We lost my 89 year old father last month. My 85 year old mother has dementia (but thinks she's fine). My sister and I live out of state but plan to visit every few weeks. We've increased the in home care from 4 hours 3 days per week to 5 days (with the goal of 7 days). The stove has been turned off. My mother uses a walker and we have cameras throughout the condo. However, the neighbors continue to let us (and the nurse) know that they aren't comfortable with this arrangement. And especially, that my mother is left alone at night. (I check frequently and she is either doing a puzzle, watching TV or reading before putting herself to bed). One couple has already sent a letter to the head of the condo association. This arrangement has only been in place 1 week and so far, I think it's going as well as could be expected. However, I am concerned that one of these neighbors will call someone on my mother which will create a much more serious problem for us. We are looking into assisted living but it takes time to make that happen. The constant "advice" and expressions of concern are only making a very difficult situation more stressful and anxiety filled. Any advice on how to deal with the neighbors?
Have you asked the neighbors if they have any concerns for themselves, rather than for Grandma? For example fire? It’s reasonable to deal with them, or tell them how you have already fixed potential problems (eg turning the stove off, which you have done).
Have you asked the neighbors for their own suggestions, and for their estimates of the cost involved? Ask for it in writing, which will probably cut down the 'constant' calls. It’s just possible that they have a couple of good ideas. Would you be willing for them to implement options if they pay themselves?
If this does get worse, it will be a big help for you to show that you have been very very co-operative. It leaves it much more open for the Condo manager to see that they are unreasonable and should mind their own business.
I don't think the neighbors are being unreasonable at all.
2. Consider getting a rollator instead of a walker. They're 4 wheeled, have adjustable height and handles, and some have a basket for carrying things. It's a lot safer than carrying something while managing a walker.
3. Beat the neighbors to the punch and ask the local police if they make regular wellness visits.
4. Call the local county and city/township and see if they also make wellness visits.
5, Contact the local Senior Center and get a menu, then consider getting Meals on Wheels on a trial basis to see if Mom likes their meals.
6. Turn the tables on the neighbors and ask them specifically what their concerns are. I.e., are they concerned, or nosy?
7. Get a life alert pendant with you and your sister listed as first contacts, then perhaps the police next. Do your research first, and well; some of these outfits that provide pendants and advertise online and in print aren't as good as others.
Interview them as well; those that just want to send you a brochure aren't impressive. The company I hired had begun its operations years ago as a home protection program, then segued into individual protection for elders. They were top notch, calling whenever Dad bent over. (That might be annoying to some people, but I saw it as a more intense level of service.)
8. Something you might consider if there are a few good neighbors is a lock box. Actually, it would be very helpful for first responders also. A key to the front door would be in it, protected by the lock, to which the lock code would be limited to you and your sister, police and/or fire department, and possibly one or two reliable neighbors.
9. Create a medical history chart, with contact information for you and your sister, other close relatives as well as names and contract numbers of health insurance companies. I also added an allergy history, list of meds, specific diagnosed conditions, hospitalizations (including basis, analysis, admission and discharge dates). Names and contact info for treating doctors was also included, as were dates of surgeries, purpose and condition treated.
10. I kept the Medical History in a 3-ring binder, together with a conformed copy of the Durable Power of Attorney (contact info for those parties was listed in the first section, along with relatives), or general Power of Attorney if that's what was created, and POLST or other medical directive for emergencies and/or end of life.
I created these medical and emergency binders for my parents to take when they became Winter Texans, so they could be available if anything happened down in Texas.
11. You might want to meet with the condo management and neighbors, and/or provide them with your plan for care, so that they're aware changes are in progress.
12. Florida from what I understand has a lot of services and caters to older folks. The local Senior Center may offer some additional services, such as wellness checks.
13. Check the smoke alarms every time you visit, just to be on the safe side.
The condo president, who knows my mother, was actually very understanding of what plan we had in place and even provided helpful resources. He knows we're working on it.
I can certainly understand the neighbors' points of view, especially since they "share walls" with mom. If you have turned the stove off, then you have an idea that it's just not safe for mom to be left alone, cameras or no.
Do you or your sister have POA for mom? Have you been in touch with her doctors to see what level of dementia she has? Does she have the financial means to afford AL? Do you have access to her financial records should she outlive her money and you need to apply for Medicaid for her? If you haven't already done so, I strongly urge you seek the counsel of an elder attorney ASAP and get expert advice on all of this.
