Hi everyone. My situation is.... unique? Have a male friend, we went to school together, reconnected in 2019. We live in separate states, we got along well. Fast forward to July 2020, both his parents were admitted to the hospital. Dad wasn't doing so well, Mom was doing ok and were cutting her loose. No one to care for her, as male friend lived outside their home. While Dad was still able to speak, he put Mom in a facility, Dad took a turn for the worse. He passed August 2020. I was devastated for my male friend. I left my state (PA) to come to his parents house (OH) which he was now staying at. Got Mom out of facility, she is now 77, she is a bed bound invalid. Diabetes type 1, stiff person syndrome (SPS), anxiety, slurred speech to the point you can't understand her. No, she never had a stroke but that's what it sounds like, plus her head is always leaning forward and to her left side. It's because of the SPS, according to the many nurses and doctors that came. My male friend, for the sake of length, we'll call him Tim. Also I forgot, because there's sooooo much, Mom has an unofficial diagnosis of dementia. So, I've been here from day one helping Tim take care of HIS Mom, Tim went back to work November 2020, I'm now Mom's 24/7 caregiver. How did that happen???? I was only supposed to be here for two weeks and then go home. Everything was in shambles. Dad was Mom's only caregiver. Not only did I take care of Mom but also started cleaning the hoarder's house. It's a big house! At this point, I'd say I have 50% done. Just sooooo much stuff! So here we are April 2022.... nurses, doctors, aides that have been here previously to Dad dying are amazed at the house and Mom never looked so great! That makes me feel great, for a little while. I'm burned out! I want out! Now I've had two rotator cuff surgeries on the same shoulder in the past. Thanks for letting me vent. It felt great! So much more to this "story."
I know prices are up. I'm in Connecticut and have been for a while. It's one of the top expensive states to be in. Live-in homecare aides do not get $24 an hour to sleep. If a person has different caregivers who work shifts the pay could reach that much. Not for a live-in. No one pays that for Sleep Duty. A live-in caregiver normally doesn't get paid hourly anyway. They're paid salary whether they are private-pay or agency hired. Seniorlist.com is mistaken and not explaining properly. Who knows what their angle is?
I'm not saying that there aren't some fools out there who in their ignorance on how homecare works will pay $24 an hour for a live-in aide to sleep at night. Agency-employed homecare aides normally earn minimum wage or just above for their service. In what state is $24 an hour minimum wage? I will pack my bags today and move there because with my experience I could probably make 70 or 80 bucks an hour.
I had a position back some time ago with a homecare agency that was 48 hours a week. It was two 24-hour shifts. My pay was done regular wage for two shifts equaling 16 hours. I was paid 'Sleep Duty' pay for the 8 hour overnight which is around half the hourly minimum wage. The agency I worked for was accredited by the Better Business Bureau (BBB) and had franchises across the tri-state area. They're still in business.
Seniorlist.com should feature this agency so anyone paying $24 an hour for live-in help can save themselves a great deal of money.
"Dear friend. I need to make some changes in my life. Caregiving for your Mother is one of them". Start there. Have a conversation.
You chose to jump in & help out. But life keeps on changing so reassessment from time to time is necessary.
You can re-choose your path at any time.
I am sure there is so much more to your story. If you want, you can share more with us.
As to how or what to say to get out of the mad house you're in, it doesn't matter. What matter is that you get out. However and whatever it takes.
The longer you stay, the more your health will suffer. And when your health deteriorates to the point where you can't take care of TIm's mother anymore, he might just toss you out. He doesn't take care of his own mother, I don't see why he would take care of you if you fell ill.
Unless Tim is holding you prisoner in the house you can leave anytime you want. I suspect you want to lie about why you are stopping your free caretaking duties is because you don't want to come to the realization that Tim has been using you to take care of his mother for 2 years.
I get the feeling he has taken terrible advantage of your friendship and I would bail if it were me.
