Certainly not an easy decision. As a matter of fact it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I moved my mom in with my me and my husband about one year ago. Mom’s condition has been steadily declining and it has put a terrible strain on my marriage. I found a good skilled nursing home called Gurwin on Long Island for her.
I realize the Covid crisis will make it very hard to see her and my sister is now in panic mode because she may not be able to visit her. She NOW wants her to live with her and have round the clock nurses aides come to her home. I have spent months getting mom Medicaid eligible for nursing home placement . I saw the writing on the wall. I have kept all my siblings up to date with all the decisions I have made and now that mom can go into a good home my one sister who is a single mom with a 15 year old son wants to take her in. Honestly, she can barely take care of herself. Her emotions are dictating her decision to fight me on this. I love my mom too and to place her now during a pandemic was not a decision made lightly. Mom needs attention and care round the clock. She can do a few things like feeding herself and toileting at times but now she’s incontinent of urine most of time. The stress over the last year as her caregivers put a terrible strain on our marriage. My husband refuses to have help at home and I have to respect that even though I disagree. Any advice?
Am I wrong to place mom during all the Covid visiting restrictions and at times NO visitors. My sister is very close to my mom and she’ll not do well if she can’t visit her.
you seem to have your sisters best interest at heart as well 💜 so please don’t take the advice of well that’s her problem, that is a terrible approach... she’s hurting to, as you said she and your mother are very close ... atleast let he try ... can’t hurt anything and it keeps your family United 💕
she will be gone one day, and both will be able to say you gave it everything you had in you to Love her and keep her home for as long as you could🌸
I don't envy your situation. I know from personal experience you're between the proverbial "rock & a hard place". Most of the time I faced criticism but in my case neither sibling was willing to "step up"; however, if had they, there were good, sound reasons for not turning over responsibility for my mom's care to either one.
If your sister were to begin taking care of your mother, how on earth could she afford to pay for your mother's 24/7 care? This is of particular concern since you've wrote that you spent months made certain she qualifies for Medicaid.
(Unless this was done years ago, I'm not sure how you managed to do that since your mother's assets (presuming she had any of consequence) had to be transferred "x" number of years prior to qualifying for Medicaid - but that's not what your question entails.
I presume your other siblings are supportive of your decision - you don't mention having any problems with them.
Perhaps there are ways your sister can visit your mother that neither of you can considered. It may sound cold & heartless, but you cannot base your decisions for your mother's care on your sister's needs. You can offer to take her to visit mom when it's convenient for you & your husband &/or help her find alternative ways for her to be able to visit your mom.
Frankly, it sounds as if your sister could benefit from some counseling. From what you've stated, if she doesn't deal with what's going on with her mother now, she's going to have an extremely hard time whenever your mom dies.
That's just my opinion based on what you've written & I have misinterpreted what you've said.
It all boils down to you doing what's best for your mom & to keep your marriage from disintegrating any more than it may have already done.
You are going to have to do what YOU think is right.
Never mind your sister for a minute: how is your mother handling the prospective move?
Did your sister get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night?
Did she have any problems with mom having meltdowns or difficult behavior or Sundowner's syndrome?
How easy was it to care for mom, make meals, care for the home, and find time to care for herself and/or talk to her son?
At the end of this visit, I believe your sister will come to agree that caring for mom at this stage of her dementia is a 24/7 job and that your pplan has great merit.
I placed my best friend based on nothing more than it was close to home. Thinking all of them would be good, we had no idea what we were getting into. It took an act of God to get her into another home (hospitalization because they almost killed her despite my being there at least 6 hours every day and threatening to get a lawyer) and it was not easy to do.
You have found a good home before time runs out, and your sister has no idea what 24/7 care really is all about - it is very, very hard and not to be taken lightly or because one feels it necessary or guilty. Maybe if you had her take a tour of the facility it would make her feel better. We hear the horror stories and know they are true, so finding a good home is important and not easy to do twice!
I have been taking care of my 94 year old Mom now for the past 4 years. Physically my Mom is still in pretty good shape. She can walk with a walker, eat by herself, go to the toilet by herself, and even do light housework. That said, cognitively she is horribly on the decline with vascular dementia. She has very little long term memory and sometimes thinks I’m her old college boyfriend. She also has severe separation anxiety and if I’m not in her line of sight, she goes into a tail spin of a panic. But as long as she is near me and can see me, she’s all smiles. As a result, we are together 24/7 and it’s pretty exhausting.
And although her journey has become my blessed journey of care and love, and I am doing everything I can for her, like you, there may come the day when I can no longer take care of her. Even though my Mom has never said this to me, I think deep down she would at one point want me to put her in a “nice” facility so that I could have a little bit of a life. Yes, it would be absolutely traumatizing for the both of us but in the end, if I collapse from exhaustion, what will that have accomplished?
I guess what I’m saying is that as hard as it will be, love sometimes means doing what’s best for everyone, even when there’s a lot of emotional pain in doing it.
