Certainly not an easy decision. As a matter of fact it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I moved my mom in with my me and my husband about one year ago. Mom’s condition has been steadily declining and it has put a terrible strain on my marriage. I found a good skilled nursing home called Gurwin on Long Island for her.
I realize the Covid crisis will make it very hard to see her and my sister is now in panic mode because she may not be able to visit her. She NOW wants her to live with her and have round the clock nurses aides come to her home. I have spent months getting mom Medicaid eligible for nursing home placement . I saw the writing on the wall. I have kept all my siblings up to date with all the decisions I have made and now that mom can go into a good home my one sister who is a single mom with a 15 year old son wants to take her in. Honestly, she can barely take care of herself. Her emotions are dictating her decision to fight me on this. I love my mom too and to place her now during a pandemic was not a decision made lightly. Mom needs attention and care round the clock. She can do a few things like feeding herself and toileting at times but now she’s incontinent of urine most of time. The stress over the last year as her caregivers put a terrible strain on our marriage. My husband refuses to have help at home and I have to respect that even though I disagree. Any advice?
Am I wrong to place mom during all the Covid visiting restrictions and at times NO visitors. My sister is very close to my mom and she’ll not do well if she can’t visit her.
If the placement won't be happening immediately, is it possible for your sister to come to your house (rather than uprooting mom and sending her to her house) and be responsible for mom for a week while you and your husband take a much-needed vacation (even if it is only nearby) in order to safeguard your own marriage? That might be just the thing she needs to see that moving mom to a care facility is the best option.
Your marriage is #1 here. Moms decline will continue to the point ur sister cannot care for her. And she should be enjoying her childs teen years. Shortly he will be on his own. I assume she works.
Do what you need to do. At this point Mom probably has no idea what is going on. Tell her she is going to a new apartment and will have new friends. It worked with my Mom.
I myself would do the placement. I would however know exactly what I am letting myself in for, because this could be the end of the relationship with my sister, and could in fact mean the death of your Mom from covid. That is a lot to be able to shoulder should worse come to worse.
Only you know your sister well enough to know if in home at her house might work. If it is very very clear to you that it would not/could not, then I would sit her down and tell her all the reasons why, and tell her that you fully understand you are risking her love and your Mom's life; it is what she will accuse you of. If you think there is a chance in Hades that your Sis can do this, then you might let her try during covid, warn her against spending her money, do not spend your own, and let the home know that this last ditch effort is going to be tried for three months, that you are quite certain it will not work, but that you cannot risk your Sister's love and your Mom's life without giving it a try first.
The two paths are clear. Only you can make the decision. There is no right and wrong here. These are desperate times in which there are no good answers and not everything can be fixed.