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This is the second parent I have been caregiver for. When I was 45 my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I quit my job to help care for him until his death 9 years ago. Now I am caregiver for my mom who was diagnosed last year with dementia. Unlike my dad she is mean, aggressive , psychotic (she talks to the tv) and driving me crazy. I can’t sleep or eat well and I have no social life. Lost my job due to caring for her. I’m resenting her more with every passing day. I thought once my daughter went to college I would finally have time to travel and have an active life. Instead I am stuck. I want to place her in a home but her retirement isn’t enough to cover the costs. I have one sibling a brother but he tries to avoid dealing with her and only comes to see her on Saturdays when it doesn’t interfere with his social life. I feel like I’m slowly dying everyday

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Tired, you are NOT wrong to feel however you may feel.

If that is overhelmed, exhausted, resentful - that is understandable.

If fact, I might be seen in my backyard screaming in frustration at the of my lungs to the sky in your shoes.

So feel resentful, that's ok.
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Next, if you like, we can explore what can be done to change things going forward.
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Have you explored getting her qualified for Medicaid?

If you are ready to make a change, we can help you with the steps.
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You have sacrificed your financial future to the care of first your father and now your mother. Do you have any money for retirement? Do you live in your mother's home? Does she pay you anything?

One of the situations that bothers me most on this forum is the common one where the D has to be the caregiver and the brothers (and sometimes sisters) do nothing. I often wonder why the caregiving sibling allows this martyrdom.

I wish you could dump your mother off on your brother. I also wish you could get back pay for your years of servitude. But of course you can't do that. (Well, maybe you could get some compensation for the past caregiving...not sure about that, but you would need to consult an eldercare attorney.)

What is your mother's financial situation? Who is her POA? Her HCPOA?

Others here will tell you the steps to remove yourself from your mother's direct care. Yes, it can be done!
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bundleofjoy Aug 2021
hugs cctn :),

hope you’re ok :).
you wrote:
“I wish you could dump your mother off on your brother.”

if the solution with our siblings were so simple, i think many of us would have done that.

in my case, if ever i would do that (i’m also the daughter, and my 3 siblings are silly/exploitative of me, males)...if i would do that, they would leave my parents to die. they would do nothing.

dumping it on them isn’t an option.

hugs!
many of us are in complicated situations. we would have done whatever simple solution there is, if it existed.

facilities aren’t always the solution: corona outbreaks, etc.

i wish us to somehow find good solutions!! :)

i think many of us, rightly, want to vent.

many of us, rightly, need empathy.

the more money available, the easier the solution. hire helpers, etc.

please, let’s all take care of our lives. don’t sacrifice your life. if your parents love you, they want you to have a full life.

summer hugs!!

bundle :)
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This breaks my heart. I would begin by contacting nursing homes. The admissions director can help you with the steps to take for applying for Medicaid or MediCal… whatever it’s called there. I would also speak to her doctor. Let the doctor know you cannot care for her in the home. The doctor can complete necessary paperwork for admissions. I’m send you hugs, prayers, understanding and hope that you are able to restore your life!🌺🌺🌺PS: If you find a good placement for her, you can be like your brother and visit her on Saturdays… if she becomes aggressive… you can say, “Time to go, I’ll see you next time.”
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You've given up a lot, and where has it gotten you, besides resentful and exhausted? Is it really worth it in the end? And yes, you are slowly dying. In fact you may be in the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one they're caring for. Something has to change today!!!
Your mom needs to placed in the appropriate facility, so I would start there, looking for a nice facility for her. They will have social workers there that can help you with applying for Medicaid for your mom as well, so you don't have to worry about her not having enough money to pay for her care.
Only then will you be able to start enjoying your life again, and get back to just being her daughter, who will be able to come and go as she pleases. I wish you well.
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