Am I wrong for wanting to tell my mother how much her physical and mental abuse impacted my life before she passes?

I understand how you feel, especially because this abuse does not just entail your past childhood but is ongoing. I did confront my mom who also has very strong covert narcissistic behavior. I learned after telling her this in front of others and filming the conversation that I knew it would not change her or her feelings and pathological warped mind.

I DID IT SO I COULD HEAR IT everyone could hear it. It became finally REAL to everyone. It is almost impossible for the abused to get validation in this kind of abuse because the flying monkeys will never side with you or even admit the wrongdoing because 1. they would feel like a fool if they felt they were deceived, or 2. they don't want to walk in your shoes.
You are validating yourself. No, it's not pretty, but it is empowering. It's self-love , you're giving yourself a voice. I have never felt so mentally and emotionally free in my life as now.
The cat was out of the bag. She threw such a fit and blamed me that this coming to light would give her a stroke. Well then, I guess if that would have happened, then it would have been her fault for her behavior to me all my life. I'm very glad I filmed it. This way, I can't gaslight myself in the future when she is gone thinking, "oh, maybe I was wrong?" "oh it couldn't be that bad" etc. It became real to me. It lifted the fog and then I realized that this was the root of all my attracting narcissistic and pathological men in my life. No more, I won't be fooled anymore. You do whatever you need to do. If it means to ask friends to drive you, or write a letter, whatever. Make it real to you. Right now it is only in your head. You need to get it out. My mom still does what she does, but she knows that I know her game is over. She says all the time now that when my dad is gone no one will come to see her. Nope, no more pity, no more manipulation. Telling her that day has also gave me my voice and now I tell her how exactly how I feel all the time. They never apologize. Nothing is ever their fault. They are so miserable.

It’s an extremely sad situation when your own parent mistreats you, and I’m sorry for your pain as I can definitely empathize with you. You are not a horrible person, your mother is. When I started to read your story I knew immediately that your mother is a narcissist. You can try writing her a letter expressing the emotional pain and psychological pain she has put you through, but I must warn you that she’s going to deny it all and turn around and blame it all on you. Narcissists cannot show empathy or sympathy, so don’t expect that your mother will feel guilty about her actions. I know this for a fact because I’m married to a narcissist and I, who have NEVER been on medication, was placed on medications for deep depression and when I told my husband that he was the one who caused me to end up having to take medications for my depression he turned around and said he didn’t make me depressed and that I had depression before I met him which was a blatant lie. In order to survive living with a narcissist you need to cut all ties with him/her and move on with your life. Nothing will change a narcissist’s way of thinking because in their minds they are “perfect” and nothing is wrong with them.

You should definitely write your mother that letter, but do not expect any sympathy or empathy from her. After writing her that letter just move on with your life knowing that she is a narcissist and nothing will change that. Good luck.

If it's what you need to do, do it. She forfeited any other rights to your interactions with her. She may or may not ever read it. But you will have done what you need to do.

Write the letter; say everything you want. But don't mail it, and if you do, don't plan on talking to or seeing your mother ever again. Because your letter will do no good; in fact, if she reads it and then you call, you can expect she will let go a mountain of abuse on your head. Why? That is just what narcissists do.
They never take responsibility for themselves or their actions. They try to make you believe it is your fault; that you made it up; that it never happened; that you are the one who has a 'problem'; that you are ungrateful, selfish....fill in the blank. Anything to transfer the badness of their actions back onto you...yes, that is what they do.
I, too, badly desired to tell my dying narcissistic, abuse mother what I really thought of her before she died. But I didn't; I already knew that no good would come of it, and she would just bad mouth me to the nurses, caretakers, innocent relatives who were still coming to see her... and I simply didn't need that drama.
But I didn't call her, nor did I go see her, even though she was in the same city. I went to the NH, reviewed her treatment to make sure everything was as it should be, and then left. No visit.
My refusal to interact with her personally told her more than any words I would have spoken, just what the results of her treatment of me were. By denying her what SHE wanted from a relationship with me (to continue to be the scapegoat), I got what I needed. The feeling like I had stood up to her abuse, and taken a stand as a respectable, mature, healthy adult.

A very hard situation for you and one I think about everyday for myself. I think the letter is a good way of getting your closure before she passes. She may or may not read it but at least you have got it off your chest and can move on with your life. I wish you all the best.

