Am I wrong to place my mom w/ Alzheimer’s who currently lives with me and my husband in a nursing home during Covid? My sister thinks so.

Dont put her in a home! She will hate it. She will feel confused,
unsafe, sad, lonely and unloved and will get very depressed and her life most likely be cut short.

The Best Choice znd what would be the Safest and Happiest ace for your mom is to live with your sister.
Let your sister take care of your mom.
She is single so there won't be a problem about putting a strain on a marriage and her son is old enough to help out.

It's deffiently worth a try, for your mom's sake.

Ask your mom what she thinks and I'm sure she won't think long to say your sister verses a home.

Who has POA? If its you then place your mom in the nursing home. Sounds like neither your husband or your sister are thinking of the toll this is taking on you!
On top of caregiving you have spent a lot of time getting mom medicaid. Do not allow yourself to be abused in this way. Sister will need to get over her emotions and do what is best for mom.

Just another horrible consequence of the "cure" for covid.

Sorry madam that we amputated your leg, but that was the only way we knew for sure how to cure your hangnail problem.

This may be harsh, but it seems as though your sister is thinking of herself and not your mom. It's tough for me, too, not to see my mom in AL, but it's the best place for her and she's content there, even during Covid lockdown.

I don't think the covid restrictions are going anywhere anytime soon.  I would just hand everything over to your sister.  If it works, you will get your life back with your husband and you will be able to visit your mom at your sisters.  If it doesn't work out, your sister will then be tasked with making the tough decision of placement and you can both say you've made very effort.

Undoubtedly extremely hard decision. I have to say my experience with what I thought was a very nice nursing home turned into a nightmare that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

If your sister is willing to try to take this on, I think u she consider it. And support her as she adjusts to the demands around the corner.

Taking the best care possible of our parents is right. Very difficult and takes. More out of us then we think we have. And then some.

go ahead and have ur mom on Medicaid and live with sister. Will be very very hard on mom not being able to see family. May COVid will be behind us in six months!

best to you!

Is there any way your sister could have your mother for a limited period? So she can see what it is like or so she can just have some time with her before she goes into the nursing home?
It might resolve it without you looking like the bad guy.

While this is quite a difficult situation, you need to assess the situation as far as how bad your mom is and how well you really can handle it. You need to remove the emotional environment and do what is best for you, your marriage, most of all your mom.
Your sister is speaking only with her emotions, until you are a 24/7 care provider there is NO clue what it involved. While she hears you she isn't seeing past her nose, and lives in a world with rose colored glasses in this instance. She is also not thinking about her son, seeing a grandparent who is declining in abilities is a traumatic experience and he is also unaware of the things he will no longer be able to do because of this. Having a 24/7 round the clock care for your mom is going to be a very expensive proposition, is your sister hiding a pot of gold somewhere? I found that it was more expensive to have 24/7 care than having my dad in a care facility. Can your mom's finances handle the average of $20+ per hour for the care your sister is looking at providing, plus their maybe paperwork or tax things. There are approximately 168 hours in a week and on average there are 4 weeks in a month so that equals approximately 672 hours a month which with my math figures is approximately $13,440 a month for home care, this does not include the things that are still necessary for your mom's care: food, toileting supplies including wipes, and adult diapers, medications, things to drink, clothing etc. Even if you find qualified people who only receive $15 you will still be investing $10,080 in her home care.
A vaccine may or may not be available any time soon and even when it comes out, there is always risk that it will not be a viable answer, since COVID is a form of SARS which has come back in a much more potent strain there is no cure for the original SARS. There are many people who are successfully surviving in a Alzheimer's or other form of senior living facility who have not contracted the virus. Fro what I am reading of your post, mom is getting worse and it is a strain on you now, from experience dealing with dementia/Alzheimer's it is devastating and debilitating, but also is very difficult for the care provider as it progresses mentally and physically. Sit down with your sister and work out the best plan of care which is not based on your emotions but based on the reality of the situation.
How much longer can you possibly be a 24/7 care provider?
Will your marriage survive?
How many hours can your sister take her to her home to care 24/7?
Can you/she afford to have someone come and help at the home such as visiting angels?

