Am I wrong to feel taken advantage of?

You don’t need validation for how you feel, one way or another.

You work, you live at a distance, you are young and have no legal or moral responsibility for her care.

Don’t expect anyone in the family to agree with you or reserve their threats and complaints if you decide to withdraw. If you have plenty of healthy non-family support you don’t need “blood kin”.

BE YOU.

Are you even acting as her POA (handling finances, medical, etc.), or is she still handling her own affairs? If she's handling them, then you aren't her POA until she can't do those things. You're merely designated as her POA if and when she needs one, and you can refuse to act as it by telling her NOW that she needs to designate someone else.

As far as the caregiving aspect of things, you get to tell the relatives and Auntie that you as caregiver is not an option (and also unrelated to your POA status), so "let's put our heads together and figure out what we can do here."

When you are no longer an option, solutions are quickly found.

My husband’s grandmother tried to take advantage of me. She would say, “I need you to do this or that right now!” I would tell her that it wasn’t convenient for me.

She would tell me to cancel plans in order to help her. Again, I would say, “No, I can’t help you right now. I’m not canceling plans to help you. I will help you on such and such day at such and such time and if this doesn’t work out for you, find someone else to help you.”

Some people will ask you the same questions 100 different ways to place pressure upon you. They are trying to break you down. This is when they should be cut off in midstream by saying anything, such as, you have another call coming in or that you have to get dinner out of the oven, etc.

The best way to deal with overly demanding people is to avoid them. Once you’re in their trap, it becomes a major headache.

So, after this is resolved, don’t become involved in her life again. You deserve to live your own life. Best wishes to you.

Who are the family members who live near her? Is there some kind of issue with them, since you in another state are POA? (BTW, have you resigned that position yet?)

How often is "I come when I can"? What happens when you aren't there? What do they do for your aunt then?

Yes, you are being taken advantage of, just as you were when you were assigned POA without being asked.

Yes, you are being taken advantage of. Stop helping, completely. Visit her if you want to see her, but no more hands-on caregiving. Not your job, not your responsibility, not your problem. Use the distance as an excuse if need be.

You'd think a person would have to legally agree to be a POA but it doesn't. I was in the lawyers office when a POA was drafted for my father and no where does it require my signature.

Resign immediately. There is no way you can do this job adequately from 5 hours away and this will stop the local relatives from expecting you to give up your life so they won't be expected to do anything.

You don't need to feel like a victim unless you accept the role of victim.

You haven't. You have told your Aunt what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.

Your family's "expectations" of you is their own problem. Your only problem is to self-protect. Continue to do so. They will pass their judgements on you either more or less vocally. Ignore them. Get on with your life.

You didn't cause any of this. You can't fix any of this. Simply get on with your life, and smile nicely at them all.

Under the circumstances, your reaction is normal.

It appears that they're trying to keep "can barely care for herself" aunt out of a facility and using you and each other to keep her at home. A facility where she has 24-hour care is possibly the best place she could be, but she won't get there if all of you keep enabling her "independence," which isn't independence at all.

You owe none of them anything. Five hours away is quite a long trip for you. Be sure they understand how busy you are and stop going. It's quite likely that everyone would be better off.

Good luck, you deserve your life back, and cheers to you for setting boundaries.

Just the fact that you live five hours away and work full time makes this impractical for you.

Yes, you’re being taken advantage of. I would never expect someone to travel five hours to help me. Would you expect someone to do this for you? I doubt it, so why are you continuing to do this for your aunt?

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person but you are going above and beyond for your aunt and it’s eventually going to take its toll on you. It’s not worth you becoming sick due to sticking your neck out to help her.

Please take a giant step back and either help her to find others to help or tell her to find outside help herself.

Apologies if I have already mentioned Next of Kin.. (can't see it..)

*Next of Kin* to be be notified in case of emergency, be involved in arranging care or support etc
The order is spouse, adult children, siblings, then .. ?? other relations: nieces/nephews, aunts/uncles depending on age (adult but not unrealistically elderly I guess)

Aunt has neither spouse of children. So makes sense she is looking for a relation to be a responsible contact.

All this advice to refuse being legal POA may be missing the point, maybe..?

Is this a MORAL issue? Also a COMMUNICATION issue?

How much does Aunt want & need?
How much does Tiredniece want & can give?

Is this it? Aunt wants so much more than TN can give?

Aunt needs a TEAM. Not just a lone niece, but a team of helpers. People get fearful.
Get fixed on *family helps family*.
When their needs are TOO HIGH for family they must involve NON-FAMILY helpers.

Is this where Aunt is stuck?
Is this where her siblings & other distant family members are stuck? (Quick, find the kindest gal, push the FHF line (aka push her under the bus) so they can all keep on living free).

Tiredniece. Tale some rest. Take some thinking time. My usual advice stands. Then choose your course of action.

Lead: talk directly with Aunt.
Be honest.
Discuss her needs (her list).
What you can do (your list).
Explain she will need to source OTHER help for the rest. She may push. You push back.

Follow: just go along doing more & more like Aunt is your new Boss.

Get out of the way: run, hide, ghost out, go no contact.

I can't say what I would do in your situation, in your family, not knowing the personalities.. I do know Lead can be hard, especially for those who dislike conflict. Hard but so often worth it - to be true to your own needs.

I got into a standoff mydelf last night. A very pushy co-worker said I want you to... I said no. I WANT YOU TO... I SAID NO. I WANT YOU TO.. I walked away. Made me think sometimes walking away is communication too.