Any advice on restarting and rebuilding your life in midlife after full-time caregiving at home for years?

I understand your feelings of emptiness now that your responsibilities have lessened. It hasn't been very long since your mom's move to memory care. I wouldn't suggest doing anything drastic right now, but rather to begin slowly finding activities, preferably with other people. Do you have a job or was your full-time + job taking care of your mom? We all like to feel that we are contributing, so if you don't already have a job, would you like to find one that you like and maybe even get a small apartment in the town where the job is? Make the rural home a weekend place to go. Small steps toward building a new life is what has to happen now. Give yourself a break. This is really difficult. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed with all that has changed. One thing at a time.

I think it was a GOOD thing you did to move mom to Memory Care. There comes a time when dementia becomes too much for one person to handle alone at home. My mother went into MC herself at 92 and lived for nearly 3 years there, with excellent care & quite a lot of activities & stimulation every day. She was always busy with lots to do, thank God, and I know the quality of her life was better there than it would have been alone with only me for company. #Truth. She lived to 95 and the parade of caregivers through her room during the final week of her life was a testament to how much she was loved by them.

That said, I feel like you need to see your primary care doctor now for a possible prescription for anti depressants. You've lost yourself in the midst of caring for mom for so long. You're feeling unwarranted guilt for her having a disease that was not of your making, nor something you could possibly fix. Old age & infirmity is not within anyone's hands to fix but God's. Death is an inevitability for all of us, no matter what steps we take to prevent it. Wishing things could be different, or that we could be Superwoman doesn't change the facts of how things are. You may need a bit of help now that you're alone and trying to process what's known as anticipatory grief. And guilt for sending mom to Memory Care for 24/7 care. Anti depressants helped me a LOT when I was anxiety ridden after suffering a traumatic event in 2000. They cleared up my thinking so that I was able to relax and formulate a plan of action instead of stay mired in fear, sadness & sleeplessness. There is no shame in asking for help.

Once your head clears up a bit and you're able to smile again, think about rebuilding your life, one step at a time. You're still young at 52; certainly young enough to make new friends, date, join a book club, go on a singles cruise, all sorts of things. BUT, when you're depressed and not thinking clearly, it all seems undoable and impossible. You feel too tired and lethargic to do anything at all. That's probably where you're at right now, after being the sole caregiver to mom for so long. Now there's 'nothing' and you feel all alone and isolated.

Here is a link to a book, After Caregiving Ends, A Guide to Beginning Again: Support, Suggestions and Stories to Help You Heal and Step Into Next, by Denise M. Brown, that may be helpful for you to read:

https://www.amazon.com/After-Caregiving-Guide-Beginning-Again/dp/B09M9M888M/ref=asc_df_B09M9M888M/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=564725475526&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3525066860004235113&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9052218&hvtargid=pla-1599454523985&psc=1

Wishing you the best of luck. Sending you a hug & a prayer that all goes well for you, my friend.

Saint,, one step at a time my friend. You feel like its too much right now,, but chose something this week to move ahead,, and the other steps will be easier. As to a job,, maybe you have lost skills at your old job,, can you take an online course or two to catch up? or do you have a thing you enjoy that could lead to even a part time job to get you motivated,. So many places are looking for help these days,, maybe not high pay but a "fun"job? I would love to work at a bookshop, or a gift shop, or volunteer at an animal shelter! Get out and meet people that way! The first step is hard,, but you will meet people. Some people join a church, or try to reconnect to old friends.. you may find thier "petty concerns" are more bearable now that you can drop some caregiving

You are not alone! Take one step and one day at a time! You are still young!

I suggest to explore Meetup.com to join groups with interest like yourself and connect up with people in your local area.

Even though you aren’t a caregiver anymore, please find a caregiver support group. It will help! Also, find a therapist who can further assist you in getting back to life. You can’t do anything alone, just sitting in your home. You need help, and help is there…either in person or online. However you must seek it out.
Talk to your Dr, your clergy and go to Alz.org or National Counsel on Aging, they all should be able to get you in touch with help. Good luck!

First things first.

When was the last time YOU had a complete physical?

