Am I wrong for wanting to tell my mother how much her physical and mental abuse impacted my life before she passes?

Your feelings are not wrong.

It’s ultimately pointless to attempt to hold a severely mentally ill person responsible for their behaviour. They are incapable of accepting any responsibility. There is no satisfaction to be had.

I have thought for decades of giving my mother the laundry list on her death bed of her acts of extreme abuse and neglect. There’s no point. Any trivial thing now, she screams, “Shut up! You’re lying. You’re a liar! I never said that, I never did that.” Her mental illnesses (NPD and borderline) make her incapable of dealing psychologically with the repercussions of her behaviour. I pity her.

My suggestion is to take the high road. Start a big fire in a fireplace or fire pit or grill. Take your letter and read it out loud. Throw it in the fire and watch it burn. Consider this a ritual of letting go of the hurt, letting go of the anger, letting go of the years of torment....and move on. That is your closure.

She is not worthy of any more effort than that.

I've been wondering what happened when the letter arrived.

You're in the room as one of a team nursing a dying woman in her last hours. A letter arrives for her. It's your patient's right to receive it, but if she can't open the letter or hold it or see well enough to read, it's your job - with her permission - to open it for her and read it to her.

Would you?

It's incredible that this subject has been kept going in for so long. A borderline daughter who does't want to allow her so called "narcissistic" mother to die in peace without first taking revenge for events that she claims, occurred many decades ago. I don't blame the disturbed daughter for keeping this frivolous discussion for so long. The enabler "expert advisors" are the responsible ones.

Oh, I understand this feeling all too well.

It wasn't physical abuse for me, but certainly emotional/psychological.

The best advice I have on that - as someone who has accepted that my mother will move on from this life without ever acknowledging or apologizing for such things - is that, cliche as it sounds, forgiveness is truly a gift that you give yourself.

Her treatment of you is something she has to live with, even if only for a short time. You, however, have the choice to let it go. Hard as that sounds to do - it still remains within your power.

And remember - everything is a communication. If deep down, on some twisted level, her ambitions to torment you were based upon the reaction it elicited, your not responding to them in the traditional way still sends her a message. And that message is, you have healed yourself, and risen above.

I hope that helps you. I have nothing but empathy for those feelings, believe me.

A total waste of time. Grow up and keep going without looking at the past. She will never get it and you will be consumed by guilt.

She knows, probably buried it deep within to live with it. I wouldn't send her anything but a get well note. You think it may bring closure but what if your note haunts you in the future? Sounds like you have been through enough where she is concerned. Not sure where you stand on God, but in my opinion, nobody gets away with anything. You can pretend all you want in life but in death it will be shown to you. Take the higher road it will free you in time. Reliving your past only holds you back. Prayers for your healing. Take care

I was in a similar situation, and chose not to have "the talk" with my mom about how her abuse impacted my life. She passed away 2 years ago, and I am very happy about the path I chose. Once she died, I established a real connection with her that is not fettered with the past. I truly believe she is freed from all that drove her to her earthly actions. She is freed from them and so am I. I talk to her all the time now, with a free and open heart, knowing we are both different people now.
Hope this helps....

Hi all,

I was overwhelmed by the thoughtful, caring, and kind responses to my question, and I am so grateful to each and every one of you who took the time from your busy days to respond. Having so many folks willing to help a complete stranger with a vexing issue was a profoundly humbling experience.

There was a lot to unpack in terms of the variety of answers and advice everyone offered. I wrote a letter - in fact, rewrite followed rewrite followed rewrite, until I had a result I was comfortable with. There was no nastiness, no name-calling, no laundry list of brutality or specific actions and deeds referenced. My mother knows what she did. I also wished her comfort in her days and peace in her heart and mind; and regretted that we never had the loving mother/daughter bond others share.