Harrysmom, I recently joined this forum and am amazed at how many women grew up with narcissistic monsters for mothers. I thought mine was in a class by herself, but her type is actually garden-variety.

My sister and I grew up with verbal and emotional abuse that occasionally got physical, including lots of slamming objects. She's 84 now and in denial about her advancing dementia and recent successful cancer surgery. We tried to confront her years ago when she was lucid to get at least an acknowledgement of the abuse, and got nothing but, "I don't remember doing that," "You must be exaggerating," "It never happened," etc.

Yes, write all your memories and feelings. It's cathartic to get it out of your system. But I wouldn't suggest sending it. You're just giving her one more opportunity to do a major dump on you. It will make HER feel vindicated to deny everything and put you in the wrong once again.

I view my mother more like a lab specimen now. She's on the wane, her short-term memory is shot, she's physically shrinking, and it's only a matter of time before the nightmare of having to deal with her ends. I'll feel relief more than sadness because I know her last thoughts will be about only herself and how life always mistreated her.

I am so sorry you had to go through such terror as a child and have had to carry it throughout your life. My mother was a narcissist too but I think of hers as a mild case. She still did a lot of damage.

I think writing her a letter laying out your feelings is a good idea. I would recommend taking a few days to do it. Draft it, go over it, let it sit for a day or two, make any changes you need to, and then send it.

Keep in mind she may never actually get it. Who knows. But more importantly, as you well know, she will never accept blame. Narcissists always blame someone else. Always.

So keep in your heart of hearts the realization that this will not change anything other than giving you a chance to fight back without her hurting you anymore. In fact, I would not look at any response she might send you. Just tear it up. Feed it to the dog. Yeet it its the sun. Best wishes.

I wouldn't send it. I feel your pain. So many of us do. She won't absorb it. My Mom is maddening, but I feel far more sorry for her than anything. How terrible to be (in my Mom's case) NPD-Borderline & Dementia.. Glad you vented. Again, I understand...I fantasize about sharing with mine.

Harrys Mom,
Ugh. Nothing is worse than the feeling of wanting vindication or validation that your mom was a monster. You don't deserve to go through life with a cruel witch for a mother. The thing is, you did, as did many of us here. It's unfair and believe me you, It's taken me every bit of strength in my body not to bawl out loud when I see my friends celebrating wonderful supportive relationships with "real moms" who love them unconditionally and cherish the sacred mother/daughter bond. Oh how I wish I'd had such a mom.
Sadly, as adults we are 100% responsible for how we feel and how we may cause ourselves pain. This is a deep traumatic type of injury that should not be ours to bare since it was originated thru our rotten mothers who decided to abuse instead of love us. But we need to get past the abuse and learn to self love, self mother etc.. It's tough to swallow and we must do it or they win! I go thru stages or rage and then I realize I'm engulfing myself in her BS abuse. Then I realize I must take responsibility and force myself to let as much as I can go. I take responsibility for bringing myself peace and hope I'll bring joy in too! Rotten people don't get to be adults - they die stuck in a primitive mindset and NOTHING matters because they'll NEVER change. Love yourself and let her go. It is the loving thing to do for you! Hugs from your sisters we feel your pain!

Harrysmom: Although you are not wrong for wanting to write the letter, in my honest opinion perhaps it will not achieve the desired result, leaving you even further dismayed. I am sorry that your mother treated you poorly.

Write and mail the letter. The contents will make no difference in how your mother lives out the final days of her life, but it will help you live out yours.

You are not wrong or crazy. Write your letter & mail it to the Care Home. Someone will read it to her and she will hear what she probably already knows. Your mental health is just as important as hers & since she brought you into this world she should be able to handle your expression & thoughts.. Sometimes people live to very old age because they have not yet settled all the issues that they were supposed to address. You are justified in wanting to finally be heard. Good luck to you-I understand your need for this 100%!

that's a tough one bc you will feel better but why make your mother feel bad. you can let her know how it hurt you but why be nasty about it. let her die in peace. i had problems with my dad from teenage on till he passed - before he did he said he loved me and asked me why i was helping him. i said bc he helped me when i had a child.

let it go but do get things out in the open but lovingly - you will not regret the kindness

Without a degree in psychology I don't think I'd know an egotist from a narcissist, or an out-in-out bully from someone deeply damaged and lashing out from their own experiences of abuse. Lay people throw words around maybe because it gives them a sense of control and understanding through labeling. I don't know that it works but it's at least something to do I guess. Maybe it's pleasurable.

