My mother, 93, is nearing the end in a nursing home very far from where I live. I have a disability that prevents me from getting to her on my own. My husband, 65, was laid off during the pandemic and found a new position nine months ago, but cannot take time off to drive me seven hours there and back. We can't afford for him to risk losing this job at his age.
My mom was brutally abusive to me and my sister, (from whom we're both estranged) physically and psychologically, though she still refuses to admit it. My father passed years ago, but when I was a child, he would routinely have to "pull her off" of us--his words--when he was at home. The psychological abuse continues to this day, but any attempt to broach the subject with my mother has resulted in her screaming at me and calling me crazy. She and her sister (deceased) both suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, and my only female cousin was abused as badly by her self-centric mother. Because I cannot--and quite honestly don't really want to--see her, I've decided to write her. The content of the letter I've drafted isn't nasty or mean, but it is 100% honest. My goal is only to have some closure before she dies. (She came close two weeks ago.) Though of course, nothing I write can undo the damage she's caused, I know expressing my feelings will make me feel better. I don't want to see her leave this world without at least hearing the truth, even if she won't acknowledge it. Am I a horrible person to want to do this?
This is my first time writing this forum. Thank you in advance for any thoughts any of you may have.
THIS!!!
And don't you think there's a good chance she won't even finish reading the letter?
I am curious, though -- you state the psychological abuse continues to this day. What kind of contact do you have with your mother? Are you her POA/HCPOA? Does she call you?
What does your sister think of all the past abuse? Are the two of you close?
When you say you want to have closure before she dies, you can only mean that the letter has to have some kind of impact on her. What would that impact look like?
I'm sure you are not a horrible person, but the action you are contemplating is vile. Don't do it. Write the truth by all means only don't do this.
Once your mom is gone, the abuse will stop but only if you stop reliving it over and over and keeping it alive.
So, if you want to write a letter to bare your soul; to get it all out of YOUR system for YOU, do it, but don't mail it b/c you'll then wait for a response which will never come.
Soon enough your mother will pass and finally understand the impact she had on you; how her behavior affected you and others. That is 'hell' and she will see, through your eyes, what all that abuse did to you. That is my belief, anyhow.
However you decide to handle this matter, best of luck to you in getting past this terrible abuse that was doled out to you. You certainly deserved better, and you deserve better NOW than you will wind up getting from her in the way of an apology that will never come.
More than likely she will never acknowledge getting this letter.
Or if she does she will deny everything in said letter.
Abusers like your mother really don't believe they are abusers. They always lie and deny. It is amazing how they feel no guilt or remorse for the pain and terror they inflicted on their children.
How they just go on living their lives as if none of it ever happened.
If this letter will help you heal from the trauma of your mother's abuse then do it.
I think the closure will come for you by writing it out though. Write it out and release it to the universe. Maybe light it on fire after your mom passes. Symbolic for releasing it
Instead of sending the letter, I would burn it over moms symbolic or actual ashes.
It's a funny kind of justice, as I've said before...those parents who were abusive in their younger days were protected from hearing the truth by their sense of denial then, and now when they're elderly, they're protected from the truth by confusion and/or Dementia.