIM.
ADL (Activities of Daily Living/Self-Care) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/ADLforweb.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457
IADL (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living/Measures of Independence) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/Assessment%20of%20IADLs1.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457
https://consultgeri.org/try-this/general-assessment/issue-28.pdf [Preparedness for Caregiving Scale]
IF you husband tells you that he expects you to take care of his father, let him know again and again that you are not a hired caregiver. And if you are going to have to take care of HIS Father, then YOU WANT TO GET PAID for taking care of him. PRINT out a "Caregiver Contract" and present it to your husband and his brother and ask for a specific amount of money for taking care of their father.
If you work, DO NOT QUIT your job. Continue working. Offer to help your husband find Daycare or Home Health to take care of your husband's father.
This is going to sound weird: BE A TEAM PLAYER and BE PROACTIVE. Since your FIL is coming to live in your house whether you like it or not, attempt to make the addition of your FIL as graceful and as peaceful as you can (while seething inside). Help your husband and his brother to look into options for caregivers other than yourself. DO NOT VOLUNTEER to take care of your FIL out of FEAR or GUILT. If your husband complains about his father's care, tell him that HE IS THE CAREGIVER, not you; and then ask "How can I help you make the situation better?" (other than you doing all of the caregiving).
Then take a nice long vacation while your husband learns how to take care of his Father by himself.
I would ask Hubby when he is going to quit working....
he must be planning on providing all the care by himself, otherwise he would have included ALL the expected caregivers in the decision... right?
ok, so that was rather snotty. But, dementia does not get better. Even if all is well this month, I can assure you it will not be next year. Dad could very well be doing an awesome showtime for your hubby, and he is already advanced.
I guess it is the sibling that put you onto this...probably didn’t know hubby was hiding it from you. You need to have a much longer talk with this sibling and find out the nitty gritty of day to day caregiving with him. You might get an eye opener! Maybe sibling threatened hubby...like...”I am moving him out! Your house of a nursing home, but I am not doing this any more!” Find out what is really up.
Your DH has trouble setting appropriate boundaries with his brother. Do you, too?
I wish I could lend you my sister to be in your head. She would call your BIL and say "your father is not coming to my house. Got it?"But she would also be quite vicious and offensive about it.
Being more spineless and mealy-mouthed, I would probably call him and say something like "run this plan by me, please. I do need to know, and you do need my agreement before anyone comes to stay at my house." Sister's approach is more effective, but mine is at least a start.
Separately, you need to sit your husband down and draw him a picture. Here is poppa coming to stay at the house for "a few weeks." Next scene, here is poppa living here permanently, so that you and DH are the two parent birds with a big fat cuckoo in your nest and no way of getting rid of him. How are the two of you, a married couple, going to keep the cuckoo out? Only by not letting him in.
Your husband needs your help to stand up to his family. You need your husband to stand up to his family to save your marriage. Worth the fight, no?
Your have made your point before. He says he can do it alone. Then let him. I agree, don't take it out on FIL. Make FIL as comfortable as you can. Don't take it out on him. Set boundries now if u see or know there may be problems. There was a poster whose FIL thought she was a slave. She was to jump when he wanted her to do something.
With your husband, be supportive but make him realize that this was his decision. That now he needs to figure out how and what kind of care ur going to get. If u work, don't give it up and either should he, these are the years you need to pay into ur SS. POA should give u money to pay for caregivers for FIL. Don't let the POA intimidate you. I have a feeling they r trying to save money for inheritance.
Sherryberry, you said “I mentioned my going to visit a friend in another city and he got very angry”. Your original post said “Do I have any recourse other than to leave the marriage?”. If you leave the marriage, DH is going to be more than angry! And the fallout from divorce is a whole lot bigger than dealing with a temper tantrum.
You seem to be quite clear that DH and BIL are not going to change their minds by persuasion. You are going to have to make up your mind what steps you are going to take yourself. It's hard, it's not fair, it's stupid and unreasonable, but "it's a done deal". It has to be you that undoes it.
Countrymouse asks ‘What are you afraid of?’. If it’s violence from your husband, being with your friend in another city is a good place to be.
Your husband sounds like someone who likes to avoid conflict.
Has anyone talked to the discharge planning folks about getting him admitted to the facility as a long term care, Medicaid pending patient? It doesn't sound like your husband or his sibling are very savvy about these things.
Um, this has been discussed to death and I told him he can bring his mother here to live. I just won't be here at all.
Once in a while he'll bring this up. I point out that MY mother doesn't live here. And never will.
He cannot guilt you into making this happen. I did a TON of CG for his father, but it was BY MY CHOICE and I set tight boundaries.
He wouldn't last 1 day with his mother here. I bet it's the same for you.
Print out some of the articles and give them to your husband as you tell him:
“I found some articles about Caregiving that I think you might want to look at since you are going to be taking care of your Father."
