I am 50-year-old only child with beginning of empty nesting 3 teenagers. My parents are 82 (m) and 79 (d). We have all lived together since my divorce several years ago to save money as my parents were never good with money. The house is not paid off and my parents have 2 years left on their 3rd bankruptcy. And yes, it was nice when my kids were younger to have the extra support, etc. I have always given my parents credit for helping me. However, the situation has been very toxic the last 4-5 years.
My dad is an uncontrolled diabetic and just has a woe is my attitude. He is lazy. I am a main caregiver for my mother , though. She has no "bad" diagnoses- nothing terminal, (which I am glad) etc, just chronic conditions, but she is 90% wheelchair dependent. She has been in and out of rehabs when she can stay, but usually gets discharged as she refuses to do PT. She will also not participate in home health and PT. They discharge us from that after a few of her cancellations. She pivots to a bedside commode, but uses diapers as well.
So ... my issue. I am engaged to a wonderful man. He is 58. He and I live about an hour apart, but his job will not transfer, but I am WFH , so I can. I have talked with my parents about this upcoming transition. I would prefer them to sell this house , get the equity and move into an assisted living and I would of course visit 1-2 a week. I would be about 35 minutes away , or they move with me to the neighboring state and live in a small apt. My fiancé and I do not want to all live together. My dad has suggested me and my fiancé live apart, but to tell the truth I really do not want to do that for financial reasons.
My parents have threatened suicide if I leave and are guilt tripping me like crazy. We have extended family but not close to anyone as my mom was always so anti-social. They make good pension and ss money, so most likely will not qualify for Medicaid- though I am consulting with an elder care lawyer. We have a visiting angel come once a week when I am gone. My dad says he cannot take care of my mom by himself and honestly, he probably can't as I am the one who changes diapers, empties the commode, etc.
I know this is kind of in "reverse". I am leaving at an age when most adult kids and parents are moving back in with each other, but I had never had a "normal" (other) marriage, time with my kids, desired career. I have always been with my parents as they have always been so dependent on me, emotionally and even a bit financially.
Examples of the toxicity include : my dad not eating leftovers when I cook- wants to eat out, my mother going to ER at the slightest thing, the screaming, the fights with my sons.
I am in therapy.
Looking for advice. Thank you.
Don't overshare your plans with your parents.
Give them 30 or 60 or 90 days notice of your moveout. Let them figure out their next steps. They already have an account with the caregiver agency so if they need more help they can call it in.
Your parents are beyond help, get out of there as quickly as you can. Don’t try to save them, don’t get your fiance or your finances mixed up with your parents.
Your parents have had a life time to sort their lives out. This is your time to focus on your own remaining life time.
Their interests are not for you, but for their own selfish reasons.
When Dad says:
"My dad has suggested me and my fiancé live apart, but to tell the truth I really do not want to do that for financial reasons." you need to think for yourself, stop explaining, and ask yourself:
"Why am I sharing this with them at all?"
"What part am I playing in this dysfunction?".
Maybe keep your plans to yourself or you may never escape the toxic grip your parents may have on you.
Good for you, work this out in therapy!
There is no such thing as a 50-yr-old-child.
You are a 50 yr-old-adult.
i don’t mean that in a nasty way but that’s the way it is with older parents who are stubborn.
Ease out of the caregiving for your mom. Tell her and your dad that since you WILL be leaving, they need to transition to other solutions now. So your dad can handle the commode, diapers, etc., or they can hire someone to come in starting now. So for example you will take care at bedtime and first thing in the morning but during the workday, someone else does this. They can increase the hours of the Visiting Angels.
Contact some assisted living facilities near you and give them the brochures. It's up to them to decide whether to follow through, but you've done your share by showing them that there are alternatives.
Enjoy your relationship and your engagement time and look forward to your new life together without being dragged down by their selfishness. I wish you happiness -- you deserve it! Keep us posted on how everything goes.
My situation was similar to yours with my mother. I would be in my grave today if not for getting back together with my ex- husband and getting away from her. Caregiving, or better still I'll call it what it really is care slavery, would have killed me. A very wise person on this forum stated the best truth and advice any person has ever given and here it is:
"At some point, it's you or them".
Please choose you. You found a good man who wants to make a life with you. So go make one with him and with your kids.
Leave your parents behind. If they refuse to evolve and adapt to change they will go the way of the more primitive forms of our species. They will become extinct.
Good luck to you and Mazel Tov on your engagement.
Your parents are full grown adults who've had all their lives to prepare for the eventuality of their sunset years. But, you've allowed yourself to be manipulated into being their only solution up until now. It is positively disgusting that they threaten suicide if you leave. You know they are lying, right?
I'm glad you're in therapy and I hope it is helping you find and defend healthy boundaries.
Normally I would suggest that you explain to your parents that unless they assign you as their DPoA, you won't be rescuing them. They are so toxic I think they will continue to make your married life miserable as they continue to yank your chain as their DPoA. My vote would be to leave without being PoA and tell them to call social services as their ongoing solution in the future. Yes, it will be very difficult to stand by and watch that slo-mo train wreck but any other choice will lead to you having a miserable new marriage. You and your fiancee are the priorities, not your parents. Let them ply their superpowers of manipulation with APS.
You aren't their lackey and if you are, it is because you are volunteering for it. You aren't responsible for their happiness. You've done them a massive favor all these years so no need for guilt for any reason. Move out and move on. Let all their calls go to voicemail and don't fall for their dysfunction tricks.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you reclaim your life.
If they will not sell the home and agree to this, then let them know the date of your moving, and let them make their own decisions as they see fit. They have a history of bad decisions; that will likely continue. I wouldn't be POA for uncooperative family.
As to guilt, that isn't appropriate. You didn't cause their problems. You can't fix them. Guilt requires causation our of evil plan and intent. What you are experiencing is GRIEF, the other g-word. But your parents reaction, given their history can surely not be a great surprise.
I wish you the best. Carry on with your plans. If you require reporting parents to APS for evaluation for safety once they are on their own then make that report.