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What to do when the anger is justifiable, but one cannot act upon it? The care receiver can dish it out, it becomes wearing, about to explode-what do you do?We cannot just run away from the situation, a commitment has been made and kept. Sending the disturbing party off to a nursing home is not the plan. The caregiver has been to burnout and beyond, what's next? How to manage when it is making you sick?Caregivers helping each other through the anger, check in here. Love and understanding found here!

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This is my first time on a forum like this. So much helpful advice! especially useful for me is the don't-engage-in-arguments and walk-out-of-the-room strategies, coz I can be so easily engaged by my dh's irrational, illogical arguments. Jeanne mentioned respite. So desperately needed but so hard to find! Could anyone give any more info or pointers?
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I have come to the conclusion that support from professionals - and I mean support not bloody lip service is all we actually need and today has been a good day for me. the doctors has restricted what i can do and is putting in place help for ME when it comes to things like fecal impaction - I HAVE A TELEPHONE NUMBER FOR OUT OF HOURS! I am so excited.

The memory nurse is going to recommend memantine AND INSISTS I get 6 weeks respite a year - I am beside myself. Now if all this comes to fruition I will be like a dog with two tails!
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8/19/2016. 11:45 a.m. pacific daylight time
--Date Stamps missing on the question threads NOW.

It was Louie, for sure!
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I was listening to a play yesterday where the villain of the piece menaces the little guy with "I've been on five anger management courses. And I failed ALL of them."

It's okay to feel angry when it's rational and under control. The trouble starts when you bottle it up so that it explodes all over the place, and you can't tell what the cause was, and you can't control what damage it does.

I agree with Jeanne - it's crucial to identify the real culprit.
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Oh that was written in humour not for real and should say m'lud
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But m'lid I have been to anger management classes and I can attest I followed their instructions to the letter

How to control my anger in easy steps...

Firstly you must understand that they cannot help the way they are... SO
Get sleep when you can because you need your strength
Eat healthy food because you need your strength
Never engage in an argument walk away
If you can satisfy their need calmly then do so then walk away and smile
Call help when you need help
Finally Get time away from your loved one

So m'lud I followed those steps to the letter.....
I booked Mum and I into a hotel with adjoined rooms and I gave mum a sleeping tablet so I could sleep too - we both slept for 8 hours
I ordered and ate a fine steak
Mum asked me to give her arsenic so instead of arguing I went to the shops and got some and gave it to her...then I walked away smiling
I called the ambulance because I knew she would need help
And now I am going to be given a prison sentence so I will be away from Mum

Anger management classes do work!
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Thank you Jessebelle, for understanding and encouraging.
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Tonight took a ride to Costco, of all places to dine in relaxation and luxury, pulling up the moon was full, just sitting in the sky at the end of the parking lot.
Ok, I'm okay here folks, false alarm, how did I not know it was the full moon, and two hot dogs later, I know that in a few days I will be calmer. Learned to chart moods years ago with PMS, then did not understand that effect would continue way after, until it was observable with the full moon. So, if you only are truly crazy some of the time........ . . . - - - . . ., that is ok.
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BTW, Send, you have built a life that matters. It may not be the ultra-wealthy life so idolized in America, but it is a good and kind life. Now if you could only have a bit of fun.
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Send, I know a lot of what you are feeling. It can be like being shut in a cage with someone poking sticks at you. Sometimes instead of the oft-quoted "It's not the person, it's the disease," I think we ought to say, "It's not you, it's just the position you're in." No one should be put alone in the position that caregivers often face.

