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My 72 year old mom has been having issues for the past year. It started with a broken ankle that required surgery, then a kidney infection, then another ankle surgery, then a back issue that required surgery, then more digestive issues, gallbladder removal, cardiac arterial blockage that required two stents, more vomiting and kidney issues, and now likely a procedure requiring a stent in her celiac artery to hopefully address the recurring gastric issues.


She also is the primary caregiver for her 77 YO husband who has Lewy body dementia. I live in another state, my younger brother lives two hours from her and does not have a car (he lives in the city), and my older brother lives 30 minutes from mom. Older brother refuses to talk to any of us, much less assist mom with anything. When things first started happening, he was somewhat helpful, but now he has completely refused to even communicate.


Mom has pretty much refused to communicate plans for the future or put anything in place for her husband, which creates a great deal of anxiety for everyone every time something happens. Funny, she told me Sat that she was going to talk to their financial advisor to discuss options this week, but…now she is back in the hospital.


I am struggling with worry over what will happen to her, and yet I also know that I am not cut out to move her in with me, which I suspect is what she has in mind. I haven’t been able to have that conversation with her because every time I get things started, another crisis comes up. My MIL has told me “you can’t expect your brothers to do anything. You’re the daughter. It’s your job.”


I feel guilty and scared and overwhelmed because things never seem to get better. Mom doesn’t get along with her husband’s kids, and they don’t like to talk to her so they try to go through me to get her to do things. Mom is worried about older brother but doesn’t talk to him, so she tries to go through me.


I’m trying to get my own affairs in order and have been working with a financial planner, but my SO refuses to do this with me, so I am on my own with that as well.


I truly worry that I am going to be expected to figure all of this out for her, and I do not know what I am doing. I believe she is going to make me her POA and I have no idea what that means. I am not knowledgeable with financial matters or legal things. I feel guilty that I cannot seem to do this and I feel like I am failing.


My younger brother is not very financially stable, so I worry about him as well. I wake up every day with a pit in my stomach and I am sad pretty much all the time. My job is great but very demanding, and I’m having a difficult time trying to coordinate things from out of state for my mom while working full time. Also trying to maintain a 30 year relationship that is feeling the strain of this and take care of my own health. I miss being happy, and that makes me feel guilty for being selfish in wanting to be happy.


Does it ever get any better? It doesn’t seem to.

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Contrary to what was said a few times, you absolutely are not responsible to take care of your mother, it was the other way around until you became an adult. Anything you choose to give in an act of sacrifice and love is exactly a choice.

You have a right to know their plans that involve you, as much as you have the absolute right to refuse them.

I'm just super overwhelmed for you. Like some of my situation overlaps with some of yours, except mine is more cancer support rather than elderly,but like having all these expectations and responsibilities thrust on you that absolutely are not yours to bear. And trying to push back against it and keep your sanity.

I grew up in parentification and spouseification, (I highly suspect you did,too?) and was thrust back into it when I started supporting my dad in his cancer journey. It's been 2 years and I'm just destroyed.

In my own situation, I've read Boundaries by John Townsend, and I try to put that setting boundaries thing into practice but I always feel horrible from either guilt trips or self inflicted false guilt.

I'm only 30 and am like a shell,either empty or full of anxiety depression. Starting to have physical health problems,too.

My parents have always treated me like I'm their parent and I can't handle it. And much like yours, are not prepared for anything and expect me to figure it out, while my older brother does nothing,except I've refused their financial and household stuff,one of my only victories that will probably end in disaster that which I'll be then expected to fix.

I can't ever recharge. I just want to live my own life with my husband. The cancer progressed and it's just treatment until it doesn't work anymore,and my dad has had a lot of other issues come up that have ruined his mobility and life quality and no one here will offer the surgery because of his cancer, and I've just come to terms with this is how life is going to be. It's no longer a cure and recover situation.

So I've really taken steps to try to rebalance my life and improve my mental and emotional health so I'm not doing everything, and there all the time,so I don't give all of me to them but take care of myself and my husband instead,my life first.

But like for example, I unplanned am nocturnal this week and I told my dad I'm too tired to go to his routine appointment,so instead of accepting it and going alone or asking my mom or brother, he says how he feels better when I'm there and I should just push through.