Alzheimer's can maintain in the same state for as little as a day to years. Mom's mind is already going and in some areas are already gone.

While not taking it lightly, Mom would be best off in a home and even if you can't visit that should not be of concern, she will receive better care in a facility than in you or your sisters care. As mom gets worse she will be unable to take her medications, walk without falling and you both will be trapped not being able to do anything worse than it is now.

I see you have decided to go ahead with placing your mom. In the big scheme of things, this is probably for the best.

If the placement won't be happening immediately, is it possible for your sister to come to your house (rather than uprooting mom and sending her to her house) and be responsible for mom for a week while you and your husband take a much-needed vacation (even if it is only nearby) in order to safeguard your own marriage? That might be just the thing she needs to see that moving mom to a care facility is the best option.

Keep Mom home for Now, Not sure if taking anyone right nowe due to Virus..Let sis help more. See what happens next year when vaccines come out.

No wrong answer. Very tough decision. Gurwin is a great facility. But why does your husband decline at home care? Finances shouldn’t be an issue with Medicaid. In any case, tough decision and I know where you are coming from. Good Luck!

This sounds pretty easy. Let her move in with your sister. Your marriage will only last longer than your Mother if you put the marriage ahead of your Mother. You Mother IS NOT going to get better. Your sisters ability to handle things is only your opinion. If your sister is willing to take this burden on let her. Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss what kind of triggers would occur to signal it is time to move Mom to a home out of your sisters home. On the other hand unless your sister has almost unlimited financial resources moving her to a home is inevitble. Your sisters home is at best a stop gap. My wife constantly put the needs of her Mother ahead of our mariage. Her mother took total advantage of this and we are no longer together. Splitting up in your 60s is a crual , crual thing

I definitely wouldn't. A woman I know, had not seen her family in months while in a nursing home, and she was so excited when they lifted the restrictions, only to find out that they brought a new patient in, who has COVID and now the whole restrictions are on again...everyone has to quarantine and nobody can have visitors. This has put her in a deep depression...I wouldn't wish anyone in a nursing home the loneliness they will feel being quarantined from family with no visitors...

Please place her while you have a chance! Two doctors told us 3 years ago she needed to be in a NH (past AL), but she wouldn't go. Now the local NH won't take her unless I agree to sign for her when she can no longer do it (I am not POA; there is no one to be POA, since she has always been non compliant with me, and my brother is totally disconnected from us and lives far away). That was my chance, and I blew it.....

We have someone in a very good memory care facility in New York State. I think he's safer from CoVid than the elderly family members we have living in their own home.

He is allowed to have visitors (masked, six feet apart, no touching) whenever the facility tests negative for CoVid. They test employees twice a week. They test the residents if an employee tests positive and then they will suspend visitors for two weeks.

It's not ideal. But it isn't as bad as it was in March to place someone in care. Best of luck to your family. Placing someone in care is gut wrenching at any time- but it's especially hard now because of CoVId.

There aren’t any ‘good’ options in aged care, only ‘least worst’ options. Basically, it’s down hill all the way. Get both you and your sister to do two written lists in two columns, pluses and minuses of each option. Writing it down takes a lot of the emotion out of the discussions. you can put weightings on the items in the lists, if you want to deal with the emotional. Then if you both agree with sister, let her do a trial run, as suggested. One of the things on each list should be that you have researched all this, informed sister, and sister hasn’t come up with this option earlier. Respect for this is important, in terms of the weightings of your views.

I would let her take mom. Help her get set up with the Home Health Care and teach her about her meds and hopefully, you have visiting nurses and a bathing nurse. I wish one of my siblings could take my mom even for six months cause we've had her for four years and it's undeniably stressful. Let her help if she can. I live in California and no one can visit anyone in the hospital and it's to me, criminal. So if your sister wants, let her and support her in taking your mom.