I thought a great deal about all the advice you had shared, and many of you mentioned forgiveness. So I offered her that, but only after I expressed to her how much damage her abuse had caused - because I needed her to know that. (And maybe it was time for me to be a little selfish for a change.) I needed her to know what her abuse cost me throughout my life; relationships that I could never trust, years and years of therapy, the loss of potential and self-esteem that plagued me for so long. And then I wrote that I forgave her for that, but that I would never forget.

Please know that I went into this never expecting anything in return from her. Not acknowledgement, not acceptance, not understanding, and most certainly not an apology. So there will be no more hurt from her to me.

There seemed to be two schools of thought on whether or not to send the letter, and for days I vacillated, wondering what would help me the most. In the end, I sent it.

I feel a great sense of freedom and relief, having in essence severed ties with her for good. I will not see or speak to her again, and I am fine with that.

As an aside, I should have made clear in my original post is that my mother was actually diagnosed with NPD by a psychiatrist (who wasn't looking for that, but hit on it during a comprehensive mental exam a few years back). I agree that lay people probably shouldn't bandy terms like that freely about, as one person suggested, but in my mother's case, it was a valid medical diagnosis.

To all of you who shared your experiences that were so much like mine, please know that I stand with you and feel your pain. It takes courage and a certain amount of grace to share the brutality of abuse with the world at large. And to all of you that took the time to help a stranger, I am deeply and humbly grateful for your generosity.

Harrysmom

I'm dealing with the same thing here but with the opposite parent who is deceased, my dad. My mother was an abused woman herself and took it out on me. I got into counseling and a twelve step program at an early age.

Yesterday, I had a counseling session with a therapist and I spoke very candidly about the way my parents treated me. I got the brunt of their frustration. This type of abuse leaves scars on your heart and soul.

In your case, I wouldn't send her a letter. I would journal it. Write the letter getting all of your feelings out and then have a ritual or ceremony. After you've written your letter, take it outside and then burn it. Take those ashes from the letter and bury them. If feelings keep coming up, write another letter, burn it and tell the bad feelings goodbye.

There is no sense in riling up an angry and bitter old woman. There is no changing a personality disordered individual. She was mean to you and your sibling, so there is no reason to put yourself in more uncomfortable situations or having your husband drive you to the facility risking his job. A person can only put up with so much abuse. Let your mother go. People die everyday in these facilities with their loved ones not being there. Don't let yourself feel guilty about this.

My husband passed away in the middle of the night in a hospital. I got there about five minutes too late and he was already gone. He wasn't abusive. I believe that he knew spiritually that I was on my way, and he didn't want me to witness his dying. I knew my husband, and he always thought that I was too sensitive. They pick the time of their departure from the physical world back into the spirit world. It is their decision not ours. We will all make this journey.

Working on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) will keep you from sliding back into this belief that you need to do something. In reality, you don't. What you are feeling is normal for people who grew up in abusive situations (myself included). We have what you call a trauma bond to these abusive individuals. Whatever your mother is going through at this point in her life is between her and God. She has to face the Lord about the life she lived when she transitions over.

dear OP :),

i wish you to heal.

you won’t get healing from the same person who caused you damage.

she’s not sorry. abusive people enjoy the fact that their victim/target suffers. abusers want to see you fail in life.

so…
prove her wrong.
-be the happiest you can be
-heal
-be the physically healthiest you can be
-be successful
-have kind friends
-choose a non-abusive relationship
-find a passion/hobby/job you can really throw your soul into. something you wake up every day and can’t wait to do! so excited about it.

some solutions give TEMPORARY relief:
-like writing a letter (whether you send, don’t send, burn, etc.)
-1 week later, you’ll probably be back to being hurt.
-why? because your current life’s not doing well.
-happy/productive/successful current life = less reason to be stuck in the past.
-it’s very unlucky, unfair many of us were/are abused. no doubt.
-BUT try to find ways to make your current life great.
-unlucky past. try to have a lucky present/future.

hug!! :) :)

bundle of joy :)

Of course you are not a bad person for wanting to write a letter to your abusive mother. I imagine you've been mentally writing such a letter for a very long time. Might as well put it down in black and white.
But will it help?
Does picking at the scab of an old wound, over and over, help it heal? No
Will your letter change your mother? No.
Will it change the present situation, or the past? No.
Change your feelings? No.