And I'm literally so burnt out, it's just like, I don't even want to exist anymore (not in a suicidal way,just I literally want a break from it all so bad I want to drop off the planet kind of way.)

I feel there isn't hope in caregiving situations with unhealthy dynamics,blurred boundaries, and an uneven workload. It doesn't last long before the burnout sets in. This is definitely why 3rd party services exist. Of course, affording it... and/or getting the parent to accept it... u___u. Sigh...
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A POA gives you the authority to make decisions for her; it does not mean she has to move in with you. As her POA your responsibility is to make sure your mother has the best care available. If the best available is not in your home, that is the answer.
Next, where is the best care for your mother?
If you are POA, you do not need anyone else’s approval. It is unfortunate that many times second marriages bring complications of their own. However, your mother is your responsibility, because you had the compassion and love to look for help. Mom’s husband is not your responsibility; his kids will have to figure that out, you have enough to do, and not being direct family makes it harder.
I also suggest finding a local support group for aging patents. You can gain understanding and possibly local help for your mental, emotional well being.
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Whose taking care of your mother after all those operations and who takes care of her husband. Have you been down to see her to see what is going on? It sounds like they both need to be in a nursing home or at least assisted living if they can afford it. Even Medicaid will pay for help a few hours a week. Was her husband in the military? Military gives lots of help.
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"I believe she is going to make me her POA and I have no idea what that means."

She can appoint you, but you also have the freedom to decline/refuse.

Being POA does NOT mean you provide her care. It is a legal means for managing her affairs, such as finances, paying bills, signing legal documents, etc. A medical POA would merely allow you to have access to her medical records and care and have input to her care.

Since you have your own financial issues, it would be best to decline. The best method is to do this in writing (send it to the atty who drew up the paperwork, at a minimum.)

You are not responsible for caring for your mother or her husband. If she goes to a decent EC attorney office, they can discuss what she would need to do and what to set up, how to appoint someone (other than family, if none of you are willing) to manage for her. She SHOULD be getting all legal issues worked out, given her own medical issues AND having a husband with dementia. Who cares for him when she is hospitalized? Does he have any adult children? If so, do they play any role in his care?

If you get a call or letter regarding the POA assignment, contact the attorney office to decline (follow up with a letter) and suggest they discuss with her the need to make plans for the future, for her and her husband. Then you can step back, knowing you've done what's best for you and at least set the ball rolling to her court.
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First of all, No is a complete sentence.

You can refuse to be appointed her POA. Failure to plan on her part is not a reason for you to give up your life to fix everything. Contact an organization that provides, for a fee, a geriatric care manager and let them take care of things.

And your SIL's statement that it's a daughters job to take care of the parents while the sons just sit back is #$&@^!!!!!!!