Writing your letter to your mom is very good though. Let it out. See your pain in words. Give it form with ink. Describe her on paper, a thing that can be torn up as if you're tearing her up. That letter could be kept and filed away forever. That's a kind of weird control. And then get busy with things that have nothing to do with her, or you become her. She hurt you and your thoughts continue the job.

In addition, I don't believe Closure exists. You will not get an apology, but even if you did would you be satisfied? Also, you will not get any kind of compensation or a do-over with America's-made-for-TV-warm-huggy-sweetheart-mom. You will always remember every insult either to your body, your mind or your heart, UNTIL you start to make replacement memories of other things, fun things, charitable things, treats to yourself things. Perhaps a class in school, or joining a group of people who enjoy a shared hobby. Prepare new dishes for your husband. Stop bringing her darkness into your house. I'm here to tell you she will recede and fade with time.

So please just give up your outrage, your justified outrage, because it has skewed your thinking. It has prevented you from seeing the obvious. You say that, "The psychological abuse continues to this day, but any attempt to broach the subject with my mother has resulted in her screaming at me and calling me crazy", She hasn't been the problem for decades. Your attachment/addiction to exposing yourself to this treatment is your doing.

Also you say, "I don't want to see her leave this world without at least hearing the truth." This is you screaming to this woman that you were cheated of what a childhood should've been like. This is you screaming, "How could you not love your little girl". This is you screaming that you're deeply hurt, and nothing will ever fix this. And this is you wanting to hurt her as she hurt you, but it will not be enough. It will not help. And for yourself, you should just stop chewing your cud, over and over and over.

You say, "She's 93 and nearing the end". Your need to drive your pain through her head and heart is a waste of time. This behavior will only be another ugly act added to all your memories. You've been unnecessarily playing this rerun. Take a deep breath (often during the day). I'm sending you a momalax for your brain. She was eating away at your soul but you just pooped her away forever.

For you, for the little you, the today you, and hopefully for many many tomorrows, don't even say good-bye. Not a word more. She was a bad dream. You owe yourself and your husband a life without mother.




A

After reading so many of the responses, I realized there must be many elderly women who are completely alone, who are known by their family to have been good loving mothers and have lost their children. Once my mom passes, I think I will make that a mission to find someone like such a senior woman and connect with them. I'm sure they have so much to offer and truly miss having the mother role. Connecting with them will never replace or bring back their children nor take away the pain of my childhood, but it will bring joy and time well spent. I have so much love and care to give, I would love to share it with an elderly woman who would not take it for granted. Sometimes I think, why am I spending so much energy on someone so ungrateful and unhappy when there are so many people out there alone wishing they had someone who cared? Maybe that could be an avenue for you too?

Whenever I tell my mom how hurtful she has been with the things she has said and still says - all she does is deny it and in the end I feel worse. If I manage to actually make her see my pain then she breaks down as underneath it all I don't believe she wants to cause me pain. She doesn't want to cause pain but it's the only way she knows how to function by keeping all her walls around her and lashing out. She needs the control and of course when she breaks down its even more painful for me to see that on top of everything else. Letting go of the moms we needed and accepting what we had is not so easy, never getting at least the I am sorry for causing you pain is hard to swallow.

I don’t think you’re a horrible person. It sounds like your mother is. But I would reconsider what might be the best way to get the closure you are looking for. I’m not going to go into detail - too long a story - but my own history is similar. I understand how you feel, and why you want to do it. I’ve been there. I expressed how the abuse impacted me/my life, although I did not do it at end of life. I think that if you do this now, in her final days, you will regret your actions. It’s very important to be at peace with it. But you are already questioning whether you are a terrible person for wanting to do it, so you have a sense that something isn’t right. That feeling will loom larger after her death. Your mother has limited, if any insight. She doesn’t get it. She doesn’t want to get it either. That’s not going to change. Bringing it up with her won’t go well…then what will you be left with? She’s not going to acknowledge it or affirm you, and that’s what you really want and need. I understand doing it to make yourself feel better. That has value. But it should have happened before now. Now is not the time. I’m sorry - it’s an awful feeling. I think it’s good to be reserved when you speak to her, to not be falsely attentive, or affectionate - being emotionally distant is appropriate. You might also consider saying simply, you are my mother, I want to respect that. At the same time I have a mixture of feelings. Our relationship has been hard. I want to make peace with that. I don’t know how to do that except to tell you it’s been hard for me. And that I hope that you are at peace too. Something of that nature can give you some satisfaction while also making you feel good about yourself.
I wish you well as you heal from this.