One or more of the neighbors might very well call APS; as might the condo association, as I would likely do were I in their position. I'm sorry, but it does your mom no good to be living alone while you and your sister live out of state. You and/or your sister might have to seriously consider, for mom's safety, either living with mom or moving her in with one of you temporarily while you get other living arrangements made for her.
I understand that the neighbors might be making this more stressful for you, but that doesn't mean they're wrong about their concerns.
Well, it's kind of concerning that multiple neighbors are worried enough to get involved in the first place. And they see her every day. Unless you're living with the person with dementia you may not see the trouble they're routinely having. And a big life change is going to be tremendously disorienting for her.
That's a big loss for anyone, but worse for a person with dementia, as the routine they had with their partner gives structure to their day. The neighbor's are kind to be concerned about her.
Watching your mom online isn't going to help her if she gets into a jam. If she can't rescue herself then I'd get in the night sitter until you can find her a good AL or memory care.
Your mom has dementia AND thinks she's fine. That's the last person you should listen to on that.
Do the neighbors see her more than you do? They may have a better sense of what's going on with her than you realize.
Her cognizance may take a significant dive in the wake of your dad's death. In my mother's case, any medical or emotional crisis caused her to take a big drop from which she'd never quite recover. Dementia isn't a slow gradual decline -- sometimes there are big changes almost overnight.
Try to look two steps ahead in this scenario, because you need to be prepared for big changes that could occur at any time.
An acquaintance's very recently widowed Mother had to be hospitalized after sudden massive confusion & falls. One adult child said 'oh I think she'll be ok at home again'. Wanted to trial it. The other asked for honest feedback from hospital staff & then pushed for supervised care immediately. Poor woman was found crawling along corridors at night (not dressed) looking for 'home'. Never actually recovered & passed short time after.
It sometimes is lightening fast.
Why I ask is that when my Dad was living in Independent Living, Admin was suggesting it is time to move Dad to Memory Care, as he has been trying to leave the building in the middle of the night. That took me totally by surprise.
It's not up to them. You do NOT answer to them. Maybe they're good friends of hers with genuine concern. Maybe they're just nosy do-gooders. Who knows? They seem to be making a bad situation more stressful.
There is the possibility that the neighbors could place a call to APS. If and when that happens what will the response be when mom answers the door?
I think you need another plan. Either someone with her 24/7 or placement in a Memory Care community.
You can tell the neighbors that you're looking into Memory Care AL for your mom, but there's nothing more you're going to do about the situation in the meantime. If they all APS, you'll deal with that matter if and when it happens.
My mother has advanced dementia these days & sundowns something awful; when it first began, she started declining around 2 pm every day and her agitation got progressively worse as the evening approached. As the others have said, dementia can turn on a dime, especially after a loved one passes away & the elder is traumatized & alone. I would seriously look into 24 hr a day care for your mother until she gets placed. That will calm down the neighbors fears and get them off of your back too, not to mention it will help YOU relax a bit more. More help is never a mistake; less help can often leave you with regrets.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck getting your mother placed asap. Please be sure it's Memory Care AL you look into and not regular AL.
My dad covered for my mom because he truly didn't understand she had dementia. Many of her issues were attributed to her macular degeneration, and she also didn't want to go out in public like she used to, so most people had no idea how bad she was.
In my opinion, neighbors who were merely annoyed by Mom's situation would complain to the management. People who are truly concerned make the effort to contact the family as these people did.
People were so clueless about her condition that after Dad died and she moved into a nursing home (a full four years after dementia set in), she convinced a visitor that she had remarried and he spread that "joyous" news all over town not knowing that her new husband was imaginary.
2) show them the paperwork/evidence that you've ordered more in-home care, are making calls for AL placement, etc.
3) ask them what SPECIFIC incidences they continue to be concerned about. If they can't give you any, thank them again and assure them it's being handled as fast as possible given the covid and staffing obstacles. Also, there is a possibility that your mom is telling them stories about you or her care that are not true (but she believes they are). This is a common problem with people who have dementia/memory impairment.
Would the condo association allow one of you to live with her until you have the final care plan in place? Some places won't and you can inform the neighbors about this obstacle.
Are you your mom's PoA? If not, you can also let the neighbors know that since your mom didn't put this place, it is causing delays. (She does have a PoA, that's good). It isn't any of their business but maybe it will get the "Karens" off your back for a while. FYI if you are not her PoA then you can't be held accountable for the quality, quantity or "lack" of her care.
It is true that turning the stove off today may not solve her wandering tomorrow, since new dementia behaviors can turn up every week or day. As long as you're doing everything in your power to get care solutions in place, that's as much as you can do and you can ignore any other noise from the neighbors.