Now, inhale and relax. Since your SO is not willing to be of any support I hope you have your own affairs in order. Flash forward 20 years and who will be taking care of YOU?
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First off, you have to stop adding things that you think you must. If you are the most responsible child of your mother's offspring, you must have somewhere deep inside the ability to do what you must do to put your mother's life in order, and keep your sanity at the same time. Your job sounds like it's not going anywhere, so that is not a problem, do your job. Every person who is alive, walks and talks, and thinks, has to face the issue of what to do when your parents can't do for you anymore..Your 30 yr. relationship is stable, and not going anywhere, the strain your feeling about that is what you are bringing to it, and it sounds like you don't have a mate who jumps in and helps figure out the best solution to your parents problem, and how to make it work. So, your relationship of 30 yrs. is about you two, and not about your families. He/she will do as I'm sure he/she has done in the course of 30 yrs. and move aside, allow you to deal with your family issues and will connect with you when it is figured out and you can go on about your lives, so that is not an issue. 2 major factors that no longer are on your plate. Your mother, she is going through so many age based problems, and she is taking care of your father. Put the shoe on the other foot, you are your mother, your SO is down, and you are taking care of him, but your own health is declining, who do you turn to for help? Your kids are living their own lives, your son's are worthless in this type of situation, but your daughter is responsible, you know time is running out, but you want to put your life in order. Talking to your financial advisor is a good move, but surgeries and health issues keep getting in the way. Can your daughter talk to the financial advisor. Okay, go back to being yourself, can you manage a call to your mother, or a visit? Can you and your mother set up a meeting where you all sit down at the hospital, or where ever your mother is, and talk about what to do with her and all the other aspects of her life that effect you and your brothers? Do you and your brothers even want to be involved with your mother's belongs and an inheritance after she passes away? You can allow your mother to donate her entire Estate, and all that she leaves behind to whatever or whoever she wants, and needs it. Thus, allowing the POA to go to a professional, and you won't need to deal with anything, just attend the funeral and say goodbye. If you have a good relationship with your younger brother who is having financial hardships, you can suggest that all of the inheritance go to him. You will need to have a new will made up, so that your mother can sign it with this new instruction. Your older brother who has no interest in the family can't decide he has a change of heart when he finds out the will is changed, and fight it. That is an option.
The next option is you become POA, but that just makes you responsible if it's a durable POA to deal with financial and medical decisions for your mother. If your mother is in good mental health, you won't have any responsiblities till her mental capacity has gone South. Most children who find their mother's ability to handle financial responsibilities jump in at this point, because, the hounds and blood sniffers pounce on the parents and try to steal every last dime. Parents are very vunerable, and the blood thirsty are sitting in the dark waiting for it to happen. Could be the stepfather's children, a neighbor, friend, healthcare worker, your brothers, family members, it could be anyone who is aware of the situation going on with your mother. Your mother asking you to become POA is not a curse, it's a blessing, it's a protective measure against those who would gladly take advantage of the situation, and steal what she has worked for in order to pass onto you, her children. So, again, meet with the financial advisor, who will tell you what you need to do, give you information as to who to contact. Good luck
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When she is in the hospital, I would contact the hospital social work department and point out her home situation is dicey and that no one in the family is local, able, or willing to to deal with it. Let the experts sort it out; you cannot. She can't manage her home situation, and neither can you manage her's. She may be telling them everything is fine or that you are managing it. Neither is the case, or can realistically be the case. Don't kill yourself with guilt; it is a sad situation, but you are not responsible.
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When she is in the hospital, I would contact the hospital social work department and point out her home situation and that you are far away and (I hope) do not have POA. She is not physically able to deal with things. Let the experts sort it out; you cannot. She can't manage her home situation, and neither can you manage her's. She may be telling them everything is faine or that you are managing it.
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Frances73 Oct 2021
Unfortunately right now hospitals are so overwhelmed with Covid cases patients like this are often pushed out the door just to make room. Hopefully she can be placed in a facility, even temporarily, until things can be worked out.
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I would like to express that everything you're feeling is normal. You're ok and you're not alone. I just recently started partipating in this forum bc, even though 1) I'm a nurse, 2) I've never had difficulty handling crisis situations, in fact, I was quite effective at handling them bc I am effecient, organized and understand the medical and psychosocial aspects of the caregiver and the person receiving the care. 3) I thought I had an unusually firm and grounded concept of what I not only signed up, but volunteered for.
Let's just say, I am COMPLETELY suffocating from the magnitude and sheer volume of not only anxiety, guilt, perceived loss, actial loss of well, everything. The ongoing drama and attacks from and by judgmental family members who do nothing but make my life more miserable than I already am, and the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional  exhaustion that results from not only the actual drama, but the persistent expectations of it, because no matter HOW or what I do, it's coming. As well as the ongoing implied and outright accusations of anything and everything.
And then there's the ACTUAL 24/7 work of giving the care, all those emotions and the neverending cycle of it. The lack of my own needs being met those of my spouse, son, even my dog! I have 1 friend left. And I'm making an assumption there. I have no time for my life. And there is little room for anything else but what HAS to be done.
And all this while going through menopause, starting a new business (cant really be a nurse while caring for a high risk person! All while not knowing WTH I'm supposed to be doing, why I cant seem to get ANYTHING done that I start, while navigating an emotional minefield as planted my so called family, during a pandemic.