This is fresh in my mind, because my mother came into my room screaming like a banshee that if I didn't set up the humidifier than she was going to die right now. She started screaming about how I should always have it going. (The house is already 69% humidity, so we know it's not the air being dry.) She went on yelling at me and scared my rabbit away from her dinner and probably sent my bp through the roof with her hysterics. And if someone tells me that it's not her, it's the disease, all I will do is to say "bite me."
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Mostly I am angry at myself for not making a life that mattered, (to me). I have lost friends, contact with family, a meaningful job or retirement.
Baking cakes professionally would have been fun, as I see you icing that beautiful cake. Then, when retired, just bake for friend's or to supplement retirement income. A true stress reliever?
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Lol. That has meaning for me, Jeanne. More than you know!
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Stacey, Countless times we didn't go anywhere at all, I had to walk away into another room. Then, there were times I would go alone, never failing to return timely, on his schedule. You have a plan, it won't be long before you take the car/SUV to the AL or nursing home to visit for only a very short time., on your way to the casino!
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Redirecting the anger to its genuine source. We got made at Lewy a lot. (Coy had Lewy Body Dementia.)
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I am doing this by choice, but it doesn't feel that way.
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Taking a ride, in any car, after calming down was on the list of suggestions, Stacey.
You can call yourselves the night riders.
Only today I read that when an elderly mom put on her coat, her husband followed!, said the daughter. What if you just went outside and sat in the new car?
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"Not arguing, when he gets argumentative" hits home for me Send! I wish I had read that earlier! I started out this gorgeous blue sky day, suggesting a nice country ride in our new car, but once we began speaking about his Dad, what or if he had eaten, how long we will be gone, and what to to about the Old Man, things got escalated and that plan soon fell apart, and we both retreated to furthest points in the house. The doggie followed me though, Lol! It took hours for me to even speak with him again, Aaaccckkk! Stop the World, I want to get off! Why oh Why do all calm discussions and simple plans get interrupted with thoughts about "What to do about his Dad? Why can't things ever be about just you and I? I D K ?
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Just being on this forum!
Helping others has also helped me.
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Love the killing them with kindness concept. I am just venting to lower my stress, but unspoken, that idea comes close to how I really feel. Today, the thought crossed my mind, what if he becomes like his father at some point. That was a scary thought, so I put it out of my mind because today is going to have enough trouble on its own. Haven't seen nor heard from his father in 14 years, but something he did must have reminded me, when we actually moved to get away from all that. I don't want to share too much, now that I think about it.
Okay, Stepping outside. Gardening. Leaving the room. Attemped murder through being kind.
Not arguing when he gets argumentative.
Understanding his disability when his words,(that are just not true), really hurt to bring me down, or cause me to doubt myself.
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Thanks Jeanne! Must remember to keep doing those things. I think that I've got the going in the other room thing mastered! Or, stepping outside to gain a new perspective. Sometimes I am not even aware how I have suppressed the anger for dH benefit until we leave the house, and thoughts just seem to spill out.
I have had some good days-trips for ice cream help us both. Actually, there is never an entire day that is 'a good day'. I have been trying very hard, but find that ideas of how to get help just make it worse and end in frustration.
Mostly, I am hoping this thread will help others too. Daily. My yard and garden look nice this year, so gardening therapy has helped me tremendously.
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Just being in this site and realizing there are people everywhere dealing with this makes it easier for me. If you pray, ask God to temper your elder's tongue and give you the peace of mind to be able to not take it personally. Thank God, so far, my Mom isnt like this! According to the book about the languages of love, mine is oral confirmation. Maybe you could figure out a way to kill your elder with kindness! Just try to remove yourself from the situation, if not physically, emotionally or spiritually! Best wishes.
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One can eat only so much ice cream. That used to work for me.
There is so much healthy information out there and I rarely ever want to go to the doctor for myself. So, when the top of my head wants to fly off, I get some fresh parsley and eat it to lower my blood pressure. That's one technique.
What do others do? There is no one going to come here and do my job for me, so I must keep strong. It actually only requires part-time (if one counts hours), but the commitment requires 24 hours supervision and being vigilant. Feeling always on duty. Others feeling that way?
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Leave the room for a while if at all possible safely.

The anger is justifiable. Of course, that would make any one angry! Try writing the justification. Try venting it in a safe place. Make sure everyone knows you are just venting, though, and aren't looking for advice like "find a nursing home."

Remind yourself that you chose this commitment and you cold choose to change your mind. Not that you plan to, but that you could. You are doing this by choice.

Take care of yourself. Address your own health needs. See your doctors. See your dentists. Get some exercise. Eat well. Sleep well. The healthier you are, the better you can deal with this kind of stress.

Arrange respite. I KNOW this is easier said than done. Been there and found this extremely difficult. But regular breaks are essential to avoid complete burnout.
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