I have been with her for 6 months now by myself. I work from home but she calls me 2-3 times an hour, every break and lunch is devoted to her and after work it’s normal house duties, dinner, blanket, water, pills, etc. it’s to the point where I don’t even sit down until right before bed because as soon as I do she will need something. Her doctors keep adding more and more “exercises” that need to be done at home that she can’t and won’t do unless I’m there helping her. I have butterflies in my stomach all day because I can’t help but think about what she might need or how she might get upset. I’ve lost 50lbs in the last six months, I have to cancel my VA appointments because she can’t be alone and I’m tired. 2 weeks ago I finally got my wife moved in with us and it has not helped at all. She doesn’t want help from my wife, she gets mad at her trying to organize things, throw away expired food, and things like that. I feel like I just can’t keep living like this. There’s also a big issue with the massive stocked liquor cabinet I have to walk by every day… I am an alcoholic that has been sober for 10 years and recently that cabinet has been talking to me. We argue 2-3 times a week over the pettiest stuff like where did you put my scissors or why did you throw away those crackers that expired 3 years ago. I know there are many others on here that have dealt with worse for way longer but I feel like something needs to give for my mental and physical health and the only option is my wife and I leaving the house. I am not equipped mentally or physically to deal with this. AITAH
Can you find a better living arrangement? This will not improve and the sooner you accept that and act accordingly you can get back on track and deal with the general aging process which can be difficult under the best of circumstances. I hope you realize you need to put your needs first.
I am sure we here hope to hear from you regarding what you decide to do which in my opinion is remove yourself from this living arrangement.
You and your wife MOVE OUT .
Your aunt can either hire a caregiver or go to assisted living .
Tell your aunt this is no longer working and that you have to leave .You can’t do your paying job and also be a caregiver . It’s too much. Give your aunt the phone number for her County Area Agency of Aging , or you can call , they will send a social worker out to do a needs assessment and will help your aunt navigate getting what she needs . Tell the social worker you will be leaving .
I certainly hope you are not POA .
You left your wife for six months and then forced her to move in with this woman she barely knew (or maybe never knew at all)? That was very generous but it hasn't worked out, so time to go back to real life.
Does your aunt have dementia, is she bedbound, or is she just demanding? If she has dementia or is bedbound, call Adult Protective Services today (Thursday) and tell them you are moving out next Friday (Feb. 6th) and they will need to do an evaluation and place her somewhere. They can take over her finances and health needs, and you'll be free. Give them a list of her doctors and medications.
If she is just demanding, tell her today (Thursday) that you and your wife are leaving on Monday (Feb. 2nd) and she will need to cope on her own or call a caregiving agency (give her a list of a few phone numbers) to hire in-home help.
She (or APS) can tap into the equity in her house to pay for whatever care she needs, working their way down to Medicaid if necessary. But that's not your problem anymore.
If you and your wife haven't given up your own home, pack up and move back. If you did, then move into an inexpensive hotel or airbnb while you decide where you want to go.
As you said, the only option for your mental and physical health and sobriety is you and your wife leaving the house. You are NOT the AH. You gave generously for six months, at great personal expense. Now it's time to get back to your own life and needs, and those of your wife and your job.
Good luck! Keep us posted on how it's going.
If your Aunt is cognitively able (which is different from unwilling or unhappy about it) you give her the move-out date and start her on resources for her future care: social services for her county, appointments to visit AL facilities, etc.
If you are NOT her PoA then all the more you will become less and less able to legally manage her affairs. If she doesn't have a PoA and she asks if you would be her agent, you can consider it and understand that being a PoA does NOT obligate you to provide hands-on care -- no matter what she wants or expects.
Or, you decide you've had enough and decline or resign it and connect her with an elder law attorney to help her figure out what her future.
Kudos to you for doing what you've done for her but do not allow any guilt to creep in and divert your move-out. This would be wholely unfair to your wife and yourself. She has other solutions, if she accepts them as such. Even if she rejects them, they are still solutions.
This is not healthy for any of you. Your wife and sobriety MUST come before the well being of your aunt.
She will have to spend her money on hiring the in-home care she requires or she'll have to move into an assisted living facility.
This is no longer doable and it's now time for you to make yourself, your wife and marriage and your sobriety a priority.