My point is (and I DO have one! LOL!) that no matter ehat you do- you're going to feel guilt, and that you're failing at everything and failing everyone.
But... It's not you. It's just an unwinnable situation, therefore, the ONLY advice I can give- do whatever YOU need. It's not selfish to take care of YOURSELF. Do what you can for your Mom, but she also has other children. You cannot be her sole source, nor should you have to be, or be made to feel guilty for not wanting to, nor doing so.
So pick what's best for you.

If you DIDN'T feel like you do, I would be more concerned.
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Stoshsdaughter Oct 2021
Less than Zero, it sounds like you have been beaten down, and consider yourself less than zero. I am going to try to help you as best as I can. The reason for this is the red flags you have raised in your answer show all the signs of what is to come and from who, to you. If you think your family is being unfair to you, while you are taking on the care of your parent, and that this is a bit out of character for them, as even though they are a bit self absorbed, and selfish, and always have been in the past, they are just doing what they always did. This is a warning from someone who has been there and got sucker punched about 10 or more times, when she thought it couldn't get any worse, it kept coming, and it was more unbelievable than the time before, each time. It came not from bill collectors, or enemies, or criminals, or those who wait for a chance to jump on you when you are vunerable, it came from those I trusted most in my life, and who I never thought would harm their own mother, my mother. It came from my own family, those I was told throughout my lifetime that as long as I had family I would never be alone. Family protects their own, blood is thicker than water, family has your back, and when your family is down, family picks up family, and pulls them back up. Well, I don't know what has happened to the old style family values, but the family that showed up on the doorstep after my mother passed had 2 years of planning out how to bring me down, and they came while I was still dealing with the information that my mother had been taken to a hospice by them, all oxygen, heart medication, diabetes meds and other meds, denied, and instead given a bed, sleep and pain meds. and left to die, I was without a car at the time, had seen her when she was transferred to hospice instead of home to me. She begged me to take the bracelets off her wrist, help her get dressed and sneak her out the back door, because she didn't know what my sisters where trying to do to her, but she wanted to go home. I didn't have a wheelchair, she couldn't walk and weighed 300 lbs. I told her I couldn't take her out with out a wheel chair, but I would get a friend, an UBER, or LYFT ride and come back so that we could take her home. She asked me, why do I get to go home and she doesn't? It's the last thing I heard her ask, I did tell her I loved her and would be back. I called and cursed out all of my siblings for doing this to her. As I was getting ready to call the Uber, pick up my friend and go to the hospice and bring my mother home, the phone rang, my oldest sister informed me that my mother had passed away. I don't remember anything after that, just hearing animals howling, seeing the floor I was incapable of doing anything but laying on and emotional pain that I would trade for physical pain any day, the sounds of animals howling, I realized after some time was in fact me, when my son came home and found me, told me to stop making all that noise, I told him my mother is dead, and he left me alone. Within 19 hours, my loving family informed me that I was now homeless, had faked a new will, appointed themselves Executor of the fake will, called a RE agent that would sell the house ASAP, lied and told me the house was sold, within 2.5 months, the home of our family for the past 60 yrs, would belong to someone else. I donated all of my worldly belongings, and they threw away everything my mother owned, furniture, computers, medical supplies, family heirlooms, electrical, plumbing, drywall, mechanical, constuction, you name it... a home of family past of 60 yrs. we moved back in when I was 7, and I lived there for 49 yrs. all of the 19 rooms, 3 attics, 4 crawl spaces, apartment, and house belongings has to go. The house was emptied, but they didn't sell it, my son and I were homeless, I still was paying the utilities on it. and it sat empty from June till December, when it was finally sold for less than a 3rd of what it was worth.
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Treecrout: Edited to say don't have her move in with you.
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Treecrout: Do not move in with her from your state. I had to do this with my late mother and I am NOT a big advocate of it, but my mother was adamant about living alone 7 states away from mine. I suggest that you retain an elder law attorney.
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It will get better once your mom & her husband are placed in managed care. Until that happens, you're going to be pulled at every end and feel at the end of your rope. Your mother has way too many health issues NOT to be placed in Skilled Nursing at this point; your step dad has LBD which is very difficult form of dementia that also requires a lot more care than he can get at home.