Someone like ops mom would just say back that they’re gonna die sooner because of the letter, and thanks a lot, hope your satisfied.

Thats the extent of the closure. They won’t be a good person. To the extent that they are, they’ll only suffer more before dying.

Just a lose lose situation.

I completely understand, I also had a mother who abused me my whole child and teen life, then as i was an adult it was manipulation and narcissism to me.
And I understand your seep need to be "heard" or at least to make the statements that it was not right for her to be that way.
As you said, any attempts to ever say things to her about her behavior are met with denial and screaming.
SO the sad thing to accept is that she will never hear you, and spaeking to her about it will only result in her again trying to manipulate and destroy you to keep herself from hearing it.
Save yourself the moment. My mother passed in December, I never was able to have my moment of being affirmed that she was abusive, and it is OK. It helped me to write a letter "to her" about my life, then just put it away ( or burn it- whatever helps).
The sad reality is that theses are damaged mothers. They put themself first. They have no empathy . Think of how cold a person has to be to attack an innocent child. They have no ability to consider anyone's feelings.
We can't undo damage but we can learn how to be "not like them", learn to be wise and be aware of what kind of people are "takers" and be strong to know it was never our fault and we have value whether that mother knew it or not.
Sending love that you will know you are valuable and you have your own life as an adult. Live with what brings you joy and release her to her own miserable self.

I held back things all my life. When my mother moved by (and, in my home), I decided to tell her things that no child should have to bear. When I told her she said "I wished you never would have told me"... and, went on ignoring me... like nothing happened... She's 94 and, not only still ignores me, but has a knack for turning all things around to hurt me. She's a piece of work to say the least....
(Then, we're suppose to buy them 'loving' Mother's Day cards... yea... Happy Mother's Day)

that is EXACTLY how I handled it with my mom. I WROTE IT ALL OUT IN A LETTER . Good for you! It is NOT wrong for you to do that! Later on when she dies, do not even THINK of having any guilt feelings over it.

Do what you feel is best for you.

The closest I came to closure was the moment when my 99 year old mother casually said to me “I really wasn’t a good mother”. Just matter of fact. (Boom. The truth)

The irony was that she no longer knew who I was. She was a distant mother whose mantra was “I never wanted to have children” (she had two). My sister was temporarily cared for by her 15 year old aunt(!) and I was often shuffled off to my grandmother or “watched” during the day by our sleeping night shift father.

So yes, there are those kind of mothers that defy the typical Hallmark Mothers Day card sentiment. Do what you need to do, but take care to not expose yourself to an unfulfilling experience.

As to my moment of “truth” ? I just shook my head in agreement. Said, “well, I guess you did the best you could” and “let’s get cleaned up and so you can go down for your breakfast”.

HearttoHeart, we don't have to buy Mother's Day cards or even acknowledge the day. If it's not in your heart don't do it.

My mom is gone now but even when she was alive I always felt that "Mother's Day" was just a big cash grab for the stores anyways. She felt the same way. I loved her very much and I know she knew it. But if your mom isn't worthy of it, don't buy a card and don't feel guilty about it either.

Darling, I understand. I have a mentally abusive mom and never could understand why. At 63 I just found out why she never liked me. I was an uh oh and she didn't want any children. I was a constant thorn in her side. So I understand how you feel. And at 90, she hasn't changed one iota.

The one way that you will be set free from the abuse is to forgive her. It is the only way to set yourself free. No matter if by some miracle she would even acknowledge her behavior, the freedom will come from your forgiveness of her.
She will be the one to answer one day for her actions.

As a friend of mine put it, "You stepped up and broke the family curse by not letting your mom define who you are." I swore from a very young age, that if I had children, I would tell them every single day I loved them, they were important, and fill them with encouragement.
It sounds like you are an overcomer, my dear. Wear that badge proudly!

No, not at all. I say write away! She needs to hear it, who knows maybe she'll acknowledge it and hopefully apologize! Obviously, she was abused for her to have learned this! I pray she will acknowledge this and ask for forgiveness, if not by you at least God! I know that if it was me, I would want to know if I caused any damage to my children even if it hurts. I know that stress in life can cause people to overreact to things taking it out on those closest to them. prayers all goes well if you do it!! Also, I agree with another answer I read, you have to forgive her regardless if she apologizes to not! that is your peace of mind!

