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Anyone have this problem? My mom is in memory care. Many times when I visit (outside and some porch visits due to covid ) my mom is so angry and makes me leave because she believes I don’t visit. She can’t remember any visits. So I leave. Today I was able to take her to my house for lunch. Previously because of cases her place was quarantine for two weeks. She wouldn’t come with me. Yelling and screaming I don’t visit. Doesn't believe anything about the virus. The nurses tried to talk to her. No avail, so I leave again heartbroken. But I keep trying but it’s really getting to me.

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A LOT of people have this problem! Esp now, with COVID and the restrictions placed on us, esp the elderly.

If your mom is to the point she no longer even recognizes you--you must accept that she isn't going to suddenly be better and be your mom with mom's memories and mental capabilities.

I would stop the visits. My mom is pretty OK as far as who I am, etc., but is obsessed with a few people in the family and only really wants THEM to visit. I'm backing down from seeing her every week to once a month or less. When she no longer knows me and my presence causes her grief (which from time to time has happened) then I will not see her again. It's hard, but she doesn't care, which makes my 'not caring' an easier path.

It's probably time to realize your mom isn't going to believe you, re-create a relationship or care about you. It's NOT her fault, it's NOT your fault. It's the horrible disease that has robbed her of thinking and functioning. And it's breaking your heart. It probably also upsets her.

I'm so sorry. This is a sucky part of getting old.
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You live with this by understanding that you lost your mom to Alzheimer's a while ago. She's no longer capable of cognizant thought or reasoning, so being heartbroken over & over again about something she cannot help is going to wear YOU down and kill YOUR spirit. Your mother's brain is diseased; she truly believes you haven't visited her in forever b/c she truly forgets you were there the minute you leave. Nobody wins with dementia/Alz, that's for sure. We all lose! My mother also lives in a Memory Care ALF and is deteriorating daily with vascular dementia. She constantly tells me how 'nobody calls her; everybody is too busy' for her, when I know for a FACT that she gets several phone calls PER DAY! Some days she's more cognizant than others, which is nice, but there are days where I can't even really talk to her. It's sad..........but it's the nature of the beast. I try not to take her behavior personally, even though it's irritating and sad and all sorts of other emotional things thrown in. Rarely a day goes by that she doesn't leave me feeling some kind of way..........and then I have to talk myself off the ledge once again. It's not HER talking, it's the dementia.

Dementia & Alzheimer's are truly dreadful and I hate that our loved ones are afflicted this way.

You ought to contact your mom's doctor for medication to calm her down. There really is no reason she should be yelling & screaming about anything. "Talking" to her won't help............and the doctor will realize that. The nurses & the staff have a few tricks up their sleeve to handle agitated residents, but basically, it's medication that TRULY helps them most often. Until she gets medicated, I'd be very leery about taking your mom out of the ALF for any reason. What if she has a meltdown and you can't handle her? Or get her back to the ALF? Then what? This isn't an unusual happening, either.............you never know WHAT to expect when ALZ is at play!

Wishing you the very best of luck dealing with a very difficult situation. You have my empathy, that's for sure. One day at a time, right?
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cxmoody Dec 2020
"Your mother's brain is diseased".

Whoa. This is gold. Thank you for the reminder. I needed it today.
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I don’t recommend taking her to your house for lunch since it will be extremely difficult to get her to go back to her facility. Once a week visit is enough. My 93 yo mother with dementia lives with me & sometimes asks me what my name is. Some days better than others. Just make sure she’s getting her needs met & that she’s comfortable. Don’t expect the old mother you knew to return...not gonna happen. Hugs 🤗
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She does recognize me. And it’s just sad because she believes I don’t care about her. And don’t want to see her. When I tell her I was there a couple days ago she just calls me a liar. I guess I’m just asking how you all live with this. We were so close and I just remember my old mom.
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Has your mom ever been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? This level of agitation cannot be good for her. It is possible that meds can help.
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Thanks everyone. She is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication for agitation. I think she is pretty calm or so they tell me but my visit agitated her. We had a FaceTime Thursday and she was excited to come for a visit but things change in the drop of a hat. She can’t make phone calls so I have to rely on scheduled FaceTimes and never know what mood she will be in.
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Before Covid, my husband and I used to laugh about being thrown out of theMC by mu LO.

Her tolerance/enthusiasm for our visits was sincere, and she’d be thrilled when we came AND EQUALLY THRILLED WHEN WE LEFT.

I had the wonderful good fortune to be able to visit her (she’s a Covid SURVIVOR) outside, almost 2 months ago, and she recognized me, called me by name, and was cheerfully and actively engaged in conversation, BUT- when she was ready to go back inside, NOTHING could stop her. And without question, she remembers (or perhaps relates more easily) to events that occurred 30 years ago than to what I told 5 minutes ago.

Your kindness and concern are NOT being wasted, she’s just not cognitively where you are.

Try “How nice of you to want me to visit more often, I LOVE to see you and I’ll come back soon”. And you can say that every time you go, maybe even a couple times.

Everything about Alzheimer’s and MemoryCare and Covid is heartbreaking, so we have to remember that we’re all our LOs have, in THE MOMENT that we’re with them. “Memory” just doesn’t save us for them.

Relish the moment, then leave in comfort and peace.
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She is anxious about the changes. Her inability to understand or to control the circumstances are leading to these outbursts. Trying to reason with her will not work since she doesn't remember your visits. She will need to continue in a very scheduled life in memory care. It might be time to create memories - like a photo or scrap book - and add to it each time you visit (make sure to include dates). She can then be directed to her "book" when she gets lonely. She may also need a mild anti-anxiety medication to help her remain calmer.
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When it gets back to the point (eventually!) that visits inside are allowed, it might be worth getting a calendar to hang on the wall, and then make a note on it each day when you visit. You should mark it so your mother (or other loved one) sees you doing so, and perhaps say "Today is December 2 [or whenever], and I've come to visit you today". Then if some other time you're told "you never visit me" you can point to the calendar and say "See, I was here on December 2, and you watched me write this down on this calendar". She might insist this is fake or whatever, but perhaps it will be of some benefit. If the staff know you are doing this (and perhaps actually see you write on the calendar), they can back up your claim of having visited with authority. I figure it can't hurt, and may help.
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Take a picture of you and your mom with a familiar background. My wife questioned if we were married so I showed her our favorite wedding picture.
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