You may want to go visit an Elder Care attorney for advice; financial advice about selling their house to finance their lives in a nursing home, and how to facilitate doing that. You may have to take time off from work under FMLA to get all this accomplished, because you obviously can't do it all long distance. Not getting help from your brothers isn't making your life any easier, either. But someone has to step up and figure out what to do with mom and step dad, and maybe that involves his children too, I don't know.

As far as POA goes, someone has to take it on so your mother will have an advocate for her healthcare decisions and financial decisions as well. If you don't want to take that role on, again, ask the EC attorney what your options are. I am an only child so I had no other choice but to take on the POA role for both of my parents. I would never be able to do hands on caregiving, but I've been able to get them into Assisted Living and now Memory Care for my mother; dad died in 2015 but I was able to make the health care decisions for him up until he died.

If you are going to worry and feel dread and guilt anyway, decide what you're willing to do and then set about doing it. There's no easy way with elderly and sick parents. We'd like to run away but we can't. They need someone to help them out, and if your brothers are flaking out, then that leaves you to decide what you will and will not step up to do. This does not mean you must provide hands on care; quite the opposite. Speak to the social worker at the hospital, too, like Taarna suggested b/c they're familiar with situations exactly like this and can guide you accordingly.

I feel your pain and can empathize with your situation 100%. I moved my folks out to my state in 2011 b/c dad had to stop driving and they had nobody else to help them. It's been a very, very long 10+ years for me and I'm extremely exhausted and burned out. But mom is in managed care and I can handle all of her affairs from my desk, for the most part, which is better than doing hands on care which I'm not cut out for.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with all of this.
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First of all - stop, take a deep breath. Immediately contact social services or the office on aging for advice and support as they are trained in this. Second at once contact an eldercare attorney and have proper papers drawn up immediately to give you - or someone suitable and trustworthy to be a POA so decisions can be made if needed. Do not wait. Someone has to take over and be "in charge" of her - perhaps not you. I would also have a family conference to discuss what options you have and what should be done - keep them in the loop but don't expect help from them. But that does not mean you have to destroy YOUR life because of her condition and behavior. You have to come first. Settle your own affairs in every way and make sure you cover your butt for every situation. Tell her ALL CHILDREN, not just girls, should be involved in caretaking. Be prepared to place her so she is taken care of and you can lead your life. But start with an attorney for legal advice how to handle this so it doe not all come down crashing on you and seek the services of social services.
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Riley2166 Sep 2021
And whatever you do, DO NOT BRING EITHER INTO YOUR HOME - NOW OR EVER. YOUR LIFE WILL BE DESTROYED FOREVER.
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You can't be made POA unless you accept. Your mother can wish and hope but you can so, "No."

Good for you to know right now that you are not going to move in to take care of your parents.

If no one will step up to help your parents, you might contact Social Services in their area, communicate with their medical team(s), etc, but by no means think you need to take over hands-on care or that you need to act as POA. If no relatives will take on the supervision of their affairs, they will have to arrange a POA or Conservatorship through an attorney.
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As far as your stepfather is concerned, let his kids deal with his issues.
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“you can’t expect your brothers to do anything. You’re the daughter. It’s your job.”

NO. No no no. Don’t buy into that!
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Treecrout,
when relatives come to you to be the go-between them and your mother you simply have to remember one word: No

”NO” is a complete sentence.

Re-read that!! Let it sink in.

Do not explain yourself, don’t give them a chance to come back at you should you feel the need to tell them WHY you are saying “no”….. just keep saying no, without guilt or shame. You are not responsible for their lack of communication.
I was once told that “no one can argue with a “no”.
once I started saying no, they all got the hint; they cannot use me anymore.
Once you and your mom have the POA conversation, tell her, no! You don’t feel qualified or you can go with the “ I simply do not want that responsibility”. If your other siblings don’t take on that burden of being a POA, then have a well check done on her. If no one steps up to be her POS, then she will become a ward of the state and be assigned someone to handle all her money.
Do not let anyone, including your mom, guilt you into taking on this responsibility. I am DPOA for my MIL and she lives with me! You’re in another state!
whichever you choose, I wish you luck and a good night’s sleep
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I'm not sure if this is helpful to you or not, but I am in your same boat and also spend much of my day with a pit in my stomach, feeling anxious and guilty and bitter.