If more than a year, that's where I would start, if I were you. And I would tell the doctor *everything* you have described here. When was the last time you went to the dentist? Or the eye doctor? Had a mammogram? When we become caregivers, it is very, very easy to put our own health responsibilities and issues on the back burner. No time, no energy, sick to death of sitting in doctor's offices, you name it. It becomes almost a habit to ignore our own health needs and concerns.

If you go to the doctor and you get a clean bill of health, and you are still feeling so down and unenergetic, talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. You are very likely mourning the loss of the life you have known for a long time, and that is not uncommon. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist. Once you get into a better "head space" so to speak, the rest will come easier.

Good luck!

Good Morning,

If you are able, stick with the group--family, Church, YWCA. Basically, you need a handful of people who if you are not around people notice. You want to be noticed that you are missing if you don't go to whatever you decide to join.

Keep in mind, the family dynamics are not the same as when we grew up. I, too, am in m 50's. Today there so many divorced, single and blended families, find a "small" place in the best location you can find. Read the utilities "before" you move in. Realistically look at the place and say to yourself, "when I go to sleep at night, do I feel safe here".

There are also websites for people your age looking for "roommates" just like the college kids do.

Change can be good. The moves I feared and were apprehensive about turned out just fine. If they didn't I would move again.

Start cleaning out, keep good credit, join a Church, your local Y or buy a good pair of walking shoe. Put the radio on, open up the blinds and don't scare yourself. Don't watch any scary news or disasters on tv.

Right now is a very good job market. Every place is hiring. With the holidays' coming and I do say "Christmas" every retailer is hiring. I know you live rurally but maybe you could work online for a retailer from home since gas has gone up
just for a survival job to set your day. You need a "new normal".

Try a temp job from October through December. I have had a few instances in life where I had to start over. I have a lot of faith and Jeremiah 29 proclaims "I have come to give you Hope and a Future"!

Amen Sister...you will be in my morning prayers!

If finances are not an immediate problem, give yourself some time. You will adjust to your new reality. Please don’t just pick up stakes and move near your sister. It sounds like she has the care of your mother under control and you need the opportunity to let your changed circumstances sink in before you take the next step in your life’s journey. You are still young enough to get steady work and have an active social life.

Yo are not too old to build a wonderful new life. Start by just taking care of yourself. With Mom in a care facility you have retired from that job. Don't move there and start again. Start anew! Where do you want to live? What do you want to do? I took up scuba diving in my 60's!!

Your work skills may be rusty but there is a huge need for people with general literacy and competency for office work both at entry and managerial levels. Todays kids are so tech dependent that many of them don't know how to interact with people. Retail is always an option to start, as is any doctor's office or mid to large business managing communication (phone skills). This may not be what you did before, but it gets you started and gets you current work references.

There are loads of short training programs that can launch a career. If you liked caregiving, you can become a CNA with a short course. Private care pays well, although it is limited as far as increases in salary and/or benefits. You might also be appropriate to work for a private care company screening clients and employees, since you know first hand what is involved.

Best of luck, and don't rule out that there are people who will appreciate you.

When I'm in your shoes I'm going to use the same process that worked for me after my (ex) husband up and left me after 24 years of marriage and being a SAHM.

First, take the pressure off of yourself to get your life re-established in a certain period of time. Rest. Then take the first small step - it may be doing some cleaning out and purging. It may be just looking at new places to live. It may be talking with a realtor about the house. Just one thing at a time and then step back again and process the options before making a decision.

What brings you joy? Gardening? Painting? Resurrecting old furniture? Do that.

You could add to your education in an area that interests you. There are credentials that you can earn that will help you in a job search. Paralegal? Personal Trainer? At home medical coding? Lots of stuff out there.

Ditch the fear of new things if you can. Don't listen to the naysayers.