Your mother, with all her selfishness, has more insight and honesty than many abusers, since she admits she wasn't a good mother. But she doesn't express the remorse you'd like to hear. She's at the end of her life and she can't undo what she has done. And since she won't be looking to make amends, it's up to you to support and nourish yourself the best you can.

I'm not saying you should try to forget. That's not possible. But you might make a deliberate effort to look outward and encourage others the way you needed encouragement as a child, to help them build the sense of self-worth denied to you. The world is full of wounded people. And you have a special knowledge of unmet needs that cause others pain.

I would not mail that letter. If you are labeling her with a behavior issue that lasted your entire life - it certainly has not/will not improve with age. It may stem from the way she was raised and was a 2nd, 3rd or more generational dysfunctional way to grow up. As you said, there is nothing you can say to undo the damage. There's also nothing you can say to make her understand you were damaged. You're not horrible, but you may just have the feeling of writing it down so that you have the last word with no argument from her. However, at her age, what is the point.

I am assuming you are married and happy with your own family. You attempted to avoid doing the things that mom did in raising kids or being a part of a family. You already won the war.

I would suggest that since you've written down all of your feelings, that you have a little ceremony with yourself. Read it outloud, burn it, and pray that what you burned harms no one else ever.

No, not at all. I say write away! She needs to hear it, who knows maybe she'll acknowledge it and hopefully apologize! Obviously, she was abused for her to have learned this! I pray she will acknowledge this and ask for forgiveness, if not by you at least God! I know that if it was me, I would want to know if I caused any damage to my children even if it hurts. I know that stress in life can cause people to overreact to things taking it out on those closest to them. prayers all goes well if you do it!! Also, I agree with another answer I read, you have to forgive her regardless if she apologizes to not! that is your peace of mind!

Darling, I understand. I have a mentally abusive mom and never could understand why. At 63 I just found out why she never liked me. I was an uh oh and she didn't want any children. I was a constant thorn in her side. So I understand how you feel. And at 90, she hasn't changed one iota.

The one way that you will be set free from the abuse is to forgive her. It is the only way to set yourself free. No matter if by some miracle she would even acknowledge her behavior, the freedom will come from your forgiveness of her.
She will be the one to answer one day for her actions.

As a friend of mine put it, "You stepped up and broke the family curse by not letting your mom define who you are." I swore from a very young age, that if I had children, I would tell them every single day I loved them, they were important, and fill them with encouragement.
It sounds like you are an overcomer, my dear. Wear that badge proudly!

HearttoHeart, we don't have to buy Mother's Day cards or even acknowledge the day. If it's not in your heart don't do it.

My mom is gone now but even when she was alive I always felt that "Mother's Day" was just a big cash grab for the stores anyways. She felt the same way. I loved her very much and I know she knew it. But if your mom isn't worthy of it, don't buy a card and don't feel guilty about it either.

The closest I came to closure was the moment when my 99 year old mother casually said to me “I really wasn’t a good mother”. Just matter of fact. (Boom. The truth)

The irony was that she no longer knew who I was. She was a distant mother whose mantra was “I never wanted to have children” (she had two). My sister was temporarily cared for by her 15 year old aunt(!) and I was often shuffled off to my grandmother or “watched” during the day by our sleeping night shift father.

So yes, there are those kind of mothers that defy the typical Hallmark Mothers Day card sentiment. Do what you need to do, but take care to not expose yourself to an unfulfilling experience.

As to my moment of “truth” ? I just shook my head in agreement. Said, “well, I guess you did the best you could” and “let’s get cleaned up and so you can go down for your breakfast”.