My mom's knee replacement surgery keeps getting canceled, I fear she is developing dementia, and she has become incredibly dependant on me. She is very narcissistic, and has pretty much ruined her relationship with my brothers. Now they want nothing to do with her and it is I, the daughter (and only sibling with a moral compass, apparently) who has to figure everything out going forward. I am 36 and my mom is 80. I live 2 hours away and one of my brothers lives 5 minutes from her. Yet I'm the one taking time off work to drive her to doctors appointments. I'm the one in constant communication with her doctors. My mom does not have a practical bone in her body and is going to "die before she ever leaves her house"... even though she has a hard time taking care of it and herself and will need assisted living at some point. That is going to be a horrible mess and I'm filled with dread over what I will need to do in the future. I also am not good at complicated financial or legal things and will have to learn as I go.

So, all of that probably isn't very helpful to you, but sometimes it feels good to know you're not alone in your difficult situation.
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It only gets better when you start letting others help.
You need to talk with mom and see what her thoughts are before You start worrying about it. She might not be thinking about you at all and you're worrying about it for nothing.
Google POA and see what it's about. It really isn't that big a deal.
I am POA for my 97 yr old Dad and have been for years.
I sat all Dad's Bills to be automatically paid from his checking account and had him add my name to all his Bank Accounts.
The biggest issue was just hiring 24 7 Care for him which is expensive costing like $12 an hour with the Caregiver doing 12 hr shifts.
If your mom has the money then she might could just stay where she is for now and have help.
Dexpending on how much help she needs, she might just hire either all night shift or all day shift.
HIrish help for her husband will take a load off her and keep her from running down in health.
If she's deciding to put Dad in a Nursing Home, she might can move in to an Assisted Living in the same place so she can visit her husband every day.
There's always the option of them moving close to you where you can visit.
There is help out there, you only have to ask.
My presence and what I think would be best and happiest and safest is to stay in my own home and have Caregivers or a Live In.
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Jaimer185 Sep 2021
Where do you live where caregivers are $12 an hour? It's a minimum of $25 here in Southern California. I'm jealous!
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Take baby steps on a daily basis to bring about clarity in managing and getting through this situation. Techniques include journal writing, physical activity, and meditation - whatever works for you. There is only so much that you can control. Understand those boundaries and enforce them. Say no to any other adults who want you to mediate on their behalf. They need to work it out on their own. Goal should be to get through this with reduced collateral damage to yourself.
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Sounds like your Mom is very sick . As a daughter we end up Mothering and taking care of our Family - it’s not easy . Roles are reversed - this is the part of life no one talks an out when someone maybe dying . I took care of my Mom for a year , my brother got very ill same time frame , took care of him a year and a half . A tenant right after that who eventually died - Now my Dad . It is very sad but when you lose them you wish they were still here . Like my Doctor said to me “ You take good care of your people “ “ Your doing Gods work .” I havnt
had much of a life the past 6 years but perhaps this is part of the cycle of life .
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Speaking for myself, the guilt and defeated feeling is ever present. We are 15 minutes from my 84 year old mother; her birthday is today. I suppose part of it is, I never expected this to be the way she would live her final years. We are thankful for the facility she's in, but we know this isn't what she wanted. Some days are better, with the guilt, and some aren't. It's somewhat of a balancing act.
First, the comment your MIL made made me shake my head. Why is all of this solely your responsibility "because you're the daughter". Nope. However, you can't make other family members participate and that will make it your responsibility, unfortunately.

Second, let your mom know it is absolutely critical that plans are made for her and your step dad. A general and medical POA will allow you to handle financial matters for her as well as medical decisions, if she becomes unable to do so. If they have a family attorney or Elder Care attorney, you should start there, right away. Otherwise, this could be a debacle you don't want to add to your list of responsibilities.

Third, If they are financially able, look into a facility where they have care 24/7. If they aren't in a financial position to private pay, talk to the attorney about Medicaid.

Fourth, Don't ever have guilt over wanting to be happy. There's plenty of other things that make us feel guilty, being happy shouldn't be one of them.