Send mom for two weeks for a “trial” run and I am sure your sister will get how hard it is. My 91-year-old mother has been with me for three months which I do routinely now for three years. My sister has the other months of the year. Her dementia is getting worse all the time and my marriage has been greatly affected this time. We are both exhausted....It is a constant questionnaire and disagrees with absolutely everything that we say ...it’s frustrating. Living with someone who has dementia is debilitating, frustrating, stressful, and exhausting. Sometimes no matter how hard you try your loved one will not appreciate it… Gets upset that you have taken over their life when their needs have to be met and they can no longer do for themself, so they take it out on you. My mother needs to be with others her own age so she can tell the same four (made-up) stories over and over and over again and no one will mind because they won’t remember. If you are the health care surrogate and have POA do what you think is best!

You are not wrong. Sister just doesn't understand the situation.

Combination of several factors would lead me to say no, you are not wrong to do this and sister probably has NO clue how difficult it is. As primary care-giver, do you have all the "authority" or is it shared with her? If not shared, welcome her input, but ultimately it is your decision.

The huge surge in NY has mostly passed - yes there still are cases, but there are cases everywhere. As someone else pointed out, with onset of winter, flu, colds, etc will become more prevalent as well. Your mother would just as likely catch this virus or any other virus going around staying with you or your sister, as you have tasks to do outside the home, just like anyone else. Your homes are less likely to have strict sanitizing like a facility would as well. (sure there are lax places, but this doesn't appear to be one of them!)

Having a 15yo in the home might make it even more risky, as many under 18 can catch and spread the virus (and other illnesses) without any symptoms. Also, if she has a 15yo at home, is she currently working? If so, who will take care of your mother? Aides? It is very expensive to hire 24/7, or even enough to cover a working day (8 hr + commute, etc.) If there's no money, how will the aides be paid? If she hasn't done any of the care mom gets now, then she also has no idea how hard it is and how much harder it will become, even if she isn't working!

I did look up the place you mentioned, sounds like a great place. For worries about the virus, see:

https://www.gurwin.org/frequently-asked-questions-related-to-covid-19/

On that page, there is a link Visitation Update. Check that too. It does say that as restrictions are loosening, limited outdoor visits are about to start (as of today, it says Oct 7). If they do get a case, it resets the clock and stops visits, but still, it isn't like she would never see her! They also appear to have "drive through" visits. Granted this is more difficult, because the person stays inside and you stay in your car, but you still get to see each other! I had one outdoor visit with mom a few weeks ago. Between dementia, the masks, 6' distancing AND mom's lack of hearing, it was mostly a waste of time, but it is what it is.

If possible, perhaps they can also set up video visits. Most likely it would require help from staff, depending on how much your mother can understand/do, but at the least you both would be able to see and talk to her, just not in person.

After all the time and effort you've put into it (did she balk last minute?), you really don't want to miss this opportunity just to soothe your sister. If things didn't work out for sister doing the care, how long and difficult would it be to start over and find a place? On the flip side, if it *really* didn't pan out, and you both agreed it wasn't the right fit, you could take her out and let sister try, but I doubt that would happen!

Go for it!

So if Mom is qualified for Medicaid who is going to pay for all these at-home caregivers? Just wrangling these people can be a full time job. And how is your sister going to ensure they are safe from Covid? Who monitors them or their testing? Your duty is to do what is best for your Mom. Your sister has no idea how much work caring for an elderly infirm person can be.