Do what you feel is best for you.

that is EXACTLY how I handled it with my mom. I WROTE IT ALL OUT IN A LETTER . Good for you! It is NOT wrong for you to do that! Later on when she dies, do not even THINK of having any guilt feelings over it.

I held back things all my life. When my mother moved by (and, in my home), I decided to tell her things that no child should have to bear. When I told her she said "I wished you never would have told me"... and, went on ignoring me... like nothing happened... She's 94 and, not only still ignores me, but has a knack for turning all things around to hurt me. She's a piece of work to say the least....
(Then, we're suppose to buy them 'loving' Mother's Day cards... yea... Happy Mother's Day)

I completely understand, I also had a mother who abused me my whole child and teen life, then as i was an adult it was manipulation and narcissism to me.
And I understand your seep need to be "heard" or at least to make the statements that it was not right for her to be that way.
As you said, any attempts to ever say things to her about her behavior are met with denial and screaming.
SO the sad thing to accept is that she will never hear you, and spaeking to her about it will only result in her again trying to manipulate and destroy you to keep herself from hearing it.
Save yourself the moment. My mother passed in December, I never was able to have my moment of being affirmed that she was abusive, and it is OK. It helped me to write a letter "to her" about my life, then just put it away ( or burn it- whatever helps).
The sad reality is that theses are damaged mothers. They put themself first. They have no empathy . Think of how cold a person has to be to attack an innocent child. They have no ability to consider anyone's feelings.
We can't undo damage but we can learn how to be "not like them", learn to be wise and be aware of what kind of people are "takers" and be strong to know it was never our fault and we have value whether that mother knew it or not.
Sending love that you will know you are valuable and you have your own life as an adult. Live with what brings you joy and release her to her own miserable self.

Someone like ops mom would just say back that they’re gonna die sooner because of the letter, and thanks a lot, hope your satisfied.

Thats the extent of the closure. They won’t be a good person. To the extent that they are, they’ll only suffer more before dying.

Just a lose lose situation.

I don’t think you’re a horrible person. It sounds like your mother is. But I would reconsider what might be the best way to get the closure you are looking for. I’m not going to go into detail - too long a story - but my own history is similar. I understand how you feel, and why you want to do it. I’ve been there. I expressed how the abuse impacted me/my life, although I did not do it at end of life. I think that if you do this now, in her final days, you will regret your actions. It’s very important to be at peace with it. But you are already questioning whether you are a terrible person for wanting to do it, so you have a sense that something isn’t right. That feeling will loom larger after her death. Your mother has limited, if any insight. She doesn’t get it. She doesn’t want to get it either. That’s not going to change. Bringing it up with her won’t go well…then what will you be left with? She’s not going to acknowledge it or affirm you, and that’s what you really want and need. I understand doing it to make yourself feel better. That has value. But it should have happened before now. Now is not the time. I’m sorry - it’s an awful feeling. I think it’s good to be reserved when you speak to her, to not be falsely attentive, or affectionate - being emotionally distant is appropriate. You might also consider saying simply, you are my mother, I want to respect that. At the same time I have a mixture of feelings. Our relationship has been hard. I want to make peace with that. I don’t know how to do that except to tell you it’s been hard for me. And that I hope that you are at peace too. Something of that nature can give you some satisfaction while also making you feel good about yourself.
I wish you well as you heal from this.

Whenever I tell my mom how hurtful she has been with the things she has said and still says - all she does is deny it and in the end I feel worse. If I manage to actually make her see my pain then she breaks down as underneath it all I don't believe she wants to cause me pain. She doesn't want to cause pain but it's the only way she knows how to function by keeping all her walls around her and lashing out. She needs the control and of course when she breaks down its even more painful for me to see that on top of everything else. Letting go of the moms we needed and accepting what we had is not so easy, never getting at least the I am sorry for causing you pain is hard to swallow.