((Hugs))

You have just been through a very physically and emotionally draining experience being the sole caregiver for your mother for so many years. And you are now "unemployed" and have lost your status as a caregiver. These are difficult emotions to deal with in the best of times. Be happy that she is now in an assisted living/memory care facility near your sister so that the day-to-day burden of her care is no longer on you. Your sister may have seen your burnout, and she saved you. Please don't think of it as "caving" or anything negative. And please don't feel guilty. There are advantages to memory care/skilled nursing facilities, such as skilled staff. And they provide meals, activities, housekeeping, laundry, etc., which leaves time for you to visit your mother without having these things to do. You can devote your attention to the visit and helping to oversee her care. It might be a good idea to move close to your sister and mother so that you can visit your mother often, and hopefully you have a good relationship with your sister. You'll be able to work as a team with your sister overseeing your mother's care. It is good to be near family. Do something enjoyable for a couple of weeks, take a vacation. Give yourself some time to decompress. Give yourself some space to redefine your life and goals. Seek counseling for your feeling of burnout, for help transitioning to another way of life, and even grief counseling for the reality that your mother's health is declining and that you are no longer able to care for her by yourself. These are the sadnesses of the human condition and things we have to learn to deal with. You are still young. In time you will regain your energy and motivation and will need to think about your own career and future. You may need to learn some new skills after such a long hiatus from work. Whichever state you end up in may have programs to help job seekers find good jobs and retraining. Think about jobs that will give you satisfaction and will be suitable for this stage in your life and responsibilities. All the best to you and your family.

As a retired clinical psychologist, may I add that you don't need clinical depression to seek counseling. If you find a counselor who is a personality match for you, it can be very helpful. You can talk to someone who should have no agenda but to let you express your feelings, what you have learned about life and yourself. You needn't worry about being irritable, selfish, childish, sad, confused, disorganized, etc. etc. We all have those feelings but there often aren't too many people to express them to comfortably. Particularly, if you are somewhat isolated, it will be helpful to have someone like that. It sounds like you are lost without the heavy expenditure of energy and time you have experienced. That isn't too surprising when you think about it. This may sound silly but something like tai chi or yoga, suitable for your age, might be helpful, or even meditating. You might have a chance to just be and experience yourself free from all the demands you have experienced. The person who emerges may have clearer ideas of what she wants to do in the future. Would it be possible to stay near your Mom and sister for a longish visit to see how it seems to you? Good luck and give time and nature a chance.

WOW!!! you are a great daughter! My suggestion is to get a hobby. You can do this online. Or find a shop, in the city where you live. Crochet, knitting, painting or book, movie reviews club. Some kind of fun thing you can do, yet not be an expert at. Remember hobbies are for learning not for being an expert at. I hear a lot of people say "its not perfect" well, we aren't and when you are learning, your project won't be. That said, this class/club will introduce you to others and you will make friends. You will learn a new skill(s). Blessings to you and yours! ;)

I hope you take the advice that is given here. It is all really good advice. At 52, you are young enough to have it all. I agree with the person who said your sister saved you. You are so lucky to have a supportive family. Years ago, a therapist told me to act on everything I think I might like to do. This was in response to me bemoaning the fact that I didn’t have a life and too tired of trying. I’m single. She said if I thought I wanted to take up fencing, then do it, if I wanted a dog, get one. I didn’t take her advice until now, easily 20 years later! Don’t let yourself get stuck! Don’t go down the caregiving rabbit hole. It’s very hard to climb out. Thank your sister and become your mom’s daughter!

The first thing you should do for yourself is get in touch with a therapist because they can help you work through this. Even if you live rural, you can do therapy on line and with televisits.
Then think about where you WANT to be. Not where you think you will have to end up.
Is staying in your mom's house a possibility if you bought it? Could you live with your sister for a while so that you wouldn't be alone?
Would you consider working as a private-pay caregiver because you have so much experience in this line of work because of your mother. They pay can be very good if you work private.
What were your old skills and the job you did before caregiving? They may still be useful.

Hugs. My parents agreed to move to a care facility a little over a year ago. I had given up a job oversees to come back and live with them…but I ended up getting an apt nearby. They decided in the move AFTER I moved out…and we decided to sell the house. It’s been 3 years plus since I’ve been stateside. I feel exactly as you described. I turn 65 next month. I always thought I’d work until 70 or as long as I could. I loved my career. But now Im just too tired to even think about returning to the workforce. I have no advice…only writing to say you are not alone. I’ll be following to see what others may suggest.