This is what some need to hear! You are doing a great job with your mom (hopefully you don't have to ward off amorous behavior, since she thinks you are her old college boyfriend!!!) You are also very sensible. While it is doable and there are no lingering emotional difficulties from one's past, by all means do take them in and provide the care if one feels capable. But, as you note, sometimes it requires some critical thinking AND doing what is BEST for your LO and yourself. It isn't a task everyone can take on, despite what some think AND say...
(From Love Story: "Love means never having to say you're sorry")
P.S. Our mother was moved to MC from her condo, living alone. I am NOT sorry for having done this. I believe it DID save her life, and also note that before dementia, it was HER PLAN to move to AL at some point. Dementia lies to the person who has it, providing an old, distorted view of their life, so they are not capable of understanding their deficits.
u don’t mean to scare you, but you really don’t know how that system is. I hope you have an outsider staying with her 24/7, believe me.... Covid is the least if your worries. I’m not being rude it’s a fact. Look up on youtube, newspaper articles on line. I’m praying for you and your mom!!!
NO! You are NOT wrong! Your sister should have stepped up earlier (although it doesn’t sound like that would have worked long term) . Your mother’s condition is only going to worsen. Your marriage is important, her safety and care are important.
I have learned that sometimes it is much better (certainly less depressing - FOR ALL) for someone else, (not related), to do the caregiving. They chose this occupation and are most likely well suited for it. The loved one is spared the embarrassment in front of their family member of repeatedly soiling their adult diapers etc. Also it alleviates any short tempers which can arise (my experience) while watching in disbelief that your own mother can’t do THE MOST SIMPLEST OF TASKS. Hits you to the core....
Covid SUCKS, and I struggled too when my mom 94 yr old mother was in Rehab and I could only visit from the street looking in the window. Fortunately I found her an excellent “Board and Care” that converted the Garage to a visitor’s spot. They have the garage door open, we wear masks and are 6 feet apart. It is $4,800 a month and we will need to sell her condo soon to pay for it. When/if that $ runs out before she dies, she will go into a Nursing Facility. We have to do what we have to do for them (with LOVE) but NOT to the point where it is destructive to our own relationships and the relationship with those we are caring for.
Those who keep spewing how horrible places are (and how horrible we are to place them!) may have had a bad experience or more than one, BUT one has to take the time to check out places. The devil is in the details, so if you just look and see 5 star ratings, you are NOT doing your job! We checked several places.
One I eliminated right away. The one my brother found was more expensive, had a lousy set up mom would hate (2br, shared bathroom, so she'd be in with someone else - NO WAY!) and an even worse view from the windows (parking lot and 4 lane road with many businesses!) The one I was originally considering was torn down and rebuilt into a lovely IL/AL/MC place. The layout was very nice and the people I was dealing with were also nice. I still asked questions, but the deposit was refundable, so I locked in for when they would open. I don't regret it at all! If I had to be in a facility, I would choose this one! I've met various people, residents and staff of AL and MC, admin staff and was able to see the place MANY times before lock down (she's been there over 3.5 yrs now) and NEVER saw anything bad going on, clean, kind, considerate, friendly staff, happy people on the AL side - what's not to like?
Mom's care has progressed from being mobile and able to do most self-care, to a walker, to needing help with bathing and toileting, eventually ending up in a wheelchair (lack of use and fear of falling mostly), so most of her care is assisted. She's now having difficulty feeding herself and becoming a potential choking hazard due to a stroke which affected her right side. I was assured that even if she becomes bed-ridden and we get hospice (denied for now), she can remain to the end - I won't have to scramble to get a place in a NH!!!
I am curious what happened to mom's money if it wasn't used to hire in home health while she was with you (in order to qualify for Medicaid). If the money is actually stashed, then use it to help sister get mom set up in sister's home. The no visits are VERY difficult for those who cannot visit the loved ones. And you are going in to this knowing it will be more than difficult for your sister. Don't do it.
You also imply that OP has "spent all mom's money down to qualify for Medicaid." Spending down doesn't mean you can willy-nilly spend it on anything or buy whatever you decide. Generally you would be expected to use any assets on-hand to pay towards the initial cost of the facility. Since this would all would have happened in that 5 yr lookback, I doubt OP did any of that, otherwise they would be penalized and have to pay up.
Generally, unless her mom and/or dad saved up a lot over the years, a residence might be the only real valuable asset, which Medicaid doesn't require be sold to pay (likely puts a lien on it, to be paid up after mom passes), BUT OP's profile mentions an apartment, so it isn't likely mom had some big treasure chest to be "spent". Most likely she has a minimal SS payment and maybe a small pension from her husband.
"I am curious what happened to mom's money.." That is basically a NONEYA, as in none of your business... Be curious all you want, but posting that implies that OP has done something wrong, or at least shady. Also, "If the money is actually stashed", as you put it, Medicaid WOULD find out AND require it to be used to cover the cost of the facility before they would buck up. They would find any transfer of assets, because OP has been working on this for months, NOT 5 years!