I would not mail that letter. If you are labeling her with a behavior issue that lasted your entire life - it certainly has not/will not improve with age. It may stem from the way she was raised and was a 2nd, 3rd or more generational dysfunctional way to grow up. As you said, there is nothing you can say to undo the damage. There's also nothing you can say to make her understand you were damaged. You're not horrible, but you may just have the feeling of writing it down so that you have the last word with no argument from her. However, at her age, what is the point.

I am assuming you are married and happy with your own family. You attempted to avoid doing the things that mom did in raising kids or being a part of a family. You already won the war.

I would suggest that since you've written down all of your feelings, that you have a little ceremony with yourself. Read it outloud, burn it, and pray that what you burned harms no one else ever.

Of course you are not a bad person for wanting to write a letter to your abusive mother. I imagine you've been mentally writing such a letter for a very long time. Might as well put it down in black and white.
But will it help?
Does picking at the scab of an old wound, over and over, help it heal? No
Will your letter change your mother? No.
Will it change the present situation, or the past? No.
Change your feelings? No.

Your mother, with all her selfishness, has more insight and honesty than many abusers, since she admits she wasn't a good mother. But she doesn't express the remorse you'd like to hear. She's at the end of her life and she can't undo what she has done. And since she won't be looking to make amends, it's up to you to support and nourish yourself the best you can.

I'm not saying you should try to forget. That's not possible. But you might make a deliberate effort to look outward and encourage others the way you needed encouragement as a child, to help them build the sense of self-worth denied to you. The world is full of wounded people. And you have a special knowledge of unmet needs that cause others pain.

dear OP :),

i wish you to heal.

you won’t get healing from the same person who caused you damage.

she’s not sorry. abusive people enjoy the fact that their victim/target suffers. abusers want to see you fail in life.

so…
prove her wrong.
-be the happiest you can be
-heal
-be the physically healthiest you can be
-be successful
-have kind friends
-choose a non-abusive relationship
-find a passion/hobby/job you can really throw your soul into. something you wake up every day and can’t wait to do! so excited about it.

some solutions give TEMPORARY relief:
-like writing a letter (whether you send, don’t send, burn, etc.)
-1 week later, you’ll probably be back to being hurt.
-why? because your current life’s not doing well.
-happy/productive/successful current life = less reason to be stuck in the past.
-it’s very unlucky, unfair many of us were/are abused. no doubt.
-BUT try to find ways to make your current life great.
-unlucky past. try to have a lucky present/future.

hug!! :) :)

bundle of joy :)

I'm dealing with the same thing here but with the opposite parent who is deceased, my dad. My mother was an abused woman herself and took it out on me. I got into counseling and a twelve step program at an early age.

Yesterday, I had a counseling session with a therapist and I spoke very candidly about the way my parents treated me. I got the brunt of their frustration. This type of abuse leaves scars on your heart and soul.

In your case, I wouldn't send her a letter. I would journal it. Write the letter getting all of your feelings out and then have a ritual or ceremony. After you've written your letter, take it outside and then burn it. Take those ashes from the letter and bury them. If feelings keep coming up, write another letter, burn it and tell the bad feelings goodbye.

There is no sense in riling up an angry and bitter old woman. There is no changing a personality disordered individual. She was mean to you and your sibling, so there is no reason to put yourself in more uncomfortable situations or having your husband drive you to the facility risking his job. A person can only put up with so much abuse. Let your mother go. People die everyday in these facilities with their loved ones not being there. Don't let yourself feel guilty about this.

My husband passed away in the middle of the night in a hospital. I got there about five minutes too late and he was already gone. He wasn't abusive. I believe that he knew spiritually that I was on my way, and he didn't want me to witness his dying. I knew my husband, and he always thought that I was too sensitive. They pick the time of their departure from the physical world back into the spirit world. It is their decision not ours. We will all make this journey.

Working on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) will keep you from sliding back into this belief that you need to do something. In reality, you don't. What you are feeling is normal for people who grew up in abusive situations (myself included). We have what you call a trauma bond to these abusive individuals. Whatever your mother is going through at this point in her life is between her and God. She has to face the Lord about the life she lived when she transitions over.