I'm now 78 but when I was 62 I took care of my Mom with a stroke induced dementia for about 3 years while working full time. Luckily I never lost contact with my old friends (would check in via email just to say Hi even while caring for her) but about 2 months after her passing, I grabbed my camera and a book and checked into a hotel in the Shenandoah valley for two night. Got some great photos (I had no idea what I was doing... just got lucky) and got very immersed in the book that I read at night. It was a rebirth. The old mare may not have burst out of the starting gate but out I ambled. The sun was shining, people were laughing, music was playing and I decided to join the world again. Got a dog and took her to training classes met some people there and made a few real friends. Took a local dance class. Met some folks there and had a ball. Went to CA to visit some friends I'd made years ago. They took me to a ballet performance and afterwards we went to the ballet after performance celebration. There was low level latin background music on and while I was nibbling on my shrimp appetizer I did a very slight samba movement and heard a voice say " I remember you. And you did that move really well". It was a guy who'd been watching my dance class a year ago! He joined our party insisted we all have a late dinner and he and I have been dancing ever since!

So the world is waiting for you to join it. Doesn't matter how you get out of the starting gate as long as you get out. You don't have to have a dog to go to the dog park. Admire people's dogs and you will meet all sorts of people who are potential friends and sidekicks. Indulge in a hobby or something you always wanted to explore ........... painting, writing, photography; learn a musical skill ... piano, flute, guitar; learn a new language.... Spanish is pretty easy to learn and practice and could take you places in the future.
The world is waiting for your presence. Get out there and make yourself known!
Good luck and keep us updated

Of course, you are still in a bit of a state of shock at losing your accustomed role in your mother's care. Do not rush yourself, but as you continue to see to necessary matters concerning your mother's house, think about things you would like to be doing. Do you tead? Garden? Cook? Sew? Love animals? Does your "rural location" include a town? a church? a store? a library? Where do you shop or go for supplies? There are usually bulletin boards with community announcements as well as other people in the store or church or library you can approach. Is there a committee or a service project you could volunteer to help with? It would be a way to meet people and begin to become part of your community. Steadiness and time will help you find your place.

You're feelings are very valid! I took care of my "boyfriend's" mom by myself for only two years. Moved from another state. Gave up my old life, job, etc... I can tell you that it will take time. I'm 55 myself. She passed in June this year. I'm going to tell you to take care of yourself, for real! I use to be go,go,go and constantly doing before going there and while there. Now? I got my old job back, kept my house while in another state. I don't/can't work how I used to. It's now September and I'm still struggling to have energy to work and try to get through the everyday things. Not depression here as well. It beats you down. I still don't get enough sleep. Everything is exhausting. It will take time to get back to a somewhat normal routine work/life balance. I struggle but am committed to staying focused. You need to ask yourself do you really need to move near your mom. Someone will hire you. Someone will want to date you. Your life is far from over. I stay positive, hopefully you will as well. It makes a huge difference. Take baby steps. Is your mom's house being sold? If not, is it viable for you to live there? This old mare still has the spark, it's just taking a bit to get where I want to be. You'll get there! Stay positive and stay focused! Please above all, take care of you!!!

Girl u better get to getting and living. I would move near bc u may one day need help. Not only that u can go visit mom, meet to ppl. Start fresh go get ur new make over buy some clothes. Sign up with a job agency also sign up with AARP to get some discounts on travel, food and they have places to visit and things to do in this site just type in ur zip code. Ur still young stop thinking negative God Will Bless U! Go for it get online check things happening in ur new place also maybe u and ur sister and mom will be closer. Let go and let God!

Go walking, join a gym u can do it it’s ok. Get to gettin’ . I believe in u!

Your story is so similar it sounds like mine. I left a successful business I started to care for my wife. I have been thinking some low paid job just to pass the time or starting a new business. You are right things seem a little scattered after such an intense care giving job. I’m 63 now and job opportunities are not plentiful at my age. You do have many skills I have even thought the medical profession there are many jobs there.

Did you enjoy ur old job? If so, is it the type that you can go back to school to refresh your skills, than do it. If money is no object, than you could take any job you think you'd like. I always thought working in an antique shop would be neat.

After staying home pretty much in the the last 2 yrs, I found out I have to push myself to do anything. I agree, one day at a time, one step at a time. But you may have to push yourself to do it. This is the day I am going to...and do it.