Gurwin is excellent. My Grandma was there in her last months of life & passed away there in 1998. My mother & my Aunt went there regularly. Now my mother, 93 has dementia & is very abusive every day to me. I’m taking care of her at home in Queens ...discharged her from SNF nearby 3.5 years ago. The Nurses, CNAs & Social Worker all warned me that she will get worse...they were right...She’s incontinent& immobile. We use a machine to transfer her. I have a paid private pay caregiver for 25 hrs a week. Not many caregivers would want to take care of her...she gets very abusive & violent. Please listen to me & leave her at Gurwin. It’s the best place on LI Hugs 🤗

No.

No, you are not wrong.

My 92 yo LO has recovered from Covid, and is just about who she was when she became ill.

If she had NOT been where she was, I doubt that she would have survived.

If she has a medical POA, that person will have say, but I would have no reservations solely based on Covid.

You are not wrong. Yes Covid is a fact of life at this time. Many facilities have been able to get a better handle on it than in the beginning. I'm thinking she would have a lesser chance of getting it at a facility than in a home with a teenager. Going into the facility on Medicaid means there aren't any funds to pay for in home care, unless baby sister thinks you will foot the bill. With mom's dementia worsening the kind thing to do is to get her settled in a facility while she can still make the adjustment to her new home. She very well may enjoy interacting with others and activities that are offered, sometimes they seem to improve a little bit or not decline as swiftly because of meds being more regulated and more stimulating environments. Do what's best for mom, little sister may have issues, she may stop talking to you, her problem not yours. You stated sis can't take care of herself, how in the world is she going to be responsible for mom's wellbeing? Let's face it, you are not doing this because you want to, you came to this decision because you need to do this FOR mom. Prayers for you and your family as you make these stressful choices. Know you are doing the right thing for all concerned.

Is there money to pay for round the clock aids? You say your Mom is Medicaid eligible so I cannot imagine how. Are you the POA for Mom? I don't think that your Sister is being realistic at all here. She hasn't done 24 hour care and she doesn't understand the costs of help in the home.
I myself would do the placement. I would however know exactly what I am letting myself in for, because this could be the end of the relationship with my sister, and could in fact mean the death of your Mom from covid. That is a lot to be able to shoulder should worse come to worse.
Only you know your sister well enough to know if in home at her house might work. If it is very very clear to you that it would not/could not, then I would sit her down and tell her all the reasons why, and tell her that you fully understand you are risking her love and your Mom's life; it is what she will accuse you of. If you think there is a chance in Hades that your Sis can do this, then you might let her try during covid, warn her against spending her money, do not spend your own, and let the home know that this last ditch effort is going to be tried for three months, that you are quite certain it will not work, but that you cannot risk your Sister's love and your Mom's life without giving it a try first.
The two paths are clear. Only you can make the decision. There is no right and wrong here. These are desperate times in which there are no good answers and not everything can be fixed.

How does your sister think she is going to hire aides if Mom has no money. Are you the POA? If so, its your decision to make. And if NY is like NJ, you only have 90days from date of application to get Mom placed.
Your marriage is #1 here. Moms decline will continue to the point ur sister cannot care for her. And she should be enjoying her childs teen years. Shortly he will be on his own. I assume she works.

Do what you need to do. At this point Mom probably has no idea what is going on. Tell her she is going to a new apartment and will have new friends. It worked with my Mom.

Have sister help mom either in your house or her house. She sees what it's like. Then go ahead with the nursing home.

Covid cases in NYC are dramatically declined and staff are way more savvy about how to deal with it now. FYI I'm in MN and my 85-yr old MIL was in LTC and got covid in May. She was really sick for 4 weeks, then had a full recovery. It's not a death sentence for every senior. Your marriage is more important. Your sister's 15-yr old is more important. My opinion is No to her caring for her in her home. Seasonal flu is nearing and with a teenager in the home, this is a double risk if worried about her catching something nasty. This past June our MN legislators passed an Essential Caregivers bill so that now 1 or more vetted caregivers (by the facility) will be allowed inside no matter what. You should find out if this has happened yet in NY. If not, you should have this discussion with your mom's facility admin. I wish you peace in your hearts that there is really no perfect solution.