MIL had a brain injury and stroke 20 plus years ago resulting in partial paralysis on dominate side. Her spouse (her primary care giver ) died this past December leaving myself and husband to take that role. As we work 40 plus hours a week we need all the help we can get. She is getting more and more aggressive in addition to needing ever growing assistance with personal grooming. She has refused the introduction of home health care persons before (more of a territorial type thing).
some Drs feel it has risks but I believe in quality of life. It has allowed me to keep him in our home where I know he is happier. I hope you are able to get the help you need.
blessings to you
Can you invite a “friend” (psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker specifically trained in geriatric assessment) to “visit” with you at home and converse with you and MIL? A trained person can deftly identify a lot by casual questioning and conversation. If MIL should act out while examiner is present, her conduct may reveal useful information for treatment planning.
Although my LO had already been admitted to a memory care unit, her visit from a kind and empathetic member of a geriatric psychiatric group made the difference between night and day for her. She had been taking an antidepressant previously, but the medications recommended by the specialist allowed her to function much more comfortably, and significantly reduced inappropriate hostile behavior.
It would also probably be good for you to start assessing local resources for residential care, especially if you begin seeing escalation in her negative behaviors.
So hard to see a dignified LO begin this process. You and DH aren’t alone. Hoping you find some solutions that will be helpful for her.
It sounds as though her being cared for at home is becoming unsustainable. That her spouse was able to support her there for all those years is admirable, but it doesn't commit your husband and you to attempting the same.
Who is the legal decision-maker for MIL, herself or someone else?
If she is needing more assistance is this something that you will be able to provide and continue to provide.
If MIL can comprehend (I do not know how severe the dementia is) can you explain to her that she has 2 options. 1) accept caregivers that will come in and help her out as well as helping you out. or 2) You can not care for her is the best, safest manner and you will have to look for either Memory Care or Skilled Nursing facilities for her.
If she can not comprehend these concepts then you have to make the decision.
Is it safe for you to continue to care for her
Is it safe for her for you to continue to care for her.
Is your home set up to properly care for her
Do you WANT to care for her.
If any of these answers are no then really the only safe option you have is to look for Memory Care or SNF (skilled nursing facility) that she can move to.
Sometimes if you say that the care giver is for YOU the person that is needing the care is more accepting. The caregiver can "help" the person while doing laundry, light cleaning, making a meal.....
As to looking into facilities or hiring caregivers the expense should be on the person requiring care not you. If that means application for Medicaid you might also want to put a visit to an Elder Care Attorney on your list of "to do's". Even if funds are not a problem it is a good idea to consult with one.