So give your aunt TODAY a 2 weeks notice that you'll be moving out, so she can get any care she requires lined up.
You can do this!
Aunt is not your friend. She's a leech who is going to suck the lifeblood out of you and your wife if you don't take steps to stop her. Tell her immediately that this isn't working for you and your wife, and that you will be finding other living arrangements. Then do it.
Today: Go to an AA meeting and keep going. Congratulations on your sobriety - now stay sober. The last thing you and wife need is a relapse. That would take you down a hole that you don't want to revisit. You can do this.
I wish you luck! Aunt will find someone else to intimidate. They always do.
If she doesn't want you throwing away 3 yr old crackers, she's either a hoarder or a hoarder with dementia. The worst possible situation you can possibly be in as a caregiver.
Just because there are "worse" situations out there doesn't diminish how bad yours is. I hate when people insist others have it worse than they do. If you're miserable, then YOU have it worse than ANYONE right now.
Tell auntie you're moving out. Ask her what you can do for her before you leave? Hire in home help for her? Help her move into Assisted Living? If she says nothing, say goodbye and leave. Call APS and report a vulnerable elder living alone if you feel she's in danger.
You're NTAH and you know that.
Best of luck to you.
Why? You didn’t make her old or sick. She was the one who ran off everyone else with her behavior. Stop being the scapegoat here and move out.
It’s not sustainable to have to live her life for her (and no life of your own) because she doesn’t know or doesn’t care that she needs more help than one person can provide.
i just got to the part about your sobriety and you and your wife need to move our ASAP.
Make your plans and then tell your aunt that it’s happened on X date.
You can’t let mental illness or dementia run the show because this is the result. This literally can and does kill caregivers.
The culture of “ we have to take care of family” is what traps people in untenable situations with mentally ill or dementia stricken relatives .
Why is your AUNT worth such sacrifice? It's obvious SHE ISN'T.
Dump all the liquor in her cabinet, refill with WATER. Do it while the Queen is asleep. Tell her you are leaving in 30 days. Does she need help hiring a Caregiver?
Tell Entitled Aunt you made vows to your WIFE, who comes FIRST. Did your Aunt ever do hands on caregiving in her middle age for her elders? I doubt it. Nothing worse than a entitled Senior Brat.
Tell you wife you have woken up, and both of you figure out a plan to get out and take your lives back.
All families are not the happy joyful groups like we saw on TV shows Happy Days or Rosanne. I know (and I'm sure you also know) families that cannot get along and don't like each other. Move Granny who dips snuff and has dementia into your elegant mansion, and you'll all hate each other soon. Then there's the trauma. You know some dysfunctional families. I certainly do! Like the mother who was roped by her own father and she did nothing to protect her children; he roped them too. You want to take care of a mother like that? Or her father? And the alcoholics? Whose main interest is that you keep buying their booze and they expect you to change their diapers after they've screamed at your kids for years while drunk every night?
If you want to take care of family, great. If you don't want to, don't. It's a personal choice.
If this is impacting your health and mental well-being, you Need to move out!
You do not need to provide 24 hour care to your aunt. Whatever made you feel that you needed to do that? Did she call and beg you? You can feel bad for her, have sympathy, empathy, but you do not owe her your 24 hour presence.
Get out! Let her figure out a solution. If you feel she is unable to manage this on her own, you could help and direct her toward finding in-home care, if she needs it. You could advise her to move to a care home, if in-home care is not feasible.
She could, if she chooses, live on her own. Some stubborn elders make that choice, in denial that they need help, until an accident lands them in the hospital, if they are found in time. There are ways of managing that as well, such as placing cameras in her home to look in on her.
If she is vulnerable, and you feel is in danger living on her own, you can call Adult Protective Services to check on her and do an assessment. They will appoint a guardian to her if needed. There is nothing you NEED to do. If you care for her, step back and let someone else manage this.
Stop catering to this aunt twenty four seven. I know that you have figured out that moving in with her was a grave mistake. You are making money. Save up and get a place if you haven't sold your home already to move into her home. Your aunt sounds like a spoiled tyrant.
Get home care aides to come in. Aunt pays for this. Let her have her tantrums. Get her the proper care. If all else fails, call APS and tell them that you are no longer in the position to take care of your aunt. This situation is not worth you losing your sobriety over.
Move out as soon as possible.
First things first. Easy does it.