Doing so, they also have the power to find suitable placement for your mother.
And if she needs placement, their help could hurry up that process. Or, their assessment could show that you have it covered adequately for now.
Maybe you could call APS yourself (anonymously) for a safety check? It is your Mother that thinks she is okay.
Why does getting her into an AL take a long time? Have you identified a couple that are within her price range, perhaps near you?
I'm sure none of them are doing that. The mom could have one of those LifeAlert bracelets or pendants on in case she falls or became ill.
No, what this looks like to me is a bunch of nosey neighbors who don't know how to mind their own business.
Meanwhile: “I appreciate your concern. Have a nice day. Good bye.”
The thing is, if they're sticking their noses into your mother's business you can smile sweetly and thank them for their kind wishes. Your mother's business is confidential and not for public discussion. But if your mother's issues are overspilling into their lives - for example, we had a lady in a comparable situation, also convinced she was fine, but with a regrettable habit of panicking when she woke at six in the morning and running round banging on people's front doors for help - it does become their business and they're not wrong to ask what's going on. Would you rather they didn't give a fig what became of her?
But a week! They might give you a chance to draw breath and fill in the forms!
Can you move your mom closer? Is the condo something they want? That is why they want her gone? Do they know something you don't?
Are the neighbors friends with your mom? Are they over there checking on your mom? Are they being noisy with the help?
I have to say being 85 and alone is a bit much, even though she has help. Id get her a place now. Can you see in every room if she falls? Or if she falls in the bathroom she is stuck for a full day, or after you dont see her for a few hours, you send help?
If she is just in the beginning stages it will only get worse. How do you know she locks the door when they leave? Or does the help do it with the key.
Can you give more info?
My experience with neighbors is they did not like the "type" of people we had
coming in doing caregiving and the neighbors did not like the additional cars and
traffic from the caregivers. We had people driving into work in late model cars
trying to make an honest living.
We also started out with limited hours of caregiving. It was the right thing to do.
Ignore, ignore ignore the neighbors. You have a right to have caregivers reporting
to work to care for your loved one.
The pay for agency hired caregivers is usually minimum wage per hour or maybe a few cents above. Nobody is going to see new cars pulling up. I know what you mean though. Especially in a senior community. The old biddie neighbors will decide how many cars can park in a driveway and who's allowed to visit.
I can't tell you how many times I've had to use both middle fingers the Good Lord gave me when going to a client's home in a senior community. There were a good many nosey Nellies who had to be told to f-off as well. My clients always enjoyed that and it gave the neighbors something to complain about. When you're private care there's no one for the neighbors to report you to.
It sounds like your mother is capable of putting herself to bed safely.
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doing what you can do to keep Mom functioning.
For at least 7 years I heard from people that someone should overnight with my parents. My sister and I ignored that. My Dad did not want someone overnighting with them.
We started out with limited care for Mom. It worked fine.
Understand many neighborhoods don't like people of certain races driving in with late model cars. We definitely encountered this with Mom's neighbors. No one said anything directly but
I definitely picked up the racist vibe.
It sounds like you are doing what you should be doing now.
Ignore the neighbors. IGnore, Ignore.
I live in Florida by the way. There are tons of 85 year olds living alone in Florida.
My guess is the neighbors don't like non residents coming into the neighborhood. They may not like the "class" of caregivers coming into work.
I'd ignore the neighbors.
It is ridiculous they wrote the condo association less than one week after your Dad's death.
The whole idea that we need not only neighbors and strangers, but a quazi-police organization to add 'additional incentive' to care for our loved ones in accordance to an arbitrary impersonal standard, is surely just a passing fad.
Do not let the uninformed opinions of strangers scare you. Don't let society bully you, and as a result, your mother.
But also, obviously, take necessary precautions.
I strongly disagree with other posters sympathizing with your neighbors.
Got it.
You know that statistic about 35% of all caregivers dying before the person they are caring for? I think we have a good example right here.
Even a passing comment such as " I think/I'm afraid we'll be at the point soon where I can't leave her alone anymore..." inserted into a conversation could have started this concern over mom. It could very well be that dad used the neighbors as a sounding board - much like many of us use this forum as such - because he didn't want to "burden" his daughters with his troubles and concerns over caring for his wife.
I would ask you how it is that they all know exactly what your mother's care arrangements are. Why do these neighbors know her business? Is she wandering around the condo complex at night out of her mind from dementia? If not then why would the neighbors think her care is inadequate?
You need to have a talk with these neighbors and tell them to mind their own business because your mother is managing.