You said your out in a rural area, maybe it would be better to move closer to Sis and Mom if there is nothing where you live. You said u and friends have nothing in common so new town new friends. But...you are going to have to work for that "new" life. Get a job, you will meet people. Even if its just eating lunch or going out for a drink with fellow workers its better than being home alone. I got to a point in my life that I did not go looking for friends as such. There are just people you just click with. Libraries seem to have so much more to offer than before because of Kindle. Ours, before COVID, had bus excursions. Great day trips and the people on these excursions were great. Volunteer. Church is a great way to meet people and volunteer. Maybe an exercise class. Not sure if its still done her at our High School, but night school.

I wish you luck. And update us on how things are going.

i feel your pain. I built a house with my mom to care for her. I have three siblings but none would help. I quit my job in June to be home full time with my mom only for her dementia to take her down quickly. She has been in a memory care home for a week. I’m 51 with a new husband and am trying to go back to work. The job interviews are few and far between even though I worked in education. It is scary to start over but we have to take things one day at a time and not let fear take over.

Don’t look at the “whole” take it day by day. Tomorrow start deep breathing then take a short walk. Next day the same and make one phone call couple of days later go shopping and make a point of talking to someone even if it just to ask what aisle is the sugar. Etc. By the way if you do start job hunting be sure to include the years you were taking care of your mom on your resume you might be surprised. You are a good daughter and a good person. Be proud of what you did for your mom. Good luck.
PS: don’t be in a rush to move.

First realize you are an absolute HERO. Your cape is just tattered and in need of mending. Start by enjoying small tasks, small things. Second, please realize you are YOUNG! I would love to be 52 again, but I am a YOUNG 67! Deep breath, smile, forward. Thanks for sharing your story.

Please seek out a Psychiatrist who can meet with you to do a restart on your life and he/she can write prescriptions that may help you through. your transition back into society and you need to explore options. Start keeping a diary so that you can discuss past, present and future. If you want to move to a more exciting location, discuss selling the house with whomever else is involved and start imagining yourself living where you want. You can meet with a jobs counselor and explore jobs that appeal to you. If you're financially set, please consider volunteer work: whether you work with pets, children, or your local food bank, it will bring you joy. I hope you won't get yourself stuck in care giving you've done too much already; your mother was very fortunate to have such a loving and caring child.

There are great wellness resorts for you to consider too............are you ready to explore them? Google, "Wellness Resorts." Happy Trails!

I’m 11 years older than you & I’ve been caregiver to my 95 year old mother with dementia for 5 1/2 years plus ..before this she walked but needed walker. I’ve had private pay aides help at home. I was Substitute teaching for about 3 days a week & now working part time in office. The aide stayed home with mom when I worked. A month ago the aide tested positive for Covid, & had to isolate for 5 days. Then a week later I got it & had to stay away from my mother! The day she told me that…instead of scrambling around for a backup/substitute caregiver, I called ambulance & got my mother to hospital & after that, short term rehab. She still in rehab facility. .I still have to come every day after work to feed her & check on her. I’m thinking about having same woman aide from I had at home come to help her finish her breakfast & lunch. . I feel more stressed coming here & dealing with a million people than just caring for mom at home with help from aide. There’s the Nurse, Dr. Dietitian, CNA , etc etc etc. Gives me a migraine. I signed retainer & gave check as well as 5 years of paperwork to Elder law Atty. I began working on paperwork last Summer. The attorney said, “You did a lot of work!” I made copies every check I ever made to caregivers. I’m now thinking I should have just left her home. & wait for aide to return…

I have started over and it is hard don’t beat yourself up! I am over the 4 year mark taking care of my mother alone in rural maine at age 63. I also took care of my dad after a stroke that was terrible. My advise get to a doctor get on some good medication that will help your moods and give you energy too. Get outside every day, and exercise when you can. Look up old friends and join some kind of recreation group if you can’t find people to do things. It is ok to do things alone! Treat yourself to a movie, new clothes kitchen gadget etc. I try to have something to look forward to even if it is small like a new walking trail. Get out of the house whatever go window shopping, walk your town, have coffee see people you can do it!! Not every day will be great but claw your way to a new life. Good luck