Here are some articles that I suggest: (Copy and paste URL to your browser)
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-tips-taking-care-elderly-parents-146706.htm
[New Caregivers: How to Prepare and What to Expect]
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/identifying-caregiver-burden-206799.htm
[A Free Self-Assessment Packet for Caregiver Burnout]
https://www.agingcare.com/ebooks?acst=335ab3f4-1f45-4fc6-b270-d0d2cf987ded
[Free Senior Care Guides--Family Caring for Family: Evaluate the care needs of your loved one and plan for the legal, financial and emotional components of caregiving.]
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/what-is-an-area-agency-on-aging-443213.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-needs-to-be-a-team-effort-154102.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/strategies-for-getting-and-staying-organized-while-caregiving-164830.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/supportive-services-can-help-caregivers-194769.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/summer-reading-list-for-caregivers-159645.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elder-care-plan-set-yourself-up-for-success-as-a-caregiver-195531.htm
Elder Care Plan 101: Set Yourself Up for Success as a Caregiver
Also, look at these Assessment Tools. Print them out and give them to your husband so that HE can assess what his father is going to need while living with HIM.
ADL (Activities of Daily Living/Self-Care) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/ADLforweb.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457
IADL (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living/Measures of Independence) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/Assessment%20of%20IADLs1.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457
Geriatric Mood Scale (Depression Screen) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/Geriatric%20Mood%20Scale.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457
https://consultgeri.org/try-this/general-assessment/issue-28.pdf
[Preparedness for Caregiving Scale]
IF you husband tells you that he expects you to take care of his father, let him know again and again that you are not a hired caregiver. And if you are going to have to take care of HIS Father, then YOU WANT TO GET PAID for taking care of him.
PRINT out a "Caregiver Contract" and present it to your husband and his brother and ask for a specific amount of money for taking care of their father.
If you work, DO NOT QUIT your job. Continue working. Offer to help your husband find Daycare or Home Health to take care of your husband's father.
This is going to sound weird: BE A TEAM PLAYER and BE PROACTIVE. Since your FIL is coming to live in your house whether you like it or not, attempt to make the addition of your FIL as graceful and as peaceful as you can (while seething inside). Help your husband and his brother to look into options for caregivers other than yourself. DO NOT VOLUNTEER to take care of your FIL out of FEAR or GUILT. If your husband complains about his father's care, tell him that HE IS THE CAREGIVER, not you; and then ask "How can I help you make the situation better?" (other than you doing all of the caregiving).
Then take a nice long vacation while your husband learns how to take care of his Father by himself.
Good Luck!! 🌷
he must be planning on providing all the care by himself, otherwise he would have included ALL the expected caregivers in the decision... right?
ok, so that was rather snotty. But, dementia does not get better. Even if all is well this month, I can assure you it will not be next year. Dad could very well be doing an awesome showtime for your hubby, and he is already advanced.
I guess it is the sibling that put you onto this...probably didn’t know hubby was hiding it from you. You need to have a much longer talk with this sibling and find out the nitty gritty of day to day caregiving with him. You might get an eye opener! Maybe sibling threatened hubby...like...”I am moving him out! Your house of a nursing home, but I am not doing this any more!” Find out what is really up.
I wish I could lend you my sister to be in your head. She would call your BIL and say "your father is not coming to my house. Got it?"But she would also be quite vicious and offensive about it.
Being more spineless and mealy-mouthed, I would probably call him and say something like "run this plan by me, please. I do need to know, and you do need my agreement before anyone comes to stay at my house." Sister's approach is more effective, but mine is at least a start.
Separately, you need to sit your husband down and draw him a picture. Here is poppa coming to stay at the house for "a few weeks." Next scene, here is poppa living here permanently, so that you and DH are the two parent birds with a big fat cuckoo in your nest and no way of getting rid of him. How are the two of you, a married couple, going to keep the cuckoo out? Only by not letting him in.
Your husband needs your help to stand up to his family. You need your husband to stand up to his family to save your marriage. Worth the fight, no?
Your have made your point before. He says he can do it alone. Then let him. I agree, don't take it out on FIL. Make FIL as comfortable as you can. Don't take it out on him. Set boundries now if u see or know there may be problems. There was a poster whose FIL thought she was a slave. She was to jump when he wanted her to do something.
With your husband, be supportive but make him realize that this was his decision. That now he needs to figure out how and what kind of care ur going to get. If u work, don't give it up and either should he, these are the years you need to pay into ur SS. POA should give u money to pay for caregivers for FIL. Don't let the POA intimidate you. I have a feeling they r trying to save money for inheritance.
You seem to be quite clear that DH and BIL are not going to change their minds by persuasion. You are going to have to make up your mind what steps you are going to take yourself. It's hard, it's not fair, it's stupid and unreasonable, but "it's a done deal". It has to be you that undoes it.
Countrymouse asks ‘What are you afraid of?’. If it’s violence from your husband, being with your friend in another city is a good place to be.
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