Know that you are doing the best you can from far away, with no help from anyone else. You have to take care of you too and your SO. There are so many of us out here, doing the same thing you are, every day. It's hard not to feel alone, until you're on a site like this and you realize, you're not.
Be well...........
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Adult children generally have the responsibility of care of their aging parents, when the parents can not care for themselves anymore. That responsibility is to make sure that the parents' needs are taken care of - which can take many forms. I suggest it might be wisest to spend your time researching the resources near you and near your parents for their care. These resources can include family members, friends, members of faith community, home health agencies, adult day care programs, dementia/memory care facilities, assisted living, and total care residential facilities. You and your brothers do not have to personally care for either of your parents - if that is beyond your abilities - nor do you have to beggar yourselves to pay for their care. Since your mom is in the hospital, ask to talk to a social worker, who can help you with locating resources that your parents can afford.
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I have a lot of guilt also but it will get better, it has to I can't take much more. I have family but my brother doesn't do a thing and my 1 sister nothing and my other sister lives in Mississippi. I would talk to a lawyer for the elderly and ask for help that way. Financially just make sure she has everything paid for and that can make things easier. Someone needs to a POA and you can find information on here about that on here.
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PatsyN Sep 2021
What exactly do I tell the lawyer I "want"? The one we have is rather clueless but there aren't a lot of choices here. I'm POA and after a year, I *think* I have her finances sorted out. (My dad died a year ago yesterday.) My mom's getting 24/7 at-home care. That's what she wants and other choices continue to be limited b/c COVID. Specifcally, what do I do about the house she owns (she's 85, wheelchair, b/c stroke 10 years ago) in regards to likelihood she'll need some sort of nursing home care at the end?she has enough $ for 12-18 montgs of care at this level...*What do I ask the atty to help mewith?*
I asked this question here a month ago and deleted it after the first response nastily asked me what I'd "been doing for the past year." (Umm...working 7 days a week, traveling 6 hours round trip to see her once a week, screaming at Verizon, DMV, investment companies cause they're all a racket...) Thanks!
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Do keep in mind that, while your mother may do paperwork to name you her POA, it doesn't mean you have to accept that role. You can decline, aka "resign". I am of the opinion that POA documents should always include at least one alternate (preferably more) and, further, that the people named as POAs should be agreeable to being named.
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Important to do—stop any expectations you have of your siblings, it may not be fair but they’re adults free to decide their involvement with mom. Stop being in the middle between anyone, mom and siblings, mom’s husband and his adult children, anyone, don’t listen and don’t intervene. This isn’t on you to do and will never go well for you. Tell mom that any help from you is now dependent on her getting her documents in order, period. It’s unfair to all for her not to handle this immediately. The planning for her future is on her, not you, but you shouldn’t help if she refuses. Know that your MIL is simply wrong, there aren’t any automatic obligations just for being the daughter. Don’t discuss it with her again. Read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and implement healthy boundaries into your life. See your doctor and be honest about your pervasive sadness, it needs treatment, and that’s okay. Guard your own health, you’re no good to anyone, especially yourself, without it
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My first question is who takes care of your mom’s 77 yr old husband (your step dad?) when mom is in the hospital?

If you do not get mom to sit down now with a lawyer to identify assets, make financial beneficiaries, and establish POAs you will regret it later.
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Firstly, if you’re not careful, you’re going to give yourself an ulcer, and then you’ll be of no use to anybody. Remember, on an airplane, you put that mask on yourself, then on a dependent, because if you pass out, two people die.

Try and focus on what you CAN control, and let go of things that you can’t (ie: your younger brother - he’s an adult). I’m not really sure about all of these things either, and nobody is when this gets started. We’re all in the same boat, so you’re not alone in feeling lost and confused.

It’s all about educating yourself. As to where to start, I personally would begin by contacting your own financial advisor, and let them know that you’re going to be made your mom’s POA, and what will that require of you.

As for your mom’s health, it’s good that you know your limitations, and that living together is not a healthy option. Make sure you voice that with your mother in as gently a way as possible, while remaining steadfast to your decision. While she is of sound mind and body, she can go ahead and make whatever plans she has. You need to learn to let people make their mistakes. give advice should they ask for it, but you shoulder too much burden by worrying on their decisions.

Take care.
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