After I divorced, my 68 year old mom suggested I move in with her until I got on my feet. That was two years ago, and somehow I've become a fulltime caregiver for her. I cook, clean, and run errands for her, anything she basically needs or wants done I do. During this time our relationship has become very strained, as I feel and treated more like I work for her than I'm her daughter. I've come to the decision that it's best for me mentally and financially to begin the process of moving out and finding her someone else to help her. I fear that she will use guilt and could possibly strain our relationship even more, I know there will be consequences, but I feel I need to look after myself as I do her.
I think at times we choose things based on emotions without thinking of consequences.
Good luck & have fun!
When my dad died, my 2 sisters and I were so concerned about our 66 year old Mom. But little did we know that within about 3 years she was corresponding with an old (1944)prom date. By the time she was 70, she eloped and spent the next 17 years deliriously enjoying her life in the Sunshine State, until her 'old flame' died. Then she had to move back up north to be near her daughters. She lived to be nearly 94. Of necessity, the final 20 months were in skilled care.
My point of all this is, you never know! Never underestimate us 70 year olds!
You are entitled to a life of your own, keep in mind that your mother could easily live another 20 years, don't put your life on hold for her.
I wish you the best, do what is right for you!
Good luck and take care of yourself!
And yes, move out. Time to spread your wings & fly solo.
Become a loving daughter who visits or goes out for coffee instead. Your relationship may need a cooling off period but will eventually be probably better for it.
I was already caring for mom before we lived together. She has Parkinson's disease. She was no longer driving because of the disease and seizures so naturally I felt an obligation to help. Let me also say that I was the child who had always been closest to my parents, long before I had cared for my parents. I truly loved my parents. Were there conflicts? Of course, there are always conflicts in any relationship. Anyone who says that they have a perfect relationship without any conflicts in life is a liar.
Anyway, after a major storm in our city, Hurricane Katrina which left my mother homeless, I invited her to live with our family. All was well in the beginning and I truly wanted to be there for my mom. Things changed. Mom started needing more care. I had to quit my job. That nearly destroyed me. My work was a part of who I was. My full time job became mom's caregiver. It sucks the life out of us.
Mom changed. I changed. Friction became greater and greater. She did not handle boundaries well. She refused to pay for outside help. The end result, I burned out. Mom involved my siblings. My siblings never helped me but they surely did criticize me. They quickly turned on me. It became a big mess and resulted in me asking mom to leave my home and live with my 'know it all' brother who did not really care to understand my frustration. It was awful. Please, move forward in your life. Don't become stagnated like I did. I paid a big price and so did my family.
Don't let your stress build to the point of losing your mom. I have only spoken to mom a couple of times on the phone since she left. I refuse to have a relationship with my brothers which was never that great before the conflicts but became unbearable afterwards so I feel I must protect myself from retaining a toxic relationship with them.
Am I sad? Yes, I have sadness. I wish my relationship was not strained with my mom. Regrets? I did what I had to do to heal. Real damage can occur in these situations. I sense damage has happened in your life and you are looking for healing and you deserve healing. You will have questions or perhaps doubt but you will not miss the agony. You will see once you do step away that in spite of any discomfort it is for the best.
I am not sure if I explained the emotions attached to these situations clearly enough but I hope you will find some encouragement in knowing that there are valid reasons for going forward in your life. We can't sacrifice our entire life for anyone.
As my priest once said on the alter, "Not all of us are called to be like Mother Teresa." It really helped me to hear those words because I believe they are true. Yes, some are able to manage, not without sacrifice, struggles or frustration but they cope better. We are all individual. Be true to yourself. Be who you need to be.
Best wishes to you. Take care. Resume your life. Thank your mom for her help but tell her that you need your independence.