(Just spit-balling here, but could the reason he doesn't want to pay a facility or caregiver for her is because it would dip into whatever inheritance he will have once mom passes?)
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I've never heard of a live-in who gets $24 an hour. Even an agency doesn't get that much an hour for a live-in.
The highest I ever made was $28 an hour and that was care for two invalids, daytime hours. The night aide and the overnight sleep-duty aide got nowhere near what I got paid.
Poodle
Has this “Tim” made any sort of commitment to you? Since you moved to be with him, it sounds like you were wanting more out of this relationship than he did. Do you have a job now in OH, or are you reliant on him for everything? If so, this is not a good situation.
I hate to say it, but from what you say here… he is using you. He may not feel the same love you do, but hey, he’s got a housekeeper and caregiver now! How convenient!
Would he give up his life and move across several states to be with you? Would he take care of your mother too? If not, you need to think of your future.
There is nothing wrong with telling him this isn’t what you signed up for. If he criticizes or gets upset at you about that, then it’s not going to work out.
I think you nailed it and put to words what many of us were thinking but didn't want to say.
No matter how much the OP does if Tim doesn't have the same feelings for her, nothing can make him have them.
Shadow should go and leave this guy to deal with his mom's house and care needs. Then get on with her life. She deserves better than to be a slave to caregiving and housekeeping to a man who's probably using her.
I'd venture to say your high school friend is taking advantage of you BIG TIME in this situation. What are you getting out of this, besides two rotator cuff surgeries on the same shoulder?
Also, what happened to the home you left in 2020?
Oh, I almost forgot: Yes, you are wrong to say you need surgery to get the hell out of this madhouse: just tell Tim to stick a fork in you, ya DONE. He's had one helluva nerve putting you in this position to begin with, you do not have to come up with an excuse to LEAVE. Just do it.
Caregivers save the health care industry billions of dollars a year on average-gee, someone else ran the numbers too.
Saddle up, hit the trail 'n ride outta the crazy. You've done enough.
This poor woman needs to go back to the facility where she was getting care and he (probably) wrongly removed her. Tell your friend you're done, surgery or not. If you make an excuse he will ask if you can come back after your surgery. He can't press you for more help if you just say no, with no other reason. Just no. Bless you for helping him, but he's totally taken advantage of you.
I am with Alva, give him a time-line. Tell him you did not sign up to care for his Mom. Time to have her placed.
Come back and update us.
P.S. If he says that he has been giving u a roof over your head tell him live-ins get paid at least minimum wage and time off.
This will leave the situation in Tim's hands whether he chooses in-facility care or not for his Mom. This isn't in any way your responsiblity.
Did you leave a job to do this 24/7? And what of your leave from that job? Your own family back home? Your apartment or home?
How are you supporting yourself while Tim returns to work?
As you are solid friends I would imagine there has been at least some discussion with Tim about his plan for his Mom moving forward?
Can you tell us what that plan is.
You ask us "How did this happen". I think most of us in a similar situation would tell our friend after a few weeks, at most a month of helping organize things, that we need to return home. So honestly I cannot imagine, without some discussion, how this DID happen.
I would say yours is the easy task now. It is as simple as making a plane reservation. It is poor Tim left with the decision to place Mom is care. My heart goes out to you both and I wish you the best of luck.
Some 'friend' this guy is for putting her in charge of a woman THIS sickly and house THIS packed with crap, huh?
No one can take care of you but YOU. Start doing it.
If you want out, get out. Your friend can make another care arrangement for his mother.
Are you caregiving for free too? People LOVE that. You can go home. You don't have to clean the hoard and take care of the invalid.
If your male friend is a real friend he will be grateful for all you've done for his mother and will be perfectly fine with you not being his invalid mother's caregiver and going back home. If he gives you any slack whatsoever about leaving then he's an ingrate and not a true friend. If such becomes the case you should "disconnect" from him at once.
Get. Out.