After reading so many of the responses, I realized there must be many elderly women who are completely alone, who are known by their family to have been good loving mothers and have lost their children. Once my mom passes, I think I will make that a mission to find someone like such a senior woman and connect with them. I'm sure they have so much to offer and truly miss having the mother role. Connecting with them will never replace or bring back their children nor take away the pain of my childhood, but it will bring joy and time well spent. I have so much love and care to give, I would love to share it with an elderly woman who would not take it for granted. Sometimes I think, why am I spending so much energy on someone so ungrateful and unhappy when there are so many people out there alone wishing they had someone who cared? Maybe that could be an avenue for you too?

Without a degree in psychology I don't think I'd know an egotist from a narcissist, or an out-in-out bully from someone deeply damaged and lashing out from their own experiences of abuse. Lay people throw words around maybe because it gives them a sense of control and understanding through labeling. I don't know that it works but it's at least something to do I guess. Maybe it's pleasurable.

Writing your letter to your mom is very good though. Let it out. See your pain in words. Give it form with ink. Describe her on paper, a thing that can be torn up as if you're tearing her up. That letter could be kept and filed away forever. That's a kind of weird control. And then get busy with things that have nothing to do with her, or you become her. She hurt you and your thoughts continue the job.

In addition, I don't believe Closure exists. You will not get an apology, but even if you did would you be satisfied? Also, you will not get any kind of compensation or a do-over with America's-made-for-TV-warm-huggy-sweetheart-mom. You will always remember every insult either to your body, your mind or your heart, UNTIL you start to make replacement memories of other things, fun things, charitable things, treats to yourself things. Perhaps a class in school, or joining a group of people who enjoy a shared hobby. Prepare new dishes for your husband. Stop bringing her darkness into your house. I'm here to tell you she will recede and fade with time.

So please just give up your outrage, your justified outrage, because it has skewed your thinking. It has prevented you from seeing the obvious. You say that, "The psychological abuse continues to this day, but any attempt to broach the subject with my mother has resulted in her screaming at me and calling me crazy", She hasn't been the problem for decades. Your attachment/addiction to exposing yourself to this treatment is your doing.

Also you say, "I don't want to see her leave this world without at least hearing the truth." This is you screaming to this woman that you were cheated of what a childhood should've been like. This is you screaming, "How could you not love your little girl". This is you screaming that you're deeply hurt, and nothing will ever fix this. And this is you wanting to hurt her as she hurt you, but it will not be enough. It will not help. And for yourself, you should just stop chewing your cud, over and over and over.

You say, "She's 93 and nearing the end". Your need to drive your pain through her head and heart is a waste of time. This behavior will only be another ugly act added to all your memories. You've been unnecessarily playing this rerun. Take a deep breath (often during the day). I'm sending you a momalax for your brain. She was eating away at your soul but you just pooped her away forever.

For you, for the little you, the today you, and hopefully for many many tomorrows, don't even say good-bye. Not a word more. She was a bad dream. You owe yourself and your husband a life without mother.




A

that's a tough one bc you will feel better but why make your mother feel bad. you can let her know how it hurt you but why be nasty about it. let her die in peace. i had problems with my dad from teenage on till he passed - before he did he said he loved me and asked me why i was helping him. i said bc he helped me when i had a child.

let it go but do get things out in the open but lovingly - you will not regret the kindness

You are not wrong or crazy. Write your letter & mail it to the Care Home. Someone will read it to her and she will hear what she probably already knows. Your mental health is just as important as hers & since she brought you into this world she should be able to handle your expression & thoughts.. Sometimes people live to very old age because they have not yet settled all the issues that they were supposed to address. You are justified in wanting to finally be heard. Good luck to you-I understand your need for this 100%!

Write and mail the letter. The contents will make no difference in how your mother lives out the final days of her life, but it will help you live out yours.

Harrysmom: Although you are not wrong for wanting to write the letter, in my honest opinion perhaps it will not achieve the desired result, leaving you even further dismayed. I am sorry that your mother treated you poorly.