The real issue here is sis - she had PLENTY of time and OPPORTUNITY to express her wish to take mom in and not use the NH. She could have expressed it while OP was making the other plans. She could have used those months as a trial period and probably would have quickly found herself in over her head. Medicaid could contribute to some, and I stress SOME, in-home care help too, so if mom was approved while sis was caring, she could look forward to a bit of help, but not enough and likely not enough in the meantime, since she works full time.
I also don't know who said it, but seriously, asking a 15 yo boy to look after a grandmother with ALL the issues she has? Most 15 yo's don't even want to clean their rooms or do chores. Helping grandma out here and there is one thing. Having to devote your free time after school tending to grandma every day isn't going to end well!
Since she didn't bring any of this up during the MONTHS-LONG process, at this point OP would lose the NH spot, lose all the work done to get Medicaid approved and still not know how to fund sister's cockamamie unfunded and ill-advised "plan" (has to be quotes on plan, as there ISN'T ONE!)
Then she may become more realistic.
Sister needs to know how much time is spent each day to care for her even if sis works from home. If there are finances to allow for 24 hour care - then do it. Let sis have her time with mom. When she can no longer do it, she will have to make a decision. If there is one single person in the family willing to give it a go - let them. What can it hurt? And sis will feel better knowing she tried.
"I am going to proceed with placing my mom now. We have the opportunity to place her in one of the best nursing homes on Long Island."
Good to hear back from you. Despite the nay-sayers, this is likely the best solution. Worst case, if things didn't work out, you can take her out. If Sis took her in and couldn't cope, you would be back to square 1, your home, until such time as you could repeat all the hard work you did to get this in place!
For those nay-sayers:
1) "I have spent months getting mom Medicaid eligible for nursing home placement." - THIS implies no funds to cover IN-HOME care. Not likely they have a tree out back growing money.
2) "I have kept all my siblings up to date with all the decisions I have made and now that mom can go into a good home my one sister who is a single mom with a 15 year old son wants to take her in." Sis had MONTHS to figure out she wanted to do this and work out the details. Last minute knee jerk decisions almost NEVER work out they way one wants. BAD idea.
3) "Honestly, she can barely take care of herself." If sis can barely take care of herself and her 15yo son, how is she going to do this? Plus. this will be a 24/7 job, sis works and even if she can come up with funds to cover aides during the work day, WHO is going to do all the work needed? Sis wants to visit mom, but has she ever taken care of her, so she knows what it involves? Bet not.
4) Even if sis is aware of current care and could barely manage it, it will NOT improve, it will only get worse.
5) chances of bringing in the virus, esp with a school age kid in the house, are likely greater than in a facility, where they have strict sanitizing rules. Yes, it can spread like wildfire in a facility, but it can in the home too. Not likely home care givers are using protocols.
The place OP has chosen (looked it up and read about it) sounds like a wonderful place, and given no virus detected, there are visitations allowed, to a point.
Knee-jerk reactions are not the right way to make plans. If sis had a plan, she could have proposed it long ago AND tried taking mom in, as a trial period. Nope. Last minute panic. Nope. BAD idea.
Additionally, if you read OP's profile, her mother has some serious issues!
"alzheimer's / dementia, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, osteoporosis, and stroke." These all combined would put a serious strain on anyone trying to care for the person, even with some daytime coverage, never mind a working mom who can "barely take care of herself."
You did your due diligence.
If your sister did not help before what makes her think she can handle it now?
You took a bit of a risk putting her there during COVID. However, sometimes we do what we must. I am sure your mom will get good care.
Your sister has no idea how challenging caregiving is. Only those of us on the front lines know the round the clock struggles.
Take a deep breath. Every thing will be fine. You did what you needed to do.
I'd wonder about mom going there and letting them all try it out. But you and I and the rest of us here know how unrealistic it is and the problems a change of environment can cause. This is most likely to result in an unnecessary stressor for you mom.
As for hubby...at one point I would have wanted to hit him over the head multiple times for refusing any help to relieve your burden...but having tried to have hired help ourselves last year...I get it. There are so many hassles, problems, concerns in hiring privately...UNLESS you are one of the lucky ones. But it seems like now things are past the point of even trying that.
So...sadly, when you take it all into consideration, you're wise to contemplate the nursing home alternative. Very sad, but realistic. And as you said, potentially anticipating this, you have pre-planned as much as possible and found a good place. You've done all you can. Just have to wonder what hubby would be thinking if it was HIS mother. Good luck with it all...
go with what’s in ur heart...the time u have left with her u don’t wanna lose. Be grateful ur sis is there n wants to take her. That will help with the strain in ur marriage. It shouldn’t just be u. Ur not an only child...let ur siblings help.
i lost my mom in February...I would do anything for her...u will look back n the time just goes tooo fast. N she’s